Is my gay BFF gay if we had sex and he wants to keep at it?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I had a really big crush on this guy back in eighth grade. He told me he was gay, and we’ve been best friends ever since. My parents know he’s gay, so we don’t have to follow rules I would normally have to follow if I had a guy over. He is really affectionate, and he likes to cuddle. Recently he has started kissing me, and he feels me up sometimes too. I asked him what was going on, and he said he was just curious. I thought it was weird that he would be curious about what a girl felt like if he was attracted to guys, but I didn’t say anything else.

Well, yesterday we had sex. And it brought back all these feelings for me that I guess I’ve buried because I thought he was gay. I asked him if this meant he wasn’t really gay, and he said “No,” that he was still just curious, that it felt good but he was still only attracted to guys. I feel he may not really be gay at all because I look nothing like a guy, and he had to have been attracted to me in order to do it, right? I also asked him if he’s ever been with a guy at all, and he said he hasn’t. I don’t know what to do. I love him, and he says that he loves me too but just wants to stay friends but that he also would like to have sex again. I would like to do that again and again and again, but it’s because I love him so much. What makes someone gay? And can you be gay but still have sex with someone who is not gay? I am really confused right now.

—Confused, Not Curious

baconsmom

Oh, sweetie. You're a teenager. Everyone's just experimenting. 

OurWildKingdom

I just love bi erasure. Why do most people assume everyone is either straight or gay?

VarunaTT

She needs to stop.  Whatever his sexual orientation is (gay, straight, bi, pan, demi, etc.) she's not actually comfortable with experimenting w/him, she wants a relationship.  If he doesn't know that, if she is doing this b/c of that, she's just going to get hurt.  It's not fair to either one of them really.

princessleia22

Maybe he's just experimenting, maybe he's gay, maybe he's bi... it doesn't really matter.  She needs to put a stop to this.  He's told her that he's not interested in anything more serious.  She needs to tell him that she does have deeper feelings and that crossing this line is bringing them back up, so she can't pursue that course.  Going that route is only going to get her hurt.  And if he really does care about her as a friend, he shouldn't want to pursue a path that he knows will cause her pain either.  Having regular casual sex can work fine until one party wants/feels more, then it doesn't work anymore.

MesmrEwe

He wants sex, she wants a relationship - <G> this won't end badly! 

Yea - He's Bi or was just saying he was gay because he's not all that into her, they're both too young for this... 

VarunaTT

There is also another identification now that I can't recall the terminology, where you're attracted to/will have sex with one sex, but really only have relationships + sex with the other.  It was on a video I watched the other day.

Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into an old prude with all of the new sexual orientation labels; other times I'm glad that the discussion is at least happening and we're not forcing people into sexuality labels that don't fit.

crowsgirl15

There was a quote on Queer as Folk that I may be butchering... "He's 17, he could rub up against a tree and get a hard on."

I'm not about to put this kid into a box...but the truth is that sex feels good. And when you're 17, "willing" is often the only orientation you need to make it work. Hearing that he's only attracted to guys...he's probably gay, or homoflexible...could be bi, but, more likely, he's 17 and wants sex. Any sex. And the fact that he liked it with her doesn't necessarily mean he was all that attracted.

She wants a relationship. He does not. He will probably never want one with her. This girl needs to stop.

MesmrEwe

crowsgirl15 said:

There was a quote on Queer as Folk that I may be butchering... "He's 17, he could rub up against a tree and get a hard on."

I'm not about to put this kid into a box...but the truth is that sex feels good. And when you're 17, "willing" is often the only orientation you need to make it work. Hearing that he's only attracted to guys...he's probably gay, or homoflexible...could be bi, but, more likely, he's 17 and wants sex. Any sex. And the fact that he liked it with her doesn't necessarily mean he was all that attracted.

She wants a relationship. He does not. He will probably never want one with her. This girl needs to stop.

Snort-worthy quote of the day!!!  (and accurate descriptor of "the age" too) LOL.. 

*Barbie*

VarunaTT said:

There is also another identification now that I can't recall the terminology, where you're attracted to/will have sex with one sex, but really only have relationships + sex with the other.  It was on a video I watched the other day.

Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into an old prude with all of the new sexual orientation labels; other times I'm glad that the discussion is at least happening and we're not forcing people into sexuality labels that don't fit.

the constant need to label your (in the general sense, not you, @VarunaTT) orientation/gender/sexuality annoys the shit out of me. as long as the people in the relationship are consenting adults and are comfortable/happy with their situation, why does it really matter  how they identify? If i'm not in that relationship, it doesn't impact me in the least.

