Wedding Woes

My husband is being a giant baby over the sex of our baby

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are having a baby and recently found out it is a girl. This came as a shock to us, as we really thought we were having a boy. My husband is devastated. We already have a girl, and my husband decided that this is God punishing him. His father passed away, and he feels he will not “carry on the family name” (though he has several male cousins with his last name). He said he “failed his father.” My husband is now moping around the house, not interested in my pregnancy or in announcing the gender on Facebook, something he was extremely excited about before. I feel alone and upset. I have broached this with him, delicately, as I realize that gender disappointment is a real thing, but come on! I think he needs to get over it. He says I am being judgmental. I think we are supposed to be in this together, and now I can’t even mention the baby. What am I supposed to do?

—Gender Disappointment

Re: My husband is being a giant baby over the sex of our baby

  • DH's grandmother was an only child, so to keep the name alive, both H and his dad have her maiden name as their middle name.  Regardless of the gender of our first born, that child will also have the same middle name.  The name isn't dead, it's just not a surname anymore (and I think it would be a great first name for a boy).

    I don't understand how having daughters instead of sons counts as "failing" anyone.  There may be more to it than that, but based on the content of this letter, that seems silly.

    Regardless of the level of disappointment he may feel, he really needs to find a way to get past this before the daughter is born.  I don't even what to consider the implications the child might have growing up if the father continues to harbor these feelings.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    charlotte989875OurWildKingdomSP29
  • I kept my original name when I married.  When we discussed having children, "Not being able to carry on my family name" never even occurred to me.  

    This feels like some seriously sexist bullshit that he needs to deal with, deprogram, unload, etc.  And quickly.
    PrettyGirlLostOurWildKingdomSP29
  • What an ass. I'm only child and technically only one who could carry-on the last name.

    He needs to get over his shit and be excited for his child. Poor expecting mother :\
    PrettyGirlLostOurWildKingdom
  • What a dick. My brother was always treated as the golden child because my uncle had 2 girls and I was a girl so he was carrying on the family name. Want to ruin your child's self esteem at a young age tell them they aren't as special because they were born a girl and therefore incapable of carrying on a name...
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    PrettyGirlLostOurWildKingdomSP29
  • There was a great post on Scary Mommy the other day about a woman who'd hired a photographer for the birth, and the daughter they'd been told they'd be having according to the Ultrasound... was SURPRISE! a Boy! and the look on her face at that moment...  It's why they always qualify it with "I THINK it's a ..." instead of "It's a..."

    But at the end of the day, he'll come around.  For who knows what reason they were under the impression that they were having a boy (maybe they had used a donor) and he started to make plans for football camp.  He's in mourning (and needs to build a bridge to get over it!) Heck, she could start suggesting names like Sam - Pat - Tucker - etc. that can be used for both genders beautifully/handsomely (was reading that's the latest trend in baby names)... 

    bleve0821charlotte989875OurWildKingdom
  • What a dick. He better get over that before she is born. I'm sure it wouldn't take long for her to realize dad wanted a boy. 
  • On top of all those excellent points, my family name actually had the spelling changed at some point in my great-greats' immigration process.  (Unwieldy German surname, umlauts and all.  We have Indiana relatives who kept the original spelling.)  As a result, my dad, brother, and a few cousins are literally the only people in the world with that last name, and I still don't really give two craps whether it's carried on or not.  Not enough to throw a fit over having a girl vs. a boy, certainly.

    Then again, I was never all that attached to my maiden name.  Spelling/pronunciation were a nightmare. 

    MesmrEweKnottie1452098987
  • I can understand being *mildly* disappointed if you only have children of one sex, but seriously?  What is the huge deal?  Get over it.  And this goes for all parents, not just the douche husband in the letter.

    SaveSave
  • This guy has serious problems if he cannot even have a conversation with his wife about the upcoming baby.  Typically this is a build a bridge and get over it type of problem, but this guy is so far past that point.  I honestly feel he will some how hold this "problem" against his wife for a long time.  He may even subconsciously treat both of his daughters poorly as a result. 

    I am almost glad this guy isn't getting a son because he would be the type of parent where the son could do no wrong.  The son is carrying on the family name, who cares how he acts!

    Knottie1452098987
  • Hmm. My maiden name is shared by: my widowed grandma, my dad (I am an only child), my Papaw's living siblings (an unmarried, never-had-children sister and a brother with one adopted daughter), and my dad's brother and SIL (one son, but he was from the wife's previous relationship).

    So it's not going to be passed on. If anyone in the family gives a single fuck, they have not expressed it in front of me.

    Get over it, dude. If you weren't willing to take the chance that #2 would also be a girl, you shouldn't have spawned again in the first place.
    image
    YogaSandySP29
  • My middle name is my grandma's maiden name.  My grandma gave to my dad, he gave it to me, and I gave it to DefConn (it was my one thing when we talked kids...'deal-breaker', I guess).  The name would have died with my grandma had she not passed it on the way she did and that my dad and I didn't take the legacy as personally as we do.  I plan to tell DefConn the reason behind his middle name and I hope he continues tradition. 

    There are other options. 

    This guy is an idiot. 
    OurWildKingdomOliveOilsMom
  • Personally, I'd be serving the schmuck with divorce papers, but that's just me. The sexism is bad enough, but the whole "God is punishing me" rot would infuriate me even if I were a believer.
    Knottie1452098987scrunchythiefJediElizabethSP29
  • Personally, I'd be serving the schmuck with divorce papers, but that's just me. The sexism is bad enough, but the whole "God is punishing me" rot would infuriate me even if I were a believer.
    Crap, I missed that part!  Was God punishing Mary's parents?  Goodness...
    charlotte989875
  • Personally, I'd be serving the schmuck with divorce papers, but that's just me. The sexism is bad enough, but the whole "God is punishing me" rot would infuriate me even if I were a believer.
    Crap, I missed that part!  Was God punishing Mary's parents?  Goodness...
    I missed that part too! Wow that is sooo much worse. There are people who are trying and want nothing more than to have a baby of any gender and he's getting one and thinks he's being punished because he's having a girl... Ugh
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    charlotte989875SP29
  • Is he a titled lord? Is he living under the law of premogeniture? What if he had a son who turned out to be gay? Or sterile? Or childfree?

    Carrying on the family name is just plain sexist bullshit. And she needs to divorce that bag of dicks.

    OurWildKingdomHeffalumpMissKittyDanger
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