Lizshannon714 said:Thank you all for your answers, this leaves me very torn now.. like i said, it is not an easy relationship between me and them. They are (understandably) super sensitive about everything and in many aspects, I feel it would be easier on them if they did distance themselves from me, but I think because they had no other children theyve really clung on to me. My fiance knows them well, we go to their house for dinner, we attend each other's family events. I can't say its been the most ideal situation, but my fiance has been super understanding and supportive. I had been planning on getting them the corsages/boutonnieres to match the rest of the parents, but based on all your answers, now i'm second guessing that too. This situation would be too difficult to discuss with them. Ahhh now I really don't know what to do!!
Often, the most difficult of situations are the ones that need to be talked about. If you are torn, I would have a conversation about it with them. "x and y, because I love and respect you, I want to make sure that I am including you the way you want to be included. I can only imagine that it must be hard to see me moving forward. Would you like to be included in the wedding? Would you like a mention in the program? Would you like to have a bout/corsage?".
Misunderstandings happen when we try to predict how others might feel or act when we could just ask and clarify.
I guarantee it will probably be a very uncomfortable conversation, but it will likely lead to less uncomfortable situations in the future.
Answers
why would they be hurt about programs? It's your wedding to another person!!! This event is in no way about them at all. If they were truly hurt about the passing of their child, I'm surprised they'd even want to be at your wedding! Also, how would your new family (FI included) feel about having them noted in the program? I realize death is different than divorce, but this could cause some uneasy feelings on a few sides.
1. If you had a child and with your late husband, maybe you could put her/his name in the program and then list them as the grandparents (along with your parents too)
2. If they are involved in the ceremony in some way, like doing a reading then they would be included in the program. But then I would just put their names and not a description of their relationship to you (like "former inlaws from late husband") because that seems strange given that you are starting a new marriage.
I would not put them in your program.
Depending on the answers above, I'd say if they're pushing you away, I would invite them but not include them in the programs. It's hard to know what can trigger emotion, especially at an event that will likely be difficult for them.
There is absolutely no reason to put them on your program. Don't. This wedding is about you and your FI, not your late husband.
Ernursej, you are so right, I think that is exactly what I need to do!
OP, what is "normal" may not be so for you. If you want to include them in the program and think they'll appreciate it, I see no problem. I like ERnurse's suggestion of simply "family". I also think it would be nice to give them corsages and bouts.
My mom listed her ex-husband in her obit. Odd, sure? but not for us.
Good for your Mom for owning up to her real life! I see nothing wrong with this.