WR Dear Abby - Guest Ruined Reception - Send TY Note?

OliveOilsMom

Interesting Dear Abby today.  I'd like to think I would do the right thing and send the note, but it might take a long time for that TY note to get in the mail.

DEAR ABBY: During my wedding reception a month ago, one of the guests (a friend of my mom's) poured a glass of water on the DJ's laptop because he felt the music was too loud and he wanted it shut down. My husband was furious and asked the guest to leave. The incident was blamed on too much alcohol, and it ruined the rest of the evening. Many guests were upset and left.

The man ended up paying the DJ to replace the laptop and sent us a note of apology for his behavior. My question is, must we send a thank-you note to him and his wife for the wedding gift they gave us? What the man did was unforgivable. In many ways he spoiled our day. Mom thinks I should "do the right thing" and thank them for the gift. It wasn't his wife's fault, so I am thinking of addressing the note to her only. Is that OK?

- Wedding Day Survivors

DEAR SURVIVOR: I know of no rule of etiquette that forbids addressing the note only to her. However, when you write the note, word it this way, "We want to thank you and 'John' (or 'your husband') for the (gift), and we'll think of you when we use it." That way you will have thanked them both for it, and your manners will be above reproach. And if you prefer to avoid them in the future, you'll get no argument from me.

OurWildKingdom

Dear Abby was spot-on. I'd probably take a long time getting the note in the mail, too.

DrillSergeantCat

Yeah. Write the note and then cut them out of your life if you want to. 

[Deleted User]

But.....he did pay the DJ back and apologized. He tried to make amends so it would be a bIt spiteful if you still held that against him. I can totally understand being angry but forgiveness needs to happen at some point. 

kylexo

Ironring said:

But.....he did pay the DJ back and apologized. He tried to make amends so it would be a bIt spiteful if you still held that against him. I can totally understand being angry but forgiveness needs to happen at some point. 

That doesn't change the fact that music was shut down and many guests left. Say they had planned for the reception to end at 10 and this happened at 8? Nope, this man would be cut out of my life.

sunflower0592

kylexo said:

Ironring said:

But.....he did pay the DJ back and apologized. He tried to make amends so it would be a bIt spiteful if you still held that against him. I can totally understand being angry but forgiveness needs to happen at some point. 

That doesn't change the fact that music was shut down and many guests left. Say they had planned for the reception to end at 10 and this happened at 8? Nope, this man would be cut out of my life.

Exactly. Too little, too late, in my opinion. Sure, he apologized and purchased the DJ a new laptop, but he essentially ruined her wedding day. She doesn't get a do-over on that.

charlotte989875

sunflower0592 said:

kylexo said:

Ironring said:

But.....he did pay the DJ back and apologized. He tried to make amends so it would be a bIt spiteful if you still held that against him. I can totally understand being angry but forgiveness needs to happen at some point. 

That doesn't change the fact that music was shut down and many guests left. Say they had planned for the reception to end at 10 and this happened at 8? Nope, this man would be cut out of my life.

Exactly. Too little, too late, in my opinion. Sure, he apologized and purchased the DJ a new laptop, but he essentially ruined her wedding day. She doesn't get a do-over on that.

I think "ruining her wedding day" is a bit much. Ended the party too early, upset people, completely uncalled for? Absolutely. But she was still married, still got to celebrate a bit. Ruined the rest of the evening, sure. But the entire day? A little much I think. 

kaos16

I think this is a good example of what we always tell brides.  It made that person look bad, not her. 

"Many guests were upset and left"  It would be different if he set off the sprinkler system or something.  So the music ended, ok. . . . it happens.  Why couldn't people still mingle and hang out?  There are plenty of weddings without dancing.  Someone could have plugged in Pandora.  I don't know, but I don't see this to be quite the crisis it is alleged to be.

Does it suck, sure......but wedding ruining?  Hardly.

I would send the thank you note expressing gratitude for the gift to both and call it a day!

OliveOilsMom

Ironring said:

But.....he did pay the DJ back and apologized. He tried to make amends so it would be a bIt spiteful if you still held that against him. I can totally understand being angry but forgiveness needs to happen at some point. 

