I got boo'd on wedding wire for this... second opinions PLZ

Knottie1471448962

So here's the story. "FH" and I are already technically married. We eloped back in April due to me just wanting to move in with him already (we were engaged), and my very religious parents being very much against it. Here's the thing, most of the people attending the wedding have no idea that we're married and will absolutely think that they're witnessing us getting married. Currently, the only people that know are my parents (but not FH's) and my MOH. I think it's justified since the "signing of the papers" back in April is not really of any significance to us. Sure we acknowledge it between us but there's nothing really "special" about that day. We literally did it as a legality to make my parents happy before I moved in with him. We are not wearing our rings yet and will celebrate our anniversary on the date of the upcoming wedding.

sunflower0592

anidorikiladra

You got boo'd for good reasons. What you are trying to do is dishonest. You are already married. You should tell your husband's parents immediately and hope you didn't hurt their feelings by keeping a secret for so long. 
The "signing of the papers" may not be significant to you but it is to a lot of people. Maybe stop brushing off your wedding day as "not real", as that is offensive to a lot of people. 
As a Christian I understand wanting to be married before moving in together. That does not make your situation ok. You are likely going to hurt a lot of people with your pretend wedding, including your in-laws. 
Secrets can get out. There will likely be many people who will be disappointed that they aren't seeing your real wedding. It will be worse if they find out from someone else. 
What are you going to do for the "signing of the registry" part of the ceremony??

I'm not sure what you're looking for here. You will not get an ounce of validation from this website. Please do some damage control before you lose friends and hurt family over this. 

SaintPaulGal

You are not going to find any support for your deceit here.

If you don't feel there was anything special about the day you married your husband, that is your problem.  "Signing the papers" was your wedding day. Having a second, fake wedding is deceitful to your guests.  It is also an insult to everyone who has fought for the right to legal marriage and everyone who has gotten married without all the hoopla--those people are just as married as you are right now, and just as married as anyone who has a massive party with 500 attendees.  

You get one wedding per spouse.  You chose a quiet courthouse ceremony. That was your wedding.  You don't get a second one without a divorce. 

ahyatt87

Knottie1471448962 said:

So here's the story. "FH" and I are already technically married. We eloped back in April due to me just wanting to move in with him already (we were engaged), and my very religious parents being very much against it. Here's the thing, most of the people attending the wedding have no idea that we're married and will absolutely think that they're witnessing us getting married. Currently, the only people that know are my parents (but not FH's) and my MOH. I think it's justified since the "signing of the papers" back in April is not really of any significance to us. Sure we acknowledge it between us but there's nothing really "special" about that day. We literally did it as a legality to make my parents happy before I moved in with him. We are not wearing our rings yet and will celebrate our anniversary on the date of the upcoming wedding.

JIC

This is super gross. Many couples in non-hetrosexual relationships still can't participate in the "signing of the papers", which is significant because that is what makes you married. Not mention actively lying to people because you want a special day. Nope, nope, nope. This is a terrible idea.

ILoveBeachMusic

Everything that @anidorikiladra said. You are being dishonest. If being married before moving in was that big of a deal (which I totally understand) you could have waited to move in until your planned wedding day - which is not your wedding day.

SP29

Sorry OP, you're going to get boo'd here too.

Signing of the papers and the civil ceremony you had WAS your wedding. You are married, a wife and a husband. You made a choice, own it. If it was so important to you to be married to appease your parents (seriously, you're an adult, you can tell your parents, "I do not have the same beliefs as you, we are moving in together unmarried"- what are they going to do to you?), then you own that choice and plan your wedding for then.

Please realize it's pretty offensive to say, "the day didn't really mean anything to us" when there are those who have fought so hard to only recently (or still not at all!) be granted the same rights. Personally, I find it offensive because it sounds like the couple is saying, "It's not a REAL wedding unless we have fancy clothes, and people, and a party"- all you need to married is an officiant, two consenting adults and a witness or two; which you had. Many people have simple civil ceremonies (like my grandparents married near 60 years), and it was their real wedding.

