Plus one invites

[Deleted User]

Hi! 
I know I still have time but I'm sure it'll sneak up on me, so we are starting to finalize our guest list and think about invites. I have one friend who won't know many other people at the wedding so we want to give her a plus one to help her feel more comfortable and have more fun. She is single so this would be a true plus-one-invite-whoever-you-want and not a significant other we would name on the invite. RSVPs will be done via phone, email, or our wedding website and we aren't planning to have mail back RSVP cards. We also aren't planning to have inner envelopes. 

My question, is how do we make sure she knows she gets a plus one? Include a note with the invite that says something along the lines of "you have been invited to bring a plus one"? Call her up and tell her over the phone?  Any suggestions? I'm sure I'm over thinking this and there's a very simple solution....
thank you!

ernursej

That is very considerate of you to extend a plus one. I would just put "Ms./Miss. Jane Smith and Guest" on the front of the invite.

CMGragain

Knottie1459214714 said:

Hi! 
I know I still have time but I'm sure it'll sneak up on me, so we are starting to finalize our guest list and think about invites. I have one friend who won't know many other people at the wedding so we want to give her a plus one to help her feel more comfortable and have more fun. She is single so this would be a true plus-one-invite-whoever-you-want and not a significant other we would name on the invite. RSVPs will be done via phone, email, or our wedding website and we aren't planning to have mail back RSVP cards. We also aren't planning to have inner envelopes. 

My question, is how do we make sure she knows she gets a plus one? Include a note with the invite that says something along the lines of "you have been invited to bring a plus one"? Call her up and tell her over the phone?  Any suggestions? I'm sure I'm over thinking this and there's a very simple solution....
thank you!

This, only call it "a guest", not a "plus one"...and you are correct.  Mail back RSVP cards are not required.

[Deleted User]

Great! I knew it probably wasn't that difficult! That's exactly what I'll do. 

LtPowers

ernursej said:

That is very considerate of you to extend a plus one. I would just put "Ms./Miss. Jane Smith and Guest" on the front of the invite.

Miss Manners considers this rude. A hostess should ask the invited guest for the name (and address) of her escort and then send the escort his or her own invitation.

ernursej

LtPowers said:

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ernursej said:

That is very considerate of you to extend a plus one. I would just put "Ms./Miss. Jane Smith and Guest" on the front of the invite.

Miss Manners considers this rude. A hostess should ask the invited guest for the name (and address) of her escort and then send the escort his or her own invitation.

Interesting. From the responses I've seen on here, a true plus one would not need to be identified ahead of time as the invited guest is welcome to bring anyone they would like. For those in any sort of relationship (as defined by the couple in the relationship), those are significant others and must be named. I'm sure @CMGragain can weigh in on this. I've also never heard of sending separate invitations to the individuals (significant other or plus one).

Edited for clarity.

[Deleted User]

LtPowers said:

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ernursej said:

That is very considerate of you to extend a plus one. I would just put "Ms./Miss. Jane Smith and Guest" on the front of the invite.

Miss Manners considers this rude. A hostess should ask the invited guest for the name (and address) of her escort and then send the escort his or her own invitation.

I am going to go @CMGragain's suggestion and include a note. It seems a bit weird to me to put "and guest" on the outside of the envelope since that is the mailing information for the post office. 

And @LtPowers if she gets a boyfriend between now and the time I mail the invites I will definitely include him by name. However, etiquette is meant to show consideration to your guests and what you wrote may be traditional etiquette. However, I am going to ignore it in this case as it would be more inconsiderate to force her to decide who she wants to bring that far in advance. I am perfectly happy if she doesn't decide who her guest is until the day of, regardless of who it is. Considering she will have to take a ferry and spend the night, I am assuming she will bring whichever friend who happens to be available that weekend and would like to spend some time in the city. This might be decided in advance but it could end up being a game day decision and I have no reason to force her to figure it out ahead of time. 

Edit: to clarify one of my sentences. 

CMGragain

I sent separate invitations to couples who were not living together for daughter's wedding.  The inside note also works, and gives the recipient the choiceof whom to bring with them.  I would never write "and Guest" on the envelope.

ernursej

Thanks @CMGragain. I'll change one of my invitations to two as the couple do have separate residences even though they spend most of the time at one of the residences.

