My friends ignored our wedding?

Knottie1445786515

I recently got married, but a situation with a few of my good friends has left me a little unsure of what to do. I have a group of friends that I went to school with, but I moved abroad a few years ago for work so we no longer live near one another. My wedding was in the country where I currently I live, and (understandably) no one from this friend group could make it. However, our wedding day came and went and none of these friends really made an effort to acknowledge it - no gifts, no cards, no facebook posts, no "good luck!" or "how was the day?" text messages. The only effort was a one line "happy wedding day" text that came at the end of the night (after guests had already put photos up on social media). 

I feel a little upset for two reasons. First, that I am the last to get married in this group and I purchased bridal shower, bachelorette, and wedding gifts for each one of them (which certainly added up), but no one thought to return the favor in any small way. But mostly I feel hurt because it felt like none of them cared that I got married or bothered to make it feel like it was a special day for me. 

Am I crazy for feeling hurt about this?

Jen4948

I don't think you're crazy for feeling hurt.

That said, I'm sorry in advance if this isn't what you want to hear...

But your wedding day was never going to be as important to anyone else as to you and your FI.

Also, if you've been living far enough away from these people for a few years, it sounds like the friendship has faded to the point that they don't consider you as close a friend as they used to when you saw them regularly.

It's also possible that you overestimated the degree of friendship between you and did more for their weddings than was actually warranted.

And if you attended and/or planned their parties, bought them gifts, etc. with the intention that they reciprocate for your wedding, unfortunately that's a good way to set yourself up for disappointment because parties and gifts are not entitlements for those getting married.

So your best course of action is to ultimately let it go and look for other friends -- and make sure you're on the same page with them about how close your friendships are.

ILoveBeachMusic

I would feel hurt too. We had a similar situation for DD's wedding. A relative with whom I have always been very close didn't attend or send any acknowledgement of the wedding (not even a text). I have to be honest and say it has affected the relationship. You have the right to have a little pity party, a glass of wine (or two) then remember that you are now married! Congratulations!

AddieCake

I'd be hurt, too, but I agree if you don't see or talk to these people regularly, the friendships probably have faded a bit. 

charlotte989875

Knottie1445786515 said:

I recently got married, but a situation with a few of my good friends has left me a little unsure of what to do. I have a group of friends that I went to school with, but I moved abroad a few years ago for work so we no longer live near one another. My wedding was in the country where I currently I live, and (understandably) no one from this friend group could make it. However, our wedding day came and went and none of these friends really made an effort to acknowledge it - no gifts, no cards, no facebook posts, no "good luck!" or "how was the day?" text messages. The only effort was a one line "happy wedding day" text that came at the end of the night (after guests had already put photos up on social media). 

I feel a little upset for two reasons. First, that I am the last to get married in this group and I purchased bridal shower, bachelorette, and wedding gifts for each one of them (which certainly added up), but no one thought to return the favor in any small way. But mostly I feel hurt because it felt like none of them cared that I got married or bothered to make it feel like it was a special day for me. 

Am I crazy for feeling hurt about this?

You're not crazy for feeling hurt. It's sad when people you feel you are close with don't acknowledge major life events for whatever reason. 

However, weddings, events, relationships are not tit-for-tat, so just because you purchased gifts and attended events for these people at some point in your friendship, doesn't mean they are obligated to do the same. 

As @ILoveBeachMusic said, have a drink and focus on the fact that you're married! 

STARMOON44

Are they good friends though? Or did they used to be good friends? Do you talk on the phone, exchange personal emails, send them birthday and holiday cards, send flowers to them when they have something particularly great/bad going on? Do you make an effort to visit them when you can? 

I agree reed that it is disappointing for sure, but friendships do fade. 

kvruns

it is disappointing but I know I'm not one to typically send a gift if I don't attend (unless it was a super close friend) and I may not remember to post a fb thing about your wedding unless I see pictures or other other wedding things posted because I probably forgot that it was your wedding day since I'm not attending and therefore it is off my radar. 

just because you bought things for them doesn't obligate them to return the favor, especially if the friendship has changed. Similarly, there were probably people at your wedding who attending and got you a gift that you had not returned the favor on if they were married before you were friends with them. It is just the way friendships and relationships go.

lyndausvi

  Relationships change, that is just life.   Trust me I know.   I was the last to get married by many years.  They all started having kids and doing their own stuff. I moved away to the islands.  Adding even more "strain" to the relationships.  

