Calling the whole thing off

OurWildKingdom

I'm done trying to make everyone happy and prove that I'm at least trying to make progress toward being responsible. Tonight I'm talking to FW and calling the wedding off, and then I'm ending my life. She's better off without me, and so is everyone else. 

Before you call me a drama queen, consider that I've struggled with depression my whole life and am out of fucks to give. Nothing helps and I'm not capable of getting better.

ETA: I'm not blaming anyone but myself.

MNNEBride

Wait!  Please talk to us (or someone)!

missJeanLouise

We are here for you!

mrsconn23

WHAT?! Wait?!  

Don't do this.  I seriously hope this is not true!!! Please, please, please talk to someone. 

bleve0821

Please talk to someone!

OurWildKingdom

I haven't been hacked, and this isn't a joke. I talked to FW, and once I get myself a bit more composed, I'm going to talk to my boss about taking some sick time.

6fsn

Please take the time and please go immediately for help. 

OliveOilsMom

@OurWildKingdom You are more valuable than you are giving yourself credit for.  Please talk to someone, even us.  This is not the solution. 

At least call the suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255

@KnotRiley @KnotHolly Can you please get to researching this and try to get some help sent? 

justsie

@OurWildKingdom what did your FW say? Did you tell her you were thinking of ending your life? I think she would want to know you are thinking about this so she can really talk to you about everything that is going on. Do you have anyone who you do feel comfortable talking to about how you feel?

MNNEBride

I know you think nothing will help and you will never get better, but PLEASE, PLEASE talk to someone and let them help you before you hurt yourself!

OurWildKingdom

justsie said:

@OurWildKingdom what did your FW say? Did you tell her you were thinking of ending your life? I think she would want to know you are thinking about this so she can really talk to you about everything that is going on. Do you have anyone who you do feel comfortable talking to about how you feel?

She said no matter how I'm feeling, she's here for me, and she says I need to go get professional help now,

MNNEBride

@OurWildKingdom , please believe your FW.  Do you have a professional that you have been working with or have worked with before?

mrsconn23

OurWildKingdom said:

justsie said:

@OurWildKingdom what did your FW say? Did you tell her you were thinking of ending your life? I think she would want to know you are thinking about this so she can really talk to you about everything that is going on. Do you have anyone who you do feel comfortable talking to about how you feel?

She said no matter how I'm feeling, she's here for me, and she says I need to go get professional help now,

She's right and please don't forget the depression lies.  It's insidious and makes you think it's your friend, but it's fucking lying to you.  I'm sending all the 'fuck depression' vibes your way.  Please get help ASAP and take care.  

justsie

OurWildKingdom said:

justsie said:

@OurWildKingdom what did your FW say? Did you tell her you were thinking of ending your life? I think she would want to know you are thinking about this so she can really talk to you about everything that is going on. Do you have anyone who you do feel comfortable talking to about how you feel?

She said no matter how I'm feeling, she's here for me, and she says I need to go get professional help now,

Are you considering doing that? I bet she will be happy to go with you if you ask her to. Have you ever attempted suicide before or considered it or is this the first time for you?

OurWildKingdom

MNNEBride said:

@OurWildKingdom , please believe your FW.  Do you have a professional that you have been working with or have worked with before?

I have a psychiatric nurse practitioner, but I don't have a therapist at the moment. I was given an appointment in two weeks but I'm supposed to be on vacation then. Looks like I'll be at that appointment after all.

justsie

OurWildKingdom said:

MNNEBride said:

@OurWildKingdom , please believe your FW.  Do you have a professional that you have been working with or have worked with before?

I have a psychiatric nurse practitioner, but I don't have a therapist at the moment. I was given an appointment in two weeks but I'm supposed to be on vacation then. Looks like I'll be at that appointment after all.

Can you call her or her office and let her know how you are feeling right now? They will probably adjust the appointment as it sounds like your needs are more immediate than what they may have thought when you made the appointment. 

ShesSoCold

@OurWildKingdom, please get help ASAP. Your work is (should be) required by law (isn't FMLA nation wide?) to hold your position and you do not need their okay first. Your health is more important than anything.

OurWildKingdom

justsie said:

OurWildKingdom said:

justsie said:

@OurWildKingdom what did your FW say? Did you tell her you were thinking of ending your life? I think she would want to know you are thinking about this so she can really talk to you about everything that is going on. Do you have anyone who you do feel comfortable talking to about how you feel?

