Invite disaster

PaperTigersx

we decided to have our wedding at my parents home. 
My FI had never mentioned inviting his great grandmother, so I never asked. 

My parents house is NOT handicap accessible. There is a family member of mine we cannot invite due to this and she is understanding of it. 
We chose to do the wedding sooner than later due to religious reasons and my parents offering to help us fund the wedding. 

Recently, I've discovered family members of his who are disgruntled due to the fact we did not plan for his great grandmother. Saving up for a wedding In a handicap accessible venue honestly wasn't possible for us. After the wedding we are saving for grad school and adoption expenses. 

I, in no way, meant to ostracize his great grandmother. My family is not close and, to be honest, only my parents are being invited from my side (my family is NOT close). FI never explained to me how close knit his family is. (Our wedding is small -meant to be Close friends and immediate family due to my family dynamics but he, without asking me, invited his extended family). 

Recently, we talked to his grandmother about th situation and she said she would talk to her mother. At the last family gathering, it was decided we are to explain to her 

she is not one to admit her physical limitations. She has trouble getting up one tiny step into her mothers home, let alone the four steps into my parents home and two steps into the dining area. 

How should we discuss this with her without making her hate me?! 

if things were not already set In motion, possibly we could have changed things. But the point of the low budget parent house wedding was to be able to save for grad school and future adoption. 

This is making me wish  we  would have just done a court house wedding  

lc07

PaperTigersx said:

we decided to have our wedding at my parents home. 
My FI had never mentioned inviting his great grandmother, so I never asked. 

My parents house is NOT handicap accessible. There is a family member of mine we cannot invite due to this and she is understanding of it. 
We chose to do the wedding sooner than later due to religious reasons and my parents offering to help us fund the wedding. 

Recently, I've discovered family members of his who are disgruntled due to the fact we did not plan for his great grandmother. Saving up for a wedding In a handicap accessible venue honestly wasn't possible for us. After the wedding we are saving for grad school and adoption expenses. 

I, in no way, meant to ostracize his great grandmother. My family is not close and, to be honest, only my parents are being invited from my side (my family is NOT close). FI never explained to me how close knit his family is. (Our wedding is small -meant to be Close friends and immediate family due to my family dynamics but he, without asking me, invited his extended family). 

Recently, we talked to his grandmother about th situation and she said she would talk to her mother. At the last family gathering, it was decided we are to explain to her 

she is not one to admit her physical limitations. She has trouble getting up one tiny step into her mothers home, let alone the four steps into my parents home and two steps into the dining area. 

How should we discuss this with her without making her hate me?! 

if things were not already set In motion, possibly we could have changed things. But the point of the low budget parent house wedding was to be able to save for grad school and future adoption. 

This is making me wish  we  would have just done a court house wedding  

I'm sorry you're stressed out about this. It sounds like you and FI need to get on the same page about wedding plans. But what's done is done. Since it sounds like FI invited her it would be incredibly rude to uninvite her. I gather she can walk just not up steps? You can buy/rent ramps.

OurWildKingdom

Ramps are also fairly easy to build, if you're handy or know someone who is.

CMGragain

Is there an entrance to your parents' home that has fewer steps, like maybe through the garage?  I just made an appointment for knee replacement surgery, and I wouldn't mind a bit of struggling for an important wedding.  Get a couple of groomsmen to help her.

crowsgirl15

scribe95 said:

I honestly don't blame her for being upset. You act like his great grandmother is a cousin fourth removed. In my opinion you invite her and help her up/down the stairs and do whatever you can to accommodate her. I have seen groomsmen pick up a wheelchair so someone could attend a wedding. 

Also, how can you be getting married and planning to adopt and not know what kind of family relationships he has? That is just odd.

This. All of this.

Four steps don't sound insurmountable. Get someone to carry her up the four stairs, build a small ramp, or help her up them. He wants his great grandmother there (which sounds pretty reasonable to me), so you need to figure out how to get her there.

