Who to invite to rehearsal?? S.O.S

Knottie03548242

For our rehearsal dinner I am struggling with who to invite for plus ones. All of my bridesmaids have S.O's except one who has a received a plus one to the wedding (which my fiance was furious about (which is ridiculous). One of my bridesmaids is married and is travelling up from NYC (the wedding is in MA). Another bridesmaid is also carpooling with the couple above  and bringing her long time boyfriend. My sister's boyfriend is def coming to the rehearsal dinner as it's my MOH and he should be there. But my other two bridesmaids I don't know what to do, one is single and received a plus one to the wedding (which she is bringing a random guy from VT) and the other's boyfriend is local. We want this dinner to be intimate I don't want to have everyone and their brother there ..... what do I do???

cowgirl8238

Everyone who is at the rehearsal goes to the dinner.  I would include everyone's dates/SO's/or travel companions, it is only fair that they get fed (especially if they are carpooling with others!).  If you can I would also include the plus one's of any local people as well.

STARMOON44

Invite them. You don't exclude two peoples dates, it is rude. 

flantastic

Knottie03548242 said:

For our rehearsal dinner I am struggling with who to invite for plus ones. All of my bridesmaids have S.O's except one who has a received a plus one to the wedding (which my fiance was furious about (which is ridiculous). One of my bridesmaids is married and is travelling up from NYC (the wedding is in MA). Another bridesmaid is also carpooling with the couple above  and bringing her long time boyfriend. My sister's boyfriend is def coming to the rehearsal dinner as it's my MOH and he should be there. But my other two bridesmaids I don't know what to do, one is single and received a plus one to the wedding (which she is bringing a random guy from VT) and the other's boyfriend is local. We want this dinner to be intimate I don't want to have everyone and their brother there ..... what do I do???

As far as I can tell, the difference is the plus one for the one bridesmaid. You have to invite all the significant others, local or not (they can decline if they don't want to come). So this is one person on the invite list, especially one who won't know anyone else in town. Hardly "everyone and their brother." Invite all of them, since you need to invite most of them anyway.

lyndausvi

Invite all the SO/dates/plus ones.        It's easy as that.

ILoveBeachMusic

Agree with PPs. All SOs should be invited to the RD. The one who is traveling from out of time who isn't a SO should also be invited because they are the plus one of an OOT guest. I think I read somewhere on TK that if a true plus one (i.e. not a SO) is local they don't have to be invited to the RD. Hope I didn't dream that!

lyndausvi

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Agree with PPs. All SOs should be invited to the RD. The one who is traveling from out of time who isn't a SO should also be invited because they are the plus one of an OOT guest. I think I read somewhere on TK that if a true plus one (i.e. not a SO) is local they don't have to be invited to the RD. Hope I didn't dream that!

I agree with that statement.  However, nothing it set in stone.  I wouldn't exclude one person in this case.    They might not come anyway, but is it really worth excluding one person's, by default is one of your nearest and dearest, date? I personally do not think so.

banana468

Let's put it this way: do you think it's nice to leave those dates in hotel rooms??

Invite them.   

AddieCake

I never understand why it's even a question whether or not someone's SO would be invited. 

lyndausvi

AddieCake said:

I never understand why it's even a question whether or not someone's SO would be invited. 

exactly.   The SOS is self-imposed.   Just invite them all and move on to a real problem.

ILoveBeachMusic

lyndausvi said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Agree with PPs. All SOs should be invited to the RD. The one who is traveling from out of time who isn't a SO should also be invited because they are the plus one of an OOT guest. I think I read somewhere on TK that if a true plus one (i.e. not a SO) is local they don't have to be invited to the RD. Hope I didn't dream that!

I agree with that statement.  However, nothing it set in stone.  I wouldn't exclude one person in this case.    They might not come anyway, but is it really worth excluding one person's, by default is one of your nearest and dearest, date? I personally do not think so.

I totally agree, I just meant according to etiquette. I would invite the plus one also.

aurianna

OP, I understand wanting to have an intimate event and I understand that it can be expensive to add heads.

But the thing is that a rehearsal dinner is a social event. And at a social event you have to invite social units. This means that inviting all SOs is non-negotiable.

Also, part of throwing a wedding and throwing a RD is being a good hostess and taking your friends feelings into consideration. How do you think your friend will feel if she's told she must leave her date in the hotel that night? And while the RD and wedding are not the same thing, that BM's friend is an invited guest to your wedding, so he may feel very unwelcome being told to sit out. Also, how would your friend feel if she was the only person at the table that wasn't allowed to bring her wedding date to the RD?

