Should he really bring it up?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My wife and I have been married a long time. I recently found out that there is a very good chance that she slept with her ex back when we were dating. My inclination was to let sleeping dogs lie, since that is long past, but I am good friends with her ex’s brother and we have close mutual friends who I think are aware of this fact. If true, this issue is in no way a deal-breaker for us; I believe it will clear the air if she confirms this and I will offer that I would like not to be the only one who does not know about this. My concern is, will bringing it up at this late date cause more harm than good? I believe I can let it go without mentioning, but it will not be easy to do so. Thank you in advance for your help.

—Statute of Limitations

DrillSergeantCat

If it's not going to change anything, I don't see the point in bringing it up. If it's going to eat at you forever, though, tell her that you know and then let it go since that's what you plan on anyway.

MissKittyDanger

I don't see the point anymore. Too much time has passed.

charlotte989875

What does he hope to achieve by talking about this?

AddieCake

Yeah, too much time has passed. If he's worried about feeling like the only one who doesn't know, he should just assume it happened, and there. That makes him in the know as well. Since it won't change anything, bringing it up accomplishes nothing. 

DrillSergeantCat

charlotte989875 said:

What does he hope to achieve by talking about this?

His pride is hurt because "everyone else" knows about it. He just wants her to admit it to him so that he can say "I know too." 

AuntFlo

I want to know what "married a long time" means to him. Because in my mind, it means 20 years at least. Maybe he's only been married a couple of years, which is a long time in his social circles? He's acting like this is recent stuff that he hasn't had time to process. I mean, at this point he needs to just drop it. I completely disagree with Prudie's advice to bring it up with the wife. He needs to forget about it and move TF on. 

banana468

If it's not a deal breaker what's he hoping to accomplish with this?   Have information that he gets to hold over her head?? 

Maybe acting on this won't be  a major issue for him but if this is still eating at him and he needs to go to other people after this 'years long' marriage I think he has deeper issues. 

tigerlily6

Dude, the Statute of Limitations has run on this issue. Case dismissed. 

short+sassy

DrillSergeantCat said:

charlotte989875 said:

What does he hope to achieve by talking about this?

His pride is hurt because "everyone else" knows about it. He just wants her to admit it to him so that he can say "I know too." 

I got that vibe also.  Dude, if I was a "mutual friend" in the know years ago (I'm assuming) when you all were first dating, I promise I haven't given it a second thought since then.  Really.  We are not all gossiping behind your back about what a cuckold you are.  Welllll, okay, maybe there was a little gossip like that BACK then.  But not now.

glasgowtolondon

I don't buy that it isn't a deal breaker in some way. If it's eating him enough to bring it up after being married a long time (agree - what does that mean to him?) then I'm thinking he wouldn't necessarily just be like, 'I'm glad you admitted it, lets go for burritos".

Also, this thing kinda-sorta happened with one of my girlfriends. When her and now H were dating he went on a tour with his football team and got a handjob from a prostitute. They had been together less than a year. I found out through idle gossip from a mutual friend. At the time it was definitely a thing we talked about, but not now. They are married with a kid, it was a long time ago, and I'm not interested enough in someone elses relationship to really care that much about something that happened years ago. 

monkeysip

If it had happened earlier in their marriage, I would definitely understand bringing it up.  Even if it were a long time ago, violating your marriage is something to at least be addressed.

But they were dating.  If he's sure it never happened after that, then just let it go.  Unless he has some small suspicion that it happened again...