Kids or No Kids?

redoryx

OP, who came up with the guest list? This is where I'm getting a little lost. I come from a big family. 13 first cousins with about 30 first cousins once removed. I can't imagine setting a guest list without considering them so I'm just curious how 20 people got missed from a guest list unless it's not something you discussed with your FI. 

Edit: What I mean is, you have the budget and you have your guest list -- were the cousins on there? OR did your mom just say "no kids" flat out without considering a guest list or what?

teddygirl9

Seems odd to include 2/4 of your cousins kids, but 0/20 of his, regardless of 1st or 2nd or however it works out. You're basically inviting 2/24 kids? Wouldn't it be easier to say no kids in this case?

banana468

I feel like this is something where it would make sense to draft the guest list together in as equitable a way as possible.   It doesn't make mention of how many other family members the groom has.   Maybe this was the best way that the mom could come up with or maybe she wants to cut down the kids for other issues.

It would be great to know more details.

OurWildKingdom

banana468 said:

I feel like this is something where it would make sense to draft the guest list together in as equitable a way as possible.   It doesn't make mention of how many other family members the groom has.   Maybe this was the best way that the mom could come up with or maybe she wants to cut down the kids for other issues.

It would be great to know more details.

Agreed. As in my previous comment, the three of you need to sit down and talk things out.

delujm0

ok, few things:

 

1) Just because you aren't close to your first cousins once removed doesn't mean FI has to feel the same way about his.  Some families are just closer than others.  maybe you only see your cousins once or twice a year but he sees his more often and is more involved in their lives.  For this reason, I often disagree that blanket "cutoff is first cousins for both sides" is cool, especially if one of you doesn't agree with it.

 

2) Kids are just guests.  They are actually slightly less expensive guests, since their meals tend to cost less.  So the best way to do this is probably to say "ok, mom's budget can accommodate X people (regardless of age)." and then do an equitable distribution of guests.  Say your mom/family gets 40% of the total because she's paying, and then your FI's family gets 30% and the two of you get the remaining 30% together for your friends.  Or 60/20/20.  Or whatever seems fair to you.  And then make the cuts as you see fit.  The fact that your family is paying doesn't mean that FI's family's opinion doesn't matter.  FI's opinion should matter very very much.  If they want to use their 30% for children, fine.  If they don't, fine.  If FI wants to use some of the 30% that belongs to the two of you on more of his family members, that's something you can negotiate.  Or you two can contribute some money to the wedding so that all of the guests that you want there can be there.  This can be done.

 

I worry that discounting your FI's opinion on how he feels about his cousin's kids is going to harm your relationship.  This is his wedding too.  FWIW, my dad paid for my entire reception, and roughly 50% of the guests were extended family members of DH.  I didn't really want to invite them all, but they're his family and he wanted them there, so we made cuts to our friend list and contributed our own money for other items so that we could both invite everyone that we wanted to be there. 

 

Side note: you don't need a ring bearer or a flower girl, and you could very easily just say "no kids at all" IF YOU BOTH AGREE TO THAT.  We invited no kids aside from our one nephew.  We had no ring bearer or flower girl.  And our nephew went home with a babysitter (at SIL's request, not our demand) after cocktail hour.