Moms and Maids

Wedding

edited June 2016 in Moms and Maids
«134

Re: Wedding

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Some of this is on you, some of this is on your mother.

    As the hostess, your mother gets to decide who is invited. If she wanted to invite your niece, that was her prerogative. And it's not your mom's, MOHs', or sisters' job to help you address your invitations - that's your and your FI's job. And if your sisters really were taking a lot of time out of their lives to help with the shower, then expecting more of them was expecting too much. I think you need to let these things go.

    But as for the food, your mother was wrong to leave you with so little to eat and to yell at you over it.  That's on her.




    tigerlily6Knottie1452098987OurWildKingdom
  • Did not ask about my other wedding shower, but thanks for the advice anyway! I have the common sense and etiquette to know that the guest lists should not overlap unless it is immediate family and WP.  That is why there are 2 showers: 1 for a younger crowd and 1 for a different crowd.  

    We were all traumatized by the events of Orlando.  Orlando was a tragic event that hit my family personally.  I even took time out of the shower to honor all of the people that were senselessly killed.  I even thought about postponing the shower.   Orlando is still affecting all of us today.

    Regarding the invitations, my WP (sisters included) stated that they want to and will help with everything I need help.  This was the one and only thing that I have needed help with.  It was a time deadline.  I'm sorry if you didn't have such a gracious WP for your wedding.  If I feel frustrated or annoying by the way my sisters responded, then I'm entitled to feel that way.  Regardless of how you THINK I should feel.

    I think traumatized is an appropriate way of stating how I feel.  You don't have to like it that I feel this way.  You don't have to agree with it.  Perhaps you are a a stronger person than me. There is such a thing as emotional trauma.  "Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience."  When I'm made to feel guilty over not being able to eat the food, by my own mother, even after repeatedly thanking her for all that she has done with the shower, it fucks with your head and makes integrating emotions impossible.  

    I was unable to eat anything else.  I even asked if there was something else for me to eat.  I was given another rice krispie to help with the blood sugar.  It helped for an hour.  Then it dropped again.  That's when my fiance and I left the party--to get me some food.

    Seems like you have it all figured out.




  • ei34ei34 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree with PPs that it's not your BP's job to do special projects/rhinestone embellishment. 
    And I agree that the flower girl is a member of the wedding party- I've been to a handful of bridal showers where the only child was the flower girl (and I'll also go so far as to say that I've attended weddings with other children in attendance when my own were not invited...no biggie) - if guests get huffy at the sight of a child when their own wasn't invited, that's on them, not you.  I'm not totally positive why you're having a flower girl in your wedding when you and your FI cannot "feel comfortable being ourselves and not having to worry about kids running around" at a shower.
    I agree with you that having a fight with my mom, and seeing her with tears in her eyes would make me feel upset too.  Heartbroken and borderline traumatized, no, but to each their own.
    Also a helpful tip- during my pregnancies when my body had bad reactions to certain foods, I carried snacks and foods that I knew wouldn't make me ill, and I never had to worry about feeling hungry at parties, etc.  It's frustrating that your mom didn't have more gf/df food but since you've been living with these issues for 5 years now, and you possibly could for much longer, packing your own food will really help.  Not making light of your frustration on this particular issue, just trying to pass along something that helped me.

    Knottie1452098987
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2016
    Did not ask about my other wedding shower, but thanks for the advice anyway! I have the common sense and etiquette to know that the guest lists should not overlap unless it is immediate family and WP.  That is why there are 2 showers: 1 for a younger crowd and 1 for a different crowd.  

    We were all traumatized by the events of Orlando.  Orlando was a tragic event that hit my family personally.  I even took time out of the shower to honor all of the people that were senselessly killed.  I even thought about postponing the shower.   Orlando is still affecting all of us today.

    Regarding the invitations, my WP (sisters included) stated that they want to and will help with everything I need help.  This was the one and only thing that I have needed help with.  It was a time deadline.  I'm sorry if you didn't have such a gracious WP for your wedding.  If I feel frustrated or annoying by the way my sisters responded, then I'm entitled to feel that way.  Regardless of how you THINK I should feel.