NOW- I am not against a celebration of marriage party. You can throw a party for any reason, invite anyone you wish, and it can be as lavish as you want. But it should not involve a ceremony (you're already married), it should not include any mention of "bride and groom" (you are husband and wife) and you should not have wedding specific traditions (feeding each other, a head table, a wedding party).

You can host your own party. Any good host would greet their guests and thank them for coming (aka receiving line). It is fine for the hosts to open up the dance floor (i.e. you can start the dancing off together, but not spotlight "first" dance). A host would cut and serve the dessert to their guests (but you serve your guests first and would not feed each other, as that signifies the first meal as husband and wife). You can wear whatever fancy dress you like, have a bar, DJ, dancing, cake, decor.

Even if you decide to go through with this- PLEASE- at the very least, let your guests know you are already married. Then leave it up to them to decide to attend or not. You run the risk of potentially having friends and family quite upset when they realize you were already married- and they WILL find out.

lyndausvi

Psst: there is no such thing as technically married.  You either are or not.




ETA - hope there is a really good reason to hide this to your IL (notice not future in there).  Assuming a decent relationship with them, I would be fucking pissed if the other set of parents knew and we didn't.

Jen4948

Were you aware that had you broken up after your "legal ceremony" but before your "meaningful ceremony" you would have had to get a divorce?

And even if you had never had that "meaningful ceremony," it's your legal husband, not your parents, who have the right to make decisions like medical treatment for you if you aren't competent to make that decision for yourself and who would inherit your estate if you don't have a will.

Sorry, but the fact that that "legal ceremony" doesn't mean anything to you is really, profoundly inappropriate and wrong. That ceremony, and not anything that follows (whether it's in a church or not and whether your parents approve or not) is your WEDDING. You aren't "technically married" or "legally married," you are MARRIED.

You can have a "celebration of marriage" party, but you cannot have a "wedding" or "wedding reception" for the marriage you already have - whether the ceremony you already had was "meaningful" to you or not.

STARMOON44

How did the day mean nothing but also make it okay to move in together?

ernursej

Please change your idea to a celebration of marriage and get rid of the fake ceremony and trappings of a wedding. You are already married. Do not have a fake ceremony and attempt to pull one over your guests. I would be irritated if I ever found out.

ei34

BOOOOOOOOOO!!

Just have a celebration of marriage party.

geebee908

Agree that you should tell your in-laws right away and hope that they will be somewhat understanding that you chose to hide this from them. They missed their son's wedding; I imagine that will not be an easy thing to move past.

[Deleted User]

STARMOON44 said:

How did the day mean nothing but also make it okay to move in together?

My exact thought. It obviously meant something since you made a major life change (moving in) on account of it. 

If that was just for your parents sake, then you should have grown up and been an adult about your relationship. Move in or don't move before you get married, but it should be your decision. But either way, don't lie to the people close to you. 

CMGragain

Knottie1471448962 said:

So here's the story. "FH" and I are already technically married. We eloped back in April due to me just wanting to move in with him already (we were engaged), and my very religious parents being very much against it. Here's the thing, most of the people attending the wedding have no idea that we're married and will absolutely think that they're witnessing us getting married. Currently, the only people that know are my parents (but not FH's) and my MOH. I think it's justified since the "signing of the papers" back in April is not really of any significance to us. Sure we acknowledge it between us but there's nothing really "special" about that day. We literally did it as a legality to make my parents happy before I moved in with him. We are not wearing our rings yet and will celebrate our anniversary on the date of the upcoming wedding.

1.  You are already married.  You cannot have a wedding.  You can have a celebration of your marriage.

2.  Lying to people by inviting them to a wedding is wrong.  Ask your religious parents to explain "wrong" to you.  Does your minister know?  He should.

3.  Unless you are Catholic, marriage is not a religious sacrament.  It is a legal contract that may be blessed by your church, depending on the denomination.  When a minister officiates at a actual wedding (yours is not), one of his duties is to be sure that the papers are filled out, signed, and submitted to your local government office (County clerk).  This is what makes you married, not the religious ceremony.

