My sister doesn't support my relationship. Should I have her as Maid of Honor?

Knottie1450029022

My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years. He is 15 years older than me.. He is such an amazing and genuine guy, our friends and family approve of our relationship and what not... Except for my big sister. She is the only one who is so negative about it, tries to find every wrong and flaw in everything he says or does. I'm sick of it and I think it is totally unfair because she claims I made life changes all because of him, when really it was just for my own happiness (such as not finishing fashion school because I got bored of it, changing my major before, and now doing real estate) she doesn't believe me when I say I am truly happy... her only reason for not approving of us is because of our age difference! Nothing else! She's never around to really try to get to know him like the rest of my family has. I want her to be my maid of honor because she is my sister and I love her, but I don't want someone to be my MOH if she is not happy for me... because I feel like she won't really be genuinely excited and happy about planning the wedding either and since she has this kind of attitude now, who knows how she will behave during the wedding planning process. Thoughts? Has anyone been in this situation? What do you feel I should do? She is expecting me to ask her to be my MOH.

charlotte989875

Knottie1450029022 said:

My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years. He is 15 years older than me.. He is such an amazing and genuine guy, our friends and family approve of our relationship and what not... Except for my big sister. She is the only one who is so negative about it, tries to find every wrong and flaw in everything he says or does. I'm sick of it and I think it is totally unfair because she claims I made life changes all because of him, when really it was just for my own happiness (such as not finishing fashion school because I got bored of it, changing my major before, and now doing real estate) she doesn't believe me when I say I am truly happy... her only reason for not approving of us is because of our age difference! Nothing else! She's never around to really try to get to know him like the rest of my family has. I want her to be my maid of honor because she is my sister and I love her, but I don't want someone to be my MOH if she is not happy for me... because I feel like she won't really be genuinely excited and happy about planning the wedding either and since she has this kind of attitude now, who knows how she will behave during the wedding planning process. Thoughts? Has anyone been in this situation? What do you feel I should do? She is expecting me to ask her to be my MOH.

I'm having a hard time understanding why you would want her to be your MOH. Sounds like she's been really hard to deal with.

When you choose someone to be your MOH, think of who is the person you want next to you when you marry your FI, the person you want to honor with a special place in the ceremony that makes you husband and wife. If that is not your sister, that is okay; you can have her as a BM, and an honored guest, reader, or not have her in a particular honored position.

As to the bolded your MOH (whoever you choose) does not need to be happy or excited about the wedding planning process, nor do they need to be involved with it in anyway. A MOH is someone  you are honoring by asking them to stand with you, it does not obligate any one to help you plan, execute projects, or do anything else wedding-related.

Jen4948

If she's that negative about both you and your FI, I wouldn't ask her.

Also, she has no right to "expect" to be asked to be your MOH, or in your wedding party at all. Her being your sister doesn't guarantee her a place in your wedding party. That's entirely up to you.

If she responds negatively to not being asked, that's a good clue that asking her wouldn't have been a good idea in the first place.

Not to mention, getting engaged or married doesn't change other people's negative attitudes and character traits -- if anything, it just amplifies them. Asking your sister wouldn't make her less negative. It would make it harder for you to deal with, because you wouldn't be able to ask her to step down from your wedding party later without putting an end to any chance of a good relationship with her. I think it's better to just not ask someone whose relationship with you is that bad to begin with -- close relative or no (close in terms of blood kinship, not emotionally).

JaxInBlue

Knottie1450029022 said:

My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years. He is 15 years older than me.. He is such an amazing and genuine guy, our friends and family approve of our relationship and what not... Except for my big sister. She is the only one who is so negative about it, tries to find every wrong and flaw in everything he says or does. I'm sick of it and I think it is totally unfair because she claims I made life changes all because of him, when really it was just for my own happiness (such as not finishing fashion school because I got bored of it, changing my major before, and now doing real estate) she doesn't believe me when I say I am truly happy... her only reason for not approving of us is because of our age difference! Nothing else! She's never around to really try to get to know him like the rest of my family has. I want her to be my maid of honor because she is my sister and I love her, but I don't want someone to be my MOH if she is not happy for me... because I feel like she won't really be genuinely excited and happy about planning the wedding either and since she has this kind of attitude now, who knows how she will behave during the wedding planning process. Thoughts? Has anyone been in this situation? What do you feel I should do? She is expecting me to ask her to be my MOH.

First, take the planning of your wedding out of the equation.  It's no one's responsibility but yours and your FI's to plan your wedding. Not parents or bridal party members, or anyone you don't plan on paying.  It's definitely nice when family or friends offer to help with plans (and Lord knows DH and I wouldn't have been half as organized without our parents) but it shouldn't be an expectation you place on anyone else, even those in your BP.  So there's that.  Your sister doesn't have to be involved in the planning.

Beyond that, your bridal party should be your nearest and dearest.  The people who you'd call to help you bury the body so to speak.  If that's your sister, it's worth asking her to participate.  You and she may want to honor the relationship you two have, even if she's struggling to get to know your FI.

Additionally, something to keep in mind is that some of the best advice given here is to wait to ask your BP 6-9 months out from your date.  If you aren't in that time-frame yet, you can always sit on this and see what happens over the time you have left.  She may have a change of heart now that things are official, or maybe you will be able to see that its in both of your interests for her to participate in a less emotional role, such as a reader or guest.

