I feel for this lady.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been married 25 years, and have had trouble for a recent number of them. I tried explaining what I was concerned about; we went for a few visits to a marriage counselor but stopped after he admitted to me he wasn’t going to be truthful. As soon as I try and talk about something important, even something I don’t expect to be a big issue, he shuts down. All communication stops; he just leaves the room. And if I bring it up again, he is gone. If I do something he is not happy with, he gets angry (clenched fists and storms out) or shuts down and barely speaks to me for days. If we do have a conversation, the few words I do get are from him are “why can’t you accept it the way it is” and his saying he is doing the best he can. He has become a very unhappy, angry man. All joy is gone. We haven’t had sex in over a year, and that is due to the fact I can’t have sex with someone whom I have no emotional intimacy with and I don’t trust. And yet I am having trouble even writing the word divorce. I keep thinking, I married this guy! How did we get from there to here? And how do I make the change I need to make?

—Why Am I So Afraid?

DrillSergeantCat

LW needs to continue therapy alone. She needs guidance on either how to ignore the situation and continue with her uncommunicative husband or muster her courage and leave. 

charlotte989875

I feel for her. What about separation? Not as permanent as a divorce and would give both of them time to work some things out. 

ShesSoCold

Oh wow. This poor woman. But DSC hit the nail on the head.

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been married 25 years, and have had trouble for a recent number of them. I tried explaining what I was concerned about; we went for a few visits to a marriage counselor but stopped after he admitted to me he wasn’t going to be truthful. As soon as I try and talk about something important, even something I don’t expect to be a big issue, he shuts down. All communication stops; he just leaves the room. And if I bring it up again, he is gone. If I do something he is not happy with, he gets angry (clenched fists and storms out) or shuts down and barely speaks to me for days. If we do have a conversation, the few words I do get are from him are “why can’t you accept it the way it is” and his saying he is doing the best he can. He has become a very unhappy, angry man. All joy is gone. We haven’t had sex in over a year, and that is due to the fact I can’t have sex with someone whom I have no emotional intimacy with and I don’t trust. And yet I am having trouble even writing the word divorce. I keep thinking, I married this guy! How did we get from there to here? And how do I make the change I need to make?

—Why Am I So Afraid?

My heart sunk for the LW with THAT sentence.  He refuses to go to counseling anymore.  He won't communicate, especially when they need it the most, like during a disagreement.  He gives her the silent treatment and throws hissy fits.  But she asks what changes SHE needs to make.

I'm not saying she is perfect either.  But nobody can fix a broken marriage by themselves.  And he has made it perfectly clear he doesn't want to try or work on his own faults.

It's harsh, but the reality boils down to just a few options:

1. Accept the marriage/life the way it is.  Because nothing is changing ever or anytime soon.
2. Separate or Divorce.  Maybe this will wake him up, but I doubt it.  Or maybe it will give her the perspective she needs to see if she would rather live with him (angry and grumpy) or bail out.
3. Continue with the way things are, perhaps for many more years, until she is so fed up she is finally ready for Option 2.
   

baconsmom

Is there any way she can take him to the doctor for depression? Or, like, set up a physical and tell the doctor that she thinks the husband's depressed? 

And then, yes. Separation, at the very least, and continuing therapy on her own. He may not want to treat himself, in which case, she should definitely not stay.