Wedding Party

MOH/FSIL Issues

Apologies in advance for a rant.

My fiance and I were engaged in October after 7 months of living together, and 1.5 years of being together. At the time his sister and I were EXTREMELY close. Post engagement, there seemed to be some kind of a shift - it all started when fiance & I left a family party earlier than FSIL deemed acceptable. He and I both received emails where she stated how unfair we were to her, how we should always consider her needs, and that she found this to be completely unacceptable and stated that we need to correct this in the future (and mentioned to him that he needed to spend less time with me and commit to at least one day/wk for a "sibling date"). I responded back, apologizing for hurting her feelings, but also stated that at that point, fiance and I had been at the family event for 8 hours, and that there needed to be mutual respect of one another's time. 

I thought that had cleared the air, I even brought her and FMIL to try on wedding dresses along with my mom, where FSIL proceeded to show my mother pictures of the dress she had worn during her wedding (5 years ago) throughout the entire hour I was at the bridal salon. Every time someone asked fiance & I about our wedding, she would cut us off and talk about her wedding, monopolizing the conversation.

During this time, she also informed me that if she was pregnant during our wedding, no one on her side of the family would care about the wedding, because everyone would be focused on her and she can't wait for all of that attention.

On NYE, she accidentally (drunk) sent me a text about me that she had meant to send to someone else, where she referred to me as a "contrived bitch" who was taking her brother from her.  

She and I ended up sitting down and again, I thought cleared the air as best as possible and was hopeful that we could move on, but nothing has been the same since. 

In her credit, she IS planning the bachelorette/bridal shower, but that is as far as she's going with MOH duties.

She sends texts about potential wedding day disasters, does not ask to help with anything or even ask how progress with the wedding is going, and makes snide comments to me whenever possible.

She's also now pregnant and will be 7 months pregnant at our wedding (and made another comment about how she will try "not to steal the spotlight" with her baby bump). 

What do I do? I feel like I keep getting beat up by her, she is not supportive, and while I am so appreciative that she's planning the bridal events, I feel like it's more done to check a box versus actually caring.

I don't feel comfortable with her making a MOH speech, and am just so depressed over the fact that I made her MOH, a category that I really put a lot of weight into (I know it is my own fault in that regard - I should have waited longer). 

Re: MOH/FSIL Issues

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Why did you ask her to be MOH to begin with? It doesn't sound like you were ever that close, and given how she keeps trying to monopolize everything to be all about her, I would not have asked her to stand up on my side of the wedding party.  But since you have, you're stuck with that.

    What you can do is go around her and let everyone else in your family know what you need without going through her. And stop letting her plan bridal events for you. If she offers to do it again, tell her, "No, thank you." Don't make excuses or give explanations for why you're turning her down. 

    And if she inserts herself into anything else that you have planned, have your FI take her aside and tell her to stop it. If he's not there, then you do it: "FSIL, this isn't the occasion for that. Please save it for another time."
    bohobride10
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    Exactly what @TrixieJess said. Every word. 
    Stop going through her for wedding stuff. Leave her out of it. Refuse any future offers of hosting/planning bridal events.

    You can't ask her to step down as MOH, that would be disastrous. But you can hope that she doesn't offer to give a toast...and maybe lead a best friend through the details and maybe that good friend will offer to give a speech instead? Perhaps it's possible to politely refuse her offer of giving a toast (if she does offer)?

    Either way, just remember her behavior doesn't really reflect on you, it reflects only on her. So if she comes off as a self-centered brat at your wedding...it doesn't really affect anyone or anything, except perhaps people's opinions of her.


    k thnx bye

    OurWildKingdomernursejSP29short+sassy
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Apologies in advance for a rant.

    My fiance and I were engaged in October after 7 months of living together, and 1.5 years of being together. At the time his sister and I were EXTREMELY close. Post engagement, there seemed to be some kind of a shift - it all started when fiance & I left a family party earlier than FSIL deemed acceptable. He and I both received emails where she stated how unfair we were to her, how we should always consider her needs, and that she found this to be completely unacceptable and stated that we need to correct this in the future (and mentioned to him that he needed to spend less time with me and commit to at least one day/wk for a "sibling date"). I responded back, apologizing for hurting her feelings, but also stated that at that point, fiance and I had been at the family event for 8 hours, and that there needed to be mutual respect of one another's time. 

