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Should it be this hard?

LivingtheDreamLivingtheDream member
First Comment 5 Love Its
in Wedding Woes
Not even sure what I am looking for other than an outlet to vent this situation.  If you have read my previous post (FMIL and FSIL Troubles!) you know that FH and I have had some struggles with his family since we got engaged. FH recently informed me his mother is upset that we are not having a special brother/sister dance for him and FSIL at the reception and many other issues. 

All of this has amounted to FH telling me he would rather elope than deal with his family's continued nagging throughout the entire planning process (we have 14 months to go).  We have not shared any wedding plans with them since all of the insanity began so I am hoping that will help.  I am just not ready to elope and skip celebrating our marriage with our other friends and family. We are so excited to be marrying each other and the rest of our families are so supportive of us!

We wanted a small wedding from the start, 100 persons or less but FMIL and FSIL have been pushing for a larger wedding (as that was what FSIL had for her wedding).  

FH and I have agreed to stick with a smaller wedding and we are both very happy with this decision! The ceremony will be elegant and beautiful and the reception will be fun. We have settled on ideas we both love and I am thrilled about that.

Unfortunately one of the decisions I am now faced with is cutting down my BP.  Initially I asked my sisters (there are 4) my best friend and FSIL to be BMs. For a total of 6.  FH has clearly stated he does not want to select 6 men to stand with him and I now realize I jumped the gun in asking the BM's...

We have agreed on having a Best Man, MOH and 2 BM and 2GM. Which means I now have to talk with 3 of my BM's.  The upside, no decisions have been made as we are so far out from the wedding date. There are no dresses purchased and no parties planned. FSIL has asked FH to remove her from the WP in the past month so we will be honoring that request and I will be removing 2 of my sisters (one of whom knows the situation and has volunteered to step out.)  I know removing the FSIL (even at her own request) is inevitably going to bring it's own level of drama.  But if I am limited to 3 women standing beside me, I want it to be the ones I love and know love and support me.

I have looked forward to marrying the man I love forever! I so want it to be simple, full of joy and peaceful! Is it supposed to be this hard?
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Re: Should it be this hard?

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    LivingtheDreamLivingtheDream member
    First Comment 5 Love Its
    Heffalump said:

    No, you do not need to cut bridesmaids.  Sides do not need to even (why would they?).  You invite your closest, he invites his.  Sometimes it's coincidentally the same number, sometimes not.

    Think about how it could be potentially hurtful to ask some to step down.  It's like saying "Lara and Sydney made the cut, but sadly, you did not."  That's not a kind way to treat your friends.
    Thank you Heffalump!  You all have no idea how much better I feel knowing the sides don't have to be even!  I don't know why I thought they did!  I don't want to take my sisters out, I asked them for a reason!
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    LivingtheDreamLivingtheDream member
    First Comment 5 Love Its
    DrillSergeantCat said:
    My only suggestion to you is that you don't have to have even numbers in the bridal party and groom party. If you want 6 (well 5 without FSIL) then have them. If you have 5 and he has 3, the MOH and BM go together and then two bridesmaids go with the remaining groomsmen.
    Thank you DrillSergeantCat!  You all have no idea how much better I feel knowing the sides don't have to be even!  I don't know why I thought they did!  I don't want to take my sisters out, I asked them for a reason!
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    LivingtheDreamLivingtheDream member
    First Comment 5 Love Its
    Honestly, I was afraid to post this because I didn't know if I would face ridicule for potentially having to un-ask the BM's.  Thank you all for your responses and honesty!  I love my sisters and wanted them beside me on our big day!  I did BM proposals and everything! I was really freaking out about this!  Thank you all again!
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    FH needs to learn this line, "Mom, I know you aren't happy with the type of wedding Knottie#s and I are planning.  But this is the wedding we want.  It only causes frustrations and hurt feelings when the wedding is talked about between us.  So from here on out, I won't be discussing the wedding with you."  If she tries to then imply she won't attend, "I'm sorry to hear that.  You, of course, are going to be invited.  But if you don't want to attend, that is your decision and you will be missed."

    And count me as someone who had an uneven BP.  H had 3 GM and I had 5 BM.  No one noticed and all was well with the world.  I just had the last two BM walk out together without a GM.  They also were announced into the reception together.

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    DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie1469364641 said:
    Honestly, I was afraid to post this because I didn't know if I would face ridicule for potentially having to un-ask the BM's.  Thank you all for your responses and honesty!  I love my sisters and wanted them beside me on our big day!  I did BM proposals and everything! I was really freaking out about this!  Thank you all again!
    You'll come to learn that asking a BM to step down is seen as a relationship ending move and is only ever suggested here as a final straw. Actually, I'm not sure that I've ever seen it suggested. 
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    LivingtheDreamLivingtheDream member
    First Comment 5 Love Its
    OliveOilsMom said:

    FH needs to learn this line, "Mom, I know you aren't happy with the type of wedding Knottie#s and I are planning.  But this is the wedding we want.  It only causes frustrations and hurt feelings when the wedding is talked about between us.  So from here on out, I won't be discussing the wedding with you."  If she tries to then imply she won't attend, "I'm sorry to hear that.  You, of course, are going to be invited.  But if you don't want to attend, that is your decision and you will be missed."

