FSIL Bridesmaid Issue

GoingGoshko

Hi Ladies,

First off, I realize these "issues" will be so irrelevant on the big day, but I need some sound advice for now. 

I asked my FSIL to be a bridesmaid. We've always gotten along and are really good friends. Since then, there has been a small rift between us. She has been very distant but critical of my decisions and always comes to me with problems.

For instance, she wants to throw a shower of which I am very grateful but she has picked the date, theme and place without so much as a "What do you think?" I felt left out of the decision making process and more like it was about her and her convenience, than something I would choose. 

She also threw an engagement party (she did the invites) after we returned from our vacation (where he proposed) and she didn't even tell my mother! 

Also, I sent all of my bridesmaids an email update with the bridesmaids dress link and instead of acknowledging the email, she scolded me for sending to her work email. It's just that there are a million other ways to say something without so much sass! Ammiright?

The other maids have commented on the way she comes across and I feel the need to say something but want to do it gently. Am I totally off base? Or have I encountered someone who may be a tad jealous/critical of someone else in the spotlight? 

What should I do?

GoingGoshko

One more big thing: She agreed to go dress shopping with me then bailed when she realized she had a hair appointment.

ShesSoCold

Knottie1462132504 said:

Hi Ladies,

First off, I realize these "issues" will be so irrelevant on the big day, but I need some sound advice for now. 

I asked my FSIL to be a bridesmaid. We've always gotten along and are really good friends. Since then, there has been a small rift between us. She has been very distant but critical of my decisions and always comes to me with problems.

For instance, she wants to throw a shower of which I am very grateful but she has picked the date, theme and place without so much as a "What do you think?" I felt left out of the decision making process and more like it was about her and her convenience, than something I would choose. 

She also threw an engagement party (she did the invites) after we returned from our vacation (where he proposed) and she didn't even tell my mother! 

Also, I sent all of my bridesmaids an email update with the bridesmaids dress link and instead of acknowledging the email, she scolded me for sending to her work email. It's just that there are a million other ways to say something without so much sass! Ammiright?

The other maids have commented on the way she comes across and I feel the need to say something but want to do it gently. Am I totally off base? Or have I encountered someone who may be a tad jealous/critical of someone else in the spotlight? 

What should I do?

Knottie1462132504 said:

One more big thing: She agreed to go dress shopping with me then bailed when she realized she had a hair appointment.

Okay, I think you're overreacting. She's throwing parties for you - the details are up to her. Not even a little bit of a problem.

She may have a strict work environment where she cannot receive personal emails. You were wrong here, not her.

She forgot your mom at a party. Weird and sucky, yes, reason to confront her? No.

 Her hair appointment is also not a problem at all. She had an appointment, what did you want her to do?

bleve0821

Knottie1462132504 said:

Hi Ladies,

First off, I realize these "issues" will be so irrelevant on the big day, but I need some sound advice for now. 

I asked my FSIL to be a bridesmaid. We've always gotten along and are really good friends. Since then, there has been a small rift between us. She has been very distant but critical of my decisions and always comes to me with problems.

For instance, she wants to throw a shower of which I am very grateful but she has picked the date, theme and place without so much as a "What do you think?" I felt left out of the decision making process and more like it was about her and her convenience, than something I would choose. 

She also threw an engagement party (she did the invites) after we returned from our vacation (where he proposed) and she didn't even tell my mother! 

Also, I sent all of my bridesmaids an email update with the bridesmaids dress link and instead of acknowledging the email, she scolded me for sending to her work email. It's just that there are a million other ways to say something without so much sass! Ammiright?

The other maids have commented on the way she comes across and I feel the need to say something but want to do it gently. Am I totally off base? Or have I encountered someone who may be a tad jealous/critical of someone else in the spotlight? 

What should I do?

You may be making this out to be something much more than it is.  I don't see any of this behavior as the markings of someone who "may be a tad jealous/critical of someone else in the spotlight," especially considering FSIL is throwing you parties she is under no obligation to host.  Really, unless the date is inconvenient for you/your FI, you should be thanking her for all her hard work, not criticizing her for leaving you out of the decision making process (which, btw, as a guest of honor, you should have no involvement in the hosting or planning of).