It also sounds like there are some conversations you still need to have before you commit to each other. Family dynamics is a pretty big thing to not know about your future spouse. What's going to happen when you do adopt kids? Who is he going to want to be there for birthdays? Who is he going to want to visit the first week your son or daughter is home? How close he is to his grandparents seems like something you should know.

climbingsingle

I think the major problem here is that you and your FI do not communicate. And you should probably figure that out BEFORE you get married. How did you not know that he's close to his extended family? This seems a little nuts to me. My H and I were engaged after 5 months, and I absolutely without a doubt knew which relatives he was close with, and which ones he was inviting to our wedding. What other things have you not discussed? Marriage is a huge step, and you need to make sure you're both on the same page with things like finances, childcare, running and upkeep of the home, and about 30 other things. 

My suggesting is to figure out a way to be able to accommodate his great-grandmother. Rent ramps, have someone strong on hand to help her up, move her wheelchair, whatever. 

kvruns

Definitely find a way to accommodate her. 6 steps total don't sound insurmountable.

The weird thing to me is FI never mentioned inviting her and now it has suddenly turned into a big thing. Did he just forget, or did he not care until another family member raised the issue and he realized it was bad to exclude her?

mollybarker11

Firstly: Stop verbally inviting people / informing them they're uninvited / telling guests who else is or isn't invited. You will need to send formal invitations to all the extended family members your fiancé has invited.

Have you & your FI sat together and physically written down your guest list? That should be the first thing on your to-do list at this point. Your parents may have a say in it since they're paying for the event. Everyone must be on the same page about this to avoid more mix-ups going forward.

As others have mentioned, you can find a way to make your parents' home accessible for your future great-grandmother (FGGM?). Since she is an important part of your FI's close family, I strongly suggest you do so. Your concern shouldn't be whether she hates you, but whether you hurt her. I'm not sure there is any way to tell someone they're not invited to something without hurting them. I wish you luck smoothing this over!

floridabride44

This is a person you're about to commit to spending your entire life with, and you didn't even know he had a close-knit family? 



You and your FI seem to have a communication issue that should probably be solved before you get married. The fact that you weren't on the same page about your wedding guest list, to the point that he invited people without running it by you first, and the fact that you didn't know he had a close-knit family raises a huge red flag for me. 

LD1970

How old are you and your fiance?
How long have you and your fiance known each other?
At what point do you and your fiance plan to learn to actually speak to each other?

sparklepants41

PaperTigersx said:

we decided to have our wedding at my parents home. 
My FI had never mentioned inviting his great grandmother, so I never asked. 

My parents house is NOT handicap accessible. There is a family member of mine we cannot invite due to this and she is understanding of it. 
We chose to do the wedding sooner than later due to religious reasons and my parents offering to help us fund the wedding. 

Recently, I've discovered family members of his who are disgruntled due to the fact we did not plan for his great grandmother. Saving up for a wedding In a handicap accessible venue honestly wasn't possible for us. After the wedding we are saving for grad school and adoption expenses. 

I, in no way, meant to ostracize his great grandmother. My family is not close and, to be honest, only my parents are being invited from my side (my family is NOT close). FI never explained to me how close knit his family is. (Our wedding is small -meant to be Close friends and immediate family due to my family dynamics but he, without asking me, invited his extended family). 

Recently, we talked to his grandmother about th situation and she said she would talk to her mother. At the last family gathering, it was decided we are to explain to her 

she is not one to admit her physical limitations. She has trouble getting up one tiny step into her mothers home, let alone the four steps into my parents home and two steps into the dining area. 

How should we discuss this with her without making her hate me?! 

if things were not already set In motion, possibly we could have changed things. But the point of the low budget parent house wedding was to be able to save for grad school and future adoption. 

This is making me wish  we  would have just done a court house wedding  

First bolded - how in the hell is this something you don't know about the person you are getting MARRIED to???