Going to the rehearsal isn't necessarily totally fun for a BP member. It's a time commitment and frankly often a tad boring. The RD is a thank you to your BP for going to the rehearsal. Thank your BP by letting them all enjoy dinner with their dates. Separating them from their SOs/traveling companions for an even longer stretch of time isn't the best thank you.

Sherbie25

Knottie03548242 said:

For our rehearsal dinner I am struggling with who to invite for plus ones. All of my bridesmaids have S.O's except one who has a received a plus one to the wedding (which my fiance was furious about (which is ridiculous). One of my bridesmaids is married and is travelling up from NYC (the wedding is in MA). Another bridesmaid is also carpooling with the couple above  and bringing her long time boyfriend. My sister's boyfriend is def coming to the rehearsal dinner as it's my MOH and he should be there. But my other two bridesmaids I don't know what to do, one is single and received a plus one to the wedding (which she is bringing a random guy from VT) and the other's boyfriend is local. We want this dinner to be intimate I don't want to have everyone and their brother there ..... what do I do???

I also find this disconcerting. Why on earth would he be furious about this?

JBee85

OP: I had a bride pull what you're planning. She had 8 bridesmaids and invited some of their significant others. I was the only one engaged at the time - was getting married two months after her wedding - and she decided not to invite my fiancé. She argued cost and that I didn't "live far away" (I was from out of state and it was a 50 min drive one way to the RD). 

Her and I aren't friends anymore. She later disrespected me AFTER her wedding, and the RD was the icing.

JBee85

Read my thread. It comes from the bridesmaid's perspective, and it's the advice that was given to me that you should read.

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1037038/no-bridesmaid-sos-invited-to-rehearsal-dinner/p1

LtPowers

Sherbie25 said:

Knottie03548242 said:

For our rehearsal dinner I am struggling with who to invite for plus ones. All of my bridesmaids have S.O's except one who has a received a plus one to the wedding (which my fiance was furious about (which is ridiculous). One of my bridesmaids is married and is travelling up from NYC (the wedding is in MA). Another bridesmaid is also carpooling with the couple above  and bringing her long time boyfriend. My sister's boyfriend is def coming to the rehearsal dinner as it's my MOH and he should be there. But my other two bridesmaids I don't know what to do, one is single and received a plus one to the wedding (which she is bringing a random guy from VT) and the other's boyfriend is local. We want this dinner to be intimate I don't want to have everyone and their brother there ..... what do I do???

I also find this disconcerting. Why on earth would he be furious about this?

Some people don't like the idea of complete strangers at their wedding. If someone you haven't met yet comes to your wedding as part of a social unit with a dear friend or relative, that's one thing -- that's meeting someone you're likely to want to spend time with in the future, or at least likely to encounter again. But it's a little different when that connection isn't there.

Of course, since this one bridesmaid is apparently the only one not part of a social unit, it would seem a bit odd to leave her the only one without a date. But only a bit.

banana468

LtPowers said:

Sherbie25 said:

Knottie03548242 said:

For our rehearsal dinner I am struggling with who to invite for plus ones. All of my bridesmaids have S.O's except one who has a received a plus one to the wedding (which my fiance was furious about (which is ridiculous). One of my bridesmaids is married and is travelling up from NYC (the wedding is in MA). Another bridesmaid is also carpooling with the couple above  and bringing her long time boyfriend. My sister's boyfriend is def coming to the rehearsal dinner as it's my MOH and he should be there. But my other two bridesmaids I don't know what to do, one is single and received a plus one to the wedding (which she is bringing a random guy from VT) and the other's boyfriend is local. We want this dinner to be intimate I don't want to have everyone and their brother there ..... what do I do???

I also find this disconcerting. Why on earth would he be furious about this?

Some people don't like the idea of complete strangers at their wedding. If someone you haven't met yet comes to your wedding as part of a social unit with a dear friend or relative, that's one thing -- that's meeting someone you're likely to want to spend time with in the future, or at least likely to encounter again. But it's a little different when that connection isn't there.

Of course, since this one bridesmaid is apparently the only one not part of a social unit, it would seem a bit odd to leave her the only one without a date. But only a bit.

This is awful advice.   It implies that not inviting the date isn't rude.    It IS rude.  

ernursej

I was the only one of my friend group not extended an invitation to my then bf (now FI) for a friend's wedding. Her rationale was we hadn't been dating for at least a year. Fast forward 7 years later and we are the only couple that is still together. Always include SOs and for something like a rehearsal dinner, if someone is bringing a +1 to the wedding, they should be extended an invite to the RD. The +1 isn't going to have much fun hanging out in a hotel. It is also a great chance to meet them and make them feel more welcome for the wedding the next day. I would say that someone bringing a +1 to a wedding is likely going to bring someone that is important in their life (close friend or family member) so if they are important to the friend, they should be important to the B+G.

