Online dating with a disability

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I am a single middle-age woman who is educated, witty, well-read, liberal, independent, and adventurous. I am considered nice-looking, and I take a good photo. I also use a wheelchair due to partial paralysis of my legs, and I would like to be in a relationship. I am considering using Internet dating sites to meet someone, but I don’t know how—or when—to tell them about my disability and wheelchair. I can stand for photos, so I could keep it out of my profile. I don’t want to omit this information and then be rejected when they find out or to attract fetishists. I am not defined by my disability, but it is very significant in practical ways. What do you think?

—Serious Inquiries Only, Please

kimmiinthemitten

She forgot to mention humble.  

But seriously, that has to be tough.  I know it's easy to say that the people who mind won't matter, but I think  a lot of people use the search function in online dating to zoom into their ideal mate and not necessarily who they'd really date or like.  The amount of people seeking out wheelchair bound partners is probably slim, and she'd probably receive more rejections if she was honest upfront rather later in a conversation after a connection has been established.

missJeanLouise

Is it possible to post multiple pictures? Have the main profile pic be chair-free but include at least one with her in it. 

bleve0821

I don't know that she should try to hide it, as in probably not a good idea to go out of her way to make it seem like she is ambulatory (e.g. "enjoys long walks on the beach, running marathons..."), but I'm not sure that when the profile is initially established she should go out of her way to say that she's not ambulatory, either.  I certainly wouldn't post a picture of me standing if my mobility is strictly limited to the chair.  If she can get around without the chair, then maybe post one of her standing with the chair in the background?

This one is tough.  If it were me, I'd be inclined to omit the fact and see how the first few match-ups go.

spockforprez

I did online dating for awhile and honestly the BEST thing about it is the ability to weed out people you are not compatible with before you invest time or energy into meeting them. You're allergic to cats? Bye bye. You smoke? See ya. You answered "yes" to the question "Is there ever a time when someone is obligated to have sex with you?" Go fuck yourself.

So, put it out there. Either in a photo or make a joke about it somewhere on your profile. 

Not that it's the same, but I'm really fat. I didn't want to hide that on my profile or make myself seem thinner than I was. I of course only put up pictures that I felt pretty in, but they were recent and accurate, no "myspace selfies." I listed my body type as "overweight," the least flattering option. That filtered me out of a lot of guys' searches, meaning they didn't waste their time and I didn't waste mine. I attracted several fetishists, but really, they are super easy to spot and block. I also brought it up during messages a couple of times if I thought there was a chance they weren't aware (based on their profile or their responses). Once, the guy somehow missed it and thanked me for letting him know and we wished each other success and moved on.

As a result of this practice, I never had a single bad experience online dating because of my weight. (I had some bad experiences, just not because of that!) Believe me, it is sooooo much better to turn up for a first date with someone that you know already finds you at least somewhat attractive, instead of trying to pretend and turning up and getting humiliated when they leave, or verbalize their shock/distaste, or pretend to have a good time and then ghost you.

If you ONLY post face photos, people know what's up. They know you are trying to hide something. I say post 3-4 photos, one of which includes at least part of your chair, and mention it briefly on your profile, either seriously or in a joking way. Better to have it out in the open and not waste your time and energy on guys who will have a problem with it. And block the devotees!

levioosa

Honestly, I understand.  I have a friend who is wheelchair bound.  She has her FB profile on private, but you can still see her picture.  She gets a ton of requests and messages from people with wheelchair fetishes.  I would probably mention it somewhere on the profile, but not in a main section that would be a quick easy read/picture.  

ShesSoCold

I feel like this one of those things were I can think I'd do this or that, but unless I was in the situation, I have no idea.

I've never online dated and I've never been disabled or even injured, really. But I think I'd avoid putting the wheelchair info in my profile and/or picture, but let people know before we meet in person. Don't you chat with people online for a while before meeting them? I think I'd mention it then.

lembaslover

ShesSoCold said:

I feel like this one of those things were I can think I'd do this or that, but unless I was in the situation, I have no idea.

I've never online dated and I've never been disabled or even injured, really. But I think I'd avoid putting the wheelchair info in my profile and/or picture, but let people know before we meet in person. Don't you chat with people online for a while before meeting them? I think I'd mention it then.