I understand what you are saying, which is why I said it would take me some time to get that note in the mail. 

While the guest did apologize and payback the DJ (he would have had to anyway - I'm sure the DJ would have sued otherwise), he still stepped way out of bounds in his actions.  He caused the entire reception to end early, ruining all of the planning the B&G did and money they paid to vendors for them to stay the entire evening.  I can see how hard it would be for the B&G to find forgiveness of the guest. 

kylexo

charlotte989875 said:

sunflower0592 said:

kylexo said:

Ironring said:

But.....he did pay the DJ back and apologized. He tried to make amends so it would be a bIt spiteful if you still held that against him. I can totally understand being angry but forgiveness needs to happen at some point. 

That doesn't change the fact that music was shut down and many guests left. Say they had planned for the reception to end at 10 and this happened at 8? Nope, this man would be cut out of my life.

Exactly. Too little, too late, in my opinion. Sure, he apologized and purchased the DJ a new laptop, but he essentially ruined her wedding day. She doesn't get a do-over on that.

I think "ruining her wedding day" is a bit much. Ended the party too early, upset people, completely uncalled for? Absolutely. But she was still married, still got to celebrate a bit. Ruined the rest of the evening, sure. But the entire day? A little much I think. 

Maybe that phrasing is a little much, but still unforgivable in my opinion. Sure, he bought the DJ a new laptop, but I've spent thousands of dollars on a party where, due to your thoughtless actions, the festivities I'd planned, budgeted for and paid for have been wrecked. I may be able to forgive, in time, but this person will no longer be a part of my life.

sunflower0592

charlotte989875 said:

sunflower0592 said:

kylexo said:

Ironring said:

But.....he did pay the DJ back and apologized. He tried to make amends so it would be a bIt spiteful if you still held that against him. I can totally understand being angry but forgiveness needs to happen at some point. 

That doesn't change the fact that music was shut down and many guests left. Say they had planned for the reception to end at 10 and this happened at 8? Nope, this man would be cut out of my life.

Exactly. Too little, too late, in my opinion. Sure, he apologized and purchased the DJ a new laptop, but he essentially ruined her wedding day. She doesn't get a do-over on that.

I think "ruining her wedding day" is a bit much. Ended the party too early, upset people, completely uncalled for? Absolutely. But she was still married, still got to celebrate a bit. Ruined the rest of the evening, sure. But the entire day? A little much I think. 

Sure, he didn't technically ruin the entire day. I meant that in a general sense, but I should have been more specific. I think it's fair to say this guy basically put a huge damper on the reception and you could probably even be bold enough to say that he ruined a good portion of it. What this guy pulled is not in the same camp as "Oh, cousin Joe had a little too much to drink and fell over on the dance floor."

[Deleted User]

kylexo said:

charlotte989875 said:

sunflower0592 said:

kylexo said:

Ironring said:

But.....he did pay the DJ back and apologized. He tried to make amends so it would be a bIt spiteful if you still held that against him. I can totally understand being angry but forgiveness needs to happen at some point. 

That doesn't change the fact that music was shut down and many guests left. Say they had planned for the reception to end at 10 and this happened at 8? Nope, this man would be cut out of my life.

Exactly. Too little, too late, in my opinion. Sure, he apologized and purchased the DJ a new laptop, but he essentially ruined her wedding day. She doesn't get a do-over on that.

I think "ruining her wedding day" is a bit much. Ended the party too early, upset people, completely uncalled for? Absolutely. But she was still married, still got to celebrate a bit. Ruined the rest of the evening, sure. But the entire day? A little much I think. 

Maybe that phrasing is a little much, but still unforgivable in my opinion. Sure, he bought the DJ a new laptop, but I've spent thousands of dollars on a party where, due to your thoughtless actions, the festivities I'd planned, budgeted for and paid for have been wrecked. I may be able to forgive, in time, but this person will no longer be a part of my life.

