Did I do the right thing?

Knottie1447642488

Hey guys I need some advice.

 

About 8 months ago my fiance and I were choosing our wedding party and knowing that my fiance didn’t have a lot of friends, he asked two guys to be his groomsmen that we had meet through some other friends. They accepted even though they are not that close to my fiance. Shortly after my fiance and I moved to a new city about 100 miles away and I could see he was getting frustrated that these guys weren’t making a large effort to keep up with him. One of the groomsmen is also getting married around the same time we are and had his bachelor party a couple of weeks ago, not inviting my fiance because he stated that he only invited his own groomsmen, which my fiance is not.  My fiance was hurt by this and decided that he needed to kick the other groom to be and his friend, the other groomsmen out of the wedding party because he felt like they had drifted apart.

 

We have a shower coming up in about two weeks and we didn’t want anything to be awkward so my fiance sent both guys a text stating that he felt there was some tension and that he was going to go ahead and kick them out of the wedding party and thanked them for originally saying yes. I also went ahead and sent a text to the groomsmans fiancee saying I was uninviting her from my bachelorette party and going to send her money back. I also told her I hoped there was no hard feelings. We didn’t want anything to be awkward at any of our showers, parties or the wedding itself so we went ahead and uninvited the two groomsmen and the fiancee to all wedding events including the wedding itself. Did we do the right thing?

 

I know people keep telling me its my wedding and we can do whatever we want but I’m just not sure.

holyguacamole79

Knottie1447642488 said:

Hey guys I need some advice.

 

About 8 months ago my fiance and I were choosing our wedding party and knowing that my fiance didn’t have a lot of friends, he asked two guys to be his groomsmen that we had meet through some other friends. They accepted even though they are not that close to my fiance. Shortly after my fiance and I moved to a new city about 100 miles away and I could see he was getting frustrated that these guys weren’t making a large effort to keep up with him. One of the groomsmen is also getting married around the same time we are and had his bachelor party a couple of weeks ago, not inviting my fiance because he stated that he only invited his own groomsmen, which my fiance is not.  My fiance was hurt by this and decided that he needed to kick the other groom to be and his friend, the other groomsmen out of the wedding party because he felt like they had drifted apart.

 

We have a shower coming up in about two weeks and we didn’t want anything to be awkward so my fiance sent both guys a text stating that he felt there was some tension and that he was going to go ahead and kick them out of the wedding party and thanked them for originally saying yes. I also went ahead and sent a text to the groomsmans fiancee saying I was uninviting her from my bachelorette party and going to send her money back. I also told her I hoped there was no hard feelings. We didn’t want anything to be awkward at any of our showers, parties or the wedding itself so we went ahead and uninvited the two groomsmen and the fiancee to all wedding events including the wedding itself. Did we do the right thing?

 

I know people keep telling me its my wedding and we can do whatever we want but I’m just not sure.

Listen to your gut.  What's done is done, but it will be quite difficult to salvage these friendships after kicking them out.  

Also, stop communicating via text for matters this sensitive.  A lot can be misread without tone.

charlotte989875

Did you guys do the right thing by kicking people out of your wedding party? I mean sure, if your plan was to sever friendships with these people, and possibly other people that are in your WP that are friends with the former GM, then yes?

You don't have to keep up friendships with people of you don't want to, but this seems like a pretty dramatic response to someone not being invited to someone else's party. 

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1447642488 said:

Hey guys I need some advice.

 

About 8 months ago my fiance and I were choosing our wedding party and knowing that my fiance didn’t have a lot of friends, he asked two guys to be his groomsmen that we had meet through some other friends. They accepted even though they are not that close to my fiance. Shortly after my fiance and I moved to a new city about 100 miles away and I could see he was getting frustrated that these guys weren’t making a large effort to keep up with him. One of the groomsmen is also getting married around the same time we are and had his bachelor party a couple of weeks ago, not inviting my fiance because he stated that he only invited his own groomsmen, which my fiance is not.  My fiance was hurt by this and decided that he needed to kick the other groom to be and his friend, the other groomsmen out of the wedding party because he felt like they had drifted apart.