I, personally, had my sister as my MOH and there wasn't anyone else I considered.  But we didn't have anywhere near the issues you wrote about.  At the same time, I get it - you're sisters and that frequently comes with expectations around weddings.  GL!

[Deleted User]

Agree with the above.....but also wanted to add that if she really doesn't approve of your relationship she likely won't want to be your MOH anyways. I know I wouldn't if I didn't approve of the marriage. 

Edit: sorry, just read that you said that she's expecting to be your MOH. But that still doesn't make sense to me. Why would she want to stand up in your wedding if she doesn't approve? Maybe she's coming around? Regardless of whether she is your MOH or not, I think it's fair to ask why she'd want to do that if she actually doesn't approve 

DrillSergeantCat

I wouldn't want someone who disapproves of my relationship standing up with me. 

glasgowtolondon

If someone was disapproving of my FI I just don't think I'd want them to stand up with me, sister or not.

I have no idea why the above is in italics, sigh.

Eta: aaaand now its not. Thanks, TK.

MandyPandy87

I don't really understand if she doesn't approve of your relationship how she should expect to be MOH. 

Have you considered asking her to be a BM and just not having a MOH? I don't know if that would make much of a difference but could be an alternative to asking her to be MOH.

Knottie1450029022

I think you misunderstood me. I didn't mean that she had to be happy to plan my wedding, I just meant that having her assisting me by asking for her opinions on certain things while in the process of planning, and getting a genuine response.. not a vague answer or showing disinterest in my wedding because she disapproves of my relationship. Thanks for the feedback :-)

Knottie1450029022

My sister and I have a great relationship... Which is why I'd like for her to be my MOH, however, I have second thoughts about it because she is so negative when it comes to my relationship.

kylexo

No, you shouldn't have someone that doesn't approve of your relationship in the wedding party, and if I were your sister, I wouldn't accept. You should have a chat with her about WHY she doesn't approve, try to have her spend time with your FI and see if you can get her to come around on your relationship.

Also, your bridal party isn't expected to do anything besides wear the dress/color you asked them to, be sober and stand up with you at the wedding. They are not your party planners. They are not your slaves or handmaidens. If they offer you can accept, or if they offer to throw a party (shower or bachelorette) you may accept, but it's rude to dictate they do these things or to expect it of them.

cowgirl8238

It sounds to me like you don't really want your sister to be your MOH.  When it came to my wedding, I knew exactly who I was going to ask to be BMs. (I didn't have a MOH).

As Kylexo pointed out, all a BM or MOH has to do is show up on time and sober, in the proper attire and smile.  Anything more is a plus.  Now I had friends that wanted to help and asked numerous times if there was anything I could do, so we got together once and did something crafty.  I also had a 'Friend' who would set dates where we were to meet up and do wedding things...I was happy to help but it soured the whole experience since it was more of a demand and not her taking me up on an offer.

How long do you have until your wedding?  I would give this a little time and really reflect on who you want in your WP.  Once you ask someone you can't remove them without some serious (usually a complete friendship ender) damage to the relationship.  If your sister doesn't approve of your relationship then I think you already know the answer to your question.

If it was me, I wouldn't ask her to be a MOH, or a BM...maybe a reader but likely she would just be a guest.  It is still an honor to be invited to the wedding.  If she pushes the issue of not being a MOH, just tell here that the discussion in closed and change the topic. 

Good luck and happy Planning!

ei34

What stands out most to me is the fact that your sister has had five years to get used to your relationship/accept the age difference, and she hasn't.  It must really bother her.  I don't think I'd want someone who disapproved so strongly by my side at my wedding. 

AddieCake

I'm team NO.

[Deleted User]

Knottie1450029022 said:

My sister and I have a great relationship... Which is why I'd like for her to be my MOH, however, I have second thoughts about it because she is so negative when it comes to my relationship.

This doesn't answer why she'd want to be your MOH for a wedding she doesn't support. 

OliveOilsMom

Knottie1450029022 said:

I think you misunderstood me. I didn't mean that she had to be happy to plan my wedding, I just meant that having her assisting me by asking for her opinions on certain things while in the process of planning, and getting a genuine response.. not a vague answer or showing disinterest in my wedding because she disapproves of my relationship. Thanks for the feedback :-)

Also, remember you may have someone who is really happy to be standing by your side in your WP, but also be vague with answers or show disinterest.  The two are not mutually exclusive.

While you should have your nearest and dearest standing up in your BP, I think it also should be people who approve of your relationship too.

As a PP said, wait until you are about 9 months out from your ceremony and then ask.  If sister seems to be more accepting, then go ahead and ask her.  If she hasn't changed her tune, then don't have her in your BP.  And while it would be rude of her to ask, if she does, just tell her you couldn't have anyone standing up in your WP that doesn't approve of your relationship with FI.

Lastly, use the Quote button.  We don't know who you are replying to, the Reply button does not work like it is supposed to.

downtondiva

 While your MOH is certainly not obligated to be excited about your wedding day or to help you plan it, I don't think it's too much to ask that they be happy about your marriage (which is a completely different thing). Doesn't sound like your sister is happy about you and your FI, and I can't see that changing just because you guys are getting married.

If she has made it that clear that she doesn't approve of your relationship, then she should not be your MOH. It will just be far too awkward for everyone involved.