She said no matter how I'm feeling, she's here for me, and she says I need to go get professional help now,

Are you considering doing that? I bet she will be happy to go with you if you ask her to. Have you ever attempted suicide before or considered it or is this the first time for you?

I've considered it many times, dating back to my teen years. I've been in the hospital five times and outpatient programs four times.

bleve0821

Is there any way you can get an appointment today, even if it's just a walk in?  And is there any way FW can go with you?

banana468

Can you please call that office and say that this is an emergency??

Please, please PLEASE talk to her or someone in that office.   

ShesSoCold

OWK, I don't know where to start. First off, fuck appointments. Go to the hospital. They can help you immediately.

I was sitting here thinking of how to put into words how I can relate and how "out of fucks to give" is a good place to be because now you can focus on yourself and yourself alone. But that doesn't matter. Professional help - immediately - is what matters right now.

NOLABridesmaid

We are all strangers to you, but we really don't want you to do something to hurt yourself. Please get help with your depression.

MNNEBride

Call your nurse practitioner now and tell them it's an emergency.  If there is any hesitation by them, please go to the nearest Emergency Room and tell them what you are thinking.

drglitter

You can't wait for an appointment. Go to the nearest hospital, NOW.

If you're not willing to do that, call the the suicide prevention hotline at

1-800-273-TALK

or you chat online with them, free, immediately at

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

Hell, you can call me. I'll PM you a phone #.

You might feel like this is your only option right now but it is NOT. Don't make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings.

VarunaTT

There is also the Trevor Project:  1-866-488-7386.

And yes, have FW take you to the ER.  They will help you, immediately.  And you need it.  Please do.  We are all strangers; I very much enjoy your posts and feel a kinship with you as part of the LGBTQ community.  Get the help you need.

charlotte989875

If the therapist won't give you an emergency appointment today go to the ER. 

Another option is an urgent care location; they will see you quickly and usually cheaper than an ER if that's a concern. 

Dont wait, please call someone that can help now. I know we're just internet strangers, but you are valuable to this community, to add to it in meaningful ways. You matter. 

princessleia22

I'm glad that you spoke to FW and she was able to give you some support.  But, I wanted to say that I hope you find the additional help and support that you need. Dealing with mental health issues are so difficult, especially when it is an ongoing chronic illness. Sadly, my family has history of a multitude of mental illnesses, most prevalent being depression and/or bi-polar.  I've seen many people in my life go through it and have seen the ongoing struggle it takes. Even when you do find professional help, the struggle continues and it's a big balancing act to find the right combination of the right medications and the right types of therapy to make life tolerable.  And it usually includes a lot of failed combinations and trial and error before the right balance is found.  But, don't lose hope.  Find help and pursue getting the right help until they find what works for you.  I'm a big proponent of searching for the right doctor and not being afraid to find another if one doesn't seem like the right fit for you. We have no problems shopping for the right car or the right house, that we should definitely be comfortable to shop for the right doctors, especially when our health and lives are at stake.  So, previous attempts at help may not have worked, so keep trying... find that right person that will stick with you and help solve this for you and help you get your life back on track. But, don't give up. I hope you find some ray of sunshine that can penetrate your darkness.   

OurWildKingdom

I'm OK. I talked to my boss, and her boss gave me a ride to the ER and waited with me till FW arrived. We're waiting for the psych nurse now.

*Barbie*

OurWildKingdom said:

justsie said:

@OurWildKingdom what did your FW say? Did you tell her you were thinking of ending your life? I think she would want to know you are thinking about this so she can really talk to you about everything that is going on. Do you have anyone who you do feel comfortable talking to about how you feel?

She said no matter how I'm feeling, she's here for me, and she says I need to go get professional help now,

Glad you're listening to FW and going to the hospital. I'm  thankful you have someone supportive. 

glasgowtolondon

OWK, let us know how you get on. Please know that you matter, you deserve help. Sending all the vibes your way.

bleve0821

OWK, I can't do anything but lend all of my support (for what it's worth, as a total stranger) to you.  I really, truly hope you get the help and support you need and that you become able to overcome and find hope and joy in your life again.  I am glad to hear you are taking steps in that direction.