Wedding Woes

Worlds Collide

edited August 2016 in Wedding Woes
**Editing this post since it seems to have been taken differently than I intended. 

I'm not sure if I'd necessarily deem this a wedding woe, but it is kind of a funny situation I'm wondering if other people have gone through.

I'm getting married next summer and I just realized that this will be the first wedding I've gone to (so to speak) in which the bride and groom (us!) don't share a group of friends from college. Up until now, all our our friends who have gotten married have been those that met in college, continued dating afterwards, and then eventually tied the knot. We are the first couple who met post-college to get hitched.

I'm wondering how many other couples find themselves coming together from different walks of life? Any fun stories from when your different groups of friends came together at the wedding? 


Re: Worlds Collide

  • I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to give the impression that I think people involved in Greek life won't discuss international politics (funnily enough, my friend who is most likely to want to discuss such things was in a sorority in college). I was just relying on stereotypes to convey my point: his friends are more into partying and discussing said partying, my friends are a little more serious and into nerdy things. Appreciate the response and apologies again if I gave offense.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm not sure if I'd necessarily deem this a wedding woe, but it is kind of a funny situation I'm wondering if other people have gone through.

    I'm getting married next summer and I just realized that this will be the first wedding I've gone to (so to speak) in which the bride and groom (us!) don't share a group of friends from college. Up until now, all our our friends who have gotten married have been those that met in college, continued dating afterwards, and then eventually tied the knot. We are the first couple who met post-college to get hitched.

    In addition to not having a shared history or college experience, our friends are about as far apart from each other on the spectrum as they could possibly be. To use a college metaphor, his friends are the frat stars and sorority queens, mine are much more from the nerd side of things (aka most likely to quote LOTR and discuss international politics). We actually went to school in different parts of the country as well, so even geographically I'd say there is a bit of a divide.

    I don't think either one of us has ever felt totally at ease with the other's group, but we have made it work. (And most importantly, we work splendidly, for reasons I'll never quite understand.)

    Having seen other friends' weddings, it seems like their shared memories of college play a huge role in conversations at the rehearsal dinner and reception, and I'm having a really hard time picturing our friend groups mixing, at all. (Our families are also from totally different cultures, just to add to the fun.)

    I'd love to hear from other brides about how they felt their separate friend groups melded on the big day!


    I don't think your friends have to melt together at all.  They don't need to share experiences during the RD either.  All of the weddings I have been in, the couples met after college, so no shared friends.  I met and was social with the other members of the WP, but most of time I spent with my friends. 

    I think you are overthinking things and this is something you don't need to worry about.  If assigning seats at the RD, sit all your friends together and all your FI's friends together.  Same goes for the wedding.  Don't try to intermix the groups because you think they might have something to talk about.  People want to hang out with the people they know best and not try to have constant small talk with someone they just met over the course of dinner.

    This. It's more frequent that people think that the couple's families have to "bond," but really, often they don't care to do that and would much rather spend time with the people they already know.

    We were in the same college friend group, but our college friend group was separate from his doctoral biology lab friends, and my master's in theology friends. A few of them did some mingling. Most hung out with the people they knew. All had a great time. At the rehearsal dinner and the reception, we had the wedding party members sit at tables with their friends instead of a traditional head table, since we knew we were going to be bouncing up and down to greet guests and we'd been with them all day. This is really only a concern if you're going to try to force these two groups to spend time only within talking distance of someone from the other group. Try to minimize that.

    The people you need to worry about are the people who don't know anyone at all. Let them bring a +1 if they're single.
    OliveOilsMomSP29
  • That's a lot of sweeping generalizations for one post. 

    I don't try to micromanage interactions between others, so i don't know how much advice i can give on this. Unless you have people that you *know* will clash to the point of getting into a massive physical or verbal altercation, I would recommend just letting people interact as they will. You don't have to force anything (like assigned seating at tables to mix the groups) - just split the groups in cases where mixing them will cause issues. (i.e. don't seat your outspoken super religious friend with your hardcore atheist friend). Since you and your FI met and are getting married, you know firsthand that it's possible for people from different backgrounds to meet and get along. 
    short+sassymrsconn23OliveOilsMom
  • *Barbie* said:
    That's a lot of sweeping generalizations for one post. 

