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Saying "No"

Sarabeth1031Sarabeth1031 member
First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
in Snarky Brides
So a lot of my friends are getting engaged or have recently been married. I've noticed that a lot of them are very quick to give in to other people's wants for their wedding. Am I the only person that has zero problems saying no to people? In my mind, it's our wedding, and we're the ones that need to be happy when all is said and done. My best friend recently got married and she gave in to everything her parents or her now husband's parents wanted. And she ended up being super unhappy about the way a lot of things went. And here I am making "no" the new top word in my vocabulary. And I definitely feel zero guilt about it. Anyone in the same boat as me?
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Re: Saying "No"

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    ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think it depends on what you are saying "no" to. If something you want is not taking your guests into account and the parents or whoever are trying to get you to be more considerate, I think it is fine to "give into" their wants. It also depends on who is paying. Those who pay get a say.
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    Sarabeth1031Sarabeth1031 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    We're paying for the whole thing ourselves. And I'm mostly saying no to some decorating ideas, and some of my mom's friends she wanted to invite, but who I haven't spoken to in at least 5 years.
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    Sarabeth1031Sarabeth1031 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    I like your answer @lyndausvi. There really are some things I don't care about, but when my mom wants to invite 5 of her friends, it's hard for me to justify paying for that since our budget isn't that big. I explained that to her and she was fine with it. We are also not having a religious ceremony, which probably won't make my fiancé's parents too happy, but we're not religious at all.

    Every time I've said no to someone (mostly my mom and my sister) it really hasn't been a big deal. They just say "it's your day" and move on. I like that I have that kind of relationship with my family that it won't cause any drama for me to say no when an idea or something just isn't for me.

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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I kind of see your original point OP. My best friend's younger sister always wanted a small, outdoor wedding and ended up with 200+ in a banquet hall. Part of that did have to do with the fact that sister is a lot younger with fewer financial resources, so the parents did foot most of the budget. But, I find it hard to believe they couldn't have had more compromise so sister could have more of her original, nature-focused vision- it's a big leap from envisioning a state park to getting a reception at the most generic banquet room in town. 

    On these boards, advice to brides and grooms who are feeling railroaded into things they don't want is to not accept the money. The only way to freely say no to others' demands is to pay for everything yourself. 
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    ernursejernursej member
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    I like saying no. It is not a four letter word. We are paying for our entire wedding as we knew that my FMIL would want all sorts of things that we didn't agree with. We did listen to my Mother who just asked that we didn't elope as she really wanted to be present.
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I don't say 'no' often, but I don't bend over backwards for people. I do want to accommodate people. Since my MIL and Step-FIL footed the bill for location/food they had say who was invited to wedding - which was fine.

    My mum didn't foot anything for location, but when she asked if some people could come we made a compromise and they came for reception. They were fine with that, they just wanted to congratulate us and have fun!
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    ernursejernursej member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    I don't say 'no' often, but I don't bend over backwards for people. I do want to accommodate people. Since my MIL and Step-FIL footed the bill for location/food they had say who was invited to wedding - which was fine.

    My mum didn't foot anything for location, but when she asked if some people could come we made a compromise and they came for reception. They were fine with that, they just wanted to congratulate us and have fun!

    That sounds like tiered to me. Not a great way to compromise.

    For lurkers, it is considered rude to tier your guests. Everyone should get an invite to all portions of the day.

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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    @ernursej  it wasn't tiered/b-list at all. My mum requested them for reception {dancing part - not dinner} because she asked awhile after invites went out.
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    ernursejernursej member
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    MissKittyDanger said:
    @ernursej  it wasn't tiered/b-list at all. My mum requested them for reception {dancing part - not dinner} because she asked awhile after invites went out.

    If someone isn't invited to the entire thing, it is tiered. Tiered is when someone is invited to only a portion of the celebration. B listing is technically when you invite another guest after someone from the original invites has declined. It doesn't sound like you did this, but you did tier your guests. You could have just said no to your Mom. A compromise could have been that your Mom could have a 'Meet The Newlyweds" cocktail party after the wedding and her friends could have been invited to that.
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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    ernursej said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    @ernursej  it wasn't tiered/b-list at all. My mum requested them for reception {dancing part - not dinner} because she asked awhile after invites went out.

