FMIL can't spell my name right...ever

Knottie00267128

I have a fairly common name, but with what a lot of people consider to be a different spelling. My FMIL has never once spelled my name right. We're friends on facebook and I always sign my full first name (no nickname) on Christmas cards and thank you notes, but she hasn't picked up on it. I think she knows it's "different" because it is always spelled uniquely, but never correct. I didn't say anything when FI and I first started dating because I didn't want to to be rude and I figured she'd figure it out, but she hasn't. 
Three years later and we're getting married and she's still screwing up my name. I feel like it's awkward to say something about it now because she'll probably be embarrassed, but it really does bother me. 

What at would you do?

glasgowtolondon

Knottie00267128 said:

I have a fairly common name, but with what a lot of people consider to be a different spelling. My FMIL has never once spelled my name right. We're friends on facebook and I always sign my full first name (no nickname) on Christmas cards and thank you notes, but she hasn't picked up on it. I think she knows it's "different" because it is always spelled uniquely, but never correct. I didn't say anything when FI and I first started dating because I didn't want to to be rude and I figured she'd figure it out, but she hasn't. 
Three years later and we're getting married and she's still screwing up my name. I feel like it's awkward to say something about it now because she'll probably be embarrassed, but it really does bother me. 

What at would you do?

If it bothers you this much then ask your FI to discreetly let her know that she has been spelling your name incorrectly all this time. I get that you don't want to embarrass her, but you are obviously stewing over this. Your choices are to either get over it and just let it go, or to say something. Your hints obviously don't work.

SP29

I agree your FI should handle this. No reason why he can't casually mention something like, "{Name} loved the birthday gift you sent her, but I noticed you spelled her name XYZ, it's actually ABC."

Tyvm

Yup, as PPs stated. It's FI's job to discreetly handle this. Make no mention of what you noticed, just what FI noticed.

OurWildKingdom

If it makes you feel any better, my late aunt and uncle who adored me never did spell my name correctly. Correct FMIL politely, then chalk it up to the brain and fingers not being in sync.

ETA: I have a name that can be spelled at least four different ways, so I can relate.

Knottie00267128

Thanks, everyone. I agree, why didn't I make him say something sooner?!

ILoveBeachMusic

This made me remember that my own grandmother called me Carol - which is not my name! Granted I was the next to last grandchild in a very large family!

ei34

My in-laws have been spelling my name incorrectly for years.  (Like you, I sign it in cards, we're friends on Facebook, it was right there on our wedding invitation, on our kids' birthday and baptism invitations, Christmas cards, etc.)  They start my name with an "A" instead of an "E".  H and I used to try to correct them, and it hasn't stuck.  For whatever reason, it doesn't bother me anymore, but if it did, PPs have given great advice about your FI mentioning something. I especially like @SP29 's wording.

Knottie00267128

@ILoveBeachMusic His mom, dad, and both grandparents have all also addressed me by his ex-wife's name at some point during our relationship. The worst was his grandmother who did it when we were over her house the day after our engagement to show her my ring.

OurWildKingdom

Knottie00267128 said:

@ILoveBeachMusic His mom, dad, and both grandparents have all also addressed me by his ex-wife's name at some point during our relationship. The worst was his grandmother who did it when we were over her house the day after our engagement to show her my ring.

Ouch. That's much worse than a misspelling.

Tyvm

Knottie00267128 said:

@ILoveBeachMusic His mom, dad, and both grandparents have all also addressed me by his ex-wife's name at some point during our relationship. The worst was his grandmother who did it when we were over her house the day after our engagement to show her my ring.

Don't feel too bad about this. My mother sometimes calls me by her cat's name before correcting herself. It'll just take a bit more time of ex-wife's absence for that to settle in a bit.

jacques27

I just want to say, even if your FI does correct her, that doesn't mean she'll get it right.  It's one of those things that's annoying, but you also have to learn to let just roll off your back.  It seems very unlikely she's doing it on purpose.  It's part of life having an unusual/difficult/differently spelled name.  I have an uncommon name and people say it wrong all the time - I have people I've been friends with for 25 years who still don't say it correctly.  Just last week I misspelled someone's name on their birthday card - I've known this person for 10 years and their name is fairly common but I know about four different spellings for it that are fairly common as well and apparently just blanked last week because it's not like I'm writing out her name all the time.  It happens.  People don't do it to spite you.

lnixon8

jacques27 said:

I just want to say, even if your FI does correct her, that doesn't mean she'll get it right.  It's one of those things that's annoying, but you also have to learn to let just roll off your back.  It seems very unlikely she's doing it on purpose.  It's part of life having an unusual/difficult/differently spelled name.  I have an uncommon name and people say it wrong all the time - I have people I've been friends with for 25 years who still don't say it correctly.  Just last week I misspelled someone's name on their birthday card - I've known this person for 10 years and their name is fairly common but I know about four different spellings for it that are fairly common as well and apparently just blanked last week because it's not like I'm writing out her name all the time.  It happens.  People don't do it to spite you.

