Snarky Brides

Up a wall.

2

Re: Up a wall.

  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2016
    What's actually surprising is how long it took for older generations to realize that men caring about things like weddings and other life events isn't an anomaly.
    @InLoveInQueens It's not that it's not just an anomaly: it's that we, as potential life partners to men/others, have a choice in shaping their behavior. If we expect it, if we demand it, it will happen (slowly). It's a society-wide shift in expectations of both genders. Although, my gut instinct suspects a lot of this has to do with middle class women having to work full-time....

    I'm loving this: 
    1. It's good to hear some men change their children's diapers.
    2. It's good to hear some men share the housework with their partners.
    3. It's good to hear some men support their partner's career/life goals.
    4. It's good to hear some men continue to purchase the Xmas/holiday gifts for their side of the family.
    5. It's good to hear some men take responsibility for their relationship with their family by scheduling events with their family.
    6. It's good to hear having a uterus isn't a prerequisite to planning a wedding.


    k thnx bye

    Knottie1452098987CMGragainSP29
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    I had to explain to him that it was our wedding and he'd better start voicing opinions and making decisions on how we were spending his parents' money and I was not going to be solely responsible. After that blow-up, wedding planning as two partners became infinitely easier and he had lots of ideas and desires for our wedding. 
    @thisismynickname Classic example of "If we expect it, if we demand it, it will happen (slowly). " Sometimes there's mixed expectations about roles in planning/housework/life, but communication is the best way to get on the same page w.r.t. expectations. This looks like a case of him wanting to take on the emotional/logistical labor, but outdated societal expectations kept him from it. He just needed a little liberation   ;)


    k thnx bye

    thisismynickname2
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited May 2016
    Tyvm said:
    What's actually surprising is how long it took for older generations to realize that men caring about things like weddings and other life events isn't an anomaly.
    @InLoveInQueens It's not that it's not just an anomaly: it's that we, as potential life partners to men/others, have a choice in shaping their behavior. If we expect it, if we demand it, it will happen (slowly). It's a society-wide shift in expectations of both genders. Although, my gut instinct suspects a lot of this has to do with middle class women having to work full-time....

    I'm loving this: 
    1. It's good to hear some men change their children's diapers.
    2. It's good to hear some men share the housework with their partners.
    3. It's good to hear some men support their partner's career/life goals.
    4. It's good to hear some men continue to purchase the Xmas/holiday gifts for their side of the family.
    5. It's good to hear some men take responsibility for their relationship with their family by scheduling events with their family.
    6. It's good to hear having a uterus isn't a prerequisite to planning a wedding.
    Beautiful!  I wish I had this to show to my DH forty years ago!  He didn't do any of this.   You ladies are wonderful!  So why isn't there a "Groom's Magazine"?  Why is it "Bride's Magazine"?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    @OurWildKingdom It's not the 'Snarky Brides' boards for no reason  ;)

    So why isn't there a "Groom's Magazine"?  Why is it "Bride's Magazine"?
    @CMGragain Popular media is a terrible representation of "reality." It's incredibly sexist and several years behind the times at all times. As an example, think of all the non-heterosexual and interracial relationships that are just now beginning to appear in major network advertisements and corporate social media. Did interracial marriages/families not exist before? Or were they simply left out of media as it was safer for the company?

    There is no Groom's Magazine because paper reading material sales are going down and major media moguls are too afraid to change with the times. "Bride Magazine" should be changed to "Bride and Groom Magazine", if it weren't already taken in the UK. They're usually socially several years ahead of the USA in several spheres.

    Behind.the.times.


    k thnx bye

    Knottie1452098987SP29Jen4948
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited May 2016
    CMGragain said:
    Tyvm said:
    What's actually surprising is how long it took for older generations to realize that men caring about things like weddings and other life events isn't an anomaly.
    @InLoveInQueens It's not that it's not just an anomaly: it's that we, as potential life partners to men/others, have a choice in shaping their behavior. If we expect it, if we demand it, it will happen (slowly). It's a society-wide shift in expectations of both genders. Although, my gut instinct suspects a lot of this has to do with middle class women having to work full-time....