    I think traumatized is an appropriate way of stating how I feel.  You don't have to like it that I feel this way.  You don't have to agree with it.  Perhaps you are a a stronger person than me. There is such a thing as emotional trauma.  "Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience."  When I'm made to feel guilty over not being able to eat the food, by my own mother, even after repeatedly thanking her for all that she has done with the shower, it fucks with your head and makes integrating emotions impossible.  

    I was unable to eat anything else.  I even asked if there was something else for me to eat.  I was given another rice krispie to help with the blood sugar.  It helped for an hour.  Then it dropped again.  That's when my fiance and I left the party--to get me some food.

    Seems like you have it all figured out.




    I'm going to have to disagree. I don't think you have quite the handle on it that you think you do. 

    My friends asked countless times if they could help with my wedding projects. I turned down each one. You know who did the projects? Me. And my husband. That's it. You shouldn't be "calling upon" your loved ones to help you complete these tasks. That's incredibly rude. 

    Nice try deleting things from your OP. You were already quoted, so thankfully we can still see what you originally posted. 

    Put your big girl undies on and move the fuck on regarding the shower. You're being totally over dramatic. You had people come out and give you gifts, and you're focusing on the food. Really? Doesn't that seem silly?



    Knottie1452098987PrettyGirlLost
  • edited June 2016
    You're a better person.  Congrats!  Your dress was beautiful. 
  • banana468 said:
    Am I the only one who now reads this as no issues with anyone other than food?

    It looks like so much has been redacted from this post you'd think it was Dick Cheney's bridal shower.


    So the only main issue I can see is that mom either has no idea about the severity of your food issues, she knows and doesn't care or she's just flaky.

    But if everything else about your shower was great except the food I'd try to move on from this.

    If you know that you  have blood sugar issues why didn't you grab the food you could eat when you were filling your plate?    If I started to feel off I would have walked into the kitchen to figure out what I could eat or I would have asked someone even my SO to run out and grab some food that I could consume.   It's no fun to feel like you're about to pass out but I think you're not seeing the forest for the trees here.
    Thank you so much for replying with kindness.  Yes, she does know and yes she is flaky.  The part that upsets me the most is her response to my food limitations.  I thanked her repeatedly for her graciousness around everything else she did.  Yet, she chose to blame me for my own food restrictions and chose to be mean and cold to me throughout the whole party.  Which is sad because that doesn't serve as beautiful memories.

    I did take everything I could eat.  When I finished my plate, I realized that I was still hungry.  I went back for me yet it was all gone.

    I did not bring extra food for me because I was told that there would be tons of food.  I even requested that there be food for me to eat.  Unfortunately, I trusted that that would be the case and I was wrong.  
  • Only you know your mom.   But it sounds like her flakiness and lack of understanding meant that you couldn't eat.   And when you brought that to her attention it was too late.   Once you arrived there wasn't anything she could do but be defensive.   

    I can only imagine being hangry and ready to PTFO while in my parents' home unable to eat a thing.   The scenario sucks.    

    BUT, if it's at all possible, try to remember the nice things she DID do.

    And in the future, can you do things like keep a supply of nuts in your purse?
    [Deleted User]ernursejKnottie1452098987
  • You're a better person.  Congrats!  Your dress was beautiful.  
    Enough with the dramatics already.  No one is making any assumptions about what type of person you are.  We are simply saying, take a step back, have a gluten free cupcake and margarita and put this into perspective.  If 10 years from now you look back on your shower and only remember the fight with your mom and lack of brisket instead of time spent with the friends and family who gave up a portion of their day and hard earned money to celebrate with you, you're looking at it wrong.



