My sister frowns upon my tinder lifestyle

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
In college I started having a series of flings and casual sex with no consequences. I never had an issue with it and neither anyone else in my life. I’m now 30 and I’m still hooking up. I love Tinder. The trouble is, now that I’m older I’m getting a lot of judgment thrown at me. My sister says I need to find a nice guy and settle down. My friends say variations on the same theme. I’m OK with things the way they are. I doubt I could settle into monogamy anyway, and I’ve never really wanted kids. Last night I told my sister that and she said I’d better get my act together or I’d be too old for a “real” relationship and would have to settle. So I’m wondering—can you get too old for casual flings? Do real relationships have a sell-by date?

—Too Old for Flings

missJeanLouise

Sister is being a little judgmental. Assuming LW isn't using hookups to mask her severe depression or low self esteem, she is fine. If it is affecting her job or relationship with others, which some might argue it already has with her sister, it maybe time for some self reflection.

bleve0821

If LW is happy with where she is in her life, and with her life choices, I think she's worrying needlessly.  Sister really does need to butt out.  She may "mean well" and be "looking out for" LW, but unless LW's actions are self-destructive or dangerous, I think LW is fine to be trusted to make her own decisions concerning relationships.

I am constantly amazed at how judgmental people can be when the life choices of others don't mirror their own.  It's none of their business.

AddieCake

I think if she is still enjoying herself, she should keep doing what she wants. Just because it's not a life her sister would choose doesn't mean she should have to change to accommodate. If her friends are judging her, too, and she thinks she is going to start losing friends and her sister, then she might want to slow it down, but I feel bad that she would be made to feel like she had to. I don't think of 30 as all that old, TBH. At a certain age, I would start to judge it and feel embarrassed for her, but not at 30. 

charlotte989875

If she's enjoying herself, being safe, and is satisfied with where he life is, everyone else needs to mind their own business. 

Maybe be she'll meet someone who she wants to "settle down" with, maybe she won't. Maybe she'll enjoy being unattached for the rest of her life. If it works for her, who cares. 

AuntFlo

Sister is obvs jelly.

TrixieJess

Meh, I was doing the same thing at 30 (only without Tinder). It's not a big deal, some people just don't want to settle down, they just want sex. If she's not hurting herself or anyone else, her sister needs to sit her judgey pants down!

kimmiinthemitten

Ugh, I hate the idea that a woman needs to "settle down."  I was doing the same thing until I met FI when I almost 33, and I still slept with him on the second date.

I'd tell my sister to go fuck herself.

MandyPandy87

I think it's time for her sister to mind her own business. 

If LW is happy with where she is and what she's doing, and she's being safe, I see absolutely no issue with this. You do you. 

ShesSoCold

LW should respond to her sister/friends with something like "but why though?". No one will have an actual answer except "well you should..." or "well that's just what you do..." and maybe they'll realize they're assbags.

VarunaTT

Your sex life is no one's business but yours and those you have sex with.  Hell, after I moved out of the house, I got real damn busy, real damn fast.  One of my friends nicknamed it the "Varuna's vag-about".  

If this woman is paying her bills and living her life, sister needs to STFU.

Heffalump

missJeanLouise said:

Sister is being a little judgmental. Assuming LW isn't using hookups to mask her severe depression or low self esteem, she is fine. If it is affecting her job or relationship with others, which some might argue it already has with her sister, it maybe time for some self reflection.

But if the only reason it's affecting her relationship with her sister is because her sister is a Judgy McJudgypants, then it's not on the LW to change.  It's on her sister to take the stick out of her butt and say "It wouldn't be my preference, but Sis is happy and that's what matters."  It's only a problem for the sister if she can't mind her beeswax.

missJeanLouise

Heffalump said:

missJeanLouise said:

Sister is being a little judgmental. Assuming LW isn't using hookups to mask her severe depression or low self esteem, she is fine. If it is affecting her job or relationship with others, which some might argue it already has with her sister, it maybe time for some self reflection.

But if the only reason it's affecting her relationship with her sister is because her sister is a Judgy McJudgypants, then it's not on the LW to change.  It's on her sister to take the stick out of her butt and say "It wouldn't be my preference, but Sis is happy and that's what matters."  It's only a problem for the sister if she can't mind her beeswax.

I agree. I was talking more along the lines of it being sometimes easier to see trouble from an outside perspective. Like if her sister and friends are telling her to tone it down, not because they think it is improper for a 30 y/o to get laid but because they think she is putting her self in danger or neglecting other areas of her life. I think Tinder can be addicting to AW and not necessarily healthy for some types of people.

tigerlily6

I have a few friends in their thirties who have found a person to "settle down with" via Tinder when they were just looking for casual hook ups, but realized they met somebody they wanted more with. So OP is definitely not needing to "get her act together" -- if she's happy and relaxed with who she is, that's all that's important . . . and she's getting to survey the field in case there is somebody out there, too. Que sera, sera. No harm, no foul. Sister needs to get off her high horse. 

bleve0821

All of this reminds me a little of when my then-roommate (now BIL... go figure) told me, after he found out that I hadn't dated anyone seriously in years, that, at 25, my "prime baby making window was closing" and I needed "to get a move on and settle down" if I wanted kids.  How in the holy fuck is any of that your business?  From my dating habits, to whom I choose to date, to why I choose whether or not TO date, to my personal decisions on procreation.

It isn't.  None of it is anyone's business.

It wasn't his business, and it's not LW's sister's business.

Also, no one has to "settle" for anything except what makes them happy.

tigerlily6

AtomicBlonde said:

All of this reminds me a little of when my then-roommate (now BIL... go figure) told me, after he found out that I hadn't dated anyone seriously in years, that, at 25, my "prime baby making window was closing" and I needed "to get a move on and settle down" if I wanted kids.  How in the holy fuck is any of that your business?  From my dating habits, to whom I choose to date, to why I choose whether or not TO date, to my personal decisions on procreation.

It isn't.  None of it is anyone's business.

It wasn't his business, and it's not LW's sister's business.

Also, no one has to "settle" for anything except what makes them happy.

BIL sounds like a peach. 

glasgowtolondon

No. No. No. No. No. NO! Sister is being a twat and needs to kindly keep her nose in her own knickers. So do her friends. Some people can't handle it when others don't follow the same path as they do, they seem to take it as a personal insult to their own choices.

kerbohl

She should ask her sister and friends if they would say this sort of thing if she were a man.  If this behaviour is tolerated in men of this age, it's time to be less judgmental of women, and I suspect that might be happening here.  Unless it actually is affecting her relationships/job/life negatively, in which case she should heed the advice and make a decision herself about whether or not she should stop dating casually.  
@AtomicBlonde I want to punch your BIL for that statement.  Got to love it when you get mansplained about women and things men don't know as much about as women do.  

bleve0821

@kerbohl, a huge part of me wants to make a similar comment to him since his wife is now 28 and they have no kids.  But I like to think I'm a better person than that.

If he hadn't caught me so off guard when he said it, he may have gotten a knuckle sandwich.