LtPowers

ernursej said:

From the responses I've seen on here, a true plus one would not need to be identified ahead of time as the invited guest is welcome to bring anyone they would like.

Miss Manners is a bit more strict on this than the forum regulars would care for, as well as on the determination of who constitutes a social unit for invitation purposes.

I personally prefer Miss Manners' advice, but your mileage my vary.

MyNameIsNot

LtPowers said:

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ernursej said:

From the responses I've seen on here, a true plus one would not need to be identified ahead of time as the invited guest is welcome to bring anyone they would like.

Miss Manners is a bit more strict on this than the forum regulars would care for, as well as on the determination of who constitutes a social unit for invitation purposes.

I personally prefer Miss Manners' advice, but your mileage my vary.

Considering that most single guests would prefer not to have to select an escort 6-8 weeks in advance (and be left to travel alone if the escort has a schedule conflict), I would defer to that option.

Etiquette, afterall, is primarily about the comfort of guests. 

LtPowers

MyNameIsNot said:

Considering that most single guests would prefer not to have to select an escort 6-8 weeks in advance (and be left to travel alone if the escort has a schedule conflict), I would defer to that option.

Etiquette, afterall, is primarily about the comfort of guests. 

Indeed, but that is Miss Manners' concern as well.

We send invitations 6-8 weeks in advance because it's important that guests have time to plan. That doesn't apply any less to a guest's escort. They deserve sufficient notice as much as anyone else does. They also deserve a personal invitation, by name.

And Miss Manners also points out the risks involved with allowing an unknown invitee. Certainly it requires a bit of trust on the hosts' part that their guests will choose wisely, but knowing the identity of all invitees in advance allows potential problems to be headed off.

ernursej

LtPowers said:

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MyNameIsNot said:

Considering that most single guests would prefer not to have to select an escort 6-8 weeks in advance (and be left to travel alone if the escort has a schedule conflict), I would defer to that option.

Etiquette, afterall, is primarily about the comfort of guests. 

Indeed, but that is Miss Manners' concern as well.

We send invitations 6-8 weeks in advance because it's important that guests have time to plan. That doesn't apply any less to a guest's escort. They deserve sufficient notice as much as anyone else does. They also deserve a personal invitation, by name.

And Miss Manners also points out the risks involved with allowing an unknown invitee. Certainly it requires a bit of trust on the hosts' part that their guests will choose wisely, but knowing the identity of all invitees in advance allows potential problems to be headed off.

So Miss Manners would be fine with saying no to a plus one (guest) that didn't meet approval? What constitutes approval?  We don't ask for background checks so I'm not sure what potential problems would need to be avoided?

levioosa

LtPowers said:

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ernursej said:

That is very considerate of you to extend a plus one. I would just put "Ms./Miss. Jane Smith and Guest" on the front of the invite.

Miss Manners considers this rude. A hostess should ask the invited guest for the name (and address) of her escort and then send the escort his or her own invitation.

Oh god, not this again.  We already beat this horse to death months ago.  It is far more inconvenient to the guest to ask them 8 weeks in advance for their plus one's name. 

LtPowers

ernursej said:

So Miss Manners would be fine with saying no to a plus one (guest) that didn't meet approval? What constitutes approval?  We don't ask for background checks so I'm not sure what potential problems would need to be avoided?

I may have phrased that poorly.

Miss Manners writes:

Hosts may exercise control over whom they invite to their parties. Yes, the serious partners of one's friends should be included--because of that tie, they must be considered one`s own potential friends--but one should take the trouble to find out who they are and invite them by name. This goes for any social event, but it goes double for anything as momentous and personal as a wedding.

But hosts who elect to give up this control by asking their guests to invite their own guests must gracefully put up with their guests' choices. An "escort" is not necessarily a male, and a "guest" is anyone invited by a host, even by one who has been deputized by the real host to select one guest.

I'm certain I've read her explanation of the pitfalls of opening up one's guest list to all and sundry, but I cannot track it down at the moment.

wink0erin

In this case I think Miss Manners is full of crap. If the point of etiquette is to be kind to your guests, it's far easier on a single guest to not have to commit a name two months out.

For example, before BF was my BF he was invited to a wedding with a plus one. We met a couple weeks before said wedding. I ended up being his plus one for that wedding. We had a blast. 

