Moms and Maids

Mother has offered to be involved - suggestions?

Greenjinjo Greenjinjo New Zealand member
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Hi all! 

After meeting up with my mother the weekend just been she mentioned that she would absolutely love to help out with any planning for the wedding. It is still early days (barely started getting quotes for venues) but I would like to get some ideas for what I could get her involved with. 

What I have so far:

-Coming with for trying on wedding dresses 

This is all..
The problem is our wedding is going to be small (~45 people) and I'm pretty keen on not having flowers. Decorations will be limited to what the venue provides (if any), the music will be a premade play list on an ipod and there is no bridal party. 

At brunch she was asking the typical about these things and I mentioned we weren't going to do them but I don't know if she took me seriously. Our priorities are our guests, not how our tables look. 

Since mum is very keen to help I would love some suggestions for items she could be involved with. Any thoughts are definitely appreciated! 

Re: Mother has offered to be involved - suggestions?

  • Greenjinjo Greenjinjo New Zealand member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @LondonLisa that's the thing though, she worded it as though she was wanting projects... I don't want this, believe me! Did you have any family want to be involved when you were planning your own wedding? 

    I guess keeping her in the loop on progress and ideas is the best way to keep her involved. 
    I will get a conversation going next time I see her as to what she was thinking she wanted to plan/help with as I think we may of different ideas of what the wedding will be. Help/involvement in my book is definitely cake flavour suggestions etc, not DIY center pieces. 
  • How is her handwriting?  I properly hand addressed my daughter's wedding invitations.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    OurWildKingdomhuskypuppy14
  • Greenjinjo Greenjinjo New Zealand member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @CMGragain She has very nice hand writing - I will definitely ask her if she would like to help with this closer to the time that invitations will be sent. 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If she wants to do a project, is there anything that you wouldn't really mind if she took over? I know I mentioned favours before, but if she can bake, or if she likes doing crafts, maybe she could do a favour/ name card combo project. Such as baking cookies, or making jams, or even just nicely wrapping some chocolates? I know you want minimal decorations, but would you mind if she did something small? Favours aren't required, but I was just thinking of something she could do that is inexpensive.  She could make it and have each Guests name on it so it serves as a name place setting as well.

    You could also get a couple bottles of the wine you are thinking about serving (if you are) and do a tasting with her to see which ones she likes. Although if you are in NZ I hope you are serving some of your fab sauvignon blancs :) 
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875Greenjinjo
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My mom came with me to look for my dress. I also went with her to pick out what she wanted to wear. I talked to her about the details, but that was about it. My husband and I did everything else ourselves (invites, centerpieces, etc). I didn't give her any projects to do. And she was totally fine just knowing the details. 
    I did put her in charge of a few things on my wedding day - she was my designated person to do my bustle after the ceremony and to help me use the bathroom. 
    charlotte989875Greenjinjo
  • If she wants to actually do something then let her be in charge of things that you don't really care about but would be helpful. Mine did some things like:

    - researching some venues (that was more just to appease her, we had our own list)
    - researching and pricing out plates, cups, napkins etc since we were bringing all of our own and it was something she could do to help. 
    - my mom is crafty and ending up making our cupcake stand
    - we decided to do a sign listing the buffet food and the cupcake flavors. I gave her the info and she made it herself. I didn't care what it looked like so it worked out just fine
    - she made snack baskets and "emergency kits" for both bridal and groom changing rooms (this was her idea to do but it was nice to have some snacks while we got ready and took pictures)

    Would you trust your mom to do anything with decorations or centerpieces? You say you don't care about them, so would you be ok to say "hey mom we're not planning on centerpieces but if you would like to find something or make it that would be cool". That might not be something she would be good at or like but it might be worth exploring since it is something that you don't really care about.
    OurWildKingdomGreenjinjo
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2016
    I would ask her what she would like to be involved in, as there are lots of ways. Maybe she wants a project, maybe she just wants to go with you to appointments.

    If she wants a project and she tells you something like flowers or decor, you can always tell her that you aren't having flowers and the decor is taken care of by the venue. If it's something that you are planning to have, or perhaps something she has offered to pay for, and you don't care that much about, I agree to give her the reins.