Agree. I pronounce my first names "Lar (rhymes with tar)-uh" but don't bat an eye (unless its immediate family, H or best friends) when someone prounounces it "Lore-uh". When someones says Lauren or Loren I look and assume they are addressing me. 

ShesSoCold

My name is Adrienne and my step MIL spells it "Adrean". That's not even similar. It's been nine years and H corrected her years ago. Didn't stick. Oh well.

anidorikiladra

If it makes you feel better, my grandmother spelled my name wrong my whole life. My name ends with a "y", but she always used "ie". I always complained about it but of course I missed it once she died. 

MissKittyDanger

My H's grandmother spells my name with a 'y'

But honestly, Starbucks is the worst of all when it comes to spelling my name. I don't have a difficult name

They throw in an extra 'i' ... my name is already majority vowels, I don't need another.

Jen4948

My name (or rather, one of my preferred nicknames) can be spelled with an i, a y, or ie, and over the years I've spelled it all three ways. I decided that it's not important to me. My other preferred nickname can be spelled with three or four letters, depending on if you double the last letter, and while I spell it with three myself, it's not my hill to die on if it's spelled with four.

But if my full name was misspelled, I would speak up. I'd probably just say, "I notice that you've been spelling my name WrongSpelling, but it's actually spelled RightSpelling."  I'd try having your FI tell his mother that first. If that doesn't work, I would tell her that yourself. And if she still doesn't get it, then just make sure she doesn't have anything engraved or printed with your name on it!

Knottie00267128

Update: I asked him to speak with her about my name, which apparently hadn't realized she was still misspelling,, so he texted her (not the best plan, he now realizes) and politely (he thought) said that we'd noticed it had been spelled wrong on the last few cards and would really appreciate it if she could pay a little more attention and spell it right.  
She completely overreacted and had a meltdown and sent some completely bitchy text back, so he got a call from his dad asking why he'd yelled at his mom and why we were so mad at her. Again, he realizes he should've just called her because you can't always determine tone from texts. I guess FI's brother's wife had mocked her for misspelling something, like, 4 years ago and asked if she was stupid because she couldn't spell something right. FI's polite request to have his future wife's name spelled right brought up all her insecurities....
So now I know her spelling has been poor for a while and she's an emotional wreck if you don't like something she does. Awesome.... I guess I know not to tell her that I won't be calling her "mom" like she keeps trying to force me to and try to just let the issue fade out. Smdh.

lnixon8

Knottie00267128 said:

Update: I asked him to speak with her about my name, which apparently hadn't realized she was still misspelling,, so he texted her (not the best plan, he now realizes) and politely (he thought) said that we'd noticed it had been spelled wrong on the last few cards and would really appreciate it if she could pay a little more attention and spell it right.  
She completely overreacted and had a meltdown and sent some completely bitchy text back, so he got a call from his dad asking why he'd yelled at his mom and why we were so mad at her. Again, he realizes he should've just called her because you can't always determine tone from texts. I guess FI's brother's wife had mocked her for misspelling something, like, 4 years ago and asked if she was stupid because she couldn't spell something right. FI's polite request to have his future wife's name spelled right brought up all her insecurities....
So now I know her spelling has been poor for a while and she's an emotional wreck if you don't like something she does. Awesome.... I guess I know not to tell her that I won't be calling her "mom" like she keeps trying to force me to and try to just let the issue fade out. Smdh.

Ugh. That sucks. My MIL and FIL both asked that I call them Mom and Dad. I actually brought it up a few weeks after being engaged by asking MIL if I could call her her first name rather than Mrs. LastName because soon my name would also be "Mrs. LastName". I was shocked when they both wanted Mom and Dad.
1. Its a big jump from Mr. and Mrs. to Mom and Dad, 2. My parents are alive and awesome and FIL I haven't had the best relationship.

Anyways, I kind of sheepishly told them I was uncomfortable but could easily go weeks without addressing them with any name lol.

Knottie00267128

Likewise, my mom is amazing and the only mom I need. His mom has not been a great mother to him, to the point that they didn't speak for years, and has lots of emotional issues (clearly). She's not someone I see myself turning to the way I would to a mother figure. Plus, I'm adopted, so my awesome adoptive mom is already the second one I've had.

OliveOilsMom

Sorry that was how everything went down, texting was not the best choice.  But if your FI doesn't have the best relationship with his mom, I can see why he chose that format to begin with.  Did it at least get straightened out when FI talked to his dad?  Also, your FSIL must be a peach if she called her own MIL stupid because she isn't a great speller.

Times are changing and I think less and less people are calling their ILs "mom" and "dad".  When I first met MIL, I called her Mrs. Lastname.  We were at Easter dinner and I kept saying her name over and over again and she wasn't acknowledging me.  Finally, I said her first name and she turned and said "Yes?".  From then on I called her by her first name.  After we got engaged, I had my H broach MIL about if she wanted me to start calling her Mom.  She said she didn't care either way, so I just continue to call her by her first name. 

