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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Knottie1445786515
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My friends ignored our wedding?
I recently got married, but a situation with a few of my good friends has left me a little unsure of what to do. I have a group of friends that I went to school with, but I moved abroad a few years ago for work so we no longer live near one another. My wedding was in the country where I currently I live, and (understandably) no one from this friend group could make it. However, our wedding day came and went and none of these friends really made an effort to acknowledge it - no gifts, no cards, no facebook posts, no "good luck!" or "how was the day?" text messages. The only effort was a one line "happy wedding day" text that came at the end of the night (after guests had already put photos up on social media).
I feel a little upset for two reasons. First, that I am the last to get married in this group and I purchased bridal shower, bachelorette, and wedding gifts for each one of them (which certainly added up), but no one thought to return the favor in any small way. But mostly I feel hurt because it felt like none of them cared that I got married or bothered to make it feel like it was a special day for me.
Am I crazy for feeling hurt about this?
I feel a little upset for two reasons. First, that I am the last to get married in this group and I purchased bridal shower, bachelorette, and wedding gifts for each one of them (which certainly added up), but no one thought to return the favor in any small way. But mostly I feel hurt because it felt like none of them cared that I got married or bothered to make it feel like it was a special day for me.
Am I crazy for feeling hurt about this?
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Re: My friends ignored our wedding?
That said, I'm sorry in advance if this isn't what you want to hear...
But your wedding day was never going to be as important to anyone else as to you and your FI.
Also, if you've been living far enough away from these people for a few years, it sounds like the friendship has faded to the point that they don't consider you as close a friend as they used to when you saw them regularly.
It's also possible that you overestimated the degree of friendship between you and did more for their weddings than was actually warranted.
And if you attended and/or planned their parties, bought them gifts, etc. with the intention that they reciprocate for your wedding, unfortunately that's a good way to set yourself up for disappointment because parties and gifts are not entitlements for those getting married.
So your best course of action is to ultimately let it go and look for other friends -- and make sure you're on the same page with them about how close your friendships are.
However, weddings, events, relationships are not tit-for-tat, so just because you purchased gifts and attended events for these people at some point in your friendship, doesn't mean they are obligated to do the same.
As @ILoveBeachMusic said, have a drink and focus on the fact that you're married!
I agree reed that it is disappointing for sure, but friendships do fade.
just because you bought things for them doesn't obligate them to return the favor, especially if the friendship has changed. Similarly, there were probably people at your wedding who attending and got you a gift that you had not returned the favor on if they were married before you were friends with them. It is just the way friendships and relationships go.
Even people who live in the same general area often lose touch with each other. Heck just moving to a new school district can have an effect on people's relationships. Long distance relationship often to not make it. It's the sad reality of moving.
Just because I was in weddings and bought shower and weddings gifts a decade before doesn't mean those same friends are expected to reciprocate.
It's okay to be disappointed. However, try not to make them out to be bad guys. Some relationships fade over time, especially ones that are long distance. Often it's due to no fault of anyone, just the way things work out.
I had to remember that I was the one who wanted to move. It's not fair for me to expect them to maintain the same level of closeness when I wasn't around any more. Sure there are a few friends I'm still close to, but there are a lot who are nothing more than people I see when I'm in town once a year. Again due to no fault of either of us. It's just the way it's worked out.
Is it possible they may not have messaged you because they knew you would be busy?
People grow apart, make sure you are looking forward to your future with your new hubby!
2. Your wedding will never be as important to other people. If you're not even in the same country and you're not in regular contact, they aren't just sitting around thinking about you (as I'm sure is true for you about them). They aren't going to circle a day on their calendar for a wedding they can't attend just waiting to text you on the day. Your wedding is a big deal to you, but to everyone else it's pretty much just a party. I have local friends whose weddings I didn't attend because life was busy and I wasn't up for the party. It doesnt mean I don't love them or aren't happy for them.
Feel disapponted that you didn't get the attention you hoped for from these people, but weddings and life aren't tit for tat. I guess I personally would focus on the true meaning of the occasion and less on the external validation from others and using that as your measuring stick.
I'm weird about gifts though. I don't feel slighted if I don't receive gifts from others (although I do feel bummed about not getting verbal or written well-wishes for some things from some people) but I DO feel guilty for not sending gifts when I think I should (like to the cousin who had a kid 1.5 years ago and a long-distant friend who got married a few years ago). I feel badly if I don't send a gift to someone who has sent me/us something for a similar occasion. Sometimes I have the best intentions to send something (usually it's personalized or harder to get and then I just don't end up getting it) and then feel guilty for not following through. I have a really guilty conscience.
Perhaps one or more of your friends are like me?