Wedding Crasher -- Baby

Knottie1436537325

A friend-colleague had a baby about 5 months ago and is invited to the wedding. She knows that it's a child-free wedding and reception but has asked me to lift to rule just for her. I'm really uncomfortable with being super blunt but I did indicate that wasn't really an option. Now, whenever the wedding comes up she talks about how she's going to be the only one there "with a baby on her boob." I usually give her a "haha...very funny look" and don't affirm that this is ok. It's becoming clear that she may actually do it. It's a very fussy child so it's presence will not go unnoticed. 

Help, I really like her and don't want to make our friendship/working relationship awkward. 

sparklepants41

So, OP - you know that it is often very difficult for a mother who is still breastfeeding to be away from her baby for an extended period of time - not only for a local wedding and especially for an out of town wedding that would require at least one overnight.

I realize you have a child-free policy/vision, but either you make an exception for a baby who is dependent on his/her mother for sustenance or you or you will have to understand that your friend will most likely not be able to attend. 

Will one breastfeeding baby make that much of a difference? As a guest I would understand why an exception was made for a breastfeeding baby and not for someone's 7-year-old.

aurianna

Here's the thing:

It can be very hard for a breastfeeding mother to be away from her child for more than a couple hours (and if the child won't take a bottle, then pretty much impossible). Even if it can be done, it means that mom will have to take time out of the event to try to find a quiet & clean place to pump, will need to pack/find a way to store the milk [or dump it which is sad. trust me], etc).

That said you have some things to think about...

While your friend is wrong for even playfully demanding her baby be invited and seemingly disregarding your wishes... If this is a close friend and you really want her at the wedding, let her bring the baby. Other guests won't be offended that a tiny baby is there when their kids were not. If they have a problem with it, they're doodie heads.

If no kids is non-negotiable and you don't want to bend, prepare yourself for this woman to decline. Be very caring and understanding.
In this instance say "Friend, I know you've been making jokes about baby coming, but I want to make sure you understand that we are unable to accommodate your baby and she isn't invited. We hope you are still able to attend, but just let me know by xyz date. Thanks!"

bleve0821

Knottie1436537325 said:

A friend-colleague had a baby about 5 months ago and is invited to the wedding. She knows that it's a child-free wedding and reception but has asked me to lift to rule just for her. I'm really uncomfortable with being super blunt but I did indicate that wasn't really an option. Now, whenever the wedding comes up she talks about how she's going to be the only one there "with a baby on her boob." I usually give her a "haha...very funny look" and don't affirm that this is ok. It's becoming clear that she may actually do it. It's a very fussy child so it's presence will not go unnoticed. 

Help, I really like her and don't want to make our friendship/working relationship awkward. 

You should have been blunt from the beginning if you are so adamant against children at your wedding.  Dancing around the issue has obviously led her to believing that her child is actually welcome, and you have done yourself, her, and your relationship no favors by not being direct.  I don't know how much time has passed between when she initially asked you and today, but if you are dead set on no kids, you need to tell your friend now, and in no uncertain terms.

But you also need to be prepared to accept the fact that your lack of straightforwardness with her, and your decision to not allow even this infant, may result in her declining to attend, and could actually cause some hard feelings.  I know I'd be upset if I thought my child was welcome at the wedding and made all these plans to bring him with me, and suddenly the bride about-faces and says, "No, he can't come."  That throws a massive wrench in those plans.  It may be difficult to find child care for the baby, and if she is nursing, she has to deal with pumping, etc.  It's entirely within your right to have a adult-only wedding, but be prepared for a lot of people to decline to attend, even this friend.  

You either need to come out right now and tell her "No, the baby cannot come to the wedding," and be prepared to accept the fact that she may now decline to attend, and accept whatever her reaction might be, or suck it up and say, "Yes, I will make an exception for you."

Trust me, no matter how fussy a baby is, you will not notice it at your wedding.

Knottie1436537325

So, is the entire purpose of this board for people to shame the original posters actually asking for help? 

aurianna

Knottie1436537325 said:

So, is the entire purpose of this board for people to shame the original posters actually asking for help? 

No one shamed you. No one said you had to invite the baby; we're just explaining to you why the baby not being invited might be a deal breaker for this guest.
We're also telling you what kind of reaction/result to expect so that it doesn't take you by surprise.

