Failure to start

SaintPaulGal

No, @SweetSouthernFirecracker, you are explaining yourself just fine.  I guarantee nobody is confused about your meaning: you want your mother to be involved in the process of your wedding planning.  That is understandable.  It's not something unique to your family or to being from the south; it's a standard part of the idealized wedding "script."  

But guess what?  Real life doesn't follow a script. Your real-life mom isn't interested in your little bonding fantasy.  It seems your real-life mom thinks you are making a mistake marrying this guy.  Whether she is right or wrong, it is clear why she wouldn't exactly be dancing on air and skipping off to vendor meetings with you under the circumstances.  

One of the major keys to happiness is this: when people show you who they are, believe them.  Your mom is showing you that she can't or won't give you the sort of mother-daughter wedding extravaganza that you want.  Believe her.  You can't force her to want to be a part of this.  All you can do is adjust your own expectations and go from there.

Your wedding is yours to plan.  If you want a big family wedding--and you can afford to pay for it, because nobody owes you money for a wedding--then go for it!  If you would prefer to skip the stress and go to the courthouse, that is your decision too.  You don't need your mother's help determining whom to invite; just invite the people you want there and skip the ones you don't.  You don't need your mother to tell you if vendors are cheating you; shop around and check reviews online.  Make it clear to your fiance that "if you that's what you want dear" is a bullshit unhelpful response and if he intends to be your partner for life he has to act like it.  He doesn't have to have superhuman fashion sense to research and pick a DJ or set up meetings with some caterers.

Sure it sucks that your mom isn't more interested in your pre-wedding process.  You have every right to be sad about that.  It IS sad.  But it is who she was before the engagement, it's who she is now, and it's most likely who she will be for the rest of her life.  Sparkly diamonds and white dresses don't magically transform our friends and family into completely different, idealized versions of themselves.  All you can do is accept the facts as they are and make the best of the situation.  This is about you and your fiance officially joining together to form an unbreakable partnership and a new family with each other.  Everything else is window dressing. 

charlotte989875

SweetSouthernFirecracker said:

so either I'm still not explaining myself or everyone else here cared about no one else's opinion but their own. I don't want my mother to do the work for me I want my mothers opinion and to share the memories of this occasion with her. Its the only time I will get married or have anything important that I can actually plan from the ground up. Every other occasion in a persons life all ready has most of the details planned out without you, like graduations or births or baptisms. A wedding is unique and special occasion. Why the hell would I want to exclude one of the people in my life who is supposed to love me unconditionally. Its her accomplishment as well to see her daughter married and happy. Why is it such a bad thing that I want her to be as much a part of it as I do my Fi who by the way has no fashion since what so ever which means the only answers I'll get are "if you that's what you want dear." which is utterly useless as a real opinion

I really do understand where you're coming from; you want to share these experiences with your mother. 

But it here's the thing, for whatever reason your mother can't or won't be there in the way that you want her to be. That sucks and it's sad, but unfortunately she's probably not going to suddenly change and be super into the planning or the wedding. My Mom made planning difficult, either she wanted everything done her way or she wanted nothing to do with it. She would change her mind on a whim. It was stressful. 

However I accepted that she was not going to be there for me in the ways I wanted and let go of the idea that she would be. My mother is flawed and sometimes does and says really hurtful things. That is about her and I can't let that dictate how I feel. The advice in previous posts isn't meant to make you feel bad about being sad that she isn't involved, but rather to hopefully explain that if she isn't there for you the way you want (and often times parents aren't) then you need to find a way to make yourself happy and surround yourself with people who do love you in the way you need. Starting with yourself and your FI. I promise in the long run this is for the best. 

badbnagdway

charlotte989875 said:

SweetSouthernFirecracker said:

so either I'm still not explaining myself or everyone else here cared about no one else's opinion but their own. I don't want my mother to do the work for me I want my mothers opinion and to share the memories of this occasion with her. Its the only time I will get married or have anything important that I can actually plan from the ground up. Every other occasion in a persons life all ready has most of the details planned out without you, like graduations or births or baptisms. A wedding is unique and special occasion. Why the hell would I want to exclude one of the people in my life who is supposed to love me unconditionally. Its her accomplishment as well to see her daughter married and happy. Why is it such a bad thing that I want her to be as much a part of it as I do my Fi who by the way has no fashion since what so ever which means the only answers I'll get are "if you that's what you want dear." which is utterly useless as a real opinion

I really do understand where you're coming from; you want to share these experiences with your mother. 

But it here's the thing, for whatever reason your mother can't or won't be there in the way that you want her to be. That sucks and it's sad, but unfortunately she's probably not going to suddenly change and be super into the planning or the wedding. My Mom made planning difficult, either she wanted everything done her way or she wanted nothing to do with it. She would change her mind on a whim. It was stressful. 

However I accepted that she was not going to be there for me in the ways I wanted and let go of the idea that she would be. My mother is flawed and sometimes does and says really hurtful things. That is about her and I can't let that dictate how I feel. The advice in previous posts isn't meant to make you feel bad about being sad that she isn't involved, but rather to hopefully explain that if she isn't there for you the way you want (and often times parents aren't) then you need to find a way to make yourself happy and surround yourself with people who do love you in the way you need. Starting with yourself and your FI. I promise in the long run this is for the best. 

OP has gotten some good advice on this thread. My own experience with my mother is this: my mother loves me and has always been supportive of my major life's ambitions and achievements. My mom was happy for me when I told her H and I were getting married and she likes my H (but as has been said, getting married is not an achievement). My mom is not a party planning type of person. She had no interest in helping me pick out a wedding dress or many other aspects of the wedding. She does love flowers and gardening so I consulted with her on types of flowers that would be hardy and not wilt, flowers that are common in the colors I wanted, etc. She also came to town a couple of days before the wedding because she wanted to help me run errands and make sure I wasn't stressed, and she also went to the venue to check on the set-up the day of because she is good at and likes directing people. In other words, she helped in the ways she wanted to and I tried to include her in the aspects of the wedding that appeal to her interests.

Do not expect your mother to help you with everything, in fact, expect her to help with nothing and be pleasantly surprised if she wants to help you at all. Consider the types of things she likes and ask for her input where her interests collide with your planning. If she is not interested then do not push her. And certainly do not expect anyone to help you financially with your wedding. Plan the wedding you can afford yourselves. 

InLoveInQueens

Some people just don't want to participate in the way you wish they would, if you stand around twiddling your thumbs waiting for them to change just because you're getting married you're going to have some buff thumb muscles and no wedding.

She's already shown you her level of participation, and just because family affairs are common where you are it doesn't mean you will have the same experience. If you want to get married, do it! Plan and pay for the wedding you and your fiance can afford and manage and enjoy your life. Weddings aren't accomplishments and they don't change people, you expecting it to is why you keep stalling.

You can have all the dreams and make all the plans in the world, but reality won't follow along and you have to adapt or accept. So do you want to change your plans/vision or do you want to never get married because your mom won't help? That's a decision only you can make, but your wedding is about you and your fiance and they might feel differently re: waiting or doing it yourselves.