    My mom came to most of our appointments with me/us. It was good- she gave some opinions/ I asked for opinions, but at the end of the day, as DH and I were paying, we made the final decision. She never tried to push us in one way or another. We also planned to have a candy bar. DH and I were going to buy candy we both really liked, regardless of what it looked like. My mom was very insistent the candy matched our colours. Then she offered to pay for the candy bar, so I said fine, go for it (as long as it still tastes good)!
    OurWildKingdomGreenjinjo
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You could ask her what she would like to do. I think including her in on appointments would be nice. Asking opinions is nice too. Sometimes it is good to get opinions about stuff from other people. Run the invitation wording by her if she cares about the wording. I wouldn't just give her projects to keep her busy unless it is something she wants to do.
    Greenjinjo
  • What PP's have said are definitely helpful, but also keep in mind there might be smaller things you didn't think of that are last minute you may want to see if she's able to help with.

    For me, the day before the wedding - I actually got home about 20mins before the WP showed up at our place - I was at my mum's and she was helping me wrap the bouquets with ribbon. My H had other stuff to do, so he couldn't help. Luckily she lives close so I ran over and she helped me. It was a small thing, but something I forgot to do.
    OurWildKingdomGreenjinjo
  • Greenjinjo Greenjinjo New Zealand member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thank you everyone for the thoughts and suggestions. I will be having a chat with FH very soon about how comfortable we are with my mother being involved. Everyone had some great ideas and suggestions, will definitely have to keep note of them. 

    Did anyone introduce their mother to pinterest? I think mine may enjoy it and might show her it next time I'm over her way. 
  • Thank you everyone for the thoughts and suggestions. I will be having a chat with FH very soon about how comfortable we are with my mother being involved. Everyone had some great ideas and suggestions, will definitely have to keep note of them. 

    Did anyone introduce their mother to pinterest? I think mine may enjoy it and might show her it next time I'm over her way. 
    I don't use pinterest but my mom liked browsing it for wedding ideas once I was engaged. I think she found the cupcake stand info on there. I was just like hey whatever makes you happy
    Greenjinjo
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Thank you everyone for the thoughts and suggestions. I will be having a chat with FH very soon about how comfortable we are with my mother being involved. Everyone had some great ideas and suggestions, will definitely have to keep note of them. 

    Did anyone introduce their mother to pinterest? I think mine may enjoy it and might show her it next time I'm over her way. 
    My daughter set up a secret pinterest page where we shared ideas for colors, tables and flowers. It was good to get an idea for the bouquets.
    OurWildKingdomGreenjinjo
  • I'm having a very small wedding and like to be in control. My Mom:

    - came to all dress shopping and two of the dress fittings

    -was looped in on flowers, hair

    -came shopping to find a headband

    Otherwise, I've shown her stuff on Pinterest.

    Greenjinjo
  • Greenjinjo Greenjinjo New Zealand member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @ernursej I also like to be in control, am having a small wedding and need everything planned well in advance (not having plans sorted stresses me out). 

    Secret board on pinterest will be the first item to address - will show it to her and see if that is something that she would enjoy using/like to have a bit of fun with. 

    Did anyone here have their FMIL involved during the wedding planning? 
  • @ernursej I also like to be in control, am having a small wedding and need everything planned well in advance (not having plans sorted stresses me out). 

    Secret board on pinterest will be the first item to address - will show it to her and see if that is something that she would enjoy using/like to have a bit of fun with. 

    Did anyone here have their FMIL involved during the wedding planning? 
    Oh, boy!  My wedding was very small and definitely budget.  My FMIL tried to control every aspect of it, including my dress, which I bought on my own without anybody.  I finally figured out that nothing would please her, and I stopped trying. 
    My daughter had a very nice FMIL.  She didn't interfere at all.  She has been lovely to my daughter, and I am so pleased.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Greenjinjo
  • I don't really want my mum involved because we rarely see eye to eye (she hasn't really been pleased with anything I'm doing, so hell no to getting more involved!). She came to look for wedding dresses with me and I took her to see the ceremony and reception venues, but only after we'd booked them. I've kept her in the loop on almost everything we've decided, but since she's had something negative to say about almost everything I'm now stopping that!  ;)
                 
    Greenjinjo
  • @ernursej I also like to be in control, am having a small wedding and need everything planned well in advance (not having plans sorted stresses me out). 