    I'm loving this: 
    1. It's good to hear some men change their children's diapers.
    2. It's good to hear some men share the housework with their partners.
    3. It's good to hear some men support their partner's career/life goals.
    4. It's good to hear some men continue to purchase the Xmas/holiday gifts for their side of the family.
    5. It's good to hear some men take responsibility for their relationship with their family by scheduling events with their family.
    6. It's good to hear having a uterus isn't a prerequisite to planning a wedding.
    Beautiful!  I wish I had this to show to my DH forty years ago!  He didn't do any of this.   You ladies are wonderful!  So why isn't there a "Groom's Magazine"?  Why is it "Bride's Magazine"?
    This is ridiculous, my parents were married in 1971, and my brother was born in 1973. My father changed plenty of diapers, he also did most of the laundry and housework as my mother was the primary breadwinner and his job afforded him the luxury of working from home. 

    Guess what? YOU are the anomaly. I can cite numerous friends and family from the same era who grew up with very involved fathers. Just because your husband was an uninvolved father and partner doesn't mean you can paint all men from that era the same. 
    Hey, I didn't raise him...I just married him.  I blame his parents.
    This is a bit harsh, even for the Snarky board...and changing diapers does not necessarily make one a good parent.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    OurWildKingdomMobKaz
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 2016
    CMGragain said:
    CMGragain said:
    Tyvm said:
    What's actually surprising is how long it took for older generations to realize that men caring about things like weddings and other life events isn't an anomaly.
    @InLoveInQueens It's not that it's not just an anomaly: it's that we, as potential life partners to men/others, have a choice in shaping their behavior. If we expect it, if we demand it, it will happen (slowly). It's a society-wide shift in expectations of both genders. Although, my gut instinct suspects a lot of this has to do with middle class women having to work full-time....

    I'm loving this: 
    1. It's good to hear some men change their children's diapers.
    2. It's good to hear some men share the housework with their partners.
    3. It's good to hear some men support their partner's career/life goals.
    4. It's good to hear some men continue to purchase the Xmas/holiday gifts for their side of the family.
    5. It's good to hear some men take responsibility for their relationship with their family by scheduling events with their family.
    6. It's good to hear having a uterus isn't a prerequisite to planning a wedding.
    Beautiful!  I wish I had this to show to my DH forty years ago!  He didn't do any of this.   You ladies are wonderful!  So why isn't there a "Groom's Magazine"?  Why is it "Bride's Magazine"?
    This is ridiculous, my parents were married in 1971, and my brother was born in 1973. My father changed plenty of diapers, he also did most of the laundry and housework as my mother was the primary breadwinner and his job afforded him the luxury of working from home. 

    Guess what? YOU are the anomaly. I can cite numerous friends and family from the same era who grew up with very involved fathers. Just because your husband was an uninvolved father and partner doesn't mean you can paint all men from that era the same. 
    Hey, I didn't raise him...I just married him.  I blame his parents.
    This is a bit harsh, even for the Snarky board...and changing diapers does not necessarily make one a good parent.
    You may not have raised him but if you wanted him to be more involved, you could have asked him. My father's father was a cold academic man who believed that children should only be see and not heard and was never affectionate and had no interest in his childrens's lives. My father was a caring, affectionate and present father because that was his choice, and what our family needed.

    There are many men I know who have been raised without fathers, they are good dads and good partners. It's not only how you are raised, you can overcome that, it's making a conscious effort to be a present partner and father. Your justifications are ridiculous.

    THIS. CMG, my parents were married in 1970, and I believe they are older than you. My dad changed many diapers. He did all the grocery shopping. He cleaned the house WITH my mom. He cooked and baked. All of that on top of working 3 jobs so that my mom could stay home with us for a few years. 

