Family only wedding / Friends & Family pre-party

[Deleted User]

My question: Is it rude to have a "couples shower/pre-party" honoring my fiance and I future marriage if we are just doing a small backyard wedding with parents & siblings only later?

When I'm thinking about this party, i'm just thinking people coming over, having a cook out, drinks (byob), backyard games, mingle & leave. (gifts are optional) 

We are planing on this small wedding due to both of us coming from large families. Also, we just want to party with everyone without the wedding stress then get hitched with the people who love us the most and have a awesome honeymoon. 

I know it's in reverse order but, when I come back from our honeymoon I know all i would want to do is just enjoy our lives together and get back into our normal routine. 

Jen4948

Yes. Anyone invited to any wedding-related side event must also be invited to the wedding, whether the side event takes place before or after the wedding.

The only exceptions are work or group showers, where the invitees are all members of a close-knit group such as co-workers. Otherwise, it's a slap in the face to invite guests to a party to celebrate an event they are not invited to.

If your only wedding guests are going to be parents and siblings, then those are the only persons who can be invited to any "pre-parties" in your backyard.

If you really just want to have a party with these other people, then find a non-wedding-related excuse for doing so.

mollybarker11

It is rude to invite someone to a wedding-related event if they are not invited to the wedding.

Showers are always specifically gift-giving events ("showering" someone with presents!)

So you cannot invite your friends to a shower or "wedding pre-party", but you can just throw a regular party!

When inviting them, don't mention anything about your wedding and don't mention anything about gifts. "Hey we're having a cookout on Saturday, we'd love to see you there!"

geebee908

Knottie1462374744 said:

My question: Is it rude to have a "couples shower/pre-party" honoring my fiance and I future marriage if we are just doing a small backyard wedding with parents & siblings only later?

When I'm thinking about this party, i'm just thinking people coming over, having a cook out, drinks (byob), backyard games, mingle & leave. (gifts are optional) 

We are planing on this small wedding due to both of us coming from large families. Also, we just want to party with everyone without the wedding stress then get hitched with the people who love us the most and have a awesome honeymoon. 

I know it's in reverse order but, when I come back from our honeymoon I know all i would want to do is just enjoy our lives together and get back into our normal routine. 

A shower is a gift-giving and pre-wedding event, so only those invited to the wedding can be invited and the idea is to give the couple gifts.

You can have a party with your friends, just don't make it at all wedding-related. I would even try to avoid wedding conversations during the party as much as possible because these people won't be invited to your wedding. In fact, it may be a better idea to host a party after your wedding (again in no way wedding-related) if you want to get together with everyone.

aurianna

Knottie1462374744 said:

My question: Is it rude to have a "couples shower/pre-party" honoring my fiance and I future marriage if we are just doing a small backyard wedding with parents & siblings only later?

When I'm thinking about this party, i'm just thinking people coming over, having a cook out, drinks (byob), backyard games, mingle & leave. (gifts are optional) 

We are planing on this small wedding due to both of us coming from large families. Also, we just want to party with everyone without the wedding stress then get hitched with the people who love us the most and have a awesome honeymoon. 

I know it's in reverse order but, when I come back from our honeymoon I know all i would want to do is just enjoy our lives together and get back into our normal routine. 

This doesn't work exactly as described.

It's rude to invite people to wedding specific pre-wedding events when they aren't invited to the wedding.
While what you describe is not a traditional shower, it's also rude to throw your own shower.
It's rude to act as host to an official, wedding-related event and not provide everything (aka byob would be bad in this case).

You can do one of two things:

1. Have simply a BBQ before (or after) the wedding and say nothing about the wedding. Just ask people if they want to come over on weekend xyz, bring their favorite drinks and chill. Do not make it seem like it as at all wedding related. If anyone asks you if it's wedding related say no. Expect no gifts.

2. Have a celebration of marriage after. If you're having a large wedding, even family only, this is a bit sketchy as this kind of thing is better for out of town, small weddings. But I wouldn't side-eye it too hard. However you must provide everything at it, including alcohol if you choose to have it (it can be dry if you want). Send out informal looking invitations. Expect no gifts.

short+sassy

I agree with @Jen4948.  It is always a great idea to have a fun backyard party!  BUT, it needs to be just that.  With no relation whatsoever to or mention of your upcoming wedding, if you are inviting people who will not be invited to your wedding.

