FMIL/FSIL Advice Needed

Knottie1441592892

So I'm not sure if I need to address this or if I  should let my mom and bridesmaids deal with this...  
My mother has done her very best to include my FMIL in the planning of my bridal shower. While I don't know the specifics, I have heard from a couple of my bridesmaids that FMIL and FSIL (who is also a bridesmaid), are very opionated and keep coming up with ideas that are far out there.  FMIL is older and tends to be old fashioned in her ideas and FSIL is selfish and always tries to monopolize every conversation. ***side note- FSIL is like that in general. She makes everything about her and what she wants (my wedding included); but I suppose that's for another post lol***
 Now I know my FI wants his mother to be involved, and he knows how his sister can be; but at what point (if any) should I say something to him. They make everyone else uncomfortable when they all meet, and then I hear about how they acted and feel bad. Our mothers went looking for dresses together, and even then FMIL kept inserting her opinions and drove my mother (and even the shop owner) nuts. I know if I do tell him he may get upset and not want to say anything out of respect for his mother which I would understand, but I just want my mother and the rest of my bridesmaids to feel comfortable. 

bleve0821

Knottie1441592892 said:

So I'm not sure if I need to address this or if I  should let my mom and bridesmaids deal with this...  
My mother has done her very best to include my FMIL in the planning of my bridal shower. While I don't know the specifics, I have heard from a couple of my bridesmaids that FMIL and FSIL (who is also a bridesmaid), are very opionated and keep coming up with ideas that are far out there.  FMIL is older and tends to be old fashioned in her ideas and FSIL is selfish and always tries to monopolize every conversation. ***side note- FSIL is like that in general. She makes everything about her and what she wants (my wedding included); but I suppose that's for another post lol***
 Now I know my FI wants his mother to be involved, and he knows how his sister can be; but at what point (if any) should I say something to him. They make everyone else uncomfortable when they all meet, and then I hear about how they acted and feel bad. Our mothers went looking for dresses together, and even then FMIL kept inserting her opinions and drove my mother (and even the shop owner) nuts. I know if I do tell him he may get upset and not want to say anything out of respect for his mother  which I would understand, but I just want my mother and the rest of my bridesmaids to feel comfortable. 

I'll start by saying that I think you should directly stay out of it and let your mother handle this herself.  She is under no obligation to go dress shopping with FMIL, and if that was an unpleasant experience, she's under no obligation to repeat it.  Sometimes, adults don't get along.  That's life.

If you mother alone is hosting the bridal shower, then she has 100% autonomy to do as she pleases with regards to the shower, and FMIL is a guest.  If FMIL is upset at the way your mother is handling the planning/execution of your bridal shower, she is welcome to host a second shower for you (which you are allowed to decline).

That being said, I do think you need to sit down with your FI and talk to him about this issue, since it sounds like it was directly caused by FI's insistence that FMIL be involved.  If he's not aware of these issues, you need to sit down with him and explain exactly what has been happening, and how this is putting additional and unwanted stress on both you and your mother.  Find another way for FMIL to be involved (if that's what SHE really wants).  Don't let him shut down the conversation.  Regardless of how "upset" your FI may get when you talk to him, he needs to either stop trying to force FMIL involvement on you and your family, or start running interference, even if it's just saying, "Hey, Mom, can you dial it back a little bit?  Knottie#s mom is getting really stressed, and it's starting to fall back on Knottie#s."  It's entirely possible FMIL has no idea her behavior is causing any kind of friction.  But the friction exists because of your FI's insistence that FMIL be involved in an event that he has zero participation in.  He needs to understand, respect, and acknowledge the impact this is having on both you and your mother--HIS FMIL.  He needs to respect your family, too.  If he can't do that, you have bigger issues.

Edited because something went wrong.

lnixon8

When you talk to FI stick to the facts and don't bring up that she is older, old fashioned, annoyed the shop owner... you're just asking for him to get defensive. You don't have to trash your own Mom in the process either but you can say the group dress shopping is stressing your Mom out. 

Can he think of other ways for her to be involved? Something where your FI is also involved? My Mom was great helping with my familys side of the seating chart but you could ask for song requests and opinions on things you don't actually care about (Do you like this font for the monogrammed napkins or this font?, Do you think the cake would look better with fresh peonies or fresh hydrangeas on it? etc.)

Jen4948

I might tell your FI, "While I realize you want your mother and sister to be involved in the wedding, unfortunately their behavior is antagonizing me and my mother. My mother is hosting the shower and it's entirely up to her how that goes. She also doesn't want to shop with your mother and sister. We need you to respect that. Any further involvement on their part in the wedding needs to be in ways that don't create any more friction. I'd appreciate it if you would let them know that."

If he doesn't respond well to that, then you have bigger issues that will need to be addressed.

OliveOilsMom

I think you need to speak with your FI and let him know that while he wants to have his mother involved in planning, it is not going so well in reality.  You can mention that his mom has been coming up with some ideas that are not fitting into the budget for the shower.  You can also mention that dress shopping with the moms was not very pleasant for your mother and that in the future your mom is going to shop separately.

There is no need for both of your moms to be BFFs.  They just need to be cordial with each other.  But that also means your mom doesn't have to be a doormat for FMIL's ideas and thoughts.  For the shower, FMIL thinks you need a chocolate fountain.  Your mom just simply replies, "that is a great idea Joyce, but I'm not sure its going to work out well with the venue we have."  For dress shopping, FMIL mentions that a dress is ugly.  Your mom just replies, "Well Joyce, it's a good thing you don't have to wear it!  I think its gorgeous and fits me well!"  I also think you should encourage your mom to not go shopping with FMIL anymore.  Encourage your mom to stand up for herself in a neutral manner that shouldn't cause any friction with between the two of them.

If your FI wants his mom involved, then get her involved in a project where your FI is also involved.  Then your FI can keep his mom reeled in and on target himself.

As for FSIL, if the BMs are helping to host the shower, you can't really suddenly keep her out of the planning.  So encourage your mom and other BMs to just take her comments in stride.  "FSIL, that is an interesting idea, but I think Knottie#s has a different style and would rather we do X."

Knottie1466018219

I'm sorry, dear.  If she is helping throw the shower, then she has every right to give input and contribute.  I know in-laws can trigger us.  Try to step back and see a different perspective.