Wedding Woes

Step 1: Stop sleeping in her bed

Dear Prudence,
I’m a senior at a local university, commuting from home, and my younger sister is leaving soon for a distant school. It’s just me, my sister, and our mother in the house, and I’m worried that I’ll be smothered now that Baby Sis is going away. Mom’s a single parent and does everything she can to keep us close so that she’s not lonely (this includes asking us to sleep in her bed for weeks at a time, and it’s been this way for years). Now that my sister is leaving and it’s just me, I already feel bad about leaving Mom to do homework on campus or stay after class or anything else that keeps me out of the house. At the same time, I don’t want to be stuck at home with Mom for my entire senior year. Is there any middle ground so that I can get out of the house and be a little more independent while making sure Mom’s not too lonely?

—Lonely Mom, Stuck Daughter

Re: Step 1: Stop sleeping in her bed

  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    It's not LW's responsibility to fix Mom's loneliness, and it really sucks that she feels like it is. Mom needs help, LW needs to assert her independence and focus on her own life and needs. It will only get harder to do that moving forward. 


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    VarunaTTcharlotte989875lc07kimmiinthemitten


  • Little known fact is when I was younger, I would sleep in my parents bed. I would sneak in during middle of the night, and if I got caught I would try again and rarely could fall back asleep. I did this longer than any kid should and my parents ended up speaking with our family dr and a counselor because they were concerned.
    What counselor said for my situation was that I was using them as a "security blanket" and that I would grow out of it.
    I was lucky I did, but I'm thinking the mother is doing similar with her kids.
    DefConn is 5 and gets in bed with me 2-3 nights a week. It used to be 4-6 nights and it kicks up when there's uncertainty (like when school started, he was constantly getting in bed with me).  But I know when he's like, 10, he probably won't continue.  It doesn't bother me, unless he's restless or trying to kick me in the head. 
    MesmrEwe
  • mrsconn23 said:


    Little known fact is when I was younger, I would sleep in my parents bed. I would sneak in during middle of the night, and if I got caught I would try again and rarely could fall back asleep. I did this longer than any kid should and my parents ended up speaking with our family dr and a counselor because they were concerned.
    What counselor said for my situation was that I was using them as a "security blanket" and that I would grow out of it.
    I was lucky I did, but I'm thinking the mother is doing similar with her kids.
    DefConn is 5 and gets in bed with me 2-3 nights a week. It used to be 4-6 nights and it kicks up when there's uncertainty (like when school started, he was constantly getting in bed with me).  But I know when he's like, 10, he probably won't continue.  It doesn't bother me, unless he's restless or trying to kick me in the head. 
    Embarrassingly enough, I was almost 13 when I kicked the habit. I started to stop doing it around 10, but then saw a horror movie and it basically scared me into either having someone with me or sleeping with the light on. {I had other issues because of the movie but that's different}
    mrsconn23charlotte989875
  • Not at all where I thought that letter was going based on the title.

    Yup, time to have a really uncomfortable conversation about how inappropriate this is.
    MissKittyDangerkimmiinthemitten
  • A simple "no" would suffice...  Boundaries! 

    There is a bigger dynamic taking place with the Mom who needs to go through some empty nest time!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I had an ex with a mom like that.  Not the sleeping in her bed thing.  That would have been deal-breaking creeperific.  He lived at home at the time and she essentially turned him into her social life.

    He lived there and they were close!  So obviously he spent a LOT of time with her.  But she still resented me and treated me like I was the "other woman" because we would GO OUT and do things.  He was spending time with me instead of spending all his time with her.

    We eventually broke up and, quite frankly, she was one of the reasons.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't see anything wrong with having your adult child sleep in the same bed as you, per se, but Mom clearly has some attachment/security issues that need to be worked through; there are a lot of red flags going on beyond sleeping in bed.

    It's not up to LW to fix her mom's problems, nor should her own growth as an adult be stinted- feeling too guilty to stay on campus to study seems a big red flag for me in itself.

    LW needs to have a frank discussion with mom and, I think, encourage her to seek out therapy. I definitely see this causing bigger issues should LW or her sister seek out a relationship, and move out.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards