Moms and Maids

Am I being unreasonable? Be blunt with me

Late last year, I was asked by my best friend from college to be a bridesmaid in her May 2017 wedding. I happily accepted.

I just graduated from grad school and am having a much more difficult time finding employment than I anticipated. As a result, DH and I are living off his income alone, which is do-able but leaves us with maybe 10.00 left over at the end of each month if we are lucky.

Last month, my friend asked me what I would be comfortable spending on a BM dress because she knows that I am in a very tight financial spot with no end in sight right now. I told her $120.00. Before giving her this number, I did my research to ensure that there were a lot of various options in this price range. I found there to be tons of gorgeous dresses in this range. Hers is a wedding that I am going to have to fly across the country for, so with those expenses, 120 is really all I can commit to for a dress.

Last week, she sends a group text to all BMs with a picture of the dress she picked for us, saying that it was $200.00 and said that the goal was to have them all purchased by September 1.

I spoke with my friend and explained to her that $120.00 was a hard limit for me (and frankly, stretching it as it is) and that I couldn't afford to spend more than that. I realize that to many, $80.00 is nothing, but for me right now, it is a whole weeks worth of groceries. Of course, I explained that I hoped to find employment between now and then, but I couldn't commit to counting my eggs before they hatched and that I needed to be firm with my budget in my present situation.

She offered that it was probably best if I resign my place as a B and attend as a guest. In the same conversation, she noted that "at least I told her this in enough advance because she has a cousin she could ask to fill my place". Knotties, I am incredibly hurt by this. Friend stated that she wanted to stay in my budget but she just couldn;t find anything that had the right look in that price range. To me, this indicates that her vision for her wedding photos is more important to her than having a good friend since college in her wedding. Also, by brushing it off and saying that she could replace me with a cousin made me feel very insignificant.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Was it selfish of me to set such a low budget and hope that she would pick a dress within said budget?

ALSO: just a couple of months ago, I had another friend tell me that she wanted me as her MOH for her wedding, but because she didnt think I could afford it, was just going to have me be a bridesmaid. But she wanted me to know I was her first pick for MOH. Am I ridiculous for feeling like price tags have been attached to my friendships with these women? It is very isolating to feel that my friendship is valued at the amount of money I have to spend towards their weddings.If I had the money to give them each the bridal experience they want, I would. But I just dont right now.

Re: Am I being unreasonable? Be blunt with me

  • MCmeowMCmeow member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    So disgusting of both your friends to treat you this way. No you're not the selfish one. I've currently been doing research for my own bridesmaids and there are millions of dresses that come far below even $100 (like Asos has beautiful dresses, and in many different styles). It's extremely selfish of your friend to think of her vision over your friendship, she's was the one unwilling to budge. And for your other friend, there's no reason you couldn't be her MOH, the only reason I can think of is because she values a bachelorette party over honoring you. There are many ways to go around difficulties with budget, bridesmaids and MOH are meant to honor the person, not base things on how much money they have. You have every reason to feel upset.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I have nothing to add to what PPs have said. I'm so sorry these brides treated you this way.
  • Nope, not even remotely unreasonable. 

    At least she he has shown you her true colours before you spent what little budget you have on her and her selfish, selfish whims. Please tell us you plan to decline to attend the wedding, even as a guest? Don't allow yourself to be treated so poorly by this woman, you deserve so much better.
  • Thank you for your replies. I haven't spoken to either women since these convos took place and have been reconsidering the friendships. I wanted to check myself though to be sure that I was not being dramatic, I tend to be overly sensitive at times and wanted perspective.

    I know that I should end these friendships, and I plan to distance myself.. It is just so disappointing. Break-ups, romantic or otherwise always are. Even if they are for the best. These women were such big parts of my life and both in my wedding, just hard accepting that theyve come to this point.
  • With friends like those, who needs enemies? Wow. They are definitely treating you like a prop and not a dear friend. These are the women that old TV show Bridezillas was based on. 
  • Not at all! The ones being unreasonable were your "friends." They did not treat you like a friend in caring more about the "look" of their weddings in photos and kicking you out of their wedding parties when you couldn't afford what they were demanding.
  • Wow, that is all so shitty, OP.  I'm so sorry you were treated like that.  You are not being overly sensitive at all.  What they did was really awful.  

  • Your friends suck. I'm sorry. Have all the cupcakes and margaritas. You deserve them. 
  • You want blunt, I'll give it to you: 

    You need some new friends, and I hope you skip both these bitches' weddings.
    Quoting because I'm only allowed to Love It once.
  • As others have said, no you're not unreasonable!

    When I was trying to get idea on pricing, I asked everyone what they were comfortable with and went with the lower option to make it easier on them for this reason! I had also known ahead of time who could or couldn't spend high amounts {various reasons} so I pre-looked at inexpensive dresses.
  • OP - your "friends" suck!

    The proper reaction should have been them offering to cover the difference.  Also that's far too early for the BM dresses to be ordered (as another said - what happens when a BM ends up PG?!?!)..  I mean - she's putting her vision ahead of people's budgets (there are TONS of dresses out there for FAR less than $120 that would achieve "the look".  Consider this a dodged bullet because that's only the start of the subtle ways she's going to "stick it to the bridesmaids' budgets!" (hair, makeup, jewelry are yet to be added in ... bach party, etc.) 

    Unless the employment situation changes, I'd skip traveling to the OOT wedding and send a gift if the friendship is one you want to maintain.  Normally we say something like they've done is a "Friendship ending move"...  But truly, if your budget is that tight you shouldn't be traveling OOT, especially for a wedding - if you're going anywhere it should be you and YH on a couple's weekend. 

    As for confronting them, I'm not sure this is the right time nor place.  They aren't ready to listen. 

  • I know you've already gotten a ton of replies, but I wanted to chime in as well. I'm sorry that things are so tight right now, but I may be even sorrier that your friends are behaving so awfully to you. Frankly, I'm sure the bride could have cut $80 from the budget for her entire wedding to make up the difference rather than cut YOU. YOU are a valuable human being, and don't deserve to be treated so poorly!
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