Jen4948

I wasn't invited to bring a date to my brother's wedding, in which I was a bridesmaid, although I wasn't in a relationship at the time.

But there was so much family stuff going on that I don't think I would have gotten to spend any time with my date if I'd gotten an invitation for a plus-one, so it might be just as well.

charlotte989875

LtPowers said:

Sherbie25 said:

Knottie03548242 said:

For our rehearsal dinner I am struggling with who to invite for plus ones. All of my bridesmaids have S.O's except one who has a received a plus one to the wedding (which my fiance was furious about (which is ridiculous). One of my bridesmaids is married and is travelling up from NYC (the wedding is in MA). Another bridesmaid is also carpooling with the couple above  and bringing her long time boyfriend. My sister's boyfriend is def coming to the rehearsal dinner as it's my MOH and he should be there. But my other two bridesmaids I don't know what to do, one is single and received a plus one to the wedding (which she is bringing a random guy from VT) and the other's boyfriend is local. We want this dinner to be intimate I don't want to have everyone and their brother there ..... what do I do???

I also find this disconcerting. Why on earth would he be furious about this?

Some people don't like the idea of complete strangers at their wedding. If someone you haven't met yet comes to your wedding as part of a social unit with a dear friend or relative, that's one thing -- that's meeting someone you're likely to want to spend time with in the future, or at least likely to encounter again. But it's a little different when that connection isn't there.

Of course, since this one bridesmaid is apparently the only one not part of a social unit, it would seem a bit odd to leave her the only one without a date. But only a bit.

I'm sorry but I think this is completely ridiculous. You don't want "strangers" at your wedding, but it's not like you're just opening the door and telling people to come in off the street. They are clearly there because they are with someone you invited. Sure you may not have met them before and you're not close to them, but they are close to someone you have asked to be there. 

To be honest this just sounds like an excuse not to properly host your guests. 

AddieCake

We had several strangers at my wedding as there were several people whose spouses we had never met, let alone the SOs and plus ones!  I didn't even meet my husband's mother or brother and sister until the rehearsal. This whole "Strangers at my wedding?!?! Egads!" shit is absurd. 

PrettyGirlLost

charlotte989875 said:

LtPowers said:

Sherbie25 said:

Knottie03548242 said:

For our rehearsal dinner I am struggling with who to invite for plus ones. All of my bridesmaids have S.O's except one who has a received a plus one to the wedding (which my fiance was furious about (which is ridiculous). One of my bridesmaids is married and is travelling up from NYC (the wedding is in MA). Another bridesmaid is also carpooling with the couple above  and bringing her long time boyfriend. My sister's boyfriend is def coming to the rehearsal dinner as it's my MOH and he should be there. But my other two bridesmaids I don't know what to do, one is single and received a plus one to the wedding (which she is bringing a random guy from VT) and the other's boyfriend is local. We want this dinner to be intimate I don't want to have everyone and their brother there ..... what do I do???

I also find this disconcerting. Why on earth would he be furious about this?

Some people don't like the idea of complete strangers at their wedding. If someone you haven't met yet comes to your wedding as part of a social unit with a dear friend or relative, that's one thing -- that's meeting someone you're likely to want to spend time with in the future, or at least likely to encounter again. But it's a little different when that connection isn't there.

Of course, since this one bridesmaid is apparently the only one not part of a social unit, it would seem a bit odd to leave her the only one without a date. But only a bit.

I'm sorry but I think this is completely ridiculous. You don't want "strangers" at your wedding, but it's not like you're just opening the door and telling people to come in off the street. They are clearly there because they are with someone you invited. Sure you may not have met them before and you're not close to them, but they are close to someone you have asked to be there. 

To be honest this just sounds like an excuse not to properly host your guests. 

This.

If you want to be a good host, then you GTFO this ridiculous notion or you elope if "strangers" at your wedding causes you that much agita.

Over the course of the entire reception, couples spend very little time with each guest individually anyways, so it's not like they are being forced to endure hours with this *gasp* "stranger."

lyndausvi

AddieCake said:

We had several strangers at my wedding as there were several people whose spouses we had never met, let alone the SOs and plus ones!  I didn't even meet my husband's mother or brother and sister until the rehearsal. This whole "Strangers at my wedding?!?! Egads!" shit is absurd. 