    If someone isn't invited to the entire thing, it is tiered. Tiered is when someone is invited to only a portion of the celebration. B listing is technically when you invite another guest after someone from the original invites has declined. It doesn't sound like you did this, but you did tier your guests. You could have just said no to your Mom. A compromise could have been that your Mom could have a 'Meet The Newlyweds" cocktail party after the wedding and her friends could have been invited to that.
    Right after the wedding was photos and then dinner. They didn't have an issue with coming after. I offered to make arrangements if they were able to attend earlier, but they declined.
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited July 2016
    MissKittyDanger said:
    ernursej said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    @ernursej  it wasn't tiered/b-list at all. My mum requested them for reception {dancing part - not dinner} because she asked awhile after invites went out.

    If someone isn't invited to the entire thing, it is tiered. Tiered is when someone is invited to only a portion of the celebration. B listing is technically when you invite another guest after someone from the original invites has declined. It doesn't sound like you did this, but you did tier your guests. You could have just said no to your Mom. A compromise could have been that your Mom could have a 'Meet The Newlyweds" cocktail party after the wedding and her friends could have been invited to that.
    Right after the wedding was photos and then dinner. They didn't have an issue with coming after. I offered to make arrangements if they were able to attend earlier, but they declined.
    Sorry, but this was rude.  You don't get a pass on this one.  It is very rude to B- list guests, which is what you did by waiting until "awhile after the invited went out."  It is also rude to invite people to only the dancing part of the reception.  This is called a tiered reception.
    I get it that you were trying to please your Mom, but you should have said "No."
    It doesn't matter whether or not your guests were offended.  It is still rude.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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    Sarabeth1031Sarabeth1031 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    I love that this thread is now making my point for me. It's healthy to say no to people. At the end of the day, it's our wedding, we are the ones paying for it, so it will be the way we want it. Keep in mind, I'm not going to be unreasonable either, but if I don't want something for my wedding, it's not going to happen. #snarkybride

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    MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    @CMGragain  no no, you misunderstood. My mum didn't ask until after the invites went out. If she had asked for their invite prior to me sending them, I would have included them.
    Besides that point, it was a year ago.
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    drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2016
    I love the word no. I have no problem saying no. I only say yes when I'm 98% sure I can follow through on my yes (life happens, nothing is 100%). Do you know what my friends remember? Not the times I said no. They remember the times I said yes and showed up. 

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    CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited July 2016
    MissKittyDanger said:
    @CMGragain  no no, you misunderstood. My mum didn't ask until after the invites went out. If she had asked for their invite prior to me sending them, I would have included them.
    Besides that point, it was a year ago.
    It was still rude.  You should have said "no".  It doesn't matter when it happened.  You made a mistake by not telling your mom that this was unacceptable.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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    drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
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    Sarabeth1031 said:

    I love that this thread is now making my point for me. It's healthy to say no to people. At the end of the day, it's our wedding, we are the ones paying for it, so it will be the way we want it. Keep in mind, I'm not going to be unreasonable either, but if I don't want something for my wedding, it's not going to happen. #snarkybride

    Ummmmm...Okay then.

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2016
    Sarabeth1031 said:

    I love that this thread is now making my point for me. It's healthy to say no to people. At the end of the day, it's our wedding, we are the ones paying for it, so it will be the way we want it. Keep in mind, I'm not going to be unreasonable either, but if I don't want something for my wedding, it's not going to happen. #snarkybride


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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    Reading a lot of the posts on TK make me sometimes wonder if I am a monster, lol.  Many of the problems could be solved by the poster just saying no, meaning it, and giving zero f**ks about it anymore.  Once compromise is over and I have made clear what I will/won't do, that is my attitude (speaking more life in general, not necessarily weddings).  I don't feel guilt, I won't discuss it further, and I usually don't even feel bad about it.

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