Wedding Woes

Is my FI making me do things or am I discovering I like things because of him?

Dear Prudence,
I’ve been with a great guy for five years, and we’re planning to get married. Recently, I met up with an old college friend, and she pointed something out to me that my fiancé goes against my wishes a lot, and I usually go along with him. For some reason, I never noticed it until my friend pointed it out. One example: I was a vegetarian when we met. He isn’t. We now both eat meat. Another example: I’ve always hated the thought of diamond rings and said I’d never wear one. When he proposed, it was with a diamond ring. I accepted it and wear it. I guess on some level I never realized this sort of thing is happening. Is this something I need to be concerned about?

—Going With the Flow

Re: Is my FI making me do things or am I discovering I like things because of him?

  • I am reminded of Ann Perkins from Parks and Rec...  "I will have oatmeal and berries, and will have catfish and grits."

    If she never saw it as a problem, and she's happy with who she is when she's both alone and with her FI, I don't see how/why there is/could be a problem.  People grow and change within a relationship.

    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited June 2016
    College friend seems kinda judgey.  I mean, how much are they around to know about these things?  Are they going on some declarations she made back in college?  If so, that's silly.  There's all sorts of  "I never" statements I'm sure I made in my late teens and early 20's that do not hold water now.  

    He can't really go against her wishes re: food.  Unless he's force feeding her, she chose to eat a burger.  

    The ring? Well, if it wasn't what she wanted...then she should have said, "Can we exchange this?"  But if she loves the ring and likes wearing it, then OK. 
  • These don't seem like drastic changes to me and if she was happy with them before friend pointed them out then there isn't an issue.

    I'm a vegetarian and DH eats meat. He honestly eats a lot less meat now that we're together. I'm considering eating a small amount meat again if I do get pregnant but really that is for the baby, I just want it to have all the best nutrients and I want it to grow up and make a choice of it's own on what it wants to eat. I'll prob go back to veg after. Or maybe I'll decide I don't like the meat and will find another way. Either way it's my choice just as I'm assuming it was hers. I get it sometimes it's hard to cook for 2 if you eat two different things and when we go out DH can eat my food but I can rarely eat his. 

    As for the ring I've heard from a lot of people it wasn't what they would have picked but since their FI or new husband picked it out they love it. Maybe she can pick a wedding band that is more her style. 
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  • This is kind of dumb to me. I feel like every relationship changes a person to a certain degree, but she would know it if he was "forcing" her to like things.

    I mean, I never wanted a yellow gold ring with a round diamond, but guess what DH proposed with?? YEP! And I LOVE it. And he didn't force me to love it. It is possible to change your mind about things.

  • This just seems like such a non issue. Before I met FI I would never have sat through a cricket match, now I find they are actually quite fun. You get to drink a lot. You grow in a relationship, there are loads of things he now does because of me that I'm sure he never saw himself doing 5yrs ago. It's only a problem if she feels like he is trying to control her, which doesn't seem to be the case.

    Also, boo fucking hoo about having a diamond despite not being a diamond person. Seems like a bit of a leap on that one.
  • Yeah, there's a lot that can change. I hated horror movies with a passion in college -- I fully admit that even cheesey ones can send me into fetal position, ears covered and eyes closed. FI loves horror movies. He doesn't make me watch them, but I made myself sit through a few because I wanted to share in an interest of his.

    I used to complain that I did it just for him, but you know what? Two summers ago he was abroad for three months, and because I missed him, I found myself watching scary movies all summer and actually liked it because they reminded me of him. (I still hide under the blanket whenever there I anticipate spooky stuff, tho, ha!).

    It's one thing when a partner MAKES you do something. But love in a healthy relationship may gently change you, and that's okay. 


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  • Good points @glasgowtolondon and @tigerlily6

    I never thought I'd enjoy riding motorcycles, or going to the range, or watching football on Sunday's. But now I love those things and I'm thankful DH is willing to share his hobbies with me. Likewise I don't think he ever thought he'd paint canvases, or play with hamsters, or do yoga but those are things we do together now. I think it's healthy. 
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  • I used to think WWE was the cheesiest and dumbest thing ever - guess what is on the TV right now? I still think its cheesy but FI loves watching it and I don't mind watching the women's division and making fun of the men. He said no more cats after I adopted my first two - and he's currently petting and talking to our third cat.

    Sharing a life with someone is going to expand your tastes without "forcing" them. College friend needs to quit being judgy. 
  • I don't think LW needs to be too concerned unless she only changed because her FI said he wouldn't stay with her unless she started eating meat again, etc.  If FI was happy with her, as she was, and never made ultimatums for her to change herself, I don't see anything wrong with the "compromises" that LW made.

  • ...And the problem is?!?!?!?

    Now - FI wanted to go Skydiving so I started going with him because he told me to - or - FI said we're moving to BFN to live off the grid after we're married because he wants to... That's something to be concerned about.. A ring and a burger - pfft...

  • I think LW has grown and changed and like everyone has said here, opened their perspective a bit. Doesn't sound like college friend has. 
  • If the only changes are what LW mentioned, then I agree her friend is blowing things out of proportion. 

    But, I'm currently watching my mom morph more and more like the guy she's "dating" (he refuses to be exclusive after a year of seeing each other, and she's not happy with that).  More major things like, she's a life long democrat considering Trump because he likes him and now saying all women should have guns for protection after when I was little I wasn't allowed squirt guns.

    So I empathize with the friend for being concerned if it's more major things too.
  • Devils advocate here - remember that scene in Runaway Bride where Richard Gere tells Julie Roberts that she doesn't know how she likes her eggs?  Maybe LW is like that and her friend is being kind, but the history was left out of the story.

    I have a friend who doesn't know she likes her eggs.  Her favorite hobby changed with guys she dated.  She went from running, to drinking, to bike riding, to pool to whatever her husband does now (she moved out of country and we lost touch).  That's different than eating more or less meat and other small changes that naturally happen when you co-habitate and indicative of a bigger problem, IMO.
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