Brother's Girlfriend

dyerwise

My 17 year old brother lives in Missouri with his adopted family. He will be coming to California for my wedding in October. I haven't sent invites yet, however, my mom and sister have told me he has mentioned bringing his 16 year old girlfriend. I hadn't thought about inviting her, but now that they mentioned it I don't know if I should? They are young and they seem to break up and get back together every other weekend (Thanks for the updates Facebook!). 

Do I need to follow the usual social unit rule and invite her as well?

Jen4948

As they're minors, I think the social unit doesn't apply, but if you want to invite her and can do so, it would be a nice gesture.

drglitter

I think you're fine not inviting her since they're minors. I could see extending a courtesy invite if they were both local, but not given the travel.

Do you have a relationship with the 16 year old girlfriend's parents? I don't think I'd be ok with my (hypothetical) 16 year old getting an out of state wedding invite from people I didn't know. Particularly if there's a hotel and/or a lot of alone time involved, IYKWIM.

I know the parents can always say no, but I'd think you'd be better off not opening that can of worms.

banana468

I agree.   I'd put it into the nice but not required camp.   Do you think he may want a travel companion?

photokitty

dyerwise said:

My 17 year old brother lives in Missouri with his adopted family. He will be coming to California for my wedding in October. I haven't sent invites yet, however, my mom and sister have told me he has mentioned bringing his 16 year old girlfriend. I hadn't thought about inviting her, but now that they mentioned it I don't know if I should? They are young and they seem to break up and get back together every other weekend (Thanks for the updates Facebook!). 

Do I need to follow the usual social unit rule and invite her as well?

Are you inviting his family? I would talk to them and see if they are comfortable with her being invited. I can't imagine the girlfriend's parents would be ok with her going alone with him.

climbingsingle

I think given the fact that quite a bit of travel is involved, it's fine to not invite her. They're both minors. 

pinkcow13

Yea, I agree that you don't have to extend an invitation to her. I know there is no way in hell my parents would let me travel overnight with my boyfriend to attend a wedding (assuming it will require overnight travel), as I was not even allowed to have a boyfriend at that age! Lol. If you do really want to extend the invitation, definitely make a phone call to the parents. 

MesmrEwe

If you can swing it - the courtesy invite is a nice gesture.  That said - are you also extending an invite to his family?  IMO that'd be a higher priority invite since he's a minor as well..

dyerwise

Thanks everyone!

I forgot some info...

He travels out to visit by himself every year and has since he was 13. So travel alone for him isn't a big deal. He'll be coming out twice this year once in July and again for the wedding in October.

He plans to bring his girlfriend during his July trip, which is 2 weeks long, so apparently her family is fine with it, which is SUPER weird to me. They will be staying at my 22 year old sisters house and she isn't super thrilled about it since she doesn't know what rules she'll need to enforce and doesn't want anyone qualifying for "16 and Pregnant" on her watch. My sister and Mom haven't said anything to him because they are worried he will cancel his trip if he can't bring her. 

I have reached out to his family (he was adopted by a really amazing family when he was 3 years old) to invite them the wedding, they told me that they would love to come by they already have two other trips planned this year to visit China and Korea, where their two other adopted children were born.

I don't think I'm going to invite her. We only get to see him 2 weeks out of every year and the wedding will be a total bonus in time he gets to spend with my Mom, Sister, and our other brother.

LtPowers

I don't think age should be a criterion for an exception to the usual rule of etiquette, which is that one doesn't invite only one member of a social unit.

The question is whether they consider themselves a social unit. It appears that they do, if he's bringing her along in July and appears to be insistent about it. Though frequent breakups is a mark against.

But since I see little harm in extending a welcoming gesture to someone who is very close to your brother, and potential harm in deliberately excluding her, I'd err on the side of inviting. It's up to her and her parents whether she can afford the trip, especially in October (which is during the school year).

Fortunately, you don't have to make a decision until after you've met her next month.

photokitty

Personally, I wouldn't invite an unaccompanied minor to my wedding. Your brother is one thing. His girlfriend, without recognized adult supervision is another. Is your sister putting them up? Legally, I'm not sure they can get a hotel.

Furthermore, if I was your sister I would tell him sorry, but we can't host her for the two week trip. Being responsible for a 16 yo with no ties to your family is not a responsibly I'd be looking to take on if i were her.

This all seems a bit odd. They are not adults, and as such don't have to be treated as adults - i.e. extending a plus one. Etiquette is clear that this stipulation is only required to adults, on their own invitation. This is why under 18 can be included on their parent's invite.

