NWR: Breakup (Warning: Probably a little self involved...)

crowsgirl15

So...short backstory...I started lurking on the Knot boards while helping to plan a friend's wedding a few years ago. Having enjoyed the experience, I apprenticed for a wedding planner, and have assisted part time/done Day of Coordination for a couple years now.

I started posting on the boards because there were a few discussions where I felt I could help/knew what to say based on my experiences with the weddings I'd worked. Also, things with my boyfriend were going well, and I thought we might be headed in the marriage direction.

Key word: Thought.

On Friday, I got dumped. By the guy I thought was it. And it sucks, and it hurts, and it feels awful. I can't say it was 100% unexpected, because things were distant the past few weeks...but it still feels a little like starting back at square one. I guess I'm lucky we weren't living together yet. At least I don't have to deal with that.

I feel a little uncomfortable sharing too much with my friends, as they're friends with both of us, and I don't want to put them in the middle. He's still a good guy, and he didn't really do anything wrong other than make me sad. I hope it's ok I share here...I felt like you guys wouldn't judge me too harshly, and it's really eating me up inside.

It doesn't help that I have a wedding to work next weekend. Any tips for compartmentalizing a tough thing? Thanks for reading...hope this wasn't too over-sharey or self involved.

OurWildKingdom

Damn! I don't have any advice, but I am so sorry. 

((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))

kimmiinthemitten

Oh I'm so sorry!  I believe breakups are usually for the better in the long run, but that doesn't make them any easier today. 

My go to strategy is to drink wine (lots of wine) and watch every sappy love story movie ever and cry it out as much as possible. Although, I don't advise watching 'He's just not that into you' because life isn't a movie and Ben Afflecks not returning in real life. 

The next day I focus on me and fake it till I make it. I try to look and feel cute and figure if I can keep that up, my insides will eventually come around to my outside. 

As for next weekend, that's really tough. I don't know what I'd do for that. Maybe talk to your partner about taking breaks to walk away if you need to. 

ernursej

I think you need to embrace the feelings for a few days for sure. A break up is hard, no matter the reason why. I would plan a few fun things for the next couple of weeks (movie night with a friend, out for dinner with another) so that you have activities to replace time that you might have spent with him.

I find the fake it until you make it the best for moving forward but I also don't think it is wrong to let a few people around you know that you aren't especially happy.

crowsgirl15

OurWildKingdom said:

Damn! I don't have any advice, but I am so sorry. 

((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))

((((HUGS BACK))))) Thank you

kimmiinthemitten said:

Oh I'm so sorry!  I believe breakups are usually for the better in the long run, but that doesn't make them any easier today. 

My go to strategy is to drink wine (lots of wine) and watch every sappy love story movie ever and cry it out as much as possible. Although, I don't advise watching 'He's just not that into you' because life isn't a movie and Ben Afflecks not returning in real life. 

The next day I focus on me and fake it till I make it. I try to look and feel cute and figure if I can keep that up, my insides will eventually come around to my outside. 

As for next weekend, that's really tough. I don't know what I'd do for that. Maybe talk to your partner about taking breaks to walk away if you need to. 

I think you're right about it being better in the long run, because, ultimately, if he didn't see forever, it's nice he let me know. To the bolded, GREAT suggestion. We have a meeting tomorrow about logistics and I will let her know what's going on. She'll get it.

ernursej said:

I think you need to embrace the feelings for a few days for sure. A break up is hard, no matter the reason why. I would plan a few fun things for the next couple of weeks (movie night with a friend, out for dinner with another) so that you have activities to replace time that you might have spent with him.

I find the fake it until you make it the best for moving forward but I also don't think it is wrong to let a few people around you know that you aren't especially happy.

Thank you I'm going to definitely take the advice about staying busy. I tend to wallow.

AddieCake

That sucks. I'm sorry, and here are some vibes that you get in a good place soon.

WinstonsGirl

I'm sorry to hear that.  Yes, feel free to vent here and we can hate him for you and your friends, even if he is still a good guy and didn't really do anything wrong.  