It's never appropriate to invite people to a wedding-related event, if they are not invited to the wedding (ie bridal shower, bachelor/ette parties, etc.).  With the one exception for showers mentioned above.

LondonLisa

Knottie1462374744 said:

My question: Is it rude to have a "couples shower/pre-party" honoring my fiance and I future marriage if we are just doing a small backyard wedding with parents & siblings only later?

When I'm thinking about this party, i'm just thinking people coming over, having a cook out, drinks (byob), backyard games, mingle & leave. (gifts are optional) 

We are planing on this small wedding due to both of us coming from large families. Also, we just want to party with everyone without the wedding stress then get hitched with the people who love us the most and have a awesome honeymoon. 

I know it's in reverse order but, when I come back from our honeymoon I know all i would want to do is just enjoy our lives together and get back into our normal routine. 

And say what in the invite? "Come to our B-side party for the people we don't love the most. We know you're just dying to celebrate us, so come to our consolation party. Hosted by:  YOU! Bring your own refreshments and a gift (gifts optional, but the fact that we mention it means we think your cheap if you don't)"

Very rude. Not only is it "reverse order" but if you are hosting a party like this, you need to actually HOST it- no BYOB. 

adulthood is about choices. You CHOSE to have a family only wedding. You could have had a BBQ reception with all these people as your wedding, but you CHOSE to have something smaller. That's fine- own it. 

If people truly want to celebrate with you, they'll make arrangements with you directly. 

ei34

Knottie1462374744 said:

My question: Is it rude to have a "couples shower/pre-party" honoring my fiance and I future marriage if we are just doing a small backyard wedding with parents & siblings only later?
Yes, this would be super rude

When I'm thinking about this party, i'm just thinking people coming over, having a cook out, drinks (byob), backyard games, mingle & leave. (gifts are optional)
This party is fine as long as it's not wedding-related (so gifts wouldn't be expected at all

We are planing on this small wedding due to both of us coming from large families. Also, we just want to party with everyone without the wedding stress then get hitched with the people who love us the most and have a awesome honeymoon. 
You're most welcome to having a small wedding, but with that choice comes consequences.

I know it's in reverse order but, when I come back from our honeymoon I know all i would want to do is just enjoy our lives together and get back into our normal routine.
I know everyone's different, but my summer has been packed full of people coming over, BBQs (I supply drinks though), mingling...would the party you proposed greatly throw off your "normal routine"?  As long as your guests are properly hosted and there's no re-enactment of your wedding, a post-wedding celebration is nice.  Opinions on post-wedding parties vary, with the most acceptance coming from couples who had an extremely intimate, immediate-family wedding or a DW...if you're inviting some aunts and uncles but not others, or the wedding is in you and 90% of the after-party's guest list hometown, some guests may be quicker than others to attend.

cowgirl8238

Yup PP's have nailed it!  Just have the BBQ without making it about the wedding.  If you want a shower someone should be hosting it for you...not everyone gets one though so don't expect it.

levioosa

Yup.  Rude.  Don't do this.  

southernbelle0915

It's a basic etiquette rule that "anyone invited to wedding related parties is invited to the wedding". So yes, this plan is bad etiquette.

If you do the BBQ, you for sure shouldn't market it as an engagement party, a shower, a wedding this/that, a "celebration of the couple"....literally it's no different than a Memorial Day BBQ. Since that's not going to accomplish the "celebrate US" party, it's probably not going to meet your needs and still be considered good etiquette.

Can you just have a super private ceremony and a party afterwards? This only works etiquette wise if it's a truly private ceremony - like parents/siblings/grandparents - but it's an option. Then go on your HM and come home and relax.

climbingsingle

Yes, it's very rude! 

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie1462374744 said:

My question: Is it rude to have a "couples shower/pre-party" honoring my fiance and I future marriage if we are just doing a small backyard wedding with parents & siblings only later?

When I'm thinking about this party, i'm just thinking people coming over, having a cook out, drinks (byob), backyard games, mingle & leave. (gifts are optional) 

We are planing on this small wedding due to both of us coming from large families. Also, we just want to party with everyone without the wedding stress then get hitched with the people who love us the most and have a awesome honeymoon. 