Second bolded - are you not planning the wedding with your FI? It's just as much his wedding as it is yours. 

pegasuskat

I have a house that has steps at every entrance.  We ended up building a ramp to accommodate our elderly grandparents, but before we did my H and son would just get on either side and help them in. No way would I expect to get married and exclude grandparents, that's NOT extended family in my world.  I am with all the PP who don't understand how you don't know any of his family dynamic and your getting married.....

scrunchythief

Get premarital counseling.  I recommend this to everyone, but this is important.  You don't know how close he is to his family, which I'd assume means you haven't seen how he interacts with them much.  This is extremely important.  These are the people that helped form him.  You can learn a lot about a person by watching their family and how they interact.

Counseling can also help you develop your communication skills.  So many arguments can be avoided by being on the same page early on.

The ramps are a great idea!  I'm not sure I would've thought of that; I'll file that away in case we ever are in a similar situation with a party or something.

kimmiinthemitten

PaperTigersx said:

Recently, I've discovered family members of his who are disgruntled due to the fact we did not plan for his great grandmother. Saving up for a wedding In a handicap accessible venue honestly wasn't possible for us. After the wedding we are saving for grad school and adoption expenses. 

It is possible, you made a choice to put your education and family plans first, which is fine and within your rights. However, if those choices mean excluding close family members or friends, they have every right to be upset by your choice.

I, in no way, meant to ostracize his great grandmother. My family is not close and, to be honest, only my parents are being invited from my side (my family is NOT close). FI never explained to me how close knit his family is. (Our wedding is small -meant to be Close friends and immediate family due to my family dynamics but he, without asking me, invited his extended family).

I wouldn't consider a great-grandmother extended family and like PP's don't understand how you're so unfamiliar with his family dynamics. Did the two of you sit down and put together a guest list? If not, how do you know your parents house is big enough to accommodate everyone or how many chairs and tables you need to rent?

 
How should we discuss this with her without making her hate me?! 

if things were not already set In motion, possibly we could have changed things. But the point of the low budget parent house wedding was to be able to save for grad school and future adoption. 
  

You have a choice to make, and I highly recommend you find a way to make this work.  It's his great-grandmother for heavens sake.  What I wouldn't give to have a single grandparent of mine still alive, let along a great grandparent.  Rent a ramp, find people to carry her, change  venues; anything.  

If your budget is so small that you can't afford a ramp for a day, you should probably think about putting grad school or adoption on hold for now.  As someone who has BTDT, it sounds like one unexpected expense could ruin you financially, and I wouldn't want to take that risk with college loans or a baby in tow.

holyguacamole79

kimmiinthemitten said:

I wouldn't consider a great-grandmother extended family and like PP's don't understand how you're so unfamiliar with his family dynamics. Did the two of you sit down and put together a guest list? If not, how do you know your parents house is big enough to accommodate everyone or how many chairs and tables you need to rent?

THIS. When I say my "extended family", I mean cousins. My grandparents (if they were still alive) would be a default invite. You and your FI need to find a way to accommodate his great grandmother.

pinkcow13

I find it kind of odd how you did not know that your FI is close to his family. How long have you guys been together? Have you not been to other family events of his? I think I knew within a month of dating my H (and we were away at college), that his family was close. It's just one of those things that inevitably comes up. 

A handicap accessible  venue does not necessarily have to be more expensive than any other venue. If you absolutely cannot move your venue then you need to look into building ramps or securing someone that will help her. Since his family is close knit I'm assuming that there may be uncles, aunts, cousins, etc that maybe help her out when she goes out to other events. Is she in a wheelchair? Can someone possibly carry her? There is no way you can uninvite her, what you need to do is secure a solution to make sure that she is able to make it.

ei34

You and your FI need to do a better job of communicating with each other.  It'll do wonders for your marriage (no snark intended, it's just so important).
My 92-yr-old grandmother has been in a wheelchair for years now, and my parents' house has 8 steps to get in.  My dad, brother, H, uncles etc take turns carrying her, in her wheelchair, in and out of the house for parties.  Would this be a possibility for your FI's great-grandmother? 

artbyallie

You know, none of my or H's great-grandparents lived to see our wedding. If they had, you can bet your ass it would have been a major priority to make sure they could attend.