CMGragain

Most of us here can sympathize with you.  We have been there and survived.  I am sorry that you have to go through this, but you will come out of it a stronger and better person.
If I had married the man who I was sure was "it", I would have been divorced a long time ago.  I had to grow before I was ready to marry my husband of 40 years.
Hang in there, girl!  Mr. Right is out there somewhere.  He will come along when you least expect him.

ei34

Ugh!  So sorry!  Breakups suck and this is a great place to vent.  Definitely embrace the feelings you're having and do nice things for yourself if you're feeling especially down.  I'm sorry!

OurWildKingdom

I prescribe chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

levioosa

I'm so sorry.  I disagree with watching romantic comedies though.  I don't know why people want to watch those when they break up.  After my last relationship ended (6 yrs, thought he was the one--thank God he wasn't), all I could watch were action movies. Fuck romance. Romantic movies are all idealized anyways. Yes to the wine though.  All of the wine.  And ice-cream.  

When my last relationship ended, I was crushed.  I think the best decision I could have made was to take a day per year to be as mopey and sad as I could possibly be.  I gave myself time to grieve and I was very conscious about it, and I think that helped, rather than trying to be "chin up, it will all be great" about it.  After the six days, I told myself to stand up, shake it off, and start moving forward.  I was still really sad, but I truly feel like those days of conscious grieving helped a lot.  I'm so sorry.  I know it hurts.  

For the wedding event, I would step out if it starts to become overwhelming, and definitely bring your makeup for touch-ups if you need it.  If you're close to your partner, I would tell them you might need to take a few more breaks than usual.  Come up with some distracting techniques if you start to find your mind drifting to your break-up.  Make a to-do list for the event, so when your mind starts to go to a bad place, you can look at your list and re-focus.  Becoming task oriented will definitely help you from getting side-tracked.  *hugs*

kimmiinthemitten

@levioosa I don't do comedies, I do straight up chick flick like the Bodyguard or Ghost.  It helps me to cry it out in private and get it all out.  

drglitter

Lots of wine, take breaks when you need to, and let yourself have all of the feelings you need to have.

A few years ago, I got dumped, via text message, by the man I thought was "the one". After many tears and many, many bottles of wine, I got over it, and met the man who really is "the one".

You can do this.

*Lot and lots of internet hugs for you*

levioosa

kimmiinthemitten said:

@levioosa I don't do comedies, I do straight up chick flick like the Bodyguard or Ghost.  It helps me to cry it out in private and get it all out.  

Still too much romance for me.  Lol.  I want anger and things smashing.  Apparently I belong in the other thread. 

SP29

Sorry to hear!

I very much agree with the sentiment that it's best in the long run, even if it hurts like hell now.

It's good that he is a good guy (most people are right, they just aren't "it"), but it would be easier if you could hate him a little bit . We can do the hating for you.

Have a good cry- however that feels best to you (wine, movies, pictures, etc). Put everything he ever gave you into a box and put it away in your closet. 6 months or so from now you can take the box out, go through it and decide if there is anything you want to keep. Then do everything and anything that makes you happy. For me, I needed to cry, but then I needed to not be alone, even if I was just sitting beside someone to watch TV.

Hugs!!

spockforprez

500 Days of Summer helped me get through my defining adult breakup. It was really healing, if I can use that work without sounding hokey. The scene at the park where Summer says to Tom, "I kept thinking, Tom was right... it just wasn't me you were right about" was one of the best things that helped me build a bridge from before to after. So, definitely watch movies. Of all sorts. Maybe some gangster flicks so you can get some good violent anger out vicariously Take care, lady!  

OurWildKingdom

levioosa said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

@levioosa I don't do comedies, I do straight up chick flick like the Bodyguard or Ghost.  It helps me to cry it out in private and get it all out.  

Still too much romance for me.  Lol.  I want anger and things smashing.  Apparently I belong in the other thread. 

I can't do romances either. Personally, I'm all about slapstick comedies, the sillier the better, when I feel like crap. 

ETA: Martial arts movies are good too. I'm generally a peace-loving sort, but watching guys beat the crap out of each other can be quite satisfying.