    Secret board on pinterest will be the first item to address - will show it to her and see if that is something that she would enjoy using/like to have a bit of fun with. 

    Did anyone here have their FMIL involved during the wedding planning? 

    My FMIL came to one dress shopping outing, we've shown her pictures of a few things and that is it.
    Greenjinjo
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @ernursej I also like to be in control, am having a small wedding and need everything planned well in advance (not having plans sorted stresses me out). 

    Secret board on pinterest will be the first item to address - will show it to her and see if that is something that she would enjoy using/like to have a bit of fun with. 

    Did anyone here have their FMIL involved during the wedding planning? 
    No, my MIL was not really involved with planning. We asked her opinion on whether she'd like a pin-on or wrist corsage, and filled her in on the details of our rehearsal+dinner. That was about it. MIL did offer any help, nor did I feel the need to ask. I like my MIL, and we get along, but we don't have a super close relationship.
    Greenjinjo
  • edited August 2016
    SIAB

    My MIL was involved in a fair amount because I wanted her to be. She came when I showed my dress to BM and the lunch afterwards, my bachelorette party {which was lunch and getting nails done}
    MIL and Step-FIL paid for the venue and things that came with it, but they knew our vision and gave us more control than we expected for choices - remember, those who pay get more say!

    I think also the difference is that my MIL and I get along. I wanted to have a good relationship with her, not just for my H but for myself and if we have kids. Makes everything easier.
    Greenjinjo
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @ernursej I also like to be in control, am having a small wedding and need everything planned well in advance (not having plans sorted stresses me out). 

    Secret board on pinterest will be the first item to address - will show it to her and see if that is something that she would enjoy using/like to have a bit of fun with. 

    Did anyone here have their FMIL involved during the wedding planning? 
    I'm lucky to have a fantastic MIL. She was involved in the planning, about as much as my own mom was. She came dress shopping, and I went with her. She also helped me pick out my invites and accessories. 
    Greenjinjo
  • Greenjinjo Greenjinjo New Zealand member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    At this point in time I'm thinking of approaching FMIL and seeing if she would like to be involved. We don't live in the same part of the country but will aim to keep her in the loop as much as possible. 

    FMIL uses pinterest (she calls it pin interest lol) so she may like to know about the secret board. Will have a chat with FH and see how he feels about this. Predicted answer will be either "this sounds fine" or "yeah, I don't mind"... 
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
  • ernursej said:

    I'm having a very small wedding and like to be in control. My Mom:

    - came to all dress shopping and two of the dress fittings

    -was looped in on flowers, hair

    -came shopping to find a headband

    Otherwise, I've shown her stuff on Pinterest.

    I initially misread this and thought it said "husband" instead of "headband".  I was like, "What?!?"  Then reread so it made sense and laughed at the snarky comments that popped in my head if my initial reading had been correct.  "Oh no!  Husband shopping needs to come BEFORE the dress shopping."  "Wow, I didn't know this necessary element of the wedding could be custom-ordered."

    To the OP, that sounds really sweet to have pinterest board set up to keep your MIL in the loop, despite living far away.  Especially since she likes pinterest anyway.

    I live 1500 miles away from my mom, but was getting married where she lived.  She really did all the planning for me, but would ask for my and my FI opinions before booking anything.  There was no involvement from my H's family, but then, his parents passed away long before we got married.


    That would be horrible!! FI before dress :)
    OurWildKingdom
  • @CMGragain  sometimes grandparents just know ;)
    OurWildKingdom
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    CMGragain said:
    Well, my grandmother picked out my husband when he was 17 years old.  She nagged me for the next 8 years until I finally decided she was right and married him.  She sat in the front pew and audibly said "I TOLD her so!" when we were saying our vows.
    I love it!
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