No judgement here. I invited no children, including small babies, to my wedding. You're totally within your rights. We're just giving you extra perspective.

Posters have offered you help: we've told you to be direct and to understand if she declines/is upset.

madamerwin

Knottie1436537325 said:

So, is the entire purpose of this board for people to shame the original posters actually asking for help? 

Who shamed you?

Every single response said it's your right to have an adult-only wedding. Totally fine. But you need to be very clear with your friend that you cannot accommodate her baby, and graciously accept her decline, if she cannot make it work logistically. A five-month old is probably breastfeeding, and it can be very difficult for mothers with new babies who are breastfeeding to be away from them for many hours (or overnight if it's an OOT wedding).

So again: totally fine to have an adult-only wedding. You just need to be up-front with your friend and accept the fact that she may decline the invitation. You can also decide, if it is very important to you that she is there, to make an exception to the "no kids" rule. Most, if not all, other guests will understand that exceptions need to be made for breastfeeding babies. Your choice - you just need to make a decision and stick with the consequences.

holyguacamole79

Knottie1436537325 said:

So, is the entire purpose of this board for people to shame the original posters actually asking for help? 

Who shamed you?  

InLoveInQueens

Knottie1436537325 said:

So, is the entire purpose of this board for people to shame the original posters actually asking for help? 

No one was shaming, just explaining to you that you have a couple of options, neither of which is exactly what you want. You either need to accept that this baby will be there or your friend [most likely] won't, since (as PPs shared) breastfeeding babies can't really be away from their mothers for all that long, they need to eat constantly and some won't take bottles or just would prefer the food source they're used to. Also new parents can be pretty hesitant to leave their baby with a sitter, the 16 year old down the block can't watch a 6 months old, you need an experienced sitter for that and they're hard to find/more expensive and even then the parents might not feel comfortable leaving the baby.

Once you decide which is the lesser of two evils, you need to clearly explain to your friend what your decision is, as you can tell dancing around the issue just makes her think her baby is allowed, you not being clear is hurting both of you and if you can't make a decision and express it you're just going to hurt her feelings and your relationship if you let this hang. You should have told her right away that either her baby was or was not definitely welcome, so she could figure out her plans.

This isn't a unique issue and people being blunt or straightforward is in no ways shaming.

banana468

Knottie1436537325 said:

A friend-colleague had a baby about 5 months ago and is invited to the wedding. She knows that it's a child-free wedding and reception but has asked me to lift to rule just for her. I'm really uncomfortable with being super blunt but I did indicate that wasn't really an option. Now, whenever the wedding comes up she talks about how she's going to be the only one there "with a baby on her boob." I usually give her a "haha...very funny look" and don't affirm that this is ok. It's becoming clear that she may actually do it. It's a very fussy child so it's presence will not go unnoticed. 

Help, I really like her and don't want to make our friendship/working relationship awkward. 

Is this friend/colleague also a coworker?   I ask because this also muddies the professional relationship depending on how you handle it.

The short answer is that you're well within your rights to say, "I may have been unclear before but this is an adult event.   If you think your child needs to be with you then I understand if you need to decline."   

That said, if you're going to see this woman on a daily basis, only you know whether or not that opens a Pandora's box of issues for your daily business relationship.

Please also understand that a formal event is not the same as working and having a baby.   When I had a 5 mo, I would pump every 2-3 hours.   That meant that in a given work day, I would need to stop and close my office door for 20-25 minutes 2-3 times in an 8.5 hour period.   If she arranges for childcare then this is how her day could play out.  For lack of information I'm assuming you are having your ceremony in a house of worship with a reception immediately following in a reception venue:

-Drop off baby and nurse at departure.
-Drive to venue and attend ceremony (approximately 1-1.5 hours lapsing)
-Drive to reception - opt to pump in the car during the drive.
-Reception starts, enjoy cocktail hour
-Approximately 2 hours into reception, pump after dinner - try to find place to pump that isn't standing at bathroom sink wearing hooter hider. (BTDT in an airport TYVM)
-2 hours later about 1/2 hour before reception is over, make choice with partner - do I pump now again or do we leave shortly?   If baby is a good sleeper and it's a night reception, you could pump now or if baby is a crappy sleeper then you hope baby wakes and then feels really satisfied by what are now your engorged breasts. 