ILoveBeachMusic

photokitty said:

Personally, I wouldn't invite an unaccompanied minor to my wedding. Your brother is one thing. His girlfriend, without recognized adult supervision is another. Is your sister putting them up? Legally, I'm not sure they can get a hotel.

Furthermore, if I was your sister I would tell him sorry, but we can't host her for the two week trip. Bring responsible for a 16 yo with no ties to Your family is not a responsibly I'd be looking to take ok if i were her.

This all seems a bit odd. They are not adults, and as such don't have to be treated as adults - i.e. extending a plus one. Etiquette is clear that this stipulation is only required to adults, on their own invitation. This is why under 18 can be included on their parent's invite.

I have three adult children. When they were teenagers there was no way I would have allowed them to travel with a boy/girlfriend without adult supervision. I certainly wouldn't want to be responsible for a minor that I didn't know well. Too many legal implications.

SP29

Because they are minors I would say no, you don't have to invite her. If they were both local, I think it would be a bit different, but with her being 16, there are some possible legal issues over who exactly is responsible for her while she is attending your wedding.

levioosa

LtPowers said:

I don't think age should be a criterion for an exception to the usual rule of etiquette, which is that one doesn't invite only one member of a social unit.

The question is whether they consider themselves a social unit. It appears that they do, if he's bringing her along in July and appears to be insistent about it. Though frequent breakups is a mark against.

But since I see little harm in extending a welcoming gesture to someone who is very close to your brother, and potential harm in deliberately excluding her, I'd err on the side of inviting. It's up to her and her parents whether she can afford the trip, especially in October (which is during the school year).

Fortunately, you don't have to make a decision until after you've met her next month.

Except age should at some point play a factor.  I'm sorry but I'm not going to invite my 12 year old niece's boyfriend.  When you are eighteen, you are legally an adult.  That's a perfectly rational cut-off.  I might make an exception for a 17 year old who's been in a relationship with their SO for a few years, but, come on.  Most teenagers change SOs more often then they shower.  

So, it's a nice gesture, but not required for a minor.  

MesmrEwe

levioosa said:

LtPowers said:

I don't think age should be a criterion for an exception to the usual rule of etiquette, which is that one doesn't invite only one member of a social unit.

The question is whether they consider themselves a social unit. It appears that they do, if he's bringing her along in July and appears to be insistent about it. Though frequent breakups is a mark against.

But since I see little harm in extending a welcoming gesture to someone who is very close to your brother, and potential harm in deliberately excluding her, I'd err on the side of inviting. It's up to her and her parents whether she can afford the trip, especially in October (which is during the school year).

Fortunately, you don't have to make a decision until after you've met her next month.

Except age should at some point play a factor.  I'm sorry but I'm not going to invite my 12 year old niece's boyfriend.  When you are eighteen, you are legally an adult.  That's a perfectly rational cut-off.  I might make an exception for a 17 year old who's been in a relationship with their SO for a few years, but, come on.  Most teenagers change SOs more often then they shower.  

So, it's a nice gesture, but not required for a minor.  

CraftyG

I think it depends on say how serious they are/ how long they've been together and just her personality in general. If she's a nice girl who could be attending more family gatherings then it could be a lovely gesture to invite her and I'm sure your brother would appreciate it. On a side note when we were 17 I wasn't invited to my boyfriend (now fiance) cousins wedding and while we're all fine now and I understand why, it does still hurt my feelings that I wasn't invited to start with.

I would wait until she comes down for 2 weeks and see how you all get on and depending on how you feel about the situation have a chat with just him at the end and ask his opinion on it and then extend an invite if you both decide to invite her.

Jen4948

Knottie1463996468 said:

I think it depends on say how serious they are/ how long they've been together and just her personality in general. If she's a nice girl who could be attending more family gatherings then it could be a lovely gesture to invite her and I'm sure your brother would appreciate it. On a side note when we were 17 I wasn't invited to my boyfriend (now fiance) cousins wedding and while we're all fine now and I understand why, it does still hurt my feelings that I wasn't invited to start with.

I would wait until she comes down for 2 weeks and see how you all get on and depending on how you feel about the situation have a chat with just him at the end and ask his opinion on it and then extend an invite if you both decide to invite her.

Stuck in box.