Even people who live in the same general area often lose touch with each other. Heck just moving to a new school district can have an effect on people's relationships.   Long distance relationship often to not make it.   It's the sad reality of moving. 

Just because I was in weddings and bought shower and weddings gifts a decade before doesn't mean those same friends are expected to reciprocate.     

It's okay to be disappointed.  However, try not to make them out to be bad guys.    Some relationships fade over time, especially ones that are long distance.   Often it's due to no fault of anyone, just the way things work out. 

I had to remember that I was the one who wanted to move.  It's not fair for me to expect them to maintain the same level of closeness when I wasn't around any more. Sure there are a few friends I'm still close to, but there are a lot who are nothing more than people I see when I'm in town once a year.   Again due to no fault of either of us.  It's just the way it's worked out.

NBSquared2017

I have had many friendships change over the years. There are people who I thought would be in my life always that are just gone. 

Is it possible they may not have messaged you because they knew you would be busy? 

People grow apart, make sure you are looking forward to your future with your new hubby!

mntravelingmama

I would be hurt as well.  How often do you see these friends?  Or stay in touch with them?  It's hard when you're out of the country.  I definitely send a gift even if I can't make it--IF it's a close friend or family member. 

holyguacamole79

Was it a church small group?  Or in a park?

justsie

I would think that some too @holyguacamole79 but this isn't posted to 15 other websites also. HA

jacques27

1. I personally would never text someone on their wedding day because I assume they are busy getting married.

2. Your wedding will never be as important to other people.  If you're not even in the same country and you're not in regular contact, they aren't just sitting around thinking about you (as I'm sure is true for you about them). They aren't going to circle a day on their calendar for a wedding they can't attend just waiting to text you on the day.  Your wedding is a big deal to you, but to everyone else it's pretty much just a party.  I have local friends whose weddings I didn't attend because life was busy and I wasn't up for the party. It doesnt mean I don't love them or aren't happy for them.

Feel disapponted that you didn't get the attention you hoped for from these people, but weddings and life  aren't tit for tat.  I guess I personally would focus on the true meaning of the occasion and less on the external validation from others and using that as your measuring stick.

guilletskichuk

I'm responding from the other side of things. DH and I have friends who got married two years ago in a location far from where we all live. We were invited to the wedding but, given the distance, definitely not expected to attend. I had wanted to get a personalized gift from Etsy for them but funds were tight at the time and I never got around to ordering it. After the wedding I considered just giving them a card and gift card but thought that was kind of lame after the fact. We sent well-wishes via text and FB. We also asked them about their wedding when they returned. However, in the past two years our friendship has felt strained. We've drifted apart especially in the last year (which I can attribute to a few things, I guess). The thing is, I still feel guilty that we never got them a gift. We didn't know them when we got married (so it's not like they gave us a wedding gift and we didn't reciprocate) but they gave a gift when our son was born three years ago and we'd gone back and forth giving gifts for Christmas and birthdays over the years. DH doesn't think that our lack of wedding gift giving has anything to do with the distance we feel from them but I can't help but think it's contributed to how they feel about us. They're moving away later this summer and we've offered to host a farewell party in their honour. I hope that this will help to show them that we do really care about their friendship and that we'll miss them.

I'm weird about gifts though. I don't feel slighted if I don't receive gifts from others (although I do feel bummed about not getting verbal or written well-wishes for some things from some people) but I DO feel guilty for not sending gifts when I think I should (like to the cousin who had a kid 1.5 years ago and a long-distant friend who got married a few years ago). I feel badly if I don't send a gift to someone who has sent me/us something for a similar occasion. Sometimes I have the best intentions to send something (usually it's personalized or harder to get and then I just don't end up getting it) and then feel guilty for not following through. I have a really guilty conscience.

Perhaps one or more of your friends are like me?