However when you have the baby with you, you don't need to excuse yourself to nurse, it's quiet, and the baby generally covers what you need to cover.   

You are fine to tell her no.   But please understand that, "Moms make arrangements when going back to work," means that the workplace is required to work with nursing moms.   That's not entirely comparable for a wedding reception.   If we're talking about a really fussy child, I'd hope that she'd opt to remove the baby if fussing like crazy.   Most 5 mos are far less noisy than older kids.   I'd take the noise level of my son when he was 5 over now that he's almost 2 any day.

SaintPaulGal

Knottie1436537325 said:

So, is the entire purpose of this board for people to shame the original posters actually asking for help? 

How did anyone "shame" you?  You came here with a problem: you don't want children at your wedding, but your friend wants to bring her newborn.  You aren't sure how to answer. 

I agree with everyone who pointed out that you need to address this head-on, like, yesterday.  It will only get worse the longer you allow this to go on.  She clearly thinks she is bringing her kid, and you haven't actually told her otherwise.  Knowing looks do not count as telling someone something.

You really only have two options: tell her no or tell her yes.  If you tell her no, be prepared for her to decline to attend--not out of spite, but because it may be too logistically difficult to pull off.  If you tell her yes, be prepared for her to spend the majority of her energy paying attention to the baby rather than to you.  You need to decide, if she and her kid are a package deal, do you want both or neither.  I say this as someone who will not be inviting kids to my wedding.  Either decision is fine.  No judgment. 

aurianna

So you definitely do not need to invite the baby. But even if you do, it might be ok.

I took my baby to church twice when she was 4 months old. She slept the entire time both times.
I've personally taken her to three restaurants. She slept the entire time 2/3 and was only mildly fussy at the third.
And she is now 6 months old. My mom has been taking her out to dinner with her 1-2 a week since she was 3 months old. She almost never has a problem.

All babies are different. But it's totally possible the child will sleep and/or just quietly feed the entire time. (not guaranteed. But possible!)

ShesSoCold

I agree with PPs, you do not have to invite "it", but you should, IMHO.

Or you can refer to your friend's child as "it" a few more times, to her face, and the problem will likely work itself out and she won't come at all.

lyndausvi

 I only allowed my nieces and nephews at my wedding.  I did not make an exception for babies.    I can honestly say not one decline came from someone who had kids (and a few of them had babies under the age of one).  Some  had a babysitter hang back at the hotel.  Others left their kids back home.

 I have zero regrets over my choice.

That all said, unlike you I was VERY clear on our choice.  Other than my nieces and nephew,  kids, regardless of age were not invited and will not be allowed.  At no time was a vague about our choice.

Stop giving her the impression that the baby is welcome.   Let her know you understand if she is not able to attend because of the baby, but he/she will not be welcomed.

thisismynickname2

Knottie1436537325 said:

A friend-colleague had a baby about 5 months ago and is invited to the wedding. She knows that it's a child-free wedding and reception but has asked me to lift to rule just for her. I'm really uncomfortable with being super blunt but I did indicate that wasn't really an option. Now, whenever the wedding comes up she talks about how she's going to be the only one there "with a baby on her boob." I usually give her a "haha...very funny look" and don't affirm that this is ok. It's becoming clear that she may actually do it. It's a very fussy child so it's presence will not go unnoticed. 

Help, I really like her and don't want to make our friendship/working relationship awkward. 

STUCK IN BOX

OMG, bitches be cray, amiright?

"Friend, you're so funny! But... you're not bringing it, right? I can't lift the no-kids rule, that's not fair to anyone else with kids. Don't you and [significant other] want a night off from parenting? Just get a sitter and pump. What's the problem? Can't wait to do shots and hit the dance floor with you!"

OP, you got great, reasonable responses- not shaming responses. If you were more expecting what I just put in quotes, sarcastically, then ... I don't know what to tell you.

I had a kids-free wedding and my close friend with a 6 week old was able to come without the child. That was her choice and she managed it. Not everyone else will make the same choice (and I did actually tell her she could bring the infant). 

Edit: age of child, whoops

TrixieJess

Yeah, no one shamed you. It was pointed out to you the reasons why your friend might want her nursing child with her as well as the fact that she may decline if you say no. 