Only the couple are allowed to determine how "serious" they are, which is not necessarily based on how long their relationship has been in effect and not for outsiders to judge, whether based on "personalities" or any other self-imposed criteria. That would be extremely offensive.

themosthappy91

Definitely agree OP is in the clear, etiquette-wise, not to invite the girlfriend.

I am surprised though that so many people think the idea of teenage boyfriends and girlfriends traveling together is so weird (particularly before we knew his parents weren't coming)!

My H and I started dating when I was 16/he was 17 (early in our senior year of high school) and both vacationed with each others families by the time the next summer rolled around. Many of my other friends also went on family trips with their boyfriends' families that year. Is that super unusual? 

Anyway, all I'd say to OP is- as someone who is now married to her boyfriend from age 16, sometimes it can be better for the family to ere on the side of taking the relationship more seriously and being more welcoming. Despite being close with my H's parents now, I can't deny I have some lingering resentments with how they treated me when we were younger. Not a super great dynamic to set up with the person who ends up being the mother of your grandchildren... but in all seriousness, just something to consider when thinking about whether or not to include her in this or other family things!

LtPowers

levioosa said:

Except age should at some point play a factor.  I'm sorry but I'm not going to invite my 12 year old niece's boyfriend.  When you are eighteen, you are legally an adult.  That's a perfectly rational cut-off.  I might make an exception for a 17 year old who's been in a relationship with their SO for a few years, but, come on.  Most teenagers change SOs more often then they shower.  

So, it's a nice gesture, but not required for a minor.  

Well, sure, in modern society 12-year-olds don't form social units (except with their parents). That's the reason 12-year-olds don't get invited with dates, not just because they're 12. So I don't see any need to set a hard cut-off age. Unlike the law, which is the source of the age of majority custom, etiquette has the ability to account for shades of gray in such matters.

photokitty

themosthappy91 said:

Definitely agree OP is in the clear, etiquette-wise, not to invite the girlfriend.

I am surprised though that so many people think the idea of teenage boyfriends and girlfriends traveling together is so weird (particularly before we knew his parents weren't coming)!

My H and I started dating when I was 16/he was 17 (early in our senior year of high school) and both vacationed with each others families by the time the next summer rolled around. Many of my other friends also went on family trips with their boyfriends' families that year. Is that super unusual? 

Anyway, all I'd say to OP is- as someone who is now married to her boyfriend from age 16, sometimes it can be better for the family to ere on the side of taking the relationship more seriously and being more welcoming. Despite being close with my H's parents now, I can't deny I have some lingering resentments with how they treated me when we were younger. Not a super great dynamic to set up with the person who ends up being the mother of your grandchildren... but in all seriousness, just something to consider when thinking about whether or not to include her in this or other family things!

Yeah, I find that odd. It's just not in my range of normal. My parents would never let me travel with my boyfriend in high school. There is just to much that could happen. I fully realize things can happen during daylight hours at home, but the risk is greater on vacation. Heck, even now vacation sex is way better than Saturday night set home sex. Also, I don't want to be responsible if something happens.

Being rude to your child's high school boyfriend/girlfriend is not cool. But holding a grudge bc you weren't invited to a wedding when you were a minor is silly. It's completely reasonable for the parents to not want to be responsible for you...they could be liable if the minor guest drank at the wedding and could be charged.

Family time should be respected, especially if the couple in question are minors. Until you are a family member it's not reasonable to expect to be included on family vacations, even if you're an adult. Your significant other can decline going. Weddings, if their child is 18or older, you should be invited.

ShesSoCold

I had two long-term boyfriends when I was in my teens (like 14-17). I went on vacations with both of them and their families and also traveled alone with them. My mom knew what we were doing and knew we weren't stupid.

But I agree with most PPs that this is totally up to OP and there is no obligation to invite the girlfriend. It's a nice thing to do if the brother is staying with a family member willing to also have the GF and if her parents are okay with it (which it probably would be if she's coming in a few weeks).

themosthappy91

photokitty said:

themosthappy91 said:

Definitely agree OP is in the clear, etiquette-wise, not to invite the girlfriend.

I am surprised though that so many people think the idea of teenage boyfriends and girlfriends traveling together is so weird (particularly before we knew his parents weren't coming)!

My H and I started dating when I was 16/he was 17 (early in our senior year of high school) and both vacationed with each others families by the time the next summer rolled around. Many of my other friends also went on family trips with their boyfriends' families that year. Is that super unusual? 