She is the hostess.  You are the guest.  Therefore, she is entitled to all the who/what/where/when details.

Yeah, it sucks that she didn't tell your mother about the engagement party, but there's a difference between blatantly ignoring an individual and accidentally overlooking something in the planning of a party, which sounds like it may have been impromptu to begin with.  Maybe the invitation got lost?  Mail gets lost, email filters incorrectly mark things as spam, voicemails aren't always listened to.  In other words:  Shit happens.  Not a reason to confront her.

I agree with @ShesSoCold about sending things to her work email.  Lots of companies have policies about using work email for personal reasons.  Mine does.

From the context of your post, I do not see anything here that requires any reason for you to confront FSIL, or say anything to her about anything.  Saying, "The other maids have commented on the way she comes across" is incredibly vague.  If all the communication FSIL has had with your other BMs is through email, that's far too much of an impersonal medium for anyone to say anything about "the way she comes across."

Have a glass of wine and a cupcake, take a deep breath, and let it go.  This rift is quite possibly a single-sided perception.  If there was a rift, I doubt she'd be going to this kind of effort for you.

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree just let it go. The only thing I think she did wrong was to not include you in determining the date for the shower and not inviting your Mom to the engagement party. The rest - no big deal.

MairePoppy

I agree with ShesSoCold. She should have invited your parents to the engagement party, unless it was a small celebration for your fi's parents, siblings, grandparents. But there's nothing that can be done about that now, so, let it go.

Also, she should have cleared the shower date with you, but the theme, number of guests, place etc...are up to the host to decide. Usually the host tries to pick a theme that she thinks will please the bride, but it's really the hosts decision. Keep in mind, the shower is a gift and accept it graciously.

I'm concerned that you may be discussing your FSILs personality with the other BMs. This is not a good idea and will only add to the friction. 

flantastic

My FMIL threw a shower for me. It was absolutely all about what she wanted to do and she completely ignored the input I gave her, that she had asked for. However, that was her prerogative, as the host of the party. She didn't even have to ask my input. Her job was to make sure that all the guests had a good time, and I think she mostly accomplished that. Sure, at a shower or engagement party. there's a guest of honor, whose preferences the host might want to take into more account, but they don't have to. Can it be annoying? Yes. Did I enjoy said shower, as the guest of honor? Not particularly. But my FMIL didn't do it "wrong."

I don't see any issues in your post. No one has done anything wrong here. So you do nothing.

On the hair appointment - like @ShesSoCold said - what would have been the "correct" thing for her to do? Sometimes hair appointments take a while to reschedule. Wedding dress shopping is not a big enough deal that it's probably worth the hassle of rescheduling it, especially to a FSIL. And that's okay. Your wedding doesn't have to be as important to everyone else as it is to you, and spoiler alert - it won't be. She probably thought it wasn't that big a deal to you if she couldn't be there, especially if others (like, say, your mom) could.

GoingGoshko

Ladies, (@AtomicBlonde , @ILoveBeachMusic , @MairePoppy , @ShesSoCold)

Thanks for your input. 

To clarify: In regards to the appointment situation, we agreed on a date well in advance and she asked me to reschedule (along with others) because of the hair appointment. As with all electronic communication, it's difficult to go into too much explanation, etc. 

I guess I'm just a little over emotional and sensitive with all the activity. I'm trying to let this go. It helped hearing from emotionally removed sources, so thank you all!

lembaslover

Knottie1462132504 said:

Hi Ladies,

First off, I realize these "issues" will be so irrelevant on the big day, but I need some sound advice for now. 

I asked my FSIL to be a bridesmaid. We've always gotten along and are really good friends. Since then, there has been a small rift between us. She has been very distant but critical of my decisions and always comes to me with problems.

For instance, she wants to throw a shower of which I am very grateful but she has picked the date, theme and place without so much as a "What do you think?" I felt left out of the decision making process and more like it was about her and her convenience, than something I would choose. You have the right to decline a shower but you should not be involved in the planning besides telling the host which dates work for you. So unless the date she picked doesn't work for you she's done nothing wrong.

