Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Grandfather as Officiant?

I'm getting married in October and am running into a problem. Neither FI or I are religious, but our families are. My parents (who are paying for the wedding) are pushing for me to ask my grandfather to be my officiant. I would be fine with it, but he is a borderline fire and brimstone Southern Baptist preacher. We don't want a religious ceremony, but I feel like if I have him do it we will be forced and guilted into it.

They are pulling very hard guilt tips on me, and I know that if he isn't asked to officiate and I find someone "random" on the internet there will be A LOT of hurt feelings. I even mentioned in passing having a friend do it and I got a death glare from my mom. I've tried bringing up that I'm not exactly comfortable with him doing it, but they just don't understand. It doesn't help that they don't know we aren't religious (they just think we don't go to church). And if I told them, it would quite possibly result in a disowning.

 My parents have been so great about everything else, it's just this one thing. Any advice?

Daisypath Anniversary tickers

Re: Grandfather as Officiant?

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Pay for your own wedding so that the strings aren't attached. Ideally you should "come clean" with your parents about the reasons to not ask your Grandfather. Are your parents fire and brimstone too? They might understand your concerns if they aren't.
    OurWildKingdomJediElizabethSTARMOON44
  • FoxandBunnyFoxandBunny Alabama member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2016
    Pay for your own wedding so that the strings aren't attached. Ideally you should "come clean" with your parents about the reasons to not ask your Grandfather. Are your parents fire and brimstone too? They might understand your concerns if they aren't.
    My parents are not fire and brimstone, but they are very religious. And like I said, if I told them it would likely result in being disowned, and I'm not quite ready to do that yet.

    I've mentioned my concerns by saying things like, "I don't think he'd like our ceremony" and that I was afraid he'd go off-script, but they didn't really get it.

    They've been so great that I thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but it's turning into one.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I strongly suggest a heart to heart with your parents.  If you don't do so soon, this type of behavior is only going to continue. 
    OurWildKingdom100yroldblinddogSP29
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    You could also say that you don't feel comfortable have your grandfather work that day as you just want him to be able to enjoy himself as a guest. If that doesn't work, then you need to be honest about not wanting a religious ceremony. 
    @DrillSergeantCat's suggested approach is a good one. Still, don't put off the conversation about religion. 
  • I think @DrillSergeantCat 's suggestion is a great one.  But I also agree with @OurWildKingdom that you need to prioritize having a conversation with your parents about belief systems and what sort of wedding and marriage you will be having.
    OurWildKingdom
  • FoxandBunnyFoxandBunny Alabama member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    You could also say that you don't feel comfortable have your grandfather work that day as you just want him to be able to enjoy himself as a guest. If that doesn't work, then you need to be honest about not wanting a religious ceremony. 
    That's a great suggestion, but sadly it didn't work. That was what I told them first. They insisted that it wouldn't be work (this coming from a man who refuses to even change a light bulb on Sunday because it's "work" and you aren't supposed to work on Sundays).

    I know everyone is right, but it's a scary thing to be faced with being cut off from your whole family. I've stood up to them on several things that they were staunchly against (moving in with my FI, for example) and they eventually got over it, so maybe this will be the same.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

  • So, ideally they should let you have control over the ceremony, since that's the most personal part, but since they're not, and they're paying, you may have to decline their money to get your way.
    image
    lc07ernursejjustsie
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I like @Jen4948 's wording. You are being clear that you do not agree with your grandfather's views, but you aren't outright saying that you aren't religious.

    I truly feel the ceremony is the one aspect of the wedding that is all about the bride and the groom. I would strongly urge you not to participate in a ceremony that not only does not have meaning to you, but goes against your beliefs. That feels wrong to me. At the end of the day, if your family keeps pushing, you are going to have to stand up somehow, and that may mean returning any funds they have offered/given and planning the wedding you want, and knowing their may be some hurt feelings (either way though there are some hurt feelings- yours or theirs).

    I do think you should have a talk with your family about your beliefs sooner rather than later. What happens when/if you have children and your family wants them baptized? Wants them raised in the faith? You are back to your current situation all over again. I think better to deal with it now than later.
    OurWildKingdomILoveBeachMusic
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    You could also say that you don't feel comfortable have your grandfather work that day as you just want him to be able to enjoy himself as a guest. If that doesn't work, then you need to be honest about not wanting a religious ceremony. 
    That's a great suggestion, but sadly it didn't work. That was what I told them first. They insisted that it wouldn't be work (this coming from a man who refuses to even change a light bulb on Sunday because it's "work" and you aren't supposed to work on Sundays).

    I know everyone is right, but it's a scary thing to be faced with being cut off from your whole family. I've stood up to them on several things that they were staunchly against (moving in with my FI, for example) and they eventually got over it, so maybe this will be the same.
    Have the ceremony on a Sunday. Boom. Problem solved.
    Sherbie25SP29
  • If you moved in with your fiancé and they got over that, I would bet that they have some idea you aren't that religious anymore. 
    DrillSergeantCat
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards