Invite question

[Deleted User]

I work part time as a nanny for a lovely family.  The youngest is one of my flower girls.  When we made the guest list their grandma wasn't living with them, but now she's been "visiting" them since January, and doesn't seem to have any plans of leaving.  My days are spent helping her navigate the local real estate websites, and answering weirdly specific housing questions which I invariably answer with, "I don't know, you need to ask a realtor."

I feel uncomfortable NOT including her, but FI is completely against it.  The reason being, in my shortsightedness of not anticipating her being with them for 7+ months, I've been complaining about her.  Nothing too bad, and mostly anecdotal.  Like the time she decided someone's shoes smelled in the front hall, proceeded to smell EVERYONE'S shoes (making a huge stink about it, proclaiming how it was making her nauseous), and then put the offending pair outside in the rain.  We butt heads because I'm laid back and she's pretty high strung.  She's nice to me, and I see her more often than the parents (I just leave when all the kids are sorted out, so I go months without seeing them), but I also feel like there's too many chefs in the kitchen.

At this point I feel weird and uncomfortable not inviting her.  FI suggested we just address the invitation as "Family Jones" instead of writing out everyone's names and see how they respond.

Hill to die on and push back on "no g-ma!" policy?
Don't invite her?
Total etiquette blunder and say "Family Jones"?

ALSO, totally off topic, but did anyone else feel awkward about touching base with some of their single guests to ask if there was anyone they were dating who should also be included on the invite?

holyguacamole79

I say include grandma, especially if you're going to continue working with this family.  You'll hardly notice her at the wedding. 

kvruns

include her since it seems like she's part of the family now and you regularly interact with her. You don't have to include her, but I'd do it if I planned on working with this family for a while. Most people have complained about someone who ended up at their wedding, it shouldn't be a big deal.

[Deleted User]

This was my instinct.  I think I'll try again when FI is in a better mood....

Or.... I just have their response cards sent to my parents address.........

holyguacamole79

Spoonsey said:

This was my instinct.  I think I'll try again when FI is in a better mood....

Or.... I just have their response cards sent to my parents address.........

I wouldn't try to side step this by sending the response card to your parents.  If she accepts, you're FI may find out for the first time at the wedding and be upset.  Talk this out with him now and let him know why you're inviting her. 

[Deleted User]

Yeah, I know.  He's just stubborn about weird things sometimes.  I'll revisit the conversation when I have the energy.

[Deleted User]

He's just hell bent on me addressing it "Family Jones" and doesn't care if it's against etiquette.

OurWildKingdom

Spoonsey said:

He's just hell bent on me addressing it "Family Jones" and doesn't care if it's against etiquette.

Then you have to be the one to practice good etiquette and model it for him. It sucks to be the bigger person.

Slightly O/T, but there may be a reason why Grandma is acting the way she is. She may just not be able to help it for one reason or another. Tell your FI this and that he can deal for a day.

[Deleted User]

OurWildKingdom said:

Spoonsey said:

He's just hell bent on me addressing it "Family Jones" and doesn't care if it's against etiquette.

Then you have to be the one to practice good etiquette and model it for him. It sucks to be the bigger person.

Slightly O/T, but there may be a reason why Grandma is acting the way she is. She may just not be able to help it for one reason or another. Tell your FI this and that he can deal for a day.

Be the bigger person how, exactly?

Grandma is from an Asian culture, and the kids are definitely not being raised with the strictness she would like.  There's some language barrier, as well.

OurWildKingdom

What I meant was that you follow etiquette in addressing the invitation and invite Grandma (or not, but that's your decision first).

ETA: Your explanation makes a lot of sense. 

ETA x 2: If I came across as too blunt, I apologize. 

holyguacamole79

Spoonsey said:

He's just hell bent on me addressing it "Family Jones" and doesn't care if it's against etiquette.

It's not totally against etiquette, but it can easily be misinterpreted.  If you address the invite to Smith family and only intending to invite mom, dad, and 2 kids .... you may end up with an uncle (since he is a Smith).

MyNameIsNot

It's your work/circle. You get to make the decision. Ask your FI how he would feel if you started deciding which of his friends/family/coworkers would be invited. He doesn't even need to meet grandma, but he doesn't get to veto your decision to invite her.

Putting "The Jones Family" makes you look lazy and solves nothing. Addressing an invitation that way will just encourage them to ask you to clarify. Wouldn't you rather make a decision now than be put on the spot and have to answer immediately?  It's not like you could put them off and tell them you'd get back to them. Also, considering you see grandma most frequently, she'd probably be the one asking. Don't put yourself in that position. 

[Deleted User]

I am both amused and irritated with the ferocity he wants this frickin envelope addressed.  I thought I made some solid arguments: this is my work life and it could make my days uncomfortable, I see her everyday, it could make them wonder why I'm excluding her.  I told him that we had talked at length how best to invite his colleagues, and he ultimately had had the final say (except SOs, because he didn't want to invite them).  We made decisions based on his work culture and took care not to offend anyone, and he ultimately had the final decision.

Then when I finished he just said that they're not going to care if the envelope is addressed to their family, and if they have questions then they'll ask.  There's no such thing about etiquette rules, he said, no ones going to notice or care.  And then I laughed because I realized he didn't even respond *in the slightest* to grandma actually being invited.

@OurWildKingdom no, you weren't too blunt, I just genuinely didn't know what being the bigger person meant in this circumstance.

@MyNameisNot he said if they assume she can come and RSVP for her, then that's fine, and if they tell me she's coming (or indicate she'd *like* to come then that's also fine.). He's hoping they have "the good sense to know she's not part of my 'work family'".

