So not what I wanted....

Windycityyarn

Just need to rant for a moment here. My FI's Mom and step-Dad are in town visiting, and asked us about general wedding weekend plans. We talked about having a small rehearsal dinner with just immediate family and the wedding party. FI's step-Dad got so upset and argued with us about how all these family members will be coming in for our wedding and spending lots of money to be here and how we owe them another dinner (in addition to, you know, the wedding). And he doesn't understand why we can't just "rent a hall" and have a potluck rehearsal dinner or have it "at someone's house." We live in Chicago, and the wedding is downtown, so space is an issue, and we can't ask our siblings with young kids to haul out to the suburbs. And no one who lives in the city has that much space at their place. It's yet another thing in wedding planning where we can't possibly please everyone but that people feel the need to tell us their opinion and possibly argue about it, too.

I think I'm just really done with this whole thing. My Mom is recovering from breast cancer, my FI and I just moved in together, and I have this thing called a full-time job. It feels less and less like our wedding, and more like everyone else's. I think the only time I've felt really happy was standing in my dress, which I love. When I was home this past weekend visiting my parents, my Mom randomly asked if I was getting excited yet. It was a bit of a non sequitur, but it didn't even occur to me that she was asking about the wedding, which is in September. At this point I just feel like an unpaid event planner.

kimmiinthemitten

Windycityyarn said:

Just need to rant for a moment here. My FI's Mom and step-Dad are in town visiting, and asked us about general wedding weekend plans. We talked about having a small rehearsal dinner with just immediate family and the wedding party. FI's step-Dad got so upset and argued with us about how all these family members will be coming in for our wedding and spending lots of money to be here and how we owe them another dinner (in addition to, you know, the wedding). And he doesn't understand why we can't just "rent a hall" and have a potluck rehearsal dinner or have it "at someone's house." We live in Chicago, and the wedding is downtown, so space is an issue, and we can't ask our siblings with young kids to haul out to the suburbs. And no one who lives in the city has that much space at their place. It's yet another thing in wedding planning where we can't possibly please everyone but that people feel the need to tell us their opinion and possibly argue about it, too.

I think I'm just really done with this whole thing. My Mom is recovering from breast cancer, my FI and I just moved in together, and I have this thing called a full-time job. It feels less and less like our wedding, and more like everyone else's. I think the only time I've felt really happy was standing in my dress, which I love. When I was home this past weekend visiting my parents, my Mom randomly asked if I was getting excited yet. It was a bit of a non sequitur, but it didn't even occur to me that she was asking about the wedding, which is in September. At this point I just feel like an unpaid event planner.

I'm sorry you're stressing. I would just stick to your guns and say no. If you wanted to meet up with out of town guests for a cocktail the night before, you could spread by word of mouth that you'll be at the hotel bar at x pm for anyone who wants to stop by. 

However, an invitation is not a summons and your OOT guests chose to accept that invitation without any promise from you of further hosting. Of course it's always nice if you can go above and beyond, but it's not required. 

missJeanLouise

If FFIL wants to host a dinner for OOT guests then he is free to do so but you are not obligated to do it. He should be thanking you for what you are doing, not chastising you for what you are not. 
We are having a small RD and then spreading the word that we will be hanging out at X pub until 9pm. That way people can decide on their own if they want to stop by and we (or FMIL, who is hosting the RD) aren't on the hook for their dinner and drinks. 

charlotte989875

Windycityyarn said:

Just need to rant for a moment here. My FI's Mom and step-Dad are in town visiting, and asked us about general wedding weekend plans. We talked about having a small rehearsal dinner with just immediate family and the wedding party. FI's step-Dad got so upset and argued with us about how all these family members will be coming in for our wedding and spending lots of money to be here and how we owe them another dinner (in addition to, you know, the wedding). And he doesn't understand why we can't just "rent a hall" and have a potluck rehearsal dinner or have it "at someone's house." We live in Chicago, and the wedding is downtown, so space is an issue, and we can't ask our siblings with young kids to haul out to the suburbs. And no one who lives in the city has that much space at their place. It's yet another thing in wedding planning where we can't possibly please everyone but that people feel the need to tell us their opinion and possibly argue about it, too.