Forgiving does not need to equal forget. You can forgive, move on with your life and not need to hang onto lasting bitterness....and yes, it's perfectly fine if this person is no longer a part of your life (ie you don't need to forget). He apologized, and what's done is done. There's nothing that can be done now. Not sending a thank you note (not saying that's what you are saying, more to the royal "you") would appear bitter. 

Jen4948

charlotte989875 said:

sunflower0592 said:

kylexo said:

Ironring said:

But.....he did pay the DJ back and apologized. He tried to make amends so it would be a bIt spiteful if you still held that against him. I can totally understand being angry but forgiveness needs to happen at some point. 

That doesn't change the fact that music was shut down and many guests left. Say they had planned for the reception to end at 10 and this happened at 8? Nope, this man would be cut out of my life.

Exactly. Too little, too late, in my opinion. Sure, he apologized and purchased the DJ a new laptop, but he essentially ruined her wedding day. She doesn't get a do-over on that.

I think "ruining her wedding day" is a bit much. Ended the party too early, upset people, completely uncalled for? Absolutely. But she was still married, still got to celebrate a bit. Ruined the rest of the evening, sure. But the entire day? A little much I think. 

Yes and no. The couple are married at the end of the day no matter what.  But the PP is correct. The couple doesn't get a do-over for a reception that went bad because of what this guy did. I think that while it's a little much to claim that he "ruined the whole occasion," he did ruin a major part of it and shouldn't expect automatic forgiveness just because he apologized and paid for the damage.  For forgiveness to happen, he may need to wait for time to pass so that the couple can put what happened into larger perspective, or he may need to make a bigger gesture of contrition first.

artbyallie

I would no longer be in communication with someone who would spitefully and deliberately destroy hundreds of dollars worth of a professional's equipment. I'm shocked the DJ didn't press criminal charges, honestly. That's not just a situation of having too much to drink and accidentally spilling. It's fucking rude and childish and drunk or not he knew better than to do something like that.

thisismynickname2

From the OP: " My husband was furious and asked the guest to leave. The incident was blamed on too much alcohol, and it ruined the rest of the evening. Many guests were upset and left."

We don't know all the details here. Yes, guests could have stayed and mingled and someone could have put on Pandora, but I'd bet my bottom dollar when Husband asked Drunky to leave, other guests defended him, words were had, and more guests left after Drunky was kicked out. We also don't know what time it happened- was it during dinner? Did dancing even happen?

I don't think we know enough to truly judge how ruined the evening was. I hope for the couple's sake most of the fun traditions were had before this happened. 

kimmiinthemitten

sunflower0592 said:

kylexo said:

Ironring said:

But.....he did pay the DJ back and apologized. He tried to make amends so it would be a bIt spiteful if you still held that against him. I can totally understand being angry but forgiveness needs to happen at some point. 

That doesn't change the fact that music was shut down and many guests left. Say they had planned for the reception to end at 10 and this happened at 8? Nope, this man would be cut out of my life.

Exactly. Too little, too late, in my opinion. Sure, he apologized and purchased the DJ a new laptop, but he essentially ruined her wedding day. She doesn't get a do-over on that.

Not to mention, that level of anger is scary and dangerous.

DrillSergeantCat

It's definitely a blight on the day. Yes, the end result is that she's married, but whenever she thinks back to it there's always going to be the memory of the fuckwit who ruined the reception.

lyndausvi

  I would still send a TY for the gift because it's what you do when you get a gift.   Yes the husband was a dick, but I think it's a little petty to just address her.  They gave them the give, send a TY and be done.

Sending a TY for a gift doesn't mean I forgot the guests behavior.  It's just the right thing to do and I tend to be one who tries to be the bigger person.

banana468

Whether or not I'd cut this guy out of my life really depends on more than that moment.

I'd be really upset at what he did but this isn't an unforgivable or stay out of my life offense.  

If this was one instance in a long pattern of behavior then it would be a different story - and even then it would depend on my relationship with the guy.

Bottom line - send the TY note.    And next time, see what backup options are possible.  