OurWildKingdom

artbyallie said:

You know, none of my or H's great-grandparents lived to see our wedding. If they had, you can bet your ass it would have been a major priority to make sure they could attend.

Nor mine. My paternal grandmother is the only one of our grandparents who will be at our wedding. FW isn't on speaking terms with her living grandparents, my paternal grandfather died in 2014, and my maternal grandmother has Alzheimer's disease and lives in a memory care facility. As much as it breaks my heart that she won't be there, she wanders and gets combative. That's not something my family should have to worry about. 

SP29

Definitely some major communication issues going on here. You and your FI need to sit down and create a guest list together- does it fit within your budget? Can you accommodate all these guests in your parents home? And you should be sending formal invites to all guests and receiving RSVPs. How else do you know how many chairs and tables and how much food?

As for great-grandmother, FI should apologize to her for the oversight and let her know you will make something work.

A ramp can be rented easily. Or, if she is in/can borrow or rent a wheelchair, it is easy to lift her up the stairs in it with 2 people. Face the wheelchair away from the top- big wheels go up first. One person stands at the handles and lifts there (facing GG's back), tilt the wheelchair back slightly. The other person stands in front of GG and lifts slightly at the front wheels. Roll the wheelchair up the stairs.

CMGragain

You have no business making decisions for other people.  Great-grandma should decide whether or not she can attend your wedding.  You have no right to make the decision for her.  This is like the destination brides who don't ask relatives because they don't want them to feel obligated to spend the money.  Not your decision.

bohobrideCA

Our venue is big and old with lots of steep hills, we are using a golf cart to help shuttle guests with limitations, including my step mother's mother who is in a wheelchair. 

When I asked FI who was important to invite he gave me 5 names. The next time I saw his mother I asked her and low and behold there were aunts and cousins that just slipped his mind at the time.

I agree with the PP's, this is a great grandmother and people are hurt, you're gonna have to figure out a way to make it work. 

PaperTigersx

lc07 said:

PaperTigersx said:

we decided to have our wedding at my parents home. 
My FI had never mentioned inviting his great grandmother, so I never asked. 

My parents house is NOT handicap accessible. There is a family member of mine we cannot invite due to this and she is understanding of it. 
We chose to do the wedding sooner than later due to religious reasons and my parents offering to help us fund the wedding. 

Recently, I've discovered family members of his who are disgruntled due to the fact we did not plan for his great grandmother. Saving up for a wedding In a handicap accessible venue honestly wasn't possible for us. After the wedding we are saving for grad school and adoption expenses. 

I, in no way, meant to ostracize his great grandmother. My family is not close and, to be honest, only my parents are being invited from my side (my family is NOT close). FI never explained to me how close knit his family is. (Our wedding is small -meant to be Close friends and immediate family due to my family dynamics but he, without asking me, invited his extended family). 

Recently, we talked to his grandmother about th situation and she said she would talk to her mother. At the last family gathering, it was decided we are to explain to her 

she is not one to admit her physical limitations. She has trouble getting up one tiny step into her mothers home, let alone the four steps into my parents home and two steps into the dining area. 

How should we discuss this with her without making her hate me?! 

if things were not already set In motion, possibly we could have changed things. But the point of the low budget parent house wedding was to be able to save for grad school and future adoption. 

This is making me wish  we  would have just done a court house wedding  

I'm sorry you're stressed out about this. It sounds like you and FI need to get on the same page about wedding plans. But what's done is done. Since it sounds like FI invited her it would be incredibly rude to uninvite her. I gather she can walk just not up steps? You can buy/rent ramps.

She wasn't invited. Save the dates recently went out and that's when all this came up. scribe95 said:

I honestly don't blame her for being upset. You act like his great grandmother is a cousin fourth removed. In my opinion you invite her and help her up/down the stairs and do whatever you can to accommodate her. I have seen groomsmen pick up a wheelchair so someone could attend a wedding. 

Also, how can you be getting married and planning to adopt and not know what kind of family relationships he has? That is just odd.