 

We have a shower coming up in about two weeks and we didn’t want anything to be awkward so my fiance sent both guys a text stating that he felt there was some tension and that he was going to go ahead and kick them out of the wedding party and thanked them for originally saying yes. I also went ahead and sent a text to the groomsmans fiancee saying I was uninviting her from my bachelorette party and going to send her money back. I also told her I hoped there was no hard feelings. We didn’t want anything to be awkward at any of our showers, parties or the wedding itself so we went ahead and uninvited the two groomsmen and the fiancee to all wedding events including the wedding itself. Did we do the right thing?

 

I know people keep telling me its my wedding and we can do whatever we want but I’m just not sure.

Wow. What did the ex groomsmen say when your FI text them to tell them this? I mean, I think you guys have behaved very poorly, but if you don't care about how you treat these men and the consequences for any relationship in the future then I guess you might as well go the whole hog. 

Out of curiosity, do you really believe that there will be 'no hard feelings' here?

kimmiinthemitten

I think you know the answer to this or you wouldn't be asking.

How would you feel if asked to be in a WP and then kicked out for arbitrary reasons?  Or if you prepaid the costs for a party a group of female friends and acquaintances were attending only to have your money returned?

Knottie1447642488

They wondered where all this was coming from and wanted an explanation. My FI never gave them one.

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1447642488 said:

They wondered where all this was coming from and wanted an explanation. My FI never gave them one.

Right. I'm not surprised. Do you guys think you did the right thing?

Whats done is done, but like @kimmiinthemitten says, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

ShesSoCold

Did you do the right thing?!?!?!?

No! Not even a little bit.

kimmiinthemitten

Knottie1447642488 said:

They wondered where all this was coming from and wanted an explanation. My FI never gave them one.

It's fairly well understood that kicking someone out of the bridal party can be a friendship ending move so they're probably wondering what they did to cause that.

Knottie1447642488

kimmiinthemitten said:

I think you know the answer to this or you wouldn't be asking.

How would you feel if asked to be in a WP and then kicked out for arbitrary reasons?  Or if you prepaid the costs for a party a group of female friends and acquaintances were attending only to have your money returned?

I was saving her the awkwardness of coming once my FI asked her FI to leave the wedding. I figured it was best for both of us

holyguacamole79

Knottie1447642488 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I think you know the answer to this or you wouldn't be asking.

How would you feel if asked to be in a WP and then kicked out for arbitrary reasons?  Or if you prepaid the costs for a party a group of female friends and acquaintances were attending only to have your money returned?

I was saving her the awkwardness of coming once my FI asked her FI to leave the wedding. I figured it was best for both of us

Let her decide that for herself.   

JediElizabeth

Knottie1447642488 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I think you know the answer to this or you wouldn't be asking.

How would you feel if asked to be in a WP and then kicked out for arbitrary reasons?  Or if you prepaid the costs for a party a group of female friends and acquaintances were attending only to have your money returned?

I was saving her the awkwardness of coming once my FI asked her FI to leave the wedding. I figured it was best for both of us

At the very least, you owed (and still owe) her the respect of a call. Your FI certainly owes his ex-groomsmen (ex-friends?) the respect of a call and a conversation. A well written letter at the very least, but that's a cowardly response. 

Were you actually friends with this woman, or was she just a BM because her boyfriend was a GM? If the former, her place in the wedding should not have had anything to do with him. If the latter (which I suspect), she shouldn't have been a BM anyway, and the bad decisions started quite a while ago.

JediElizabeth

JediElizabeth said:

Knottie1447642488 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I think you know the answer to this or you wouldn't be asking.

How would you feel if asked to be in a WP and then kicked out for arbitrary reasons?  Or if you prepaid the costs for a party a group of female friends and acquaintances were attending only to have your money returned?

I was saving her the awkwardness of coming once my FI asked her FI to leave the wedding. I figured it was best for both of us

At the very least, you owed (and still owe) her the respect of a call. Your FI certainly owes his ex-groomsmen (ex-friends?) the respect of a call and a conversation. A well written letter at the very least, but that's a cowardly response. 