This.

I'm in the camp of, if it's important to someone I deem worthy enough to my wedding to have a companion of some sort, then it should be important to me to welcome them.  The fact that I've met them or not is completely irrelevant.  

Most couples barely spend anytime with individual guests anyway.   Certainly you can handle a quick hello to a dear friend's/family member's companion.  

Then the guest and "stranger" get to spend the rest of the reception  together while the couple moves on to another guest.

lnixon8

I've been on the other side of the bridesmaid SO debacle: I was told that at 21 I was to tell anyone that asked that my bf was my FI, great friends with bride and groom (he had never met either).But we lived far away, first non-family wedding for either of us so...

 Blew up in brides face after someone passed mic to (also 21, now DH) who made a toast using the wrong name for the groom. The other bridesmaids, cousins etc. were pissed when they found out.

PaperTigersx

lnixon8 said:

I've been on the other side of the bridesmaid SO debacle: I was told that at 21 I was to tell anyone that asked that my bf was my FI, great friends with bride and groom (he had never met either).But we lived far away, first non-family wedding for either of us so...

 Blew up in brides face after someone passed mic to (also 21, now DH) who made a toast using the wrong name for the groom. The other bridesmaids, cousins etc. were pissed when they found out.

Why did you have to do this? 

AddieCake

PaperTigersx said:

lnixon8 said:

I've been on the other side of the bridesmaid SO debacle: I was told that at 21 I was to tell anyone that asked that my bf was my FI, great friends with bride and groom (he had never met either).But we lived far away, first non-family wedding for either of us so...

 Blew up in brides face after someone passed mic to (also 21, now DH) who made a toast using the wrong name for the groom. The other bridesmaids, cousins etc. were pissed when they found out.

Why did you have to do this? 

Or better yet, why did you AGREE to do it?

disneyfan89

I know two people who had rehearsal dinners strictly with parents of the bride/groom and their wedding party. No +ones or dates. Nobody cared or cried about how rude it was because it was one financially better for the couple already stretched on their limit and 2 because...who cares lol?

That being said if you are inviting everyone else's SO then everyone should get one, I would be annoyed if i was told no to mine but arrived and everyone else had theirs.

So basically either they should all get one or none of them.

redwoodoriginal

disneyfan89 said:

I know two people who had rehearsal dinners strictly with parents of the bride/groom and their wedding party. No +ones or dates. Nobody cared or cried about how rude it was because it was one financially better for the couple already stretched on their limit and 2 because...who cares lol?

That being said if you are inviting everyone else's SO then everyone should get one, I would be annoyed if i was told no to mine but arrived and everyone else had theirs.

So basically either they should all get one or none of them.

Actually, lots of people care because it's rude to not invite someone's SO if they're taking the time and effort to be in your wedding and attend a rehearsal. What if I'm from OOT and my SO knows no one but we flew in together? He has to hang out and eat dinner alone bc you (general you) couldn't be bothered to be polite and extend an invite to my SO? No thanks....

So no, you're wrong in that "none should get one". Everyone should always get their SO/plus one invited unless they legit don't have a plus one invited. 

banana468

disneyfan89 said:

I know two people who had rehearsal dinners strictly with parents of the bride/groom and their wedding party. No +ones or dates. Nobody cared or cried about how rude it was because it was one financially better for the couple already stretched on their limit and 2 because...who cares lol?

That being said if you are inviting everyone else's SO then everyone should get one, I would be annoyed if i was told no to mine but arrived and everyone else had theirs.

So basically either they should all get one or none of them.

If I'm in a wedding or DH is and only one of us is invited to the RD, you can bet I would not say"I don't care." 

geebee908

I wasn't invited a RD for a wedding my husband was BM for. I was not okay with that; it definitely felt like a slight to me.

SaintPaulGal

disneyfan89 said:

I know two people who had rehearsal dinners strictly with parents of the bride/groom and their wedding party. No +ones or dates. Nobody cared or cried about how rude it was because it was one financially better for the couple already stretched on their limit and 2 because...who cares lol?

That being said if you are inviting everyone else's SO then everyone should get one, I would be annoyed if i was told no to mine but arrived and everyone else had theirs.

So basically either they should all get one or none of them.

If you can't afford a $5 deli sandwich for your very closest friends and family in the world and the partners those people have chosen for themselves, you are doing something very wrong.  Domino's even has $6 pizzas that feed 2-3 people each.  You don't have to have a lavish, fancy, opulent affair.  You just feed the people who gave up a chunk of their day for you, as well as their companions.