    I thought that had cleared the air, I even brought her and FMIL to try on wedding dresses along with my mom, where FSIL proceeded to show my mother pictures of the dress she had worn during her wedding (5 years ago) throughout the entire hour I was at the bridal salon. Every time someone asked fiance & I about our wedding, she would cut us off and talk about her wedding, monopolizing the conversation.

    During this time, she also informed me that if she was pregnant during our wedding, no one on her side of the family would care about the wedding, because everyone would be focused on her and she can't wait for all of that attention.

    On NYE, she accidentally (drunk) sent me a text about me that she had meant to send to someone else, where she referred to me as a "contrived bitch" who was taking her brother from her.  

    She and I ended up sitting down and again, I thought cleared the air as best as possible and was hopeful that we could move on, but nothing has been the same since. 

    In her credit, she IS planning the bachelorette/bridal shower, but that is as far as she's going with MOH duties.

    She sends texts about potential wedding day disasters, does not ask to help with anything or even ask how progress with the wedding is going, and makes snide comments to me whenever possible.

    She's also now pregnant and will be 7 months pregnant at our wedding (and made another comment about how she will try "not to steal the spotlight" with her baby bump). 

    What do I do? I feel like I keep getting beat up by her, she is not supportive, and while I am so appreciative that she's planning the bridal events, I feel like it's more done to check a box versus actually caring.

    I don't feel comfortable with her making a MOH speech, and am just so depressed over the fact that I made her MOH, a category that I really put a lot of weight into (I know it is my own fault in that regard - I should have waited longer). 
    JIC.



    bohobride10
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There are no such thing as MOH/BM duties. The only thing your WP is required to do is show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire.  That's it.

    Let this go.  It's not worth the drama that will happen if you kick her out.  If she continues to act out, it should be your FI who responds to her, not you.  Did he stand up to her before?  Because if he didn't, that is some bullshit and a huge red flag.  

    It doesn't matter if she's pregnant.  It's not going to steal the spotlight (and, seriously?).  Stop talking to her about wedding related things, convey only "need to know" details, and accept that your relationship is not going to be close.  Then let it go. 


    image
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensOliveOilsMomKnottie1452098987
  • Will work on being more "zen" - appreciate the insight and just reminder to let it go and try to work with the others in the WP to be more stable. 

    Had always thought that the MOH was the one who should plan the bach/bridal events, come to fittings, give the toast, etc. so knowing those are not requirements do actually give MAJOR piece of mind. I also think her expectation (via comments) is that MOH is REQUIRED to give a toast, so I will politely decline her offer and tell her it's not necessary. 

    Will adopt the "you do you, boo boo" kind of mentality now and will stop sharing with her ANYTHING about the events. 

    Thank you all for the support - this is literally the only component of the wedding prep that has given me anxiety... the fact that it's family (albeit not mine, but still) just adds in an added layer of complexity and the shift of she and I going from hanging out regularly and being actual friends to now this total 180 has been tough to deal with. 

    5 months out, mindset will change (will take some "mind training" but so worth it). 
    Anyone can offer to throw these parties for you. You can also decline any parties that you don't want or you feel would be inconvenient. No one is obliged to come to fittings and anyone can give a toast. 

    Good luck! Don't be a doormat, just establish firm boundaries and remember that "no" is not a four letter word.
    OurWildKingdomSP29LivingtheDream
  • Ditto PP.  Boundaries need to be set with this woman.  She seems very jealous that you are "stealing" her brother away from her.  Why else would she want these weekly dates? 

    In addition to giving your photographer a heads up, give your DJ a heads up that MOH is NOT to get the microphone.  She mentions the toast, just say "Thank you for the offer, but we are only have a BM toast."  Then change the subject.  That will really be the best thing for you, to always change the subject from the wedding.  If it comes to it, just get up and leave the conversation if she won't give it up.