Were you actually friends with this woman, or was she just a BM because her boyfriend was a GM? If the former, her place in the wedding should not have had anything to do with him. If the latter (which I suspect), she shouldn't have been a BM anyway, and the bad decisions started quite a while ago.

Sorry...in my Monday slump, I misread "bachelorette party" as "bridal party" - the first part still stands though.

SP29

Kicking someone out of your WP is a friendship-ending move, so if that was your goal, then you did the right thing!

I do think that your FI owes these men a phone call and an explanation, "It seems like we've drifted apart and I think the best thing is to end our friendship and move on our separate ways". Do not expect to salvage any sort of relationship here.

kimmiinthemitten

Knottie1447642488 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I think you know the answer to this or you wouldn't be asking.

How would you feel if asked to be in a WP and then kicked out for arbitrary reasons?  Or if you prepaid the costs for a party a group of female friends and acquaintances were attending only to have your money returned?

I was saving her the awkwardness of coming once my FI asked her FI to leave the wedding. I figured it was best for both of us

Again, then you knew then what you and your FI did was wrong and hurtful otherwise there would be no awkwardness involved.

AddieCake

Nope. You did NOT do the right thing.

Jen4948

It was only the right thing to do if you wanted to burn your bridges with these people - because that's what you did.

MesmrEwe

Why is picking up the phone to call people SO HARD!?!? 

OP - you already know your answer when you texted these people on something like this!  There are just enough red flags to go around - you ask people randomly to be in your WP then text to say "you're out", really?  For the future - pick up the phone, if it's awkward, it's awkward for a darn good reason!

geebee908

MesmrEwe said:

Why is picking up the phone to call people SO HARD!?!? 

Where has all the maturity gone? If you're an adult you don't communicate these things via text.

CMGragain

Well, after all, you are the BRIDE AND GROOM, and it will be YOUR DAY!  Of course this means that you can ignore polite behavior and be totally rude to people who were kind enough to accept being in your wedding  party "even though they were not that close" to your fiance!  So, why did you ask them in the first place?

This is all on the two of you.  I am really glad to not be one of your "friends".  You don't seem to value them very highly.

Are you insulted?  Just think about how those people feel after being brushed off with a text message!

CMGragain

Knottie1447642488 said:

Hey guys I need some advice.

 

About 8 months ago my fiance and I were choosing our wedding party and knowing that my fiance didn’t have a lot of friends, he asked two guys to be his groomsmen that we had meet through some other friends. They accepted even though they are not that close to my fiance. Shortly after my fiance and I moved to a new city about 100 miles away and I could see he was getting frustrated that these guys weren’t making a large effort to keep up with him. One of the groomsmen is also getting married around the same time we are and had his bachelor party a couple of weeks ago, not inviting my fiance because he stated that he only invited his own groomsmen, which my fiance is not.  My fiance was hurt by this and decided that he needed to kick the other groom to be and his friend, the other groomsmen out of the wedding party because he felt like they had drifted apart.

 

We have a shower coming up in about two weeks and we didn’t want anything to be awkward so my fiance sent both guys a text stating that he felt there was some tension and that he was going to go ahead and kick them out of the wedding party and thanked them for originally saying yes. I also went ahead and sent a text to the groomsmans fiancee saying I was uninviting her from my bachelorette party and going to send her money back. I also told her I hoped there was no hard feelings. We didn’t want anything to be awkward at any of our showers, parties or the wedding itself so we went ahead and uninvited the two groomsmen and the fiancee to all wedding events including the wedding itself. Did we do the right thing?

 

I know people keep telling me its my wedding and we can do whatever we want but I’m just not sure.

Who the hell told you THAT!  You didn't read it here, that is for sure!  It is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!

levioosa

Holy shit.  So, just because these people weren't doing enough for you and your FI, you guys kicked them out....with a text, no less.  I think they're better off without you as "friends."  