Honestly, if they just ask then I'll them them it includes everyone, because I won't give the impression she's not wanted.  Maybe she won't even be here, she sometimes leaves for weeks at a time to NYC.

At this point if this isn't a hill to die on then I'm not going to go behind his back and address the invites properly.  I could put "Jones-Smith" Household (mom doesn't have the same last name) to indicate a little better that it doesn't just mean every Smith under the sun.  I have met the paternal grandparents as well, and see them occasionally, so I don't want it misconstrued.

ILoveBeachMusic

Spoonsey said:

I am both amused and irritated with the ferocity he wants this frickin envelope addressed.  I thought I made some solid arguments: this is my work life and it could make my days uncomfortable, I see her everyday, it could make them wonder why I'm excluding her.  I told him that we had talked at length how best to invite his colleagues, and he ultimately had had the final say (except SOs, because he didn't want to invite them).  We made decisions based on his work culture and took care not to offend anyone, and he ultimately had the final decision.

Then when I finished he just said that they're not going to care if the envelope is addressed to their family, and if they have questions then they'll ask.  There's no such thing about etiquette rules, he said, no ones going to notice or care.  And then I laughed because I realized he didn't even respond *in the slightest* to grandma actually being invited.

@OurWildKingdom no, you weren't too blunt, I just genuinely didn't know what being the bigger person meant in this circumstance.

@MyNameisNot he said if they assume she can come and RSVP for her, then that's fine, and if they tell me she's coming (or indicate she'd *like* to come then that's also fine.). He's hoping they have "the good sense to know she's not part of my 'work family'".

Honestly, if they just ask then I'll them them it includes everyone, because I won't give the impression she's not wanted.  Maybe she won't even be here, she sometimes leaves for weeks at a time to NYC.

At this point if this isn't a hill to die on then I'm not going to go behind his back and address the invites properly.  I could put "Jones-Smith" Household (mom doesn't have the same last name) to indicate a little better that it doesn't just mean every Smith under the sun.  I have met the paternal grandparents as well, and see them occasionally, so I don't want it misconstrued.

The bolded is why you put the specific names on the invite. I would stick to my guns about inviting Grandma by name if that is what you want to do.

banana468

Are you also saying that you're not inviting SOs of coworkers?   Your FI isn't coming off as all that fabulous right now. 

STARMOON44

Spoonsey said:

I am both amused and irritated with the ferocity he wants this frickin envelope addressed.  I thought I made some solid arguments: this is my work life and it could make my days uncomfortable, I see her everyday, it could make them wonder why I'm excluding her.  I told him that we had talked at length how best to invite his colleagues, and he ultimately had had the final say (except SOs, because he didn't want to invite them).  We made decisions based on his work culture and took care not to offend anyone, and he ultimately had the final decision.

Then when I finished he just said that they're not going to care if the envelope is addressed to their family, and if they have questions then they'll ask.  There's no such thing about etiquette rules, he said, no ones going to notice or care.  And then I laughed because I realized he didn't even respond *in the slightest* to grandma actually being invited.

@OurWildKingdom no, you weren't too blunt, I just genuinely didn't know what being the bigger person meant in this circumstance.

@MyNameisNot he said if they assume she can come and RSVP for her, then that's fine, and if they tell me she's coming (or indicate she'd *like* to come then that's also fine.). He's hoping they have "the good sense to know she's not part of my 'work family'".

Honestly, if they just ask then I'll them them it includes everyone, because I won't give the impression she's not wanted.  Maybe she won't even be here, she sometimes leaves for weeks at a time to NYC.

At this point if this isn't a hill to die on then I'm not going to go behind his back and address the invites properly.  I could put "Jones-Smith" Household (mom doesn't have the same last name) to indicate a little better that it doesn't just mean every Smith under the sun.  I have met the paternal grandparents as well, and see them occasionally, so I don't want it misconstrued.

I certainly would not list the Smith household if the mother is not a Smith. That's not her name and it is extremely rude. 

[Deleted User]

@banana468 we are inviting all SOs at my insistence.  We're getting married in FI's country and he was certain that SOs don't need an invite per his cultural etiquette -- I found evidence online to (weakly) support this assertion, but I told him the more the merrier, and he dropped it.

@STARMOON44 Jones Smith household, as in dad is Jones and mom is Smith.

@ILoveBeachMusic yeah, I feel pretty stuck at the moment.  FI isn't budging, and I just don't know if it's worth it to keep arguing.  

STARMOON44

This is your boss. Address the invite properly, mail it out, and tell him he's being a jerk and he doesn't get to decide how you manage your work life when it's sent. I can't believe you're even dignifying this with an argument. 

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

This is your boss. Address the invite properly, mail it out, and tell him he's being a jerk and he doesn't get to decide how you manage your work life when it's sent. I can't believe you're even dignifying this with an argument. 

That's my point here.  Your FI is coming off as really controlling and these are your employers.   How you handle your business arrangement should be up to you.

That he's telling you how to address the envelope makes him sound like the rear end of a horse. 

[Deleted User]

Yeah, he is sounding that way, I know.  This isn't the norm, which is partly why I'm so lost.

Anyways, I told him I wasn't going to send an ambiguous invite.  That whatever we send will indicate exactly who is invited.  If I think it's absolutely necessary for her to come, then she'll be sent her own invitation, and I didn't want to discuss it anymore.

Now just to clear my head and take a few days from this ridiculousness.