My mom and dad both approached my H and gave him choices as to what to call them.  My H continues to call my mom Mrs. Lastname.  Its more difficult for my H with my dad because he gave him the choice of his first name or his nickname.  My H was uneasy with either (due mostly to his background in karate and the respect they learn/give to others), but he eventually eased into calling him by his first name.  When my mom signs his birthday card, she does sign it "Mom & Dad Lastname" but its not ever expected he call them mom or dad.

I actually think it might be good to say something to FMIL about not wanting to call her mom.  She might never get the hint and always continue.  It could build up to resentment, which would be worse.  Practice what you will say, so when she mentions "Call me mom" you have a response for her.  "FMIL, I appreciate that you think of me as your daughter so much you would like for me to call you mom.  However, that makes me a little uncomfortable.  It has nothing to do with you and this is my hang up.  Would it be ok if I call you X?"  Putting some blame on yourself could help smooth it over when you finally say something.

Knottie00267128

@OliveOilsMom I'd told him not to text her, but he was upset and couldn't wait to call her. Not a good move, he realized, but everything got smoothed out with FFIL. 

FSIL is terrible, FI doesn't even refer to her a SIL, it's his brother's wife. His family is super paranoid because FSIL basically doesn't let his bother or their two kids, the only grandchildren, visit his family. It's not a great situation for many reasons.

I'm also used to referring to someone, such as a BF's parents, as Mr. Or Mrs. So and so, but was told not to do that when I started dating him. His mom is constantly introducing herself as her ful name or one of a few common nicknames, so I really don't know what she prefers. Most recently, she signed my shower card with a new nickname that she has never used before and also happens to be FSIL's name, which I don't get. (yes, his brother married a woman with the same name as their mother) I'm honestly starting to wonder, after everything I've heard abt FMIL (wayyyy more than shared here) and her emotional breakdowns if she doesn't have some sort of multiple personality thing going on... So I'm pretty hesitant to interact with her at all that this point.

OliveOilsMom

@Knottie00267128 That might be best, only try to interact with her in person if FI can be around.  If she texts or emails you something specific, respond back with a "I'll discuss it with FI and we will get back to you."  Then always have your FI get back to her.

I'd probably refer to her with her actual first name or the most common nickname she gives herself.  And if she ever does try to drop in the mom part, I would decline it with the script I provided above.

Sounds like you are marrying into an interesting family!  Godspeed!

Knottie00267128

@OliveOilsMom Yes, there has been a lot that's come out of the woodwork recently. I haven't turned to the boards for 99% of it because it's their personal business and I've been sworn to silence on a lot of things, but needless to say, I looking forward to when FI and I can move a little further from them. 

Thanks for the advice!

DrillSergeantCat

My ex-husband's mother has not once spelled our son's name right. Like you, OP, it's always spelled different but never correctly. Some people just don't care about spelling. I let it go with her. Also, in the 18 years I was married to my ex, several of his family members never spelled my name right. Lots of Kathryn's, Katherine's, but never Catherine. 18 years. I just rolled my eyes every time.

geebee908

DrillSergeantCat said:

My ex-husband's mother has not once spelled our son's name right. Like you, OP, it's always spelled different but never correctly. Some people just don't care about spelling. I let it go with her. Also, in the 18 years I was married to my ex, several of his family members never spelled my name right. Lots of Kathryn's, Katherine's, but never Catherine. 18 years. I just rolled my eyes every time.

SITB
Catherine would be my default spelling. Interesting that they would use those other versions first.

ILoveBeachMusic

geebee908 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

My ex-husband's mother has not once spelled our son's name right. Like you, OP, it's always spelled different but never correctly. Some people just don't care about spelling. I let it go with her. Also, in the 18 years I was married to my ex, several of his family members never spelled my name right. Lots of Kathryn's, Katherine's, but never Catherine. 18 years. I just rolled my eyes every time.

SITB
Catherine would be my default spelling. Interesting that they would use those other versions first.

Mine would be Katherine. I have so many friends named "Kathy", and it is hard to remember who spells it which way! Thank goodness there is only one that spells it with an "i" instead of "y".

MissKittyDanger

DrillSergeantCat said:

My ex-husband's mother has not once spelled our son's name right. Like you, OP, it's always spelled different but never correctly. Some people just don't care about spelling. I let it go with her. Also, in the 18 years I was married to my ex, several of his family members never spelled my name right. Lots of Kathryn's, Katherine's, but never Catherine. 18 years. I just rolled my eyes every time.

My legal name is a 'nickname' of a Catherine and this causes me so many issues! I feel you!

OurWildKingdom

scribe95 said:

My name can be spelled a million ways. And it is. It just doesn't bother me. I have bigger things in life to worry about.

Mine too. I've gotten used to it. I'm also related to and friends with lots of poor spellers (including FW). I really don't take it personally any more unless it's something work-related.

InLoveInQueens

scribe95 said:

My name can be spelled a million ways. And it is. It just doesn't bother me. I have bigger things in life to worry about.

Same, my name is also fairly unique and the way I spell it is probably the most unique out of all of them, so I'm used to both correcting the spelling and pronunciation of my name. And most of the time I don't bother to correct the person.

holyguacamole79

Just wanted to add that my name is also spelled uniquely.   I think MIL gets it right, but they don't write much to us.