And...are you planning your own bachelorette party?  You said you were going to send the GF back her money...why do you have her money?  You shouldn't be planning or hosting your own bachelorette party.  It is very rude to throw a party in your own honor.  

Viczaesar

Did you do the right thing?  No, you pretty much looked the right thing in the eye, turned 180 degrees, and ran hell-bent for leather in the opposite direction.

climbingsingle

Wow. For a moment there, I was actually at a loss for words. 

You treated these people horribly, so no, you did not do the right thing. For these people though, at least they got to see your (you and your FI) true colors. I guess there's the silver lining for them. 

Whomever told you that you "can do whatever you want", gave you awful, terrible advice. You can't shit all over people just because you're throwing a party, which is really what this boils down to. 

flantastic

I'm pretty sure all this came out of a misunderstanding of both weddings and friendship. 

People are not supposed to contact you X number of times per week if they are in your bridal party. It's not a role that makes you obligatory friends. And if you're not actually that close with someone, it makes sense they might not keep up with you that much once you move. That's life. I've also heard that in a surprisingly large number of cases, the people that consider someone to be their best friend(s) don't have that reciprocated in the other person's mind. So if your FI doesn't have that many friends, it's quite possible that he entered the outer circle of a guy who has lots of friends, and the people that that guy considers to be his inner circle are his own wedding party. Happens all the time. Again, having asked someone to be a GM doesn't automatically put you on their "Friend Level: GM." The guy even gave your FI a reasonable explanation for not having invited him (keeping it to GMs), which he didn't have to do.

Your FI sounds pretty insecure about how close he is to these guys, which prompted a pretty over-the-top friendship ending move: kicking them out. It was a totally disproportionate reaction. So I'm not at all surprised the guys were confused. Your FI owes them a call, and also an apology, and even then they may well still think he's a little bonkers.

I'm also with PP who wonders why you have the girl's money to give back. (I do understand you didn't uninvite her out of malice, but really was there a right thing to do in that situation?) If no one offers you a bachelorette party, you don't plan your own - you don't have one. You shouldn't be planning a party in your own honor. It sounds like you and your FI may both be too concerned with your role as the BRIDE and GROOM and that this requires more of people's attention than would naturally come from your friendships.

CraftyG

Knottie1447642488 said:

They wondered where all this was coming from and wanted an explanation. My FI never gave them one.

Stuck in the box

Firstly they do deserve an explanation. Imagine if you were a bridesmaid and kicked out of a wedding party with no explanation via text, wouldn't you want to know why?

Also for uninviting the gf to the party she is an adult and can make that decision for herself. She may have wanted to come simply to show that there were no hard feelings but you may have just created more awkardness.

I would personally apologise to everyone immediately, or at least give them a phone call as soon as you can!

*Edited because my post got swallowed*

kahluakoala

Wow OP - I hate to be this girl, but it doesn't surprise me that your FI doesn't have many friends

thisismynickname2

KahluaKoala said:

Wow OP - I hate to be this girl, but it doesn't surprise me that your FI doesn't have many friends

Yeah... those were my thoughts exactly too. 

STARMOON44

None of this is the right thing. Every time you guys made a decision, it was wrong. 

Heffalump

thisismynickname said:

KahluaKoala said:

Wow OP - I hate to be this girl, but it doesn't surprise me that your FI doesn't have many friends

Yeah... those were my thoughts exactly too. 

Y'all said it so I didn't have to.

MyNameIsNot

You're so worried about awkwardness at your own parties, but have you stopped to think about the awkwardness that your other friends are going to feel?  

If I had introduced two friends and one quickly asked the other to be in his/her WP, I would think it was weird. But then if said friend started acting like your FI has and kicked the other out, I would be mortified and seriously considering my friendship with said nut. 

Obviously, you both need to do some damage control. It may be too late to sever any relationship with the former GMs, but consider the mutual friends who've been watching this absurdity. And I'm going to go ahead and say it. Your FI's behavior is exceptionally immature here. If this is a pattern, You may want to give that some serious thought.