    It might also be necessary for your FI to have a conversation with her.  If there comes a time when there is another issue, FI should go in there and say "Sister, for some reason the close relationship you once had with Knottie#s seems to have shifted.  I don't know the reason, but you need to treat her cordially.  She is going to be my wife and I will not put up with the way you treat her currently." 


    Love these ideas - I truly do! I just emailed my photographer to give a heads up. I definitely feel like I can breathe more regarding this - and will be contacting the DJ (believe it or not, FI already reached out to our videographer for the same exact reason, I just found that out). 

    The situation is bizarre to me - I have a brother and would be THRILLED for him to get engaged! The possessiveness is strange, but perhaps a(nother - this has been brought up before) conversation from FI to FSIL will at least let it be known that we are all aware of what's going on and it needs to stop, especially the closer we get to the wedding date.  
    OurWildKingdomSP29LivingtheDream
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Just wanted to chime in to say... wow. I'm sorry you experienced this two-facedness. That really sucks that someone would go from being your friend to being someone out to steal her brother. It's just so.... ick. Good luck! 
    ________________________________


    bohobride10JediElizabethMesmrEweLivingtheDream
  • Just wanted to chime in to say... wow. I'm sorry you experienced this two-facedness. That really sucks that someone would go from being your friend to being someone out to steal her brother. It's just so.... ick. Good luck! 
    Thank you! I really do appreciate that - I try to be self aware and make sure that I'm not being dramatic, but I really do appreciate the support, so very much. 
    LivingtheDream
  • I am really glad to see you are feeling better and have a good outlook on things.  There are a lot of smart ladies here - stick around!!
    bohobride10kimmiinthemitten
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited May 2016
    CMGragain said:
    If your FSIL misbehaves at your wedding, it will reflect badly on her -not on you.  She is responsible for her own behavior and you cannot control it.  You are responsible for your own behavior, and this you can control!  Hold your head up and smile.  People will think you are a wonderful bride to put up with her, and she will look like an ass.  (It worked at my wedding.)
    While it's true that she can't control the ass, only her own reaction, "hold your head up and smile" does not work when the ass is embarrassing and/or hurting other people.

    Unfortunately, most people don't think brides holding up their heads and smiling at other relatives making asses of themselves are wonderful people to put up with them. They're embarrassed for them and pity them. Nobody wants that any more than they want the ass relatives' behavior.

    And unfortunately, despite all the "it reflects badly on them, not you," too many people remember only the asses and not the beautifully dressed and behaved people-and they associate the asses with the couple, so the asses' bad behavior does reflect on them regardless of how high they hold up their heads. And smiling can give the impression that the smiler condones or endorses the asses' bad behavior.


    OurWildKingdomzitiqueen
  • It sounds like FSIL is afraid of you stealing her thunder... 

    She's pregnant which adds a whole different component, and a few things just to "keep in the back of your mind" because of the personality you're already dealing with... 1) If at all possible, be flexible with her for her dress - bonus points if you give her a color and let her figure it out on her own (David's has dresses that you can purchase off the rack as do many bridal salons - the closer to the date she purchases the better as it'll help curb some of the alterations cost).  2) Her body is going through huge changes, and hormones can run a number (she's growing a person - it's one of the biggest hormonal changes a body can go through)..  3) Around 7mo is when the end of pregnancy exhaustion can start to creep in for some women, be understanding!  She will know her limits, let her decide them.  4) Your wedding is not her priority right now, getting ready for becoming a parent is as well as wanting to spend more time with her Brother.  It's o.k. - only you are responsible for planning your wedding with FI, if she comes along to different things, great, but don't expect it.  5) FI needs to be the one addressing some of these elephants in the room, not you!  Just because you think you "cleared the air" doesn't mean squat as "The meaning of your communication is the result you get" - and it appears you didn't get the result you thought you did when the roles are reversed.  Sometimes it's best to just allow a sleeping dog to lie with these issues instead of responding. 

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    OurWildKingdombohobrideCAshort+sassy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    CMGragain said:
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    If your FSIL misbehaves at your wedding, it will reflect badly on her -not on you.  She is responsible for her own behavior and you cannot control it.  You are responsible for your own behavior, and this you can control!  Hold your head up and smile.  People will think you are a wonderful bride to put up with her, and she will look like an ass.  (It worked at my wedding.)
    While it's true that she can't control the ass, only her own reaction, "hold your head up and smile" does not work when the ass is embarrassing and/or hurting other people.