The only pitfalls I can imagine can be completely avoided by people acting like adults. 

[Deleted User]

LtPowers said:

show previous quotes

ernursej said:

So Miss Manners would be fine with saying no to a plus one (guest) that didn't meet approval? What constitutes approval?  We don't ask for background checks so I'm not sure what potential problems would need to be avoided?

I may have phrased that poorly.

Miss Manners writes:

show previous quotes

Hosts may exercise control over whom they invite to their parties. Yes, the serious partners of one's friends should be included--because of that tie, they must be considered one`s own potential friends--but one should take the trouble to find out who they are and invite them by name. This goes for any social event, but it goes double for anything as momentous and personal as a wedding.

But hosts who elect to give up this control by asking their guests to invite their own guests must gracefully put up with their guests' choices. An "escort" is not necessarily a male, and a "guest" is anyone invited by a host, even by one who has been deputized by the real host to select one guest.

I'm certain I've read her explanation of the pitfalls of opening up one's guest list to all and sundry, but I cannot track it down at the moment.

I'm sorry my question sparked such a debate!

I find the bolded to be pretty funny. She's saying this like it's a bad thing. I'm about 80% sure that my friend will bring a female friend. Why would I care if the person is male or not? 

But as for the potential "issues" associated with inviting an unknown guest, wouldn't a cousins brand new boyfriend I've never met be in the same boat, in terms of "potential issues"? They are both people I don't know ahead of time and if my cousin says that this guy is her boyfriend, I must "gracefully put up" with her choice of significant other.  

I fail to see why miss manners' etiquette matters in this case. 

ernursej

Ironring said:

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LtPowers said:

ernursej said:

So Miss Manners would be fine with saying no to a plus one (guest) that didn't meet approval? What constitutes approval?  We don't ask for background checks so I'm not sure what potential problems would need to be avoided?

I may have phrased that poorly.

Miss Manners writes:

Hosts may exercise control over whom they invite to their parties. Yes, the serious partners of one's friends should be included--because of that tie, they must be considered one`s own potential friends--but one should take the trouble to find out who they are and invite them by name. This goes for any social event, but it goes double for anything as momentous and personal as a wedding.

But hosts who elect to give up this control by asking their guests to invite their own guests must gracefully put up with their guests' choices. An "escort" is not necessarily a male, and a "guest" is anyone invited by a host, even by one who has been deputized by the real host to select one guest.

I'm certain I've read her explanation of the pitfalls of opening up one's guest list to all and sundry, but I cannot track it down at the moment.

I'm sorry my question sparked such a debate!

I find the bolded to be pretty funny. She's saying this like it's a bad thing. I'm about 80% sure that my friend will bring a female friend. Why would I care if the person is male or not? 

But as for the potential "issues" associated with inviting an unknown guest, wouldn't a cousins brand new boyfriend I've never met be in the same boat, in terms of "potential issues"? They are both people I don't know ahead of time and if my cousin says that this guy is her boyfriend, I must "gracefully put up" with her choice of significant other.  

I fail to see why miss manners' etiquette matters in this case. 

Your question is fine. I think Miss Manners needs a bit of tweak considering she talks about "serious" SOs and we are saying that an SO is an SO ... as determined by the couple in the relationship.

MyNameIsNot

Ironring said:

show previous quotes

LtPowers said:

ernursej said:

So Miss Manners would be fine with saying no to a plus one (guest) that didn't meet approval? What constitutes approval?  We don't ask for background checks so I'm not sure what potential problems would need to be avoided?

I may have phrased that poorly.

Miss Manners writes:

Hosts may exercise control over whom they invite to their parties. Yes, the serious partners of one's friends should be included--because of that tie, they must be considered one`s own potential friends--but one should take the trouble to find out who they are and invite them by name. This goes for any social event, but it goes double for anything as momentous and personal as a wedding.

But hosts who elect to give up this control by asking their guests to invite their own guests must gracefully put up with their guests' choices. An "escort" is not necessarily a male, and a "guest" is anyone invited by a host, even by one who has been deputized by the real host to select one guest.

I'm certain I've read her explanation of the pitfalls of opening up one's guest list to all and sundry, but I cannot track it down at the moment.

I'm sorry my question sparked such a debate!

I find the bolded to be pretty funny. She's saying this like it's a bad thing. I'm about 80% sure that my friend will bring a female friend. Why would I care if the person is male or not? 