MCmeow

I'm sorry this happened. I'm with everyone else that you will look back at this when you're at a much better place in life. I'd be the comedy movie type, I would need something to force me to laugh.

May I recommend this? Kill two birds with one stone:

downtondiva

I'm sorry you are going through this, OP. I'm afraid I don't have much advice other than to say that it's okay to let yourself feel sad about this for a while. Sometimes, we need to give ourselves time to be upset before we can solve a problem or get past something that hurt us. So don't feel obligated to compartmentalize this right away. 

CMGragain

Movie advice:  Chicago!  "He had it coming, he had it coming...."

emmaaa

So sorry! I'm with PPs, wine and chocolate/ice cream and cry it out for a day or so. I'll be thinking of you. 

southernbelle0915

Oh honey, I'm so sorry...Especially because you thought he was "it".  Time with family/friends/people who care, wine, Netflix binges, and staying busy are what has worked for me. You will get through it. You're always better off not being with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

MandyPandy87

Ugh, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My last breakup was pretty rough too. My coping mechanism was tequila and Beyonce music videos, which seemed to work very well (being tequila drunk and listening to Survivor really makes you feel like a goddess). But that might not be your thing, so just treat yourself over the next few days in whatever way you like to. Time will truly help, just take things day by day. 

MairePoppy

I don't have any advice to add, but I'm sorry for your loss, crowsgirl.

thisismynickname2

Sending hugs your way! Breaking up with the one you thought was the one is just really sucky. I spent 3 years with a guy I thought was the one, and the breakup was just the worst (thank goodness we didn't live together- we just exchanged spare keys and I threw out his toothbrush). 
Not only did I lose the guy, I lost an imagined future. That was the roughest part- rethinking my life without him. 

I can't watch romantic stuff or listen to romantic music after a breakup. I binged on many seasons of Supernatural, binged on Sex and the City (they have it SO much worse than I ever did!), and listened to a lot of Kelly Clarkson ("what doesn't kill you makes you strong-ah"). And honestly, it took me like a year to get over that relationship, even while dating other guys. 

Grieve as much as you need to, however you need to. We're all different. 

short+sassy

I'm so sorry for what happened!  When the "one" (at least I thought so at the time) broke up with me, I decided to open a bottle of champagne and have a glass or two.  Not celebration, it's just my favorite type of wine.

Around glass number 3, I invented my own drinking game.  I thought of every time he wronged me, even if it was trivial, and then took a big swig after each one.  Let's just say I ran out of champagne before my game was finished!

I allowed myself to be sad for a few days, but then forced myself to hang out with friends, go to social events, etc. even if I didn't feel like going.  I kept myself busy to keep from thinking about him.  Sooner than I expected, I found I just wasn't thinking about him anyway because I had trained myself out of it.

I hope this is God/fate (whatever you believe in) opening a window for someone even better for you.  Hang in there and internet hugs to you!

thisismynickname2

short+sassy said:

I hope this is God/fate (whatever you believe in) opening a window for someone even better for you.  Hang in there and internet hugs to you!

STUCK IN BOX

This is such a great point. The last time I got dumped, it was totally out of the blue after a few months of dating and I'd thought the relationship was going well. I signed up for Match.com and met my now husband 10 days later. Thank God I got dumped!

You never know  

crowsgirl15

You guys are so, so awesome. Thank you. I came back to all of these after work, and it was just the best. I think Wine ice cream is my new mission, LOL!

drglitter

MCmeow said:

I'm sorry this happened. I'm with everyone else that you will look back at this when you're at a much better place in life. I'd be the comedy movie type, I would need something to force me to laugh.

May I recommend this? Kill two birds with one stone:

How have I gone my whole life not knowing this existed?!

crowsgirl15

drglitter said:

MCmeow said:

I'm sorry this happened. I'm with everyone else that you will look back at this when you're at a much better place in life. I'd be the comedy movie type, I would need something to force me to laugh.

May I recommend this? Kill two birds with one stone:

How have I gone my whole life not knowing this existed?!

RIGHT?! I want a case just for emergencies.

OurWildKingdom

How are you doing, @crowsgirl15? Been thinking of you.