    I'm sorry you seem to think I wasn't being sincere and was just being dramatic.  It's always more difficult to get tone across in typing.  My tone was sincere.  Seems like everyone else is looking for drama that is replying.  It's really sad as we all are/were brides. Things get so much more heightened while planning/having a wedding and it's just such a relief to be able to come get support in a kind, compassionate way when the going gets tough.  Seriously, though....Props to those who don't let things like this bother them and can control their emotional response!  
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    You're a better person.  Congrats!  Your dress was beautiful.  
    Enough with the dramatics already.  No one is making any assumptions about what type of person you are.  We are simply saying, take a step back, have a gluten free cupcake and margarita and put this into perspective.  If 10 years from now you look back on your shower and only remember the fight with your mom and lack of brisket instead of time spent with the friends and family who gave up a portion of their day and hard earned money to celebrate with you, you're looking at it wrong.



    I'm sorry you seem to think I wasn't being sincere and was just being dramatic.  It's always more difficult to get tone across in typing.  My tone was sincere.  Seems like everyone else is looking for drama that is replying.  It's really sad as we all are/were brides. Things get so much more heightened while planning/having a wedding and it's just such a relief to be able to come get support in a kind, compassionate way when the going gets tough.  Seriously, though....Props to those who don't let things like this bother them and can control their emotional response!  
    They don't have to though.  Wedding planning is only different than normal life because people realized they can make a ton of money by making women think they have to have a TV show ready wedding with friend slaves.  It's not that different in reality.  How you react to things will greatly determine their outcome.  There's only drama if you allow it to be.

    As I said in my original post, you don't have a wedding problem, you have a mom problem.  As I previously asked, is she always like this?  Has she always disrespected your new dietary needs?  What do the both of you do when she hosts family dinners?  You either need to find a way to explain to your mom the severity of your diet restrictions or always plan on packing  your own food when she hosts.

    I'm a psycho about making sure I have options for all of my company when I host something; probably because I work in catering on the side so I know how important food safety and allergies are.  I think it's shitty that your mom disrespects you and your health like that.   But you have a say in how you respond and react to it and whatever you have been doing clearly isn't working.
    image
    glasgowtolondoncharlotte989875ei34
  • abl13abl13 member
    Fifth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper

    These issues are SO trivial. Please read the news and gain some perspective.

    You should know by now that if you have a condition requiring that you eat only certain types of food that you should bring snacks with you in the event that you aren't able to eat the food provided. Yes it sucks that your mom didn't provide food you could eat but it sounds like there are issues with her from before the shower so..... you probably could benefit from lowered expectations.

  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I can also only see the "trimmed down" post.

    OP- I think you need to separate the wedding/shower from your mom. While the food sucked, and I can understand being hangry (I get hangry really easy), you still enjoyed a party with your friends and family- focus on that.

    As for your mother, from what you've said, this isn't the first time this issue has come up. Again, take the wedding out and realize your mom isn't going to be any different. Does it suck? Yes. As a host, I like to make sure there is something for everyone to eat.

    I have a couple of friends who also have dietary issues (dairy allergy/ gluten free, gluten free vegan) and both have said they have some issues with certain family members. Either outward judgement or passive comments. Often it comes down to the person either not understanding the severity or not understand how/what to make.

    My friends have had to be very particular and ask, "What EXACTLY did you use to make this?". A lot of it comes down to the host, but my friends have said their family will ask, "What can I make for you?", "What can I use instead of X?". In the case of family members who they know just don't "get it", they say that they always offer to bring a side that they know they can eat. Of course you shouldn't be bringing food to your own shower, but maybe you just need to accept that when you go to your mom's you know you need to bring some snacks. Or for your next shower, ask one of your aunts if they can make X dish.
    Knottie1452098987
  • kylexokylexo Finger Lakes, NY member
    500 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    there is a lot to unpack here, but how are you eating rice krispies treats if you're DF? they are full of butter.

    ETA: TREATS
    ei34Knottie1452098987MesmrEwe
  • So did a mod edit the quoted post? There was no identifying info in the post? Can posters ask mods to just change posts after they have been quoted if they don't like the responses?
  • OP yes i do agree that it is frustrating that you were hungry and didn't feel like your mother catered for you, that is upsetting have a cry and move on though. A lot of things in life really do not matter.