    I don't try to micromanage interactions between others, so i don't know how much advice i can give on this. Unless you have people that you *know* will clash to the point of getting into a massive physical or verbal altercation, I would recommend just letting people interact as they will. You don't have to force anything (like assigned seating at tables to mix the groups) - just split the groups in cases where mixing them will cause issues. (i.e. don't seat your outspoken super religious friend with your hardcore atheist friend). Since you and your FI met and are getting married, you know firsthand that it's possible for people from different backgrounds to meet and get along. 
    Oh gosh, I'm afraid the tone of my post was completely misread. I really meant this in a light-hearted way and was wondering if there were other people who had kind of humorously different friend groups. To be honest, it's not something I'm worried or stressing about in the slightest. They're all nice people, and I'm sure it will be a great time.




  • We met way after university so we don't have shared uni friends, we do have our friends that live in the same area that have kind of become our mutual group in the last year. At our wedding I expect they will do what adults do when they are in social situations where they don't know everyone - make polite conversation as required, but mainly stick with the group they know. Your friend groups don't need to become friends with each other, and it's not something you need to stress about. Maybe you'll set up a hook-up or two like Charlottes wedding  :)
                 
    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Mmmm yeah I think you're digging your hole deeper with the stereotypes. Just say you're afraid your friends won't mix well.
    And the answer to that fear is all the above posts. 

    Honestly I'm only talking to people I already know at weddings, but I'm an introvert. If I'm stuck at a table with people I don't know, I can make smalltalk with the best of them but that's it. Just avoid mixing your crowds at tables, as much as you can. 
    ________________________________


  • I'm a nurse and FI is a investment banker ... our friends have zero in common. I'm not worried. People are grouped together by common interests/workplace etc and I'm sure everyone can find something to talk about.

    I wouldn't waste any time on this.

    SP29
  • I attended four different high schools.  I married DH at age 25, though we had known each other for 9 years.  Few old friends attended our wedding.  It was very small, mostly relatives.  My bridesmaids were my sister and FSIL.

    Your wedding is your FI's and yours.  It doesn't need to mimick other weddings you have seen.  The important thing is that you are marrying each other, and will have a future life together.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You're overthinking this.  Seat your friends together and FI's friends together at the reception.
    MesmrEweSP29
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My H is 7 years older than me. Obviously we didn't meet in college. Come to think of it, the majority of my married friends met their spouses after college. Anyway, all of our friends get along just fine. Don't see why this is a thing to stress about b

  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I think you've seen too many wedding movies where everyone is one, hand holding, singing crowd. They don't need to be friends, or even acqaintances, they are all literally wedding guests for one day. 

    I'm a 36 year old, sorority bride marrying a 35 year old fraternity guy. We're both nerds. Our friend groups aren't friends. It's okay. 
    image
    charlotte989875ShesSoColdOliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • The reason that shared memories of college have dominated the conversations at weddings you've attended is because all of the weddings you've attended so far have guest lists where people have shared memories of college. This would seem like a no-brainer to me.

    How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I loved my college experience, and occasionally reminisce with my college friends when we get together, but I wouldn't say that college memories "dominate" our conversations. We're pushing 30 now...there are other things that have happened in our lives, and many other things to talk about. I'm sure your groups of friends will have no trouble talking about some of those things rather than school.


  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The reason that shared memories of college have dominated the conversations at weddings you've attended is because all of the weddings you've attended so far have guest lists where people have shared memories of college. This would seem like a no-brainer to me.

    How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I loved my college experience, and occasionally reminisce with my college friends when we get together, but I wouldn't say that college memories "dominate" our conversations. We're pushing 30 now...there are other things that have happened in our lives, and many other things to talk about. I'm sure your groups of friends will have no trouble talking about some of those things rather than school.
    I'm wondering this too. My friends and I are in our mid-30s. While we do reminisce, we really don't talk about college that much. In my experience, people that don't have much in common can still have friendly and polite conversations. They can even have fun! My friends and my H's friends don't have a ton in common. But any time we've had a party where both are in attendance, they all drink and mingle and talk to each other. But again, these are all people ranging in age from 36-44. Maybe if you're younger, you're experiencing something different? 

    OurWildKingdom
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    H and I met well after college. We had no mutual friends. None of my friends have anything in common with any of his friends. Not even the individuals who are in the same field of work.

    Turns out my BM's husband went to high school with one of H's friends from college. They played football together. 

    With that sole exception, our circles are still separate and everyone had a great time with no issues mingling or interacting with total strangers. 


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

  • Well, I didn't go to college at all but I'm able to make conversation with people with PHDs.

    Yes, yes, 1 million times yes. 

