Not really a 911, but wasn't sure where else to post - family issue, how to handle?

kylexo

Hey all,

We are 5 weeks out from the wedding! (yay!) Everything is coming together and I'm pretty excited about everything except one family issue that is making me a little nervous.

My grandpa and his wife (not my grandma) were invited to the wedding. He lives in assisted living, he's got Alzheimer's and hasn't known who I am for a couple years now (but weirdly knows FI, probably not who he is, but always his name). Grandpa's wife RSVPed 'No' for both of them (there is some drama between wife and my mom and her sisters related to how wife has dealt with Grandpas illness, she probably felt awkward about attending), I figured it was probably for the best as travel and being outside are difficult for him and lots of people around would be very confusing.

One of my Aunts decides that she thinks it would be really meaningful to my Grandpa to be able to attend and wants to hire an aid to bring him to the wedding and assist him. She'd only have him stay for the ceremony and cocktail hour. My mom thinks it's a bad idea and after talking about it with her, I agree. She and my Aunt took my grandpa out for Father's day last weekend and the warm weather made him lightheaded and he was confused and upset because his memory was particularly bad that day. Mom is worried that would be the case at the wedding too, is concerned that even if an aid is there to help grandpa that she'll be worrying about him the whole time rather than enjoying her daughter get married, and god forbid there were some medical emergency, the venue is VERY rural. Now mom and my aunt are fighting about it. I agree with my mom, but since he was invited I can't really rescind his invitation, right? What should I do?

MobKaz

kylexo said:

Hey all,

We are 5 weeks out from the wedding! (yay!) Everything is coming together and I'm pretty excited about everything except one family issue that is making me a little nervous.

My grandpa and his wife (not my grandma) were invited to the wedding. He lives in assisted living, he's got Alzheimer's and hasn't known who I am for a couple years now (but weirdly knows FI, probably not who he is, but always his name). Grandpa's wife RSVPed 'No' for both of them (there is some drama between wife and my mom and her sisters related to how wife has dealt with Grandpas illness, she probably felt awkward about attending), I figured it was probably for the best as travel and being outside are difficult for him and lots of people around would be very confusing.

One of my Aunts decides that she thinks it would be really meaningful to my Grandpa to be able to attend and wants to hire an aid to bring him to the wedding and assist him. She'd only have him stay for the ceremony and cocktail hour. My mom thinks it's a bad idea and after talking about it with her, I agree. She and my Aunt took my grandpa out for Father's day last weekend and the warm weather made him lightheaded and he was confused and upset because his memory was particularly bad that day. Mom is worried that would be the case at the wedding too, is concerned that even if an aid is there to help grandpa that she'll be worrying about him the whole time rather than enjoying her daughter get married, and god forbid there were some medical emergency, the venue is VERY rural. Now mom and my aunt are fighting about it. I agree with my mom, but since he was invited I can't really rescind his invitation, right? What should I do?

If your grandfather's wife declined the invitation, it is SHE who has the say in this matter.  I don't see how the opinion of your aunt or mom matters.  I do know that familiarity is the most secure aspect in the life of someone with Alzheimers, and I cannot imagine a random aide would be of much help to your grandfather.  In addition to him not knowing her, the aide would be unfamiliar with the specifics of your grandfather's care management protocol.  I think the voice of your grandfather's wife should be respected.

bleve0821

I agree that GF's wife has final say, not just because she RSVPd "No," but because, as his wife, she presumably has a firm grasp of GF's health, his abilities and capabilities, and what kind of impact situations and environments, both familiar and unfamiliar, will have on him. As a spouse, even if she is not living in the care facility with him, she's likely involved in most of his care decisions (whether the rest of the family agrees with them or not). She may have RSVPd "No" simply because it's not in GF's best interest to attend.  Her wishes should be respected, whatever they may be.

None of these decisions the aunt wants to make sound like they would be made with GF's health in mind, and unless she's directly involved in or responsible for his care, she should let it go and respect GF's wife's wishes.

kylexo

Thanks for the advice, ladies. I guess it's a little more complicated than that, or at least seems that way to my aunts as GFs wife has been largely uninvolved with his illness or care, basically wanting him out of the house, maybe seeing him once a month and not paying for any of the care. She also has told my mom and aunts that she wishes she had never married him (they've been married for 28 years now, since I was 2.)

I don't presume to know how I'd deal with my spouse having such a serious illness, I would hope I'd do it more gracefully, but I can understand my mom and her sisters discounting GFs wifes opinion on things, I think my aunt who is pushing for him to attend should listen to the wishes of my mom, myself, my other aunt and GFs wife rather than guilt trip everyone about how it would "mean so much to him."

