I am a widow getting married a second time and am unsure how to include my in-laws on my programs?

Lizshannon714

I am still somewhat close to my in-laws from my first marriage. Its a very hard relationship. They always say they want to be very close but yet they tend to push me away, I think it's too painful for them to be close to me but they dont want to lose me bc I'm basically the only child they have now. Anyway, regarding the programs, how would I include them on it? I think they would be very hurt if  they werent included. 

ernursej

Lizshannon714 said:

Thank you all for your answers, this leaves me very torn now.. like i said, it is not an easy relationship between me and them. They are (understandably) super sensitive about everything and in many aspects, I feel it would be easier on them if they did distance themselves from me, but I think because they had no other children theyve really clung on to me. My fiance knows them well, we go to their house for dinner, we attend each other's family events. I can't say its been the most ideal situation, but my fiance has been super understanding and supportive. I had been planning on getting them the corsages/boutonnieres to match the rest of the parents, but based on all your answers, now i'm second guessing that too. This situation would be too difficult to discuss with them.  Ahhh now I really don't know what to do!!

Often, the most difficult of situations are the ones that need to be talked about. If you are torn, I would have a conversation about it with them. "x and y, because I love and respect you, I want to make sure that I am including you the way you want to be included. I can only imagine that it must be hard to see me moving forward. Would you like to be included in the wedding? Would you like a mention in the program? Would you like to have a bout/corsage?".

Misunderstandings happen when we try to predict how others might feel or act when we could just ask and clarify.

I guarantee it will probably be a very uncomfortable conversation, but it will likely lead to less uncomfortable situations in the future.

Jells2dot0

why would they be hurt about programs? It's your wedding to another person!!! This event is in no way about them at all. If they were truly hurt about the passing of their child, I'm surprised they'd even want to be at your wedding! Also, how would your new family (FI included) feel about having them noted in the program? I realize death is different than divorce, but this could cause some uneasy feelings on a few sides.

[Deleted User]

I really don't see why they would be hurt to not be on the program. They aren't part of the wedding at all. I can only *maybe* see two ways they would be on the program:
1. If you had a child and with your late husband, maybe you could put her/his name in the program and then list them as the grandparents (along with your parents too)
2. If they are involved in the ceremony in some way, like doing a reading then they would be included in the program. But then I would just put their names and not a description of their relationship to you (like "former inlaws from late husband") because that seems strange given that you are starting a new marriage. 

ernursej

I've seen something similar and all members of a family were grouped under the title "Family of the Bride or Groom". It doesn't give as much information as "Mother of the Bride - Mrs. Jane Doe", but if you think that they would feel included and special, I don't see why they can't be listed on the program.

MobKaz

Obviously they must know you are engaged.  I can see where the wedding would be a damned if you do/damned if you don't situation.  If they want to keep a relationship, I can see why you would want to invite them.  However, attending an event that makes it clear their son has passed will be bittersweet, to say the least.  Sometimes it is hard to let go and allow life to go on, and it sounds as if they may be trying hard to hang onto to something that should naturally start to fade.

I would not put them in your program. 

kimmiinthemitten

What has their response to your engagement been?  Do they know they're invited and if so, have they verbally responded positively?  Have they met your FI?

Depending on the answers above, I'd say if they're pushing  you away, I would invite them but not include them in the programs.  It's hard to know what can trigger emotion, especially at an event that will likely be difficult for them. 

CMGragain

Lizshannon714 said:

I am still somewhat close to my in-laws from my first marriage. Its a very hard relationship. They always say they want to be very close but yet they tend to push me away, I think it's too painful for them to be close to me but they dont want to lose me bc I'm basically the only child they have now. Anyway, regarding the programs, how would I include them on it? I think they would be very hurt if  they werent included. 

It is unusual for a widow to invite her late husband's relatives to her wedding, but it is not forbidden.  I think you should sit down with them and ask them if they want to attend.  They may not want to come.  It could be very painful for them.
There is absolutely no reason to put them on your program.  Don't.  This wedding is about you and your FI, not your late husband.

Lizshannon714

Thank you all for your answers, this leaves me very torn now.. like i said, it is not an easy relationship between me and them. They are (understandably) super sensitive about everything and in many aspects, I feel it would be easier on them if they did distance themselves from me, but I think because they had no other children theyve really clung on to me. My fiance knows them well, we go to their house for dinner, we attend each other's family events. I can't say its been the most ideal situation, but my fiance has been super understanding and supportive. I had been planning on getting them the corsages/boutonnieres to match the rest of the parents, but based on all your answers, now i'm second guessing that too. This situation would be too difficult to discuss with them.  Ahhh now I really don't know what to do!!

STARMOON44

Invite them if you want but I wouldn't treat them differently than any other guest. It's not your job to make sure that you never ever hurt them. 

kimmiinthemitten

Lizshannon714 said:

Thank you all for your answers, this leaves me very torn now.. like i said, it is not an easy relationship between me and them. They are (understandably) super sensitive about everything and in many aspects, I feel it would be easier on them if they did distance themselves from me, but I think because they had no other children theyve really clung on to me. My fiance knows them well, we go to their house for dinner, we attend each other's family events. I can't say its been the most ideal situation, but my fiance has been super understanding and supportive. I had been planning on getting them the corsages/boutonnieres to match the rest of the parents, but based on all your answers, now i'm second guessing that too. This situation would be too difficult to discuss with them.  Ahhh now I really don't know what to do!!

There's nothing wrong with staying close to them, and I'm glad your FI is supportive and understanding about this.  Have you found any other widower communities where people might have experience with this?  A former coach of mine is a widower, and is still close with her "out-laws," but I don't know if they attended the wedding when she remarried.  I do know they support her and love him too, even when it's hard.

Lizshannon714

I have looked for anyone else who may be in a similar situation and have had no luck! That's why I thought about posting here. 

Ernursej, you are so right, I think that is exactly what I need to do!

ShesSoCold

OP, what is "normal" may not be so for you. If you want to include them in the program and think they'll appreciate it, I see no problem. I like ERnurse's suggestion of simply "family". I also think it would be nice to give them corsages and bouts.

My mom listed her ex-husband in her obit. Odd, sure? but not for us.

CMGragain

ShesSoCold said:

OP, what is "normal" may not be so for you. If you want to include them in the program and think they'll appreciate it, I see no problem. I like ERnurse's suggestion of simply "family". I also think it would be nice to give them corsages and bouts.

My mom listed her ex-husband in her obit. Odd, sure? but not for us.

If you didn't know any better, you would have thought my mother's last ex was a faithful Catholic who mourned his original wife for the remainder of his life!  The man was married three more times, and divorced each time!  I laughed when I read it.

Good for your Mom for owning up to her real life!  I see nothing wrong with this.