    And count me as someone who had an uneven BP.  H had 3 GM and I had 5 BM.  No one noticed and all was well with the world.  I just had the last two BM walk out together without a GM.  They also were announced into the reception together.

    Thank you for your reply!  I agree on your suggested conversation and FH has most definitely had a very similar conversation. Unfortunately FMIL and FSIL are huge fans of the use of guilt. Phrases like "you should be ashamed of yourself" and "you're breaking my heart" etc are thrown out regularly now.

    FH is strong and not moved by these statements but, as anyone would, he is hurt that his family is not being supportive. I am continuously reassuring him that no decision we have made should be seen as damaging to either of our relationships with family, and if they make it so, then there is nothing we can do about their reactions. 

    Having the day we want, and we are paying for, should not be this big of an argument.

    I am so happy to hear about your uneven BP! I was concerned about pictures and symmetry, were you happy with how yours turned out? :)
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    ernursejernursej member
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    Knottie1469364641 said:
    OliveOilsMom said:

    FH needs to learn this line, "Mom, I know you aren't happy with the type of wedding Knottie#s and I are planning.  But this is the wedding we want.  It only causes frustrations and hurt feelings when the wedding is talked about between us.  So from here on out, I won't be discussing the wedding with you."  If she tries to then imply she won't attend, "I'm sorry to hear that.  You, of course, are going to be invited.  But if you don't want to attend, that is your decision and you will be missed."

    And count me as someone who had an uneven BP.  H had 3 GM and I had 5 BM.  No one noticed and all was well with the world.  I just had the last two BM walk out together without a GM.  They also were announced into the reception together.

    Thank you for your reply!  I agree on your suggested conversation and FH has most definitely had a very similar conversation. Unfortunately FMIL and FSIL are huge fans of the use of guilt. Phrases like "you should be ashamed of yourself" and "you're breaking my heart" etc are thrown out regularly now.

    FH is strong and not moved by these statements but, as anyone would, he is hurt that his family is not being supportive. I am continuously reassuring him that no decision we have made should be seen as damaging to either of our relationships with family, and if they make it so, then there is nothing we can do about their reactions. 

    Having the day we want, and we are paying for, should not be this big of an argument.

    I am so happy to hear about your uneven BP! I was concerned about pictures and symmetry, were you happy with how yours turned out? :)

    People are not props. The photos will be stunning if you are happy and all the people in your wedding party are happy. I've never once looked at a photo and counted the people on each side. Perhaps if you had 10 maids and your groom had 1 I might think it was weird but only because you had 10 ... not because the sides were uneven.

    Take a deep breath, have a glass of wine (or other adult beverage) and repeat the words "it is just one day" over and over again. The day can be beautiful, special, meaningful and fun ... but your marriage is more important. Continue to support your FI like you have been and remain a united front. Go as far as not talking to FSIL and FMIL if you need to keep things relaxed or drawing the line of "we do not want to talk about the wedding anymore".

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I agree with the above....but I wanted to add this, if FSIL wants to back out and she's already one of the people saying hurtful things and causing drama, then I think you dodged a bullet and have some wine to celebrate. If she's causing this much drama, imagine how difficult it will be down the road when she needs to actually do "bridesmaid" type things, like picking out a dress. Definitively let her step down and I really couldn't try to encourage her to rejoin in the future. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Also, since you are sticking around, change your name to something unique so that people can actually identify you 
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    Ditto on changing your username!

    And I love my pictures.  I love them because my nearest and dearest are included in them.  I love them because H's nearest and dearest are included in them.  I don't look at the pictures and see uneven sides, I look at the pictures and see smiling happy faces on the best day of my life (so far!).

    As for guilt trips, a simple, "I'm sorry you feel that way." would work.  Put it back on them that their feelings do not effect him.

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    LivingtheDreamLivingtheDream member
    First Comment 5 Love Its
    Ironring said:
    I agree with the above....but I wanted to add this, if FSIL wants to back out and she's already one of the people saying hurtful things and causing drama, then I think you dodged a bullet and have some wine to celebrate. If she's causing this much drama, imagine how difficult it will be down the road when she needs to actually do "bridesmaid" type things, like picking out a dress. Definitively let her step down and I really couldn't try to encourage her to rejoin in the future. 
    Thank you!  I have not removed FSIL as a BM at this time.  I tried to meet with her to talk when all of the drama began but she avoided me.  I am hoping to get a chance when things calm down.  If she wants out I won't hold it against her, and if she stays that is fine as well.  I've discussed it with my FH and he agrees, if she asks again the wish will be granted and we will remove her.  That's our game plan at the moment.
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    LivingtheDreamLivingtheDream member
    First Comment 5 Love Its
    Heffalump said:
    Re: "Should it be this hard?"