CraftyG

Obviously we don't know how serious it is or how it affects him but I think that putting him in an unfamiliar environment with a crowd of people who he may or may not know ( and people talking to him as though he should know them) can be extremely overwhelming. Especially if he has an unfamiliar aide looking out for him. I think that this would be really stressful and the last thing you and your family need is to be worrying about him all day especially if something does happen. 

Another idea is to have your wedding day and then go in to visit him with either a video or pictures of the day and maybe save a flower arrangement or two to give to him or the home and then you can sill include him but in a neutral environment on his terms.

SP29

Who is his decision maker? I assume his wife, since they've been married so long. If she says no, then the answer is no. Your aunt can't just take him out of his assisted living facility, unless GF has joint decision makers.

I agree with your mom that bringing him to an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar person is not the best idea. If he *did* come with an aid and unfortunately felt very confused and got upset, is Aunt going to leave the wedding to make sure he gets back to his assisted living facility?

I would directly contact your Aunt and tell her, "Aunt, I really appreciate the thought you've put into getting Grandpa to come to my wedding. However, the more I think about it, the more I think it's not such a great idea. I am worried that being in a new environment with someone he doesn't know such as a hired aid, would leave him possibly quite upset. I was OK with him coming with Wife Sally because she knows him and would ultimately be responsible if he needed to leave early, but with an aid, I think it would be stressful for him and the rest of the family involved. I plan to go visit him the day after the wedding and I'll bring some photos and left over cake".

MesmrEwe

You get to be the decision maker here...  What about you & FI stopping by the care center the day of your wedding dressed up for a picture with your photographer or someone with a good camera?  I'd push that idea more than bringing him there because as others have said familiarity is important for someone at this point in the progression of the illness.  It's also going to be incredibly exhausting for him to come to the actual wedding and without knowing him don't know whether that's viable. 

Trust your instincts and your judgment, it's o.k.!

jacques27

Just wanted to chime in with a couple of things.  If he truly doesn't remember you, then your aunt is likely just projecting her own feelings here and she WANTS to believe it will be memorable for him.  It likely won't be if his Alzheimer's is advanced.  That said, if it would be meaningful to YOU, then by all means though it is ultimately up to whomever has power of attorney or guardianship over him.  Since he's in assisted living, presumably with an established routine, the thing that is likely going to be easiest and least disruptive to his life is if you took time early in the day to visit him or visit him the next day.  Having his schedule disrupted to attend your wedding could leave him agitated for awhile after the event, so you have to consider that as well - it's not just how well he would tolerate the event itself.  You really should be in consultation with his doctor about that before making that kind of decision.

Also, your mother's concern is spot on.  Elderly individuals have a harder time cooling themselves efficiently and are often on medications that further inhibit that process.  They are far more prone to heatstroke in milder conditions than someone much younger.  Add in someone who can't advocate for himself and keep himself properly hydrated without someone closely supervising him and you have a potential problem.  So if  your wedding is going to be outdoors or there is just the potential to be really warm, you really should be concerned.
http://www.alz.org/alzwa/documents/Heat_Stress_in_the_Elderly.pdf

OurWildKingdom

MesmrEwe said:

You get to be the decision maker here...  What about you & FI stopping by the care center the day of your wedding dressed up for a picture with your photographer or someone with a good camera?  I'd push that idea more than bringing him there because as others have said familiarity is important for someone at this point in the progression of the illness.  It's also going to be incredibly exhausting for him to come to the actual wedding and without knowing him don't know whether that's viable. 

Trust your instincts and your judgment, it's o.k.!

@MesmrEwe has a great idea here. We're going to my Oma's care center the day after with her corsage and cake, and I'm paying for the in-house salon to do her hair and nails. 

I definitely understand how you're feeling, @kylexo. ((((((Hugs))))))))))

kylexo

I read all of these to my mom just now. We both thank all of you for your insightful words. My shower is tomorrow? So me, mom and two aunts will all be together and mom plans on having a chat with them about it after the shower. 

jacques27 said:

Just wanted to chime in with a couple of things.  If he truly doesn't remember you, then your aunt is likely just projecting her own feelings here and she WANTS to believe it will be memorable for him.  It likely won't be if his Alzheimer's is advanced.  That said, if it would be meaningful to YOU, then by all means though it is ultimately up to whomever has power of attorney or guardianship over him.  Since he's in assisted living, presumably with an established routine, the thing that is likely going to be easiest and least disruptive to his life is if you took time early in the day to visit him or visit him the next day.  Having his schedule disrupted to attend your wedding could leave him agitated for awhile after the event, so you have to consider that as well - it's not just how well he would tolerate the event itself.  You really should be in consultation with his doctor about that before making that kind of 

When I read the part about aunt projecting, mom said YESSSSS!

ernursej

I hope the conversation goes well today!