I know it's in reverse order but, when I come back from our honeymoon I know all i would want to do is just enjoy our lives together and get back into our normal routine. 

Those are two mutually exclusive statements.

Invite the people you want to invite to your wedding, get married, then go on your honeymoon, and that's it. 

Don't come back from your honeymoon and then throw a party for those you didn't invite to the wedding so they can celebrate your marriage.

Don't throw a party prior to your wedding for those you aren't inviting to the wedding so they can celebrate your marriage.

InLoveInQueens

PrettyGirlLost said:

Knottie1462374744 said:

My question: Is it rude to have a "couples shower/pre-party" honoring my fiance and I future marriage if we are just doing a small backyard wedding with parents & siblings only later?

When I'm thinking about this party, i'm just thinking people coming over, having a cook out, drinks (byob), backyard games, mingle & leave. (gifts are optional) 

We are planing on this small wedding due to both of us coming from large families. Also, we just want to party with everyone without the wedding stress then get hitched with the people who love us the most and have a awesome honeymoon. 

I know it's in reverse order but, when I come back from our honeymoon I know all i would want to do is just enjoy our lives together and get back into our normal routine. 

Those are two mutually exclusive statements.

Invite the people you want to invite to your wedding, get married, then go on your honeymoon, and that's it. 

Don't come back from your honeymoon and then throw a party for those you didn't invite to the wedding so they can celebrate your marriage.

Don't throw a party prior to your wedding for those you aren't inviting to the wedding so they can celebrate your marriage.

That's what I think is the weirdest part, you want to host a backyard BBQ but also a backyard wedding, I'm having trouble understanding why they need to be separate events. Have a backyard BBQ with lawn games and a cook out and then say "hey, we're gonna get married now" and then go back to the hot dogs and steak. You can have a low-key stress free simple backyard BBQ wedding and include the same people who you want to invite after the honeymoon, just flip the timeline.

Or just throw a backyard BBQ and be done with it, people will congratulate you on your recent wedding and ask about your honeymoon, but just have a BBQ for the sake of having a BBQ, not to give your friends and family a consolation prize party.

It really is that simple, do you want to celebrate your marriage with these people? If yes, invite them to your backyard wedding the same way you plan on inviting them to your BBQ. If no, then don't and embrace it.

jacques27

Knottie1462374744 said:

My question: Is it rude to have a "couples shower/pre-party" honoring my fiance and I future marriage if we are just doing a small backyard wedding with parents & siblings only later?

When I'm thinking about this party, i'm just thinking people coming over, having a cook out, drinks (byob), backyard games, mingle & leave. (gifts are optional) 

We are planing on this small wedding due to both of us coming from large families. Also, we just want to party with everyone without the wedding stress then get hitched with the people who love us the most and have a awesome honeymoon. 

I know it's in reverse order but, when I come back from our honeymoon I know all i would want to do is just enjoy our lives together and get back into our normal routine. 

Honestly, it sounds more like you want all the attention of being a bride without any of the pesky cost of having to host people properly.  So you want a backyard wedding because you have large families...but then want said large families to join you in the same backyard on a different date, just bringing their own booze (and presumably contributing to the food and cooking since most cookouts I know of tend to be more communal affairs) because you don't love them enough?  And then you want to call said cookout a wedding shower or pre-party because they are good enough to (allegedly optionally) bring you a gift, but not good enough to actually see you get married?

If you want a small wedding with only your closest, just have it and own it.  But you don't get to bilk other people of food and gifts under the guise of "wanting to celebrate" or honoring yourselves (which also...you shouldn't be throwing parties in honor of yourselves anyway...showers are to be offered by someone else and if no one offers to throw you one then you just don't get one).  If you really enjoy hanging out with these people, then find other ways to do it that don't involve you honoring yourself and asking people for gifts.  There are tons of reasons to have get togethers:  tailgating, Super Bowl, other sports events, Halloween, NYE, other Federal holidays where people traditionally get together to BBQ like Memorial Day or Labor Day, an Oscars party, or just for shits and giggles.  Just because you happen to be getting married within the same year doesn't mean you can't have parties for other reasons.  It doesn't have to all revolve around your wedding.