I think I'm just really done with this whole thing. My Mom is recovering from breast cancer, my FI and I just moved in together, and I have this thing called a full-time job. It feels less and less like our wedding, and more like everyone else's. I think the only time I've felt really happy was standing in my dress, which I love. When I was home this past weekend visiting my parents, my Mom randomly asked if I was getting excited yet. It was a bit of a non sequitur, but it didn't even occur to me that she was asking about the wedding, which is in September. At this point I just feel like an unpaid event planner.

Is your FSFIL paying for the wedding or the rehearsal dinner? If not as PPs have said, have your FI tell him you're sorry that he is not happy with your plans, but that is what you two have decided to do. If he is paying he is free to plan and host it however he wants. 

I recommend taking a little break from all things wedding. You have tons of time left so spend a weekend with your FI doing things you love to do, without talking or thinking about the wedding. 

As as for the bolded, well you kind of are if you're planning and paying for your own wedding. But that's good, it means you get to make your own decisions. 

Heffalump

Yeah, if your FFIL wants to invite the whole family, he can host.  People don't get to tell other people how to spend their money.  If he wants it that badly, he can make it happen.

LD1970

I'll tell you something I learned years ago:  No is not a 4-letter word.  It's a viable part of the English language, and you're entitled to use it.

I had people fly from all over for my wedding too.  I didn't have a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner at all, because I chose not to.  So there you go.  Unless FSFIL is paying and hosting, feel free to tell him to suck it.

MesmrEwe

My verbiage that I'd use to your FSFIL wouldn't exactly be kind..  If he's hosting the RD he can invite as many people as he wants/is willing to pay for.  The mere THOUGHT of driving to DT Chicago or the outskirts on a Friday night would be frustrating.  It's hard enough to get DT there on a weekend, and don't get me started on the cost of tolls...  Knowing how busy I was the night of the RD, I'd also say that I had no time for hosting the RD let alone a room full of guests the night before the wedding!  If you and FI are hosting the RD, stick together and be firm about what you're hosting for the RD..

Yes, you are an unpaid event planner - it's your and FI's event you're planning here.  You could hire it out, but you've chosen to DIY on the planning, most people do! 

Yes, your guests from OOT are choosing to come in for the wedding, it's not a subpoena or forced business meeting.  You don't "owe" them dinner the night before, you owe them to be properly hosted at the wedding reception whether that's a "Cake & Punch" reception or a "7-course meal with pairings"...  IMO - when I travel to an OOT wedding, the last thing I want to do on the night that I'm getting into town is to be there by a certain time for an extra dinner - I prefer to figure out my own schedule...

MesmrEwe

Sorry - Duplicate....

scrunchythief

Can you put your dress on again?  Taking a break from planning the wedding in general helped me with stress.  But sometimes I'd just focus on a fun part so I could feel excited about the wedding and getting married.

scrunchythief

Double post:)

Windycityyarn

Thanks for your support, guys. I realized that FI and I have been really busy, and now his parents are visiting, so things are just moving fast. I said that he and I need to talk privately before we make decisions about the RD.  (And sadly, I can't just put the dress on since it's now at alterations. But hey, at least I love the dress!)

MobKaz

I have attended multiple OOT and out-of-state weddings.  Not once have I ever expected the wedding couple or their parents to host a dinner for me the night prior to the wedding.  I would also never expect them to host a breakfast the morning after the wedding, either. 

I did attend a wedding where the majority of the guests stayed in one hotel.  There was an open invitation for guests to meet casually at the hotel bar the evening prior to the wedding.  I forget now how the invitation was worded, but it was properly and politely indicated that nothing would be hosted.  I  thought that was more than acceptable.

thisismynickname2

I'm going to take a wild guess here and suggest that most people who travel to a big city (or other popular tourist destination) for a wedding would rather not do a formal wedding-related event the night before a wedding. I daresay people would rather do their own thing. 
When I think of two occasions that I traveled in the day or two days before a destination wedding, I remember that I treated them like mini vacations! Went exploring, etc. Had a blast, just me and my date. 

If the parents want to host something for their own relatives, they can feel free. 

And for what it's worth, if you find yourself needing a big rehearsal after all, all the pizza joints would be the best cost-effective options. Semi-private dining areas at places like Giordanos would be great.