She also threw an engagement party (she did the invites) after we returned from our vacation (where he proposed) and she didn't even tell my mother! How many people were there? Was it just your FI family? If so that makes sense though it would have been nice to include your mother since she was the host she gets to decide who is invited.

Also, I sent all of my bridesmaids an email update with the bridesmaids dress link and instead of acknowledging the email, she scolded me for sending to her work email. It's just that there are a million other ways to say something without so much sass! Ammiright? Maybe her work has really strict requirements on the uses of e-mail or she didn't get it right away b/c it was an address she doesn't check as frequently. Could she have said it nicer maybe but overall she probably just wanted to make sure you don't use that address again.

The other maids have commented on the way she comes across and I feel the need to say something but want to do it gently. Am I totally off base? Or have I encountered someone who may be a tad jealous/critical of someone else in the spotlight? If the other maids have a problem with how she comes across they should tell her themselves or just deal with it. This person is going to be in your life a long time so I'd be cautious being the person to say something to her. Also from what you've shared nothing she's done gives me the impression she's jealous, she's throwing you parties which doesn't sound like something a jealous person would do.

What should I do? Let it go. Accept your FSIL for who she is and appreciate the nice things she is trying to do for you. Let go of the flaws you see (coming across poorly, complaining about e-mail, etc..) because she's going to be around for a while.

Answers in bold.

OliveOilsMom

Knottie1462132504 said:

Ladies, (flantastic , AtomicBlonde , ILoveBeachMusic , MairePoppy , ShesSoCold)

Thanks for your input. 

To clarify: In regards to the appointment situation, we agreed on a date well in advance and she asked me to reschedule (along with others) because of the hair appointment. As with all electronic communication, it's difficult to go into too much explanation, etc. 

I guess I'm just a little over emotional and sensitive with all the activity. I'm trying to let this go. It helped hearing from emotionally removed sources, so thank you all!

The advice about dress shopping still stands.  Even though FSIL asked you to change your appointment, all you had to say was no and move on.  No is not a four letter word, so don't be afraid to use it.  Instead of being disappointed (or whatever feeling) at this situation try to find the laughter.  She wanted a bride to change her dress shopping event!  Unless she was the bride, she doesn't get to decide when you try on dresses.  I'm not saying to become a giant bridezilla, I'm just saying that you let the other party know you can't change the date and they will be missed.  "Friend, I'm so sorry, but I can't change my dress shopping.  I can't wait to see your hair after your appointment!"

Planning a wedding can be tough and it can be emotional.  You are basically planning the largest party you will ever host while getting ready to permanently declare yourself as someone's spouse.  That scenario has lots of room for emotions to come through.  Just try to figure out which ones demand your attention and which ones should roll off your back.

As PP said about the shower, its great if the host consults you, but it is not necessary.  I threw my sister a surprise bridal shower (its common in my family for showers to be a surprise).  She knew the date because I had invited her to a different function I knew she couldn't refuse.  It was also themed after something she loves.  I had already been helping her with the address list, since I married a year before her, so I already had all of the guests' addresses to send invitations.  Sometimes you just need to trust that the host of a shower will do everything as you would want.  She is supposed to be one of your nearest and dearest, so trust her to do what you would like.

It's a bummer your mom didn't make the e-party, but you can't dwell on that forever.  It's over and done with now.

MesmrEwe

In regard to the email sent to her work email - imagine she had just gotten out of a lecture from her superiors with her employment being threatened because someone sent her a personal email...  Obnoxious as it sounds - this is how strict some employers are about their email systems.  No personal emails means no personal emails..

MobKaz

@OliveOilsMom said,  "Planning a wedding can be tough and it can be emotional.  You are basically planning the largest party you will ever host while getting ready to permanently declare yourself as someone's spouse.  That scenario has lots of room for emotions to come through.  Just try to figure out which ones demand your attention and which ones should roll off your back."

Knottie1460327909

Is she married? If not, there could be a potential jealousy thing going on there.  Other than that she may just have some other stress in her life that is being reflected in these reactions.  If you've always got along, I wouldn't worry too much about it, it will likely pass.  If it doesn't, just ignore her attitude.  Your wedding is about you and your fiancé and ultimately that is all that is going to be remembered in the end.