Etiquette on Readings

ScottishSarah

Hi ladies, quick question...

A family members SO offered to do a reading at our wedding.  She ends up doing these at every wedding she attends as she enjoys them.  

FI was offended and thought that she was trying to take over our ceremony.  I agreed with him, so we told her we were not doing any readings at all.  This was to avoid an uncomfortable situation where she might feel snubbed if someone else did one but we had turned down her offer.

What is the etiquette on readings?  Are you meant to wait till you're asked, or are you meant to offer.  

Is it the same for toasts?  

Just curious really.  TIA xx

If possible could you please not quote the above just in case I find out later she is on here!  

ILoveBeachMusic

I think for readings the person should wait to be asked since that is often how a friend/family member is included in the ceremony. As for toast, I think the person should offer not be asked.

STARMOON44

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. No need to try and avoid her feeling snubbed. She offered to do something- if you don't want her to just say no thank you. 

JaxInBlue

I agree with BeachMusic.  I see readings as part of the ceremony and not something that is any of my business as a guest.  I know in planning our wedding, DH and I knew pretty earlier on which readings we wanted, but it took us a little bit longer to figure out who to ask.  I'd have been flustered if someone volunteered her-/himself!

lnixon8

Not sure if America has different connotations with the word "offended" but that seems a little much...

thisismynickname2

It's kind of socially awkward, but not offensive. I don't think people should offer to read; the couple should ask. 

I actually think toasts are a gray area, because of tradition. Traditionally, a father of a bride and a best man are assumed to be making toasts as part of their roles. In these more modern days, often an MOH does too. So I can see the couple asking these folks if they want to give a toast. But someone who doesn't have that kind of role, I wouldn't ask them to give a toast and would simply accept any offers or not have toasts at all. 

charlotte989875

I wouldn't be offended if someone offered, but I also would not feel obligated to take them up on the offer. I see readings as part of the ceremony and as such on the B&G to ask people to participate. 

JediElizabeth

I'd be weirded out if someone offered to read, unless it was close family.

It's AWish at best (esp since she's an SO and not someone you're close to), and awkward at worst - especially if she's the type to make a big deal about "no."

ScottishSarah

Thanks ladies, you see she would defiantly be offended, I know this from previous behaviour.  So we decided the best thing would be not to have any readers at all.

Plus my FI said he would prefer that if there were any readings that we read to each other.

As far as toasts go, I agree @thisismynickname in that it's a grey area.  In the UK there is a tradition that the toasts are given by the FOB, the groom and the best man.  Therefore if you are in this role it is expected that you will toast.  I haven't specifically asked my father and the best man but they have already told me about their toast.  

Any other toasts I would expect to ask the person, not for them to offer, but I do see American websites saying it should be the other way round.  

SaintPaulGal

I think it's best to wait to be asked, but I wouldn't be offended if someone offered.  I would just let them know that I appreciated the sentiment but it won't be necessary.  It's weird to be insistent or be put out if you offer and the couple declines.

SP29

I think it's weird THIS person offered to do a reading for you, doesn't sound like she is particularly close to either yourself your FH.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be offended if someone offered, but I also wouldn't feel bad about saying no.

We asked my SIL if she would do a reading.

levioosa

I probably would have said something like, "That is so sweet and thoughtful of you!  However, we already have the ceremony all taken care of."

I agree that you shouldn't ask to do a reading.  It's just kind of awkward.  

ScottishSarah

Maybe offended is the wrong word? 
She basically has issues with turning every event all about her and FI doesn't want that during our ceremony.

At my sisters wedding she insisted on doing a reading, then started being a total diva in hair and make up.  It was so bad it was commented on to me later by the hairdresser and photographer, who couldn't believe someone who wasn't even a bridesmaid was making such a fuss.

Jen4948

I think one should wait until asked to do a reading, but I wouldn't be offended by someone asking me if they could do a reading at my wedding. If my FI and I weren't okay with it, we'd just say, "Thanks for asking, but we've planned the ceremony and have things under control. We've already chosen who we want to be in the wedding party, but we hope you can come and are looking forward to seeing you."