    My parents also didn't find it shocking that my H picked our wedding venue. That weren't surprised that he cared. They weren't surprised that he planned the entire thing with me. Shit, he even made the centerpieces. Your backwards thinking is not because of your age. My in-laws are also older than you, and they don't assign themselves to these silly gender stereotypes you keep perpetuating. Just stop already. You've been posting on TK long enough to know. 
    TrixieJesscrowsgirl15Jen4948drid
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Tyvm said:
    so I'm just wondering what she think it's adding to the conversation at this point.
    @themosthappy91 It's quite clear it's not about adding to the conversation. It's a pretty simple attempt at attention seeking  / human contact. If we could all just ignore it, it might stop, but there's too many newcomers for that to be an effective approach.
    Also a ton of the people not afraid to call her out on her history of sexist/racist BS unfortunately don't post much anymore...

    Formerly martha1818

    image


    Knottie1452098987Jen4948
  • If this comes across as bitchy, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to understand something--people who are on these boards for like ten years, what's the point? Is it not wanting to let go of the wedding-planning-fun? Is it wanting to guide newbies? 
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    Knottie1452098987
  • I'm glad y'all realize that wasn't meant to be bitchy--it was genuine curiosity. I don't belong to a lot of forums. The last one, the Single Parents board on The Bump, was notoriously ugly so for a long time I've just skipped out on the drama affiliated with these sites. I'm glad to see people can mostly stay civil around here! 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    CMGragain said:
    I am surprised that your FI cares where the wedding is held.  My own DH only wanted to get our wedding over with so we could get on with our married life.  (SEX!)  Daughter's DH (who is very much like her Dad) also didn't really care much about wedding details.
    Nice to hear that there are some guys who get involved.
    You are so lucky to have generous parents who will pay for your wedding.  Many brides don't have this.  It isn't like they are asking for you to have a church wedding when you aren't religious.  All they want is a venue that is convenient for them.  No biggie for me!
    From your guests point of view, all they care about is a comfortable place to sit, good food and drink, and a reasonable commute.   They don't care about your decor or how pretty the site looks in your pictures.  Two hours to go to a wedding is nothing.  I flew 2000 miles to go to my own daughter's wedding, which I paid for!
    FYI, my now ex-BF cared more about where our wedding would have taken place than I did.

    Stop assuming that all men and women getting married feel, think, and behave the same way based solely on your experience, which is not the case for many other people.
    redoryxShesSoColdgeebee908Knottie1452098987
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited May 2016
    That's fantastic news, @bigbaypony! Huzzah for communication!
    SP29Knottie1452098987
  • I didn't realize that this would cause so much ire! Not to redirect from the definitely valid and needed conversation regarding male roles in life/weddings but...

    I do have an update on this whole initial issue (which evolved from being frustrated with my FI to being frustrated with my mother but that's a whole different thread) - we went home this past weekend to tour 2 venues with my mother and father: 1 new one and 1 second tour at the pricey venue I love.

    The second tour at my favorite venue went very well, aside from the fact that my father seemed to be iffy about the one ballroom FI and I loved. The venue is an old dormitory from a boarding school but has now been restored to a boutique hotel with 2 ballrooms (oak paneled ceilings, original parquet flooring, original brickwork... drool!) - ballroom 1 fits 120-140 and ballroom 2 fits 150+. So based on our guest list and the lower minimum guest count, we liked ballroom 1. Ballroom 2 is grander and we didn't like it at first but on this second visit, we both agreed it was gorgeous but out of the question because of expense.

    We get home and sit down to have a serious talk about the venue options and see if we can come to a decision at all. My father said he could understand why FI and I loved the historic venue... and then surprised the hell out of both of us by saying he liked it as wellin  and was happy paying the money for it but he wanted us to have it in ballroom 2, even though it will be much more expensive than we even initially thought.

    So overall, it was a happy ending to this part of the wedding planning! It was definitely a good exercise for FI and I though; it really helped me communicate more firmly with him rather than trying to tiptoe around a subject that I was uncomfortable with. 
    This sound so much like my dad it's uncanny. Our wedding was in a restored 1910s1920s Art Deco boutique hotel that I though my dad was going to hate (he was paying primarily) and he LOVED it but only if we used the one room. Worked out that one was more expensive but he liked it so much he changed his mind. 

    Glad its working out!
    OurWildKingdom
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