When we discussed who to invite, we discussed that she would not be able to come. She has a very hard time getting up any steps and is mostly immobile. I am not saying she is a distance relative. But initially we were only inviting parents and close friends to avoid some of these challenges. crowsgirl15 said:

scribe95 said:

I honestly don't blame her for being upset. You act like his great grandmother is a cousin fourth removed. In my opinion you invite her and help her up/down the stairs and do whatever you can to accommodate her. I have seen groomsmen pick up a wheelchair so someone could attend a wedding. 

Also, how can you be getting married and planning to adopt and not know what kind of family relationships he has? That is just odd.

This. All of this.

Four steps don't sound insurmountable. Get someone to carry her up the four stairs, build a small ramp, or help her up them. He wants his great grandmother there (which sounds pretty reasonable to me), so you need to figure out how to get her there.

It also sounds like there are some conversations you still need to have before you commit to each other. Family dynamics is a pretty big thing to not know about your future spouse. What's going to happen when you do adopt kids? Who is he going to want to be there for birthdays? Who is he going to want to visit the first week your son or daughter is home? How close he is to his grandparents seems like something you should know.

We have discussed his family dynamics many times. He is not close with his aunts for several reasons and it was his moms idea to invite them and did so on her own. He never corrected her and I didn't want to look like the bad person by telling her she couldn't do that. I like his family and don't really have a problem with them coming. I don't have a problem with his great grandmother coming but at this point, we don't have the space. 

kvruns said:

Definitely find a way to accommodate her. 6 steps total don't sound insurmountable.

The weird thing to me is FI never mentioned inviting her and now it has suddenly turned into a big thing. Did he just forget, or did he not care until another family member raised the issue and he realized it was bad to exclude her?

I believe this was more the issue. He never discussed inviting her due to the fact that she has trouble getting around. He didn't want to burden his grandmother as she would be the one driving her and would most likely have to leave our wedding early. 

mollybarker11 said:

Firstly: Stop verbally inviting people / informing them they're uninvited / telling guests who else is or isn't invited. You will need to send formal invitations to all the extended family members your fiancé has invited.

Have you & your FI sat together and physically written down your guest list? That should be the first thing on your to-do list at this point. Your parents may have a say in it since they're paying for the event. Everyone must be on the same page about this to avoid more mix-ups going forward.

As others have mentioned, you can find a way to make your parents' home accessible for your future great-grandmother (FGGM?). Since she is an important part of your FI's close family, I strongly suggest you do so. Your concern shouldn't be whether she hates you, but whether you hurt her. I'm not sure there is any way to tell someone they're not invited to something without hurting them. I wish you luck smoothing this over!

I never verbally invited or uninvited anyone. We finalized the guest list months ago and save the dates went out earlier this month. 

OurWildKingdom

That wasn't your decision to make, @PaperTigersx. You send the invitation, and people decide whether they can or can't come (or want to or don't want to). I know a couple of my friends won't be able to come for one reason or another and that my maternal grandmother is too ill, but I'm still inviting them.

You need to fix this now.

ETA: Why didn't you say earlier that your guest list was 10 people? 

PaperTigersx

I didn't really expect to get so much hate out of this. I wanted advice and really just got a lot of judgement without being able to defend myself. But from lurking on other posts, I Shoild have expected. 

Its a  safety concern for her to get up the steps. Even with help, she has fallen a few times and refuses to use a wheelchair.  

We  have wonderful communication and it's more the rest of his family that is close knit. He didn't want the extended family invited initially until his mother invited them  

and i do consider extended family cousins, aunts, uncles etc and he was In agreeance with that. 

Im more frustrated with how our 10 person guest list has more than doubled and continues to grow even after finalizing the list. 

I hadn't thought of looking into ramp rentals and I will. It's not that more of an expense that we couldn't handle. 
There are steps to get up onto the deck we are having the ceremony, steps into the house, and steps into the eating area or steps to the backyard. 
Thank you for those who gave that advice. 
We will work on expanding the wedding outdoors under a tent. 