I posted on another thread but I really agree that it is not in his best interest to attend and it is always harder on those who have full mental capacity to deal with an absence than those who have diminished mental capacity. If he doesn't know he is missing something, it is unlikely to bother him.

My Nana wasn't able to attend my sister's wedding and we sent a corsage and got her pampered for the day in her care facility. She had a fantastic day (thought she won the lottery) and I think we all felt a bit better knowing that she had a better day at the facility than she would have in an unfamiliar environment dealing with people she should know but doesn't remember.

downtondiva

Your family should be able to enjoy your wedding without worrying, and your grandfather should not be put in a situation where he could end up feeling confused and unsafe. Whatever the rest of your family may think of his wife, she was right to decline the invitation, and you and your mom are right that he shouldn't attend at this point. Good luck with your conversation with your aunt; I hope it all goes okay. 

lovesclimbing

I won't speak to the family dynamics at play here. 

I have a grandpa with Alzheimer's. I know the disease can manifest itself in different ways and not all people with it are the same. However, I would not recommend hiring a random aid. My grandpa has been to several family weddings. At all of them, my grandma and either my dad or uncle (his sons) have been stuck to his side. He does not do well in unfamiliar places with lots of people he doesn't know. He would not get on well at all with a person he doesn't know at his side. He needs someone he is familiar with. 

Perhaps your family knows your grandpa would do ok with an aid. But I just wanted to give this perspective in case you all haven't thought of it. 

lc07

I would honestly just stay out of it. They've declined. I'd accept that and not engage anyone in discussions about trying to make them attend. If someone asked me how I felt about it, I'd say I respect their choice to decline attendance and that I would look forward to seeing them at the next opportunity. I don't think it's your obligation to intervene with Aunt's idea about trying to make them attend. Your grandfather's wife can deal with her if she tries to push the issue. 

Jen4948

I would accept that your grandfather's wife has declined the wedding invitation for them both. But you could, if feasible, offer to live-stream the wedding or visit them shortly before or after the wedding.

OurWildKingdom

OP and her mom both understand why her step-grandmother declined the invitation. Her concern was convincing her aunt of the same.

kylexo

At this point, for most of the reasons mentioned above, I do not want my grandfather to attend. Among all of the other issues, the venue is very rural (an hour from the closest medical facility). My mom and her sisters share guardianship with my grandfathers wife, so feasibly my aunt could remove him from assisted living to bring him to the wedding. I do not want this. He was not invited as a unit with her and the person he was invited with declined. My aunt is pushing my mom and I on the issue talking about how boring his life is and how "it would really mean a lot to him." As PP have said, this is likely her projecting. 

In addition, my grandfather had always been a distant man I've never had much of a relationship with. If he'd been able to make it with his wife, great! Instead my aunt wants him to come but doesn't want the responsibility of looking after him, she wants to hire a stranger (aide) to help him. This seems wildly inappropriate to me. Instead of my mom getting to relax and enjoy her daughter get married, she's going to be concerned about my grandfathers health and welfare. If anyone tries to talk to aunt about it she accuses them of being selfish for not including him. It sucks.

kylexo

This same aunt was apparently also telling my mom that I should extend her a +1 to invite some 3rd cousin I've never met before because she reconnected with her on Facebook and it would be "nice".  So I'm super irritated with her anyways and her lack of grace about invites to the wedding.

Jen4948

kylexo said:

At this point, for most of the reasons mentioned above, I do not want my grandfather to attend. Among all of the other issues, the venue is very rural (an hour from the closest medical facility). My mom and her sisters share guardianship with my grandfathers wife, so feasibly my aunt could remove him from assisted living to bring him to the wedding. I do not want this. He was not invited as a unit with her and the person he was invited with declined. My aunt is pushing my mom and I on the issue talking about how boring his life is and how "it would really mean a lot to him." As PP have said, this is likely her projecting. 

In addition, my grandfather had always been a distant man I've never had much of a relationship with. If he'd been able to make it with his wife, great! Instead my aunt wants him to come but doesn't want the responsibility of looking after him, she wants to hire a stranger (aide) to help him. This seems wildly inappropriate to me. Instead of my mom getting to relax and enjoy her daughter get married, she's going to be concerned about my grandfathers health and welfare. If anyone tries to talk to aunt about it she accuses them of being selfish for not including him. It sucks.

It sounds like you need to shut your aunt down with "Aunt, Grandfather and his wife will not be attending the wedding. You have made your feelings about it clear, and we are not willing to hear any more about it or discuss it further. Please consider the subject of our guest list closed."