But as for the potential "issues" associated with inviting an unknown guest, wouldn't a cousins brand new boyfriend I've never met be in the same boat, in terms of "potential issues"? They are both people I don't know ahead of time and if my cousin says that this guy is her boyfriend, I must "gracefully put up" with her choice of significant other.  

I fail to see why miss manners' etiquette matters in this case. 

The issue with the unknown comes up more with friends. Say you invited most friends from a particular friend group, but decided not to invite the guy who takes his pants off at BBQs. Some of your friends think he's hilarious, but you can't stand him. If you extend plus ones to the singles in that group, you're stuck when someone decided that he's your friend too and brings him as their plus one. 

But you head this off by not extending plus ones to singles who might bring this dufus, not by making people commit to a date 2 months in advance. 

LtPowers

ernursej said:

Your question is fine. I think Miss Manners needs a bit of tweak considering she talks about "serious" SOs and we are saying that an SO is an SO ... as determined by the couple in the relationship.

If the couple requests to be invited together to social events, Miss Manners would consider that a serious relationship.

LtPowers

MyNameIsNot said:

But you head this off by not extending plus ones to singles who might bring this dufus, not by making people commit to a date 2 months in advance. 

I don't understand what you mean. No one is committed to a particular date until he or she responds to the invitation for that date. It doesn't have to be 2 months in advance.

[Deleted User]

LtPowers said:

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MyNameIsNot said:

But you head this off by not extending plus ones to singles who might bring this dufus, not by making people commit to a date 2 months in advance. 

I don't understand what you mean. No one is committed to a particular date until he or she responds to the invitation for that date. It doesn't have to be 2 months in advance.

She meant "date" as in the person you plan to bring with you, not a day of the year. If "proper" etiquette states that you shouldn't invite "and guest" but should instead find out who your friend is planning on bringing to the wedding and put their name on the invite, that means your friend is forced to commit to who their date/guest is before invitations go out, so 6-8 weeks in advance. 

[Deleted User]

LtPowers said:

show previous quotes

ernursej said:

Your question is fine. I think Miss Manners needs a bit of tweak considering she talks about "serious" SOs and we are saying that an SO is an SO ... as determined by the couple in the relationship.

If the couple requests to be invited together to social events, Miss Manners would consider that a serious relationship.

Requesting to be invited together shouldn't be the prerequisite, since many people wouldn't be that bold and you shouldn't put your guests in that position. You should be able to ask the people on your invite list of they have a significant other prior to sending invitations and go from there. 

I guess you could define "serious" as "your friend will say yes when asked if they have a SO." 

LtPowers

Ironring said:

Requesting to be invited together shouldn't be the prerequisite, since many people wouldn't be that bold and you shouldn't put your guests in that position. You should be able to ask the people on your invite list of they have a significant other prior to sending invitations and go from there. 

I guess you could define "serious" as "your friend will say yes when asked if they have a SO." 

Of course the request can come at the prompting of the hosts. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. I could have said "If the couple prefers to be invited together to social events, Miss Manners would consider that a serious relationship."

LtPowers

Ironring said:

She meant "date" as in the person you plan to bring with you, not a day of the year. If "proper" etiquette states that you shouldn't invite "and guest" but should instead find out who your friend is planning on bringing to the wedding and put their name on the invite, that means your friend is forced to commit to who their date/guest is before invitations go out, so 6-8 weeks in advance. 

Not necessarily. If the guest's guest is happy with short notice, the invitation can go out much later than 6-8 weeks in advance of the wedding.

So at, say, 10 weeks, you call up the guest and say "Petunia, I do hope you'll be able to come to my wedding. I'll be sending your invitation soon, but I wanted to know if there was anyone special in your life I should invite as well."

Presuming she says "no", you may proceed to send an invitation to Petunia, including within it a note that says "Petunia, I know you won't know many people there. If you'd like to bring a friend, you are more than welcome to. Once you decide who you'd like to bring, just let me know his or her name so I can send him or her an invitation."

Once Petunia gets back to you with a "accepts with pleasure" and a note explaining who she'd like to accompany her, you can send the invitation to her friend.

Is it more complicated? Yes. But it is essential if one is to treat your guest's friend as an actual guest and not just an accessory.