Anyway, all I'd say to OP is- as someone who is now married to her boyfriend from age 16, sometimes it can be better for the family to ere on the side of taking the relationship more seriously and being more welcoming. Despite being close with my H's parents now, I can't deny I have some lingering resentments with how they treated me when we were younger. Not a super great dynamic to set up with the person who ends up being the mother of your grandchildren... but in all seriousness, just something to consider when thinking about whether or not to include her in this or other family things!

Yeah, I find that odd. It's just not in my range of normal. My parents would never let me travel with my boyfriend in high school. There is just to much that could happen. I fully realize things can happen during daylight hours at home, but the risk is greater on vacation. Heck, even now vacation sex is way better than Saturday night set home sex. Also, I don't want to be responsible if something happens.

Being rude to your child's high school boyfriend/girlfriend is not cool. But holding a grudge bc you weren't invited to a wedding when you were a minor is silly. It's completely reasonable for the parents to not want to be responsible for you...they could be liable if the minor guest drank at the wedding and could be charged.

Family time should be respected, especially if the couple in question are minors. Until you are a family member it's not reasonable to expect to be included on family vacations, even if you're an adult. Your significant other can decline going. Weddings, if their child is 18or older, you should be invited.

I wonder if maybe the difference is parental attitudes towards sex? I was very upfront with my parents about when I became sexually active (had to in order to get on the pill I guess) and they had no qualms with it. My H's parents were not as progressive but were well-aware it was happening and just made us sleep in separate rooms on vacations.

And yeah anyway, it'd definitely be extreme to hold lack of inclusion in one wedding as a teen against anyone of course. I'm just saying it's generally not a bad idea to ere on the side of inclusion when possible (though in this case the liability issue seems like a very fair reason not to invite her).

KnickerGold

Who is your brother staying with for the wedding? Is that person part of the wedding (ie. will that person be arriving at the location hours earlier than a normal guest)? Is THAT person ok with another teenager staying with them? Who would be responsible for getting the minors to/from the wedding? the airport? Would they be missing any school to attend this wedding?
These are some more questions you need to consider!
As a note, I don't think it's rude to not invite his girlfriend- but inviting a guest would be appropriate (hopefully one old enough to rent a car & hotel room!)

MyNameIsNot

I agree with the majority. The social unit rule begins with adults, at 18. 

However, I have a practical concern. You mention that your brother wouldn't come for the two week trip if his GF is not allowed. Would he also refuse to attend the wedding without her? If so, are you willing to accept that?

Assuming his parents are ok with the GF (which it appears they are) and there's someone to host them, I can't imagine any liability issues that you'd incur in hosting a 16 year old at your wedding without parents. Obviously, you wouldn't be serving her alcohol or doing anything else that you'd be doing if her parents were invited. She's not a 6 year old that needs constant adult supervision. 

mimivac

I agree that inviting this young woman is not mandatory, but, if at all possible, I would err on the side of inclusion as well. After all, you will be spending two weeks with her on a family trip soon -- not inviting her after that (given that she is your brother's girlfriend) would be signaling your disapproval or dislike of her. Of course, you may need to deal with some logistics since they are both minors, but a welcoming stance is often a better one for all concerned.

thisismynickname2

I think when it comes to minors' SOs that it's not just know your crowd, it's know your/the family. 
Come to think of it, both my sister and I had travels with our serious boyfriends when we were underage, but it was heavily supervised. In fact, when we road-tripped and included my sister's boyfriend, my dad and the boyfriend stayed in one hotel room and my mom and my sister and I shared another hotel room.
It's up to the parents of the minors to be comfortable with the logistics.  

dyerwise

Thanks everyone for the input!

My Mom called to tell me last night that my brother got his girlfriend pregnant and dropped out of high school. My Mom doesn't really have the best judgement and is super excited that she is getting her first grandchild.

Since my sister and I always have to be the voice of reason we both reached out to our brother to let him know that we are worried about him are concerned with his decision to drop of school and have a baby. He is now not talking to either of us.

I think I might post on chit chat about this because it would be great to get everyone's perspective.

levioosa

dyerwise said:

Thanks everyone for the input!

My Mom called to tell me last night that my brother got his girlfriend pregnant and dropped out of high school. My Mom doesn't really have the best judgement and is super excited that she is getting her first grandchild.

Since my sister and I always have to be the voice of reason we both reached out to our brother to let him know that we are worried about him are concerned with his decision to drop of school and have a baby. He is now not talking to either of us.

I think I might post on chit chat about this because it would be great to get everyone's perspective.

Woah, this took a turn that I was not expecting.  I'm so sorry, that sounds like a terrible situation.