"Ruined the day" is a really big stretch here.   

ei34

It's rare that one guest can do something to effect so many guests' experience.  Especially music- that's one of the big three- imagine if he'd somehow shattered all of the liquor bottles or something? Yikes.
 I'd be really mad if it was my wedding, but I'd send a thank you and never see him again.  I'll bet the MOB was mortified too (since it was her friend). 

downtondiva

I saw this too and was curious what you guys would think of it. Bizarre situation and of course the guest's behavior was unacceptable, but I don't think it's ever okay not to send a thank you note for a wedding gift. However, I would strictly thank them for the gift and not say anything about their presence at the wedding (in my notes I thanked all those who attended for coming/said it was great seeing them, but I would not if something like this had happened). 

Does anyone else find it odd that so many other guests were so upset that they left? I can't help thinking we're not being told something here, and I'd love to know exactly what happened!

lyndausvi

downtondiva said:

I saw this too and was curious what you guys would think of it. Bizarre situation and of course the guest's behavior was unacceptable, but I don't think it's ever okay not to send a thank you note for a wedding gift. However, I would strictly thank them for the gift and not say anything about their presence at the wedding (in my notes I thanked all those who attended for coming/said it was great seeing them, but I would not if something like this had happened). 

Does anyone else find it odd that so many other guests were so upset that they left? I can't help thinking we're not being told something here, and I'd love to know exactly what happened!

Yes.   Odd reaction to laptop being ruined.   I'm thinking there is way more to this story.


Sure it would be a bummer.  However, not complete buzz kill.    

On other note. I have some DJ friends.  They all have back up laptops and/or tablets, etc with them.   Electronics are fickle and they all have backups for when they act up during a gig.

photokitty

Granted, we don't know the whole story, but imagining what I would have done in the situation...Honestly, I'd consider returning the gift just to be clear I wanted nothing to do with them. While he may not have ruined the whole day, he ruined the expensive part. We spent a lot of money a top shelf open bar, one that people enjoyed while dancing. Dancing that is not happening bc some ass destroyed private property. The guests could have been upset there was no music and that's why they left. That's how I first read it. Or the dj could have been upset and refused to continue. I had to sign a contract clause about guests intentionally damaging the dj equipment.

If I spent over 10k on a reception only to have this happen, I'd feel it was ruined and I should have just had cake and punch if people are going to behave at douchecanoe level.

climbingsingle

Pouring water on the DJ's equipment to ruin it is a pretty extreme reaction. IMO, that's not forgivable. Yes, I'd still send the thank you. 

Sure, they're still married. But one of the things I was really looking forward to was dancing with my guests. And that was one of the best parts of the day. If someone had ruined that for me, on purpose, I'd be furious. This wasn't an accident - he didn't trip and break the speakers/laptop/etc. Hopefully it didn't happen at the beginning of the event, and hopefully the DJ had backup equipment. But what if it WAS at the beginning of the event, and what if there was no backup equipment. Sure, you could play Pandora on someone's phone at a low volume that maybe 10 people could hear. Definitely not the same. 

TheMostHappy15

photokitty said:

Granted, we don't know the whole story, but imagining what I would have done in the situation...Honestly, I'd consider returning the gift just to be clear I wanted nothing to do with them. While he may not have ruined the whole day, he ruined the expensive part. We spent a lot of money a top shelf open bar, one that people enjoyed while dancing. Dancing that is not happening bc some ass destroyed private property. The guests could have been upset there was no music and that's why they left. That's how I first read it. Or the dj could have been upset and refused to continue. I had to sign a contract clause about guests intentionally damaging the dj equipment.

If I spent over 10k on a reception only to have this happen, I'd feel it was ruined and I should have just had cake and punch if people are going to behave at douchecanoe level.

I must be a really spiteful person because this was my first thought too! And I know that's not fair because the wife had nothing to do with it... but at a certain point it's like, you are the company you keep/are married too. I can totally see this incident killing the vibe and causing people to leave out of sheer awkwardness, and I'd be so pissed if I spent all that money to throw a great party and it came to this.