    Unfortunately, most people don't think brides holding up their heads and smiling at other relatives making asses of themselves are wonderful people to put up with them. They're embarrassed for them and pity them. Nobody wants that any more than they want the ass relatives' behavior.

    And unfortunately, despite all the "it reflects badly on them, not you," too many people remember only the asses and not the beautifully dressed and behaved people-and they associate the asses with the couple, so the asses' bad behavior does reflect on them regardless of how high they hold up their heads. And smiling can give the impression that the smiler condones or endorses the asses' bad behavior.


    So what is your alternative?  Cry and make a scene? 
    There was nothing I could do about my MIL's behavior at my wedding, but everybody knew she was a flake, and I got a lot of sympathy by keeping my dignity and ignoring her.
    You may not have been able to do anything at your wedding, but that doesn't mean everyone else with asshole relatives is in the same situation.

    Ignoring assholes is one thing, but nobody should have to smile about it. A smile might just encourage more of the same crap.  And depending on the circumstances, if there's someone who can tell them to stop it, or they can be asked to leave or escorted away by security, those might be appropriate courses of action as well.

    In the OP's case, her FI saying something to his sister should be appropriate. And if necessary, even the OP can tell her to knock it off.
    particuliersylphe
  • I hesitate to ask OP - has anyone offered to throw her a baby shower yet if this is her first?
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  • Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    If your FSIL misbehaves at your wedding, it will reflect badly on her -not on you.  She is responsible for her own behavior and you cannot control it.  You are responsible for your own behavior, and this you can control!  Hold your head up and smile.  People will think you are a wonderful bride to put up with her, and she will look like an ass.  (It worked at my wedding.)
    While it's true that she can't control the ass, only her own reaction, "hold your head up and smile" does not work when the ass is embarrassing and/or hurting other people.

    Unfortunately, most people don't think brides holding up their heads and smiling at other relatives making asses of themselves are wonderful people to put up with them. They're embarrassed for them and pity them. Nobody wants that any more than they want the ass relatives' behavior.

    And unfortunately, despite all the "it reflects badly on them, not you," too many people remember only the asses and not the beautifully dressed and behaved people-and they associate the asses with the couple, so the asses' bad behavior does reflect on them regardless of how high they hold up their heads. And smiling can give the impression that the smiler condones or endorses the asses' bad behavior.


    So what is your alternative?  Cry and make a scene? 
    There was nothing I could do about my MIL's behavior at my wedding, but everybody knew she was a flake, and I got a lot of sympathy by keeping my dignity and ignoring her.
    You may not have been able to do anything at your wedding, but that doesn't mean everyone else with asshole relatives is in the same situation.

    Ignoring assholes is one thing, but nobody should have to smile about it. A smile might just encourage more of the same crap.  And depending on the circumstances, if there's someone who can tell them to stop it, or they can be asked to leave or escorted away by security, those might be appropriate courses of action as well.

    In the OP's case, her FI saying something to his sister should be appropriate. And if necessary, even the OP can tell her to knock it off.
    I think it's a fine line. I'd love to call her out and say "Bitch, get a LIFE," but all it'll do is cause more drama and more stress, and ultimately give her the attention she wants and avenue to play the victim.

    It's not worth it - that's not to say I'll roll over and let her shit on me, but by keeping her out of the loop, not engaging, and not giving a reaction, it is doing something. 

    FI is going to sit down with her, so we'll see what happens after someone she actually gives a shit about has a discussion with her and lets her know she's out of line. 

    It sounds like you've gone through this as well, so I'm really sorry that you have had to deal with asshole relatives/future relatives/generic assholes (whatever it may be). 
    SP29
  • CMGragain said:
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    If your FSIL misbehaves at your wedding, it will reflect badly on her -not on you.  She is responsible for her own behavior and you cannot control it.  You are responsible for your own behavior, and this you can control!  Hold your head up and smile.  People will think you are a wonderful bride to put up with her, and she will look like an ass.  (It worked at my wedding.)
    While it's true that she can't control the ass, only her own reaction, "hold your head up and smile" does not work when the ass is embarrassing and/or hurting other people.