Now  everyone can be happy and no one excluded. 

OurWildKingdom

PaperTigersx said:

I didn't really expect to get so much hate out of this. I wanted advice and really just got a lot of judgement without being able to defend myself. But from lurking on other posts, I Shoild have expected. 

Hate is a pretty strong word. Constructive, blunt feedback is not synonymous with hate.

PaperTigersx

OurWildKingdom said:

That wasn't your decision to make, @PaperTigersx. You send the invitation, and people decide whether they can or can't come (or want to or don't want to). I know a couple of my friends won't be able to come for one reason or another and that my maternal grandmother is too ill, but I'm still inviting them.

You need to fix this now.

it is being fixed. As no one gave me a chance to respond- we are looking into a ramp rental. 

OurWildKingdom

PaperTigersx said:

OurWildKingdom said:

That wasn't your decision to make, @PaperTigersx. You send the invitation, and people decide whether they can or can't come (or want to or don't want to). I know a couple of my friends won't be able to come for one reason or another and that my maternal grandmother is too ill, but I'm still inviting them.

You need to fix this now.

it is being fixed. As no one gave me a chance to respond- we are looking into a ramp rental. 

Looks to me like you got plenty of chance to respond. So rent the ramp, and try not to be so thoughtless in future.

ETA: I think our posts showed up at the same time, so I didn't see the part where you're looking into renting a ramp. I do understand your frustration too, but it sounds like everyone needs to breathe, regroup, and figure out where to go from here.

And I apologize for calling you thoughtless. 

Viczaesar

PaperTigersx said:

I didn't really expect to get so much hate out of this. I wanted advice and really just got a lot of judgement without being able to defend myself. But from lurking on other posts, I Shoild have expected.

FFS.  Nobody gave you hate, and how exactly were you not able to "defend" yourself?

PaperTigersx said:

OurWildKingdom said:

That wasn't your decision to make, @PaperTigersx. You send the invitation, and people decide whether they can or can't come (or want to or don't want to). I know a couple of my friends won't be able to come for one reason or another and that my maternal grandmother is too ill, but I'm still inviting them.

You need to fix this now.

it is being fixed. As no one gave me a chance to respond- we are looking into a ramp rental. 

Nobody gave you a chance to respond?  Are you allergic to personal responsibility or something?  You posted this thread last night.  You had all last night and all day today to respond.  The fact that you didn't respond earlier is nobody's fault but your own.

Viczaesar

PaperTigersx said:

I didn't really expect to get so much hate out of this. I wanted advice and really just got a lot of judgement without being able to defend myself. But from lurking on other posts, I Shoild have expected. 

Its a  safety concern for her to get up the steps. Even with help, she has fallen a few times and refuses to use a wheelchair.  

We  have wonderful communication and it's more the rest of his family that is close knit. He didn't want the extended family invited initially until his mother invited them  

and i do consider extended family cousins, aunts, uncles etc and he was In agreeance with that. 

Im more frustrated with how our 10 person guest list has more than doubled and continues to grow even after finalizing the list. 

I hadn't thought of looking into ramp rentals and I will. It's not that more of an expense that we couldn't handle. 
There are steps to get up onto the deck we are having the ceremony, steps into the house, and steps into the eating area or steps to the backyard. 
Thank you for those who gave that advice. 
We will work on expanding the wedding outdoors under a tent. 

Now  everyone can be happy and no one excluded. 

In your original post you said that HE was the one who invited his extended family.

crowsgirl15

PaperTigersx said:

OurWildKingdom said:

That wasn't your decision to make, @PaperTigersx. You send the invitation, and people decide whether they can or can't come (or want to or don't want to). I know a couple of my friends won't be able to come for one reason or another and that my maternal grandmother is too ill, but I'm still inviting them.

You need to fix this now.

it is being fixed. As no one gave me a chance to respond- we are looking into a ramp rental. 

No one gave you a chance to respond? Seriously? No one posted more than once on this thread until you came back. Blaming us for you waiting a long time to respond is a strange choice.