That guy would be out of my life, if not for the incident itself, because of what the incident says about him. He either has a bad problem with drinking (if he drank so much he did something totally out of character for him sober) or is an extremely selfish/inconsiderate/thoughtless person in general, or both. I can't fathom thinking it's okay to break someone else's property and maybe I'm reading too much into this but this guy just sounds like the type of man who is very used to being listened to and feels entitled to having all his opinions be taken as law, and he literally malfunctioned when put in a situation where no one really cared he thought the music was too loud.

kvruns

I think I have mixed feelings on the part about it ruining the entire evening. Mostly just because not every wedding reception has people dancing til all hours of the night, some, even with a great functioning DJ, may have a lot of guests leave early and they would have left regardless of the music situation. But as always it is a know your crowd thing - if it is a late night, dancing crowd and a large portion left hour uncharacteristically early then I would see it more of a ruining the night vs having a crowd that probably wouldn't have stayed late even if the situation hadn't occurred. 

kimmiinthemitten

downtondiva said:

Does anyone else find it odd that so many other guests were so upset that they left? I can't help thinking we're not being told something here, and I'd love to know exactly what happened!

Maybe I watch too many dramas, but I imagined something like this went down in full view of the entire party and made everyone uncomfortable.  Add the lack of music to that, and I'd probably leave too.

*Man marches up to DJ, pours water on laptop.  Confrontation ensures.  Groom becomes involved and kicks guest out.*

MairePoppy

TheMostHappy15 said:

photokitty said:

Granted, we don't know the whole story, but imagining what I would have done in the situation...Honestly, I'd consider returning the gift just to be clear I wanted nothing to do with them. While he may not have ruined the whole day, he ruined the expensive part. We spent a lot of money a top shelf open bar, one that people enjoyed while dancing. Dancing that is not happening bc some ass destroyed private property. The guests could have been upset there was no music and that's why they left. That's how I first read it. Or the dj could have been upset and refused to continue. I had to sign a contract clause about guests intentionally damaging the dj equipment.

If I spent over 10k on a reception only to have this happen, I'd feel it was ruined and I should have just had cake and punch if people are going to behave at douchecanoe level.

I must be a really spiteful person because this was my first thought too! And I know that's not fair because the wife had nothing to do with it... but at a certain point it's like, you are the company you keep/are married too. I can totally see this incident killing the vibe and causing people to leave out of sheer awkwardness, and I'd be so pissed if I spent all that money to throw a great party and it came to this.

That guy would be out of my life, if not for the incident itself, because of what the incident says about him. He either has a bad problem with drinking (if he drank so much he did something totally out of character for him sober) or is an extremely selfish/inconsiderate/thoughtless person in general, or both. I can't fathom thinking it's okay to break someone else's property and maybe I'm reading too much into this but this guy just sounds like the type of man who is very used to being listened to and feels entitled to having all his opinions be taken as law, and he literally malfunctioned when put in a situation where no one really cared he thought the music was too loud.

I was reading the PP's thinking, 'am I the only one who would return the gift without a thank you note?' I guess I'm petty, unforgiving and mean, but there is no way I'd send a thank you note or have any contact with that guest of the MOB, again. I'd be able to get on with my life without offering forgiveness to that ass. 

If the guest was someone that I was close to, I'd have to think about whether or not I wanted him in my life and try to find a path to forgiveness. It would most likely have to involve the drunk starting a 12 Step program or something similar. This is MOB's friend, so no skin off my nose to never see him again.

 

kahluakoala

MairePoppy said:

TheMostHappy15 said:

photokitty said:

Granted, we don't know the whole story, but imagining what I would have done in the situation...Honestly, I'd consider returning the gift just to be clear I wanted nothing to do with them. While he may not have ruined the whole day, he ruined the expensive part. We spent a lot of money a top shelf open bar, one that people enjoyed while dancing. Dancing that is not happening bc some ass destroyed private property. The guests could have been upset there was no music and that's why they left. That's how I first read it. Or the dj could have been upset and refused to continue. I had to sign a contract clause about guests intentionally damaging the dj equipment.

If I spent over 10k on a reception only to have this happen, I'd feel it was ruined and I should have just had cake and punch if people are going to behave at douchecanoe level.