Banana has some very good points, I'd like to point out more. I know several babies around your friend's baby's age who will not take to a bottle for a multitude of reasons, your friend's baby may be one of those.

Also, I didn't go back to work until my son was 7 months old and I was lucky enough to be within walking distance to home and was able to nurse on breaks and lunches, which my employer had to make provisions for. He was also eating solids by that point. At 5 months, not so much. 

DrillSergeantCat

If you invited me and my FI knowing we have a 5 month old baby and did not specifically tell me he's not invited (he not it), then I would bring him. He's not taking up an extra seat or eating any of your purchased food. I think of my baby as an extension of myself. If you told me he was absolutely not welcome, I'm not sure what I would do.

kaos16

DrillSergeantCat said:

If you invited me and my FI knowing we have a 5 month old baby and did not specifically tell me he's not invited (he not it), then I would bring him. He's not taking up an extra seat or eating any of your purchased food. I think of my baby as an extension of myself. If you told me he was absolutely not welcome, I'm not sure what I would do.

I have a baby of about the same age. . . . I wouldn't bring him with me to a wedding unless his name was included on the invitation.  If the invitation is addressed to only DH and I, little man will be staying home. I would only bring him if I was specifically told that he WAS invited.

DrillSergeantCat

kaos16 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

If you invited me and my FI knowing we have a 5 month old baby and did not specifically tell me he's not invited (he not it), then I would bring him. He's not taking up an extra seat or eating any of your purchased food. I think of my baby as an extension of myself. If you told me he was absolutely not welcome, I'm not sure what I would do.

I have a baby of about the same age. . . . I wouldn't bring him with me to a wedding unless his name was included on the invitation.  If the invitation is addressed to only DH and I, little man will be staying home. I would only bring him if I was specifically told that he WAS invited.

This is why it's important for OP to say something!

kaos16

DrillSergeantCat said:

kaos16 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

If you invited me and my FI knowing we have a 5 month old baby and did not specifically tell me he's not invited (he not it), then I would bring him. He's not taking up an extra seat or eating any of your purchased food. I think of my baby as an extension of myself. If you told me he was absolutely not welcome, I'm not sure what I would do.

I have a baby of about the same age. . . . I wouldn't bring him with me to a wedding unless his name was included on the invitation.  If the invitation is addressed to only DH and I, little man will be staying home. I would only bring him if I was specifically told that he WAS invited.

This is why it's important for OP to say something!

They might want to invite him. . . .he is quite the party animal!

DrillSergeantCat

@kaos16 he's adorable! Mine is almost always this happy. 

holyguacamole79

@kaos16, @DrillSergeantCat  -   I'd totally want your adorable babies at my wedding!  SO CUTE!

OurWildKingdom

holyguacamole79 said:

@kaos16, @DrillSergeantCat  -   I'd totally want your adorable babies at my wedding!  SO CUTE!

So would I! Our wedding is kid-friendly, but even if it weren't, I'd make an exception for young babies, especially those two!

mntravelingmama

I had a relatively new baby when a friend got married. My children were not invited, nor did I expect them to be. I was also nursing at the time. We missed (skipped) the ceremony completely because it was not near my house and it would have been too long of a day. We went to the reception/dinner for a few hours and then went home. She completely understood and said she would have done the same thing. It all worked out. Offer that option to your friend or relent and let the baby come along.

aurianna

Oh oh what about mine

ILoveBeachMusic

Oh my gosh all the cuteness with the baby pics! I want to hold all of them.

InLoveInQueens

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Oh my gosh all the cuteness with the baby pics! I want to hold all of them.

SITB

It's really not helping my baby fever though, they're all so cute and I want one but not yet

STARMOON44

Here's the thing: if you don't want her baby to come, you have to grow up and tell her that using words. 

missJeanLouise

Y'all are NOT helping with my baby fever.

banana468

Do you want me to talk about how many times a night DS woke up on our vacation or how there's a hand foot and mouth outbreak going through the daycare? 

Or maybe we can talk about side effects of pregnancy and delivery like tearing and hemorrhoids. 

STARMOON44

banana468 said:

Do you want me to talk about how many times a night DS woke up on our vacation or how there's a hand foot and mouth outbreak going through the daycare? 

Or maybe we can talk about side effects of pregnancy and delivery like tearing and hemorrhoids. 

Omg I just had hand foot and mouth. So awful.