    You cannot help how you feel but you can help how you react to them, if you had an allergic reaction or you had to go to hospital because your blood sugar dropped so low then yes that could definitely ruin your shower but it didn't. You didn't get enough to eat and then drove home and ate, problem solved!

    Next time you feel that you're getting overwhelmed just put it in perspective and say to yourself 'a lot of things in life don't matter.' Talk with your mum and simply tell her that it upset you that you weren't catered for and for future reference you would appreciate it if you were told before what was being served so that you can eat before if you need to.

    Not trying to sound rude but honestly if you feel that this is a traumatic event then i hope you don't have anything actually traumatic happen in your life.
    SP29Knottie1452098987
  • KnotRileyKnotRiley New York, NY admin
    Moderator 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary
    Hey All,

    I wanted to let you know I was the one who edited the post (mods had nothing to do with this). It's not my policy to do so, ever. However, I got push back from my upper upper management that I had to address and unfortunately in this instance my hands were tied. I understand why you're upset, I'm not happy about it either. It's something I'm speaking to my manager about today.

    Let me know if you have any questions.
    MairePoppy
  • KnotRileyKnotRiley New York, NY admin
    Moderator 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary
    KnotRiley said:
    Hey All,

    I wanted to let you know I was the one who edited the post (mods had nothing to do with this). It's not my policy to do so, ever. However, I got push back from my upper upper management that I had to address and unfortunately in this instance my hands were tied. I understand why you're upset, I'm not happy about it either. It's something I'm speaking to my manager about today.

    Let me know if you have any questions.
    This literally makes no sense. Tons of knottie#s convene here to whine that their friend slaves aren't helpful, but this one is super speshul?
    I know it doesn't make much sense, I'm just as annoyed as you are about this. I'm making it a point to not allow this to happen again but I had to unfortunately do what I was asked yesterday. 
    Knottie1452098987
  • Thanks @KnotRiley for the explanation, I appreciate the transparency. I understand you had to do what you were being told to.

    Any idea why this post was told to be edited when there wasn't anything offensive or had details that were identifying, which has been the standard (at least that's my understanding)? 
    Knottie1452098987
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    kylexo said:
    KnotRiley said:
    KnotRiley said:
    Hey All,

    I wanted to let you know I was the one who edited the post (mods had nothing to do with this). It's not my policy to do so, ever. However, I got push back from my upper upper management that I had to address and unfortunately in this instance my hands were tied. I understand why you're upset, I'm not happy about it either. It's something I'm speaking to my manager about today.

    Let me know if you have any questions.
    This literally makes no sense. Tons of knottie#s convene here to whine that their friend slaves aren't helpful, but this one is super speshul?
    I know it doesn't make much sense, I'm just as annoyed as you are about this. I'm making it a point to not allow this to happen again but I had to unfortunately do what I was asked yesterday. 
    Thanks for the transparency here, but tell your managers we'd prefer not to be wedding wired here.

    And I read the original OP.  There was no identifying info.  She mentioned her brother's daughter and her sisters.  She never named names.  Everything was in generalities.  She is also a Knottie#, there are tons of them floating around on this board.  How was anyone supposed to figure out who the "real" Knottie# was?
    Knottie1452098987DrillSergeantCat
  • KnotRileyKnotRiley New York, NY admin
    Moderator 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary
    edited June 2016
    @charlotte989875 essentially myself and KH are the only ones in the company who really handle anything community related on The Knot. Somehow the request for editing the quoted posts got escalated beyond even my manager, to people in the company who don't know/understand the protocol. Although I tried to explain it (and explain the ramifications) they continued to push me to do it. I plan on sending all of them your responses to this, as I think it's important for them not just to hear from me, but to understand how something like this impacts the community.

    ETA: @OliveOilsMom we also updated her username to a generic Knottie#'s it was originally more identifying 
    SP29
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