Mental health disorder =/= 'failure to launch'

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My brother has flunked out of two colleges and worked at a few menial jobs but is now a recluse. He still lives with my parents, who have been supporting him financially (student loans, car and health insurance, food). However, they’re not going to be able to keep supporting him in six months when he’s too old to stay on their health insurance plan. The complication is that he received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder a few years ago. He’s inconsistent about taking his meds, which throws him into downward spirals, and then he won’t do anything for days. I think the diagnosis is bunk, since I’d never seen him manic until his first month on medication, but regardless the issue is that he seems to be using the diagnosis as an excuse to avoid ... everything. Any ideas?

—Brother Failing to Launch

DrillSergeantCat

If they (because he's obviously not going to do it himself) can get him on disability, that would be the only way to go about not forcing him to be an actual adult. I feel he's using his BPD diagnosis as an excuse. There are thousands of people with BPD who live healthy, functioning lives. LW's parents are enabling him, too. I know it's hard, I have a 19 year old that I would let live with me and I'd cook and clean for him in a heartbeat because I love him and want him to have an easy life, but at the same time I know that's detrimental for him becoming a productive member of society.

DrillSergeantCat

After reading Prudie's response I'm really curious to hear what you ladies think. 

short+sassy

First off, I really dislike the LW sloughing off the notion that the brother has a mental illness.  It reminds me of the kind of attitude some people have that mental illness is imaginary and those suffering just need to "buck up and change their attitude".  Look at the evidence.  He was diagnosed, as in by a medical professional, as having BPD.  When he does take his medication, it improves his condition.  Unfortunately, like a lot of people with this disorder, he isn't consistent about taking his medication.

With that said, LOTS of people have conditions that make their life more challenging...mental, physical, or both.  Learn to manage it and live happy, productive lives.  True, some people can't.  Obviously, the LW thinks her brother is just lazy.  And that might be part of it.  But the BPD that the LW downplays is certainly a factor also. 

In the end, it's really up to her parents.  They could put conditions into his staying with them, like consistently taking his medication and getting a job that provides him with health insurance.  But it doesn't sound like they are there yet.  

MissKittyDanger

Inconsistent meds doesn't help, is there a support group for the family and brother to see if there's help while he's at home and go from there? I know there's companies that can help - like social workers - that can help people that need it, get on track with things.

ShesSoCold

Well, if LW hasn't seen it, it must not exist. Eyeroll.

At the same time, I view most mental health issues as the same as other illnesses. You need to take care of the issue and not just let it happen (IE - never putting weight on a bad knee ever again and doing nothing else will not help it).

Depending on the level of his function and severity of his disease, parents and brother need to work together with psychologists and physiatrists to get him functioning better and able to support himself.

TrixieJess

The problem with bi-polar disorder is that it's not a one size fits all, treat and you are a productive member of society. People with bi-polar are notorious for self-medicating and coming off their meds when they stop cycling.

I think instead of stigmatising her brother further, LW should look into some resources and maybe suggest a medication change. Find out if her brother is going to therapy even, it's like she's doing everything but helping.

ernursej

**Where do you all read Prudie's responses?

charlotte989875

ernursej said:

**Where do you all read Prudie's responses?

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html

ETA: this weeks, http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2016/08/dear_prudence_my_ex_dominatrix_sister_may_have_molested_my_son.html

scrunchythief

LW's attitude makes me so extremely angry.  Maybe you never saw him manic before because he hid it because he didn't think people would understand.  Exactly like s/he is doing.  

And taking psych meds is not even close to as easy as popping your daily vitamin.  It can be a draining process to figure out which meds work, balance the side effects and readjust as your brain chemistry changes.  And that's not to mention all of the stigma surrounding psych meds.  

Also, "avoiding everything" could very well be "not dying when he really wants to" or "not driving dangerously" or something similar.

LW sounds jealous to me about the apparent "free ride" the brother gets.  I'd bet if they'd experienced how terrible mental illness could be, they'd feel differently.  Could the brother be leaning too much on his diagnosis as an excuse?  Sure.  But till you've been there, or it's extremely obvious, maybe give the benefit of the doubt.