This is what I was thinking I'd do as well. I tried online dating for a quick stint  and I usually emailed or texted with the person a bit before we decided to meet up. I'd probably mention it then and just be honest and say something like "look I know I didn't say this on the profile but I'm in a wheel chair and I left it off the profile because I didn't want to get weird fetish people. If you aren't ok with that I understand and I wish you luck in finding someone." 

While that approach might hurt LW a bit if a lot of people do have a problem with it I feel like it'd be better than just showing up the first date with a wheel chair or having to wade through fetish people.

glasgowtolondon

What was Prudies response on this one @mrs.conn23 ? 

OurWildKingdom

glasgowtolondon said:

What was Prudies response on this one @mrs.conn23 ? 

I'm curious too.

mrsconn23

It’s a tricky path to navigate, avoiding fetishists while also not wasting time on people who would consider your disability a deal-breaker. I spoke with a friend of mine, Krystal, for some specific suggestions:

You should disclose at whatever level you’re most comfortable with, but don’t lie, even by omission. What I have done in the past is post cute but generic waist-up pictures of myself, and mention my wheelchair in the text of my profile. It weeds out people who don’t read your profile, without risking putting your picture out there for creepy fetishists who collect and trade pictures of disabled women (a real thing that happens).

I think this would reflect your desire not to be defined by your disability, but also not to pretend it’s insignificant or unimportant. Hopefully this will help you avoid both in-person rejections and the sort of people who are interested in dating you for the wrong reasons.

MuppetOverlord

When I come on I try to look up threads regarding disabilities because there was nothing for me when I was getting married so I try to put in my 2 cents.

I met my husband online. His online profile noted he was a wheelchair user and there was a photo.  He had difficulty finding dates because of it.  

It took a while for me to accept a date. I asked a lot of questions and did a lot of research on his disability. There was significant upfront honesty between us and that was imperative. For a committed relationship, acceptance of a disability moves beyond commitment to the person. It's also a commitment to their mobility and challenges.

Yes, challenges can be overcome with commitment (and money) and life is typically "business as usual" for us. However, I admit we've had more related challenges than I anticipated over most aspects of our life (home buying, travel, children, chores etc...). Sometimes, I'm thoroughly drained (like when I ugly cried during a $96 cab ride, alone in Vegas, trying to find someone to get his wheelchair repaired while he was stranded at the hotel so we could continue our vacation)

I knew early on that we would have those days together. When we met, I had already opened myself up to a degree of change to what my "normal" would become. I was able to envision what I'd be okay with changing. I don't think we would've lasted long if I hadn't. 

short+sassy

If I were the LW, I would either have the info in my written profile somewhere or mention at some point during the GTKY phase of e-mails/chat/calls that typically happens before people meet.

I am asking this in all honesty and am curious.  Would a wheelchair fetishist guy really be that bad either?  Lots of men and women have lots of preferences.  For example, I'm much shorter than average (5'0"), but a guy who primarily only wanted to date women 5'2" or shorter wouldn't bother me.

Or is it the term fetish, rather than preference, that is the problem?  As in, the fetish guys would ONLY be interested in a sexual relationship, which I'm assuming doesn't appeal to the LW?

Still though, if there are creeper guys with a wheelchair fetish, than I'm sure there are nice guys also who prefer women in wheelchairs for no other creepy reason than "they just do".

MuppetOverlord

short+sassy said:

If I were the LW, I would either have the info in my written profile somewhere or mention at some point during the GTKY phase of e-mails/chat/calls that typically happens before people meet.

I am asking this in all honesty and am curious.  Would a wheelchair fetishist guy really be that bad either?  Lots of men and women have lots of preferences.  For example, I'm much shorter than average (5'0"), but a guy who primarily only wanted to date women 5'2" or shorter wouldn't bother me.

Or is it the term fetish, rather than preference, that is the problem?  As in, the fetish guys would ONLY be interested in a sexual relationship, which I'm assuming doesn't appeal to the LW?

Still though, if there are creeper guys with a wheelchair fetish, than I'm sure there are nice guys also who prefer women in wheelchairs for no other creepy reason than "they just do".

I guess it depends on the situation and the people involved. My husband gets uncomfortable with any type of focus on his disability. It's not something he likes attention about. He would find it disturbing that someone was focused on that about him.  

I don't think it's really the same as liking shorter mates. It's more about someone actively engaging in a relationship for the purpose of being included in their struggle. 

But, if both parties think that's hot: all the power to them.