I must be a really spiteful person because this was my first thought too! And I know that's not fair because the wife had nothing to do with it... but at a certain point it's like, you are the company you keep/are married too. I can totally see this incident killing the vibe and causing people to leave out of sheer awkwardness, and I'd be so pissed if I spent all that money to throw a great party and it came to this.

That guy would be out of my life, if not for the incident itself, because of what the incident says about him. He either has a bad problem with drinking (if he drank so much he did something totally out of character for him sober) or is an extremely selfish/inconsiderate/thoughtless person in general, or both. I can't fathom thinking it's okay to break someone else's property and maybe I'm reading too much into this but this guy just sounds like the type of man who is very used to being listened to and feels entitled to having all his opinions be taken as law, and he literally malfunctioned when put in a situation where no one really cared he thought the music was too loud.

I was reading the PP's thinking, 'am I the only one who would return the gift without a thank you note?' I guess I'm petty, unforgiving and mean, but there is no way I'd send a thank you note or have any contact with that guest of the MOB, again. I'd be able to get on with my life without offering forgiveness to that ass. 

If the guest was someone that I was close to, I'd have to think about whether or not I wanted him in my life and try to find a path to forgiveness. It would most likely have to involve the drunk starting a 12 Step program or something similar. This is MOB's friend, so no skin off my nose to never see him again.

 

Agreed. I would be pretty devastated if this happened to me. No way that asshole would be getting a thank you note from me.

kylexo

MairePoppy said:

TheMostHappy15 said:

photokitty said:

Granted, we don't know the whole story, but imagining what I would have done in the situation...Honestly, I'd consider returning the gift just to be clear I wanted nothing to do with them. While he may not have ruined the whole day, he ruined the expensive part. We spent a lot of money a top shelf open bar, one that people enjoyed while dancing. Dancing that is not happening bc some ass destroyed private property. The guests could have been upset there was no music and that's why they left. That's how I first read it. Or the dj could have been upset and refused to continue. I had to sign a contract clause about guests intentionally damaging the dj equipment.

If I spent over 10k on a reception only to have this happen, I'd feel it was ruined and I should have just had cake and punch if people are going to behave at douchecanoe level.

I must be a really spiteful person because this was my first thought too! And I know that's not fair because the wife had nothing to do with it... but at a certain point it's like, you are the company you keep/are married too. I can totally see this incident killing the vibe and causing people to leave out of sheer awkwardness, and I'd be so pissed if I spent all that money to throw a great party and it came to this.

That guy would be out of my life, if not for the incident itself, because of what the incident says about him. He either has a bad problem with drinking (if he drank so much he did something totally out of character for him sober) or is an extremely selfish/inconsiderate/thoughtless person in general, or both. I can't fathom thinking it's okay to break someone else's property and maybe I'm reading too much into this but this guy just sounds like the type of man who is very used to being listened to and feels entitled to having all his opinions be taken as law, and he literally malfunctioned when put in a situation where no one really cared he thought the music was too loud.

I was reading the PP's thinking, 'am I the only one who would return the gift without a thank you note?' I guess I'm petty, unforgiving and mean, but there is no way I'd send a thank you note or have any contact with that guest of the MOB, again. I'd be able to get on with my life without offering forgiveness to that ass. 

If the guest was someone that I was close to, I'd have to think about whether or not I wanted him in my life and try to find a path to forgiveness. It would most likely have to involve the drunk starting a 12 Step program or something similar. This is MOB's friend, so no skin off my nose to never see him again.

 

You've hit the nail on the head for me. This gift would be returned with no thank you and a way one ticket on the out-of-my-life express. I'd also be having a serious convo with mom about why she is friends with this person.

southernbelle0915

Would I advise someone else to take the high road and write the note? Ideally, yes.

Would I take my own advice? Realistically, probably not.

Obviously the "right" answer is to write the note, but this is chit chat, not the E board. Good on the guy for apologizing and buying the DJ a new laptop, but too little too late. What a prick. If I were sure I didn't want to stay in contact, I'd return his gift and not write a TY note. Sorrynotsorry.