    Unfortunately, most people don't think brides holding up their heads and smiling at other relatives making asses of themselves are wonderful people to put up with them. They're embarrassed for them and pity them. Nobody wants that any more than they want the ass relatives' behavior.

    And unfortunately, despite all the "it reflects badly on them, not you," too many people remember only the asses and not the beautifully dressed and behaved people-and they associate the asses with the couple, so the asses' bad behavior does reflect on them regardless of how high they hold up their heads. And smiling can give the impression that the smiler condones or endorses the asses' bad behavior.


    So what is your alternative?  Cry and make a scene? 
    There was nothing I could do about my MIL's behavior at my wedding, but everybody knew she was a flake, and I got a lot of sympathy by keeping my dignity and ignoring her.
    I am truly sorry you had to deal with that as well - I am doing anything in my power to keep my head held high and breathe. Easier said than done, and I'm sure it will have ebbs and flows, but I appreciate you taking the time to share what worked for you! 
    LivingtheDream
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    If your FSIL misbehaves at your wedding, it will reflect badly on her -not on you.  She is responsible for her own behavior and you cannot control it.  You are responsible for your own behavior, and this you can control!  Hold your head up and smile.  People will think you are a wonderful bride to put up with her, and she will look like an ass.  (It worked at my wedding.)
    While it's true that she can't control the ass, only her own reaction, "hold your head up and smile" does not work when the ass is embarrassing and/or hurting other people.

    Unfortunately, most people don't think brides holding up their heads and smiling at other relatives making asses of themselves are wonderful people to put up with them. They're embarrassed for them and pity them. Nobody wants that any more than they want the ass relatives' behavior.

    And unfortunately, despite all the "it reflects badly on them, not you," too many people remember only the asses and not the beautifully dressed and behaved people-and they associate the asses with the couple, so the asses' bad behavior does reflect on them regardless of how high they hold up their heads. And smiling can give the impression that the smiler condones or endorses the asses' bad behavior.


    So what is your alternative?  Cry and make a scene? 
    There was nothing I could do about my MIL's behavior at my wedding, but everybody knew she was a flake, and I got a lot of sympathy by keeping my dignity and ignoring her.
    You may not have been able to do anything at your wedding, but that doesn't mean everyone else with asshole relatives is in the same situation.

    Ignoring assholes is one thing, but nobody should have to smile about it. A smile might just encourage more of the same crap.  And depending on the circumstances, if there's someone who can tell them to stop it, or they can be asked to leave or escorted away by security, those might be appropriate courses of action as well.

    In the OP's case, her FI saying something to his sister should be appropriate. And if necessary, even the OP can tell her to knock it off.
    I think it's a fine line. I'd love to call her out and say "Bitch, get a LIFE," but all it'll do is cause more drama and more stress, and ultimately give her the attention she wants and avenue to play the victim.

    It's not worth it - that's not to say I'll roll over and let her shit on me, but by keeping her out of the loop, not engaging, and not giving a reaction, it is doing something. 

    FI is going to sit down with her, so we'll see what happens after someone she actually gives a shit about has a discussion with her and lets her know she's out of line. 

    It sounds like you've gone through this as well, so I'm really sorry that you have had to deal with asshole relatives/future relatives/generic assholes (whatever it may be). 
    Yes, I have.  The sad thing is that among my asshole relatives have at times been my parents, who give out that same "Smile and hold your head up" crap advice when other people are being assholes -- but they do not smile and hold their own heads up when it happens to them!
  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this. It is really frustrating. Thankfully, you are a reasonable, level-headed person. You should change your screen name and stick around.

    OliveOilsMomdrunkenwitchbohobride10LivingtheDream
  • I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this. It is really frustrating. Thankfully, you are a reasonable, level-headed person. You should change your screen name and stick around.
    I appreciate that so much - I don't feel it sometimes, but am trying. Will have to change the screen name. 
    Thank you for the support! (everyone!).
    LivingtheDream
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