    This is amazing!  I love it and needed the laugh!
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    drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    LivingtheDream said:
    OliveOilsMom said:

    FH needs to learn this line, "Mom, I know you aren't happy with the type of wedding Knottie#s and I are planning.  But this is the wedding we want.  It only causes frustrations and hurt feelings when the wedding is talked about between us.  So from here on out, I won't be discussing the wedding with you."  If she tries to then imply she won't attend, "I'm sorry to hear that.  You, of course, are going to be invited.  But if you don't want to attend, that is your decision and you will be missed."

    And count me as someone who had an uneven BP.  H had 3 GM and I had 5 BM.  No one noticed and all was well with the world.  I just had the last two BM walk out together without a GM.  They also were announced into the reception together.

    Thank you for your reply!  I agree on your suggested conversation and FH has most definitely had a very similar conversation. Unfortunately FMIL and FSIL are huge fans of the use of guilt. Phrases like "you should be ashamed of yourself" and "you're breaking my heart" etc are thrown out regularly now.

    FH is strong and not moved by these statements but, as anyone would, he is hurt that his family is not being supportive. I am continuously reassuring him that no decision we have made should be seen as damaging to either of our relationships with family, and if they make it so, then there is nothing we can do about their reactions. 

    Having the day we want, and we are paying for, should not be this big of an argument.

    I am so happy to hear about your uneven BP! I was concerned about pictures and symmetry, were you happy with how yours turned out? :)
    To the bolded, that it only works if you allow it to work. You are adults. Hopefully independent adults if you plan to get married. They have no power except what you choose to give them. Stop giving control over you.

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    kkcc2015kkcc2015 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    We had uneven sides (4 GM and 6 bridesmaids). We had two groomsmen walk out with a bridesmaid on each arm, and then one each. No one really noticed (or more likely, no one cared) and my pictures are wonderful because all of the people I love and wanted to honor are there :) 
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    My in-laws made all kinds of demands and tried to guilt trip DH.  Guess who didn't get to see their grandchildren very often?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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    LivingtheDreamLivingtheDream member
    First Comment 5 Love Its
    CMGragain said:
    My in-laws made all kinds of demands and tried to guilt trip DH.  Guess who didn't get to see their grandchildren very often?
    I hate to be that way but I can already tell that's the direction it's heading.  Our continued refusal to play by their rules has resulted in continued drama. I swear they get bored on weekends and think of new was to be insane.
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    LivingtheDreamLivingtheDream member
    First Comment 5 Love Its
    kkcc2015 said:
    We had uneven sides (4 GM and 6 bridesmaids). We had two groomsmen walk out with a bridesmaid on each arm, and then one each. No one really noticed (or more likely, no one cared) and my pictures are wonderful because all of the people I love and wanted to honor are there :) 
    I love this!  Thank you for sharing!
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    LivingtheDreamLivingtheDream member
    First Comment 5 Love Its
    drunkenwitch said:
    LivingtheDream said:
    OliveOilsMom said:

    FH needs to learn this line, "Mom, I know you aren't happy with the type of wedding Knottie#s and I are planning.  But this is the wedding we want.  It only causes frustrations and hurt feelings when the wedding is talked about between us.  So from here on out, I won't be discussing the wedding with you."  If she tries to then imply she won't attend, "I'm sorry to hear that.  You, of course, are going to be invited.  But if you don't want to attend, that is your decision and you will be missed."

    And count me as someone who had an uneven BP.  H had 3 GM and I had 5 BM.  No one noticed and all was well with the world.  I just had the last two BM walk out together without a GM.  They also were announced into the reception together.

    Thank you for your reply!  I agree on your suggested conversation and FH has most definitely had a very similar conversation. Unfortunately FMIL and FSIL are huge fans of the use of guilt. Phrases like "you should be ashamed of yourself" and "you're breaking my heart" etc are thrown out regularly now.

    FH is strong and not moved by these statements but, as anyone would, he is hurt that his family is not being supportive. I am continuously reassuring him that no decision we have made should be seen as damaging to either of our relationships with family, and if they make it so, then there is nothing we can do about their reactions. 

    Having the day we want, and we are paying for, should not be this big of an argument.

    I am so happy to hear about your uneven BP! I was concerned about pictures and symmetry, were you happy with how yours turned out? :)
    To the bolded, that it only works if you allow it to work. You are adults. Hopefully independent adults if you plan to get married. They have no power except what you choose to give them. Stop giving control over you.
    Independent adults is correct :)  The less power they have the crazier they have become.  We are now waiting it out to see if/when they will run out of steam.
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