    Also, it's one day (or two, if people are at the RD).  They just need to make small talk.  There's plenty of it to make. 

    I have only been to ONE wedding where I met someone and walked away with a friendship.  And it's a FB friendship since she lives in DC and I live in the midwest.  But we had a connection and we decided to take it to the FB level. 
    OurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
  • We're both in our late twenties, as our our friends (I'm a year older and my friends are closer to 30, with some in their early thirties.) I would say they're a little more fixated on their college experience than most are at our age, but I guess it's different for everyone. I'm sure everyone will get along splendidly, and if they don't mix, no biggie.
  • For OP, I think what sounds nice about the guest list for your wedding is there will be a good assortment of people who know each other and people who don't.  Or at least don't know each other well.  When I'm at a social function, like a wedding, I enjoy both catching up with people I know as well as meeting new people.

    Especially for small talk, meeting a stranger with different interests than mine can be extra entertaining because I will learn new things.

    Just like you and your FI, people "click"...whether as friends, lovers, acquaintances...for all kinds of different reasons. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    SP29
  • Heffalump said:
    *Barbie* said:
    That's a lot of sweeping generalizations for one post. 

    I don't try to micromanage interactions between others, so i don't know how much advice i can give on this. Unless you have people that you *know* will clash to the point of getting into a massive physical or verbal altercation, I would recommend just letting people interact as they will. You don't have to force anything (like assigned seating at tables to mix the groups) - just split the groups in cases where mixing them will cause issues. (i.e. don't seat your outspoken super religious friend with your hardcore atheist friend). Since you and your FI met and are getting married, you know firsthand that it's possible for people from different backgrounds to meet and get along. 
    Oh gosh, I'm afraid the tone of my post was completely misread. I really meant this in a light-hearted way and was wondering if there were other people who had kind of humorously different friend groups. To be honest, it's not something I'm worried or stressing about in the slightest. They're all nice people, and I'm sure it will be a great time.
    I think you need to take responsibility for your own missteps, OP.  To say "I'm afraid my tone was misread" implies that the fault lies with everyone who was reading your post, rather than the way in which you wrote it.  Protip:  if everyone is misunderstanding your intent, it's likely that it's not everyone else, it's you.

    FWIW, I read it the same way everyone else did, and thought you sounded like a jerk in your first post.  The post quoted above didn't help your case.
    It isn't worth much, cupcake. Thanks for replying!
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Heffalump said:
    *Barbie* said:
    That's a lot of sweeping generalizations for one post. 

    I don't try to micromanage interactions between others, so i don't know how much advice i can give on this. Unless you have people that you *know* will clash to the point of getting into a massive physical or verbal altercation, I would recommend just letting people interact as they will. You don't have to force anything (like assigned seating at tables to mix the groups) - just split the groups in cases where mixing them will cause issues. (i.e. don't seat your outspoken super religious friend with your hardcore atheist friend). Since you and your FI met and are getting married, you know firsthand that it's possible for people from different backgrounds to meet and get along. 
    Oh gosh, I'm afraid the tone of my post was completely misread. I really meant this in a light-hearted way and was wondering if there were other people who had kind of humorously different friend groups. To be honest, it's not something I'm worried or stressing about in the slightest. They're all nice people, and I'm sure it will be a great time.
    I think you need to take responsibility for your own missteps, OP.  To say "I'm afraid my tone was misread" implies that the fault lies with everyone who was reading your post, rather than the way in which you wrote it.  Protip:  if everyone is misunderstanding your intent, it's likely that it's not everyone else, it's you.

    FWIW, I read it the same way everyone else did, and thought you sounded like a jerk in your first post.  The post quoted above didn't help your case.
    It isn't worth much, cupcake. Thanks for replying!
    Well, THAT was uncalled for. 


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    OurWildKingdomkimmiinthemittenOliveOilsMom
  • Clearly we couldn't communicate with OP because she's so well educated and nerdy.
    But......you said you could talk to people with phd's even though (whisper it) you didn't even go to college! 
                 
    kimmiinthemitten
  • Dang, I wish OP would have stayed around long enough to fill this out:


    glasgowtolondonTrixieJesskimmiinthemittenthisismynickname2
  • edited August 2016
    mrsconn23 said:
    Dang, I wish OP would have stayed around long enough to fill this out:


    Lol, I used to work with a guy who would pass a work version of this form around.  

    ETA: probably wasn't all that politically correct....
    mrsconn23
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