(same goes for people who are happier not in sexual or romantic relationships) 

specifically in this case -completely agree that these 2 would be better off refraining from a sexual relationship since they have very different emotional viewpoints -she wants the romantic relationship, he wants a friend/fuckbuddy.

artbyallie

VarunaTT said:

There is also another identification now that I can't recall the terminology, where you're attracted to/will have sex with one sex, but really only have relationships + sex with the other.  It was on a video I watched the other day.

Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into an old prude with all of the new sexual orientation labels; other times I'm glad that the discussion is at least happening and we're not forcing people into sexuality labels that don't fit.

-romantic is the term for wanting a relationship (not necessarily including sex). So a person could be asexual but biromantic (wants a romantic relationship with a man or woman but not interested in physical sex). In this case it sounds like LW's bff is homoromantic and bisexual.

scrunchythief

Whatever his actual orientation is, I get a really sketchy vibe from this.  It may just be how she wrote it, but she doesn't mention him asking to do any of this.  Just that he did it.  

And he's saying he loves her,but he wants to just be friends, but he wants to have sex. I'm not surprised she's confused.

VarunaTT

*Barbie* said:

VarunaTT said:

There is also another identification now that I can't recall the terminology, where you're attracted to/will have sex with one sex, but really only have relationships + sex with the other.  It was on a video I watched the other day.

Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into an old prude with all of the new sexual orientation labels; other times I'm glad that the discussion is at least happening and we're not forcing people into sexuality labels that don't fit.

the constant need to label your (in the general sense, not you, @VarunaTT) orientation/gender/sexuality annoys the shit out of me. as long as the people in the relationship are consenting adults and are comfortable/happy with their situation, why does it really matter  how they identify? If i'm not in that relationship, it doesn't impact me in the least.

(same goes for people who are happier not in sexual or romantic relationships) 

specifically in this case -completely agree that these 2 would be better off refraining from a sexual relationship since they have very different emotional viewpoints -she wants the romantic relationship, he wants a friend/fuckbuddy.

I don't disagree, Barbie.  

Realistically though, the world works off of labels.  

Additionally, having a label can help you find a community and it can make working a complicated sexual/relationship world a lot easier for people.  A few months ago, I was interested in a particular person.  They told me they identified as demisexual, I said thank you for letting me know, and moved b/c that identity involved things I wasn't prepared to offer/be involved with.  Saved a wasted time and effort.

charlotte989875

mrs.conn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
I had a really big crush on this guy back in eighth grade. He told me he was gay, and we’ve been best friends ever since. My parents know he’s gay, so we don’t have to follow rules I would normally have to follow if I had a guy over. He is really affectionate, and he likes to cuddle. Recently he has started kissing me, and he feels me up sometimes too. I asked him what was going on, and he said he was just curious. I thought it was weird that he would be curious about what a girl felt like if he was attracted to guys, but I didn’t say anything else.

Well, yesterday we had sex. And it brought back all these feelings for me that I guess I’ve buried because I thought he was gay. I asked him if this meant he wasn’t really gay, and he said “No,” that he was still just curious, that it felt good but he was still only attracted to guys. I feel he may not really be gay at all because I look nothing like a guy, and he had to have been attracted to me in order to do it, right? I also asked him if he’s ever been with a guy at all, and he said he hasn’t. I don’t know what to do. I love him, and he says that he loves me too but just wants to stay friends but that he also would like to have sex again. I would like to do that again and again and again, but it’s because I love him so much. What makes someone gay? And can you be gay but still have sex with someone who is not gay? I am really confused right now.

—Confused, Not Curious

So many red flags here. Regardless of either of their orientation(s) the last sentence makes me sad for her. She wants to have sex with someone she says she loves who has said, repeatedly, that he doesn't love her. I just want to tell her there is so much better out there for her.

Also, how old are these kids?!

monkeysip

scrunchythief said:

Whatever his actual orientation is, I get a really sketchy vibe from this.  It may just be how she wrote it, but she doesn't mention him asking to do any of this.  Just that he did it.  

And he's saying he loves her,but he wants to just be friends, but he wants to have sex. I'm not surprised she's confused.

Yeah... umm.. me too.  I mean, I know they're young (teens?  high school?) but it sounds like he just started touching her.  And she goes along with it because she's in love with him.  He just seems like bad news for her...