4.  You should send out formal marriage announcements immediately!

Mr. and Mrs. John Bridesparents

announce the marriage of their daughter

Daisy May

to

Mr. Abner Yokum

April 12, 2016

City, State


5.  If the invitations to your fake wedding have not been sent, you should send these, instead.  No wedding dress and cancel the bridesmaids.  (You should pay for their dresses if they have already purchased them.)

Mr. and Mrs. John Bridesparents
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage blessing for their daughter
Daisy May
and her husband
Mr. Abner Yokum
Day, Date
time o'clock
Church Name
Address
City, State

Your minister will decide what is appropriate.  Now you can have the party to celebrate your marriage.  Only a few changes need be made.  I hope this helps.  If you continue with your fake wedding plans, people WILL find out, and you will have people who will never forgive you for lying to them.  Start wearing your rings and calling each other "husband and wife".  Your marriage is public record, and anyone can look up the date if they want to.  What YOU think is irrelevant.  You are married.

It is too soon for you to have a vow renewal, but this etiquette site will be appropriate for your marriage celebration.  It explains why the wedding dress and bridesmaids are not appropriate. 
http://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/vow-renewal-etiquette-2/

lyndausvi

Ironring said:

@STARMOON44 said:

How did the day mean nothing but also make it okay to move in together?

My exact thought. It obviously meant something since you made a major life change (moving in) on account of it. 

If that was just for your parents sake, then you should have grown up and been an adult about your relationship. Move in or don't move before you get married, but it should be your decision. But either way, don't lie to the people close to you. 

The sex alone would make it something, no?

monkeysip

STARMOON44 said:

How did the day mean nothing but also make it okay to move in together?

This is what I never understand about these PPDs for supposed "christian" reasons.

First, like STAR said above, the day is somehow official enough for them to move into together, but not official enough for it to "be important" or tell people about.  Riiiggghhhtt.

Second, the parents think it's immoral to live together before marriage and yet perfectly fine to lie to people about it?  Stop with your fake, hypocritical christianity.

ThisShamanluvsaMage

GTFO of here with that "just a piece of paper" crap.

downtondiva

Sorry, I'm booing you too. Nice try though.

[Deleted User]

lyndausvi said:

Ironring said:

@STARMOON44 said:

How did the day mean nothing but also make it okay to move in together?

My exact thought. It obviously meant something since you made a major life change (moving in) on account of it. 

If that was just for your parents sake, then you should have grown up and been an adult about your relationship. Move in or don't move before you get married, but it should be your decision. But either way, don't lie to the people close to you. 

The sex alone would make it something, no?

My guess from her post is that they weren't waiting anyways. It didn't sound like they cared if they were married before living together but did it for the sake of her parents (meaning sex before marriage also probably wasn't something they were worried about). 

geebee908

I'd also like to know how your parents can condone your lying to everyone, but particularly lying to his parents. How would they feel if they had been the ones left out?

MobKaz

So your "very religious" parents will approve of your lying to a clergyman?  I'm not buying this new poster or her story.

CMGragain

OP, about Christian religion and sex:

The Bible does not say that having sex before marriage is a sin.  It does say that having sex with prostitutes is a sin.   It says that adultery (having sex with someone who is married to somebody else) is a big sin.  It does not address living together outside of marriage at all, though it was done in ancient times, too.

The Bible does clearly say that lying is a sin - especially "Thou shalt not bear false witness".  This is what you will be doing if you continue with your fake wedding plans.

It is there.  Read your Bible.

Jells2dot0

monkeysip said:

STARMOON44 said:

How did the day mean nothing but also make it okay to move in together?

This is what I never understand about these PPDs for supposed "christian" reasons.

First, like STAR said above, the day is somehow official enough for them to move into together, but not official enough for it to "be important" or tell people about.  Riiiggghhhtt.

Second, the parents think it's immoral to live together before marriage and yet perfectly fine to lie to people about it?  Stop with your fake, hypocritical christianity.

So, they are going to get married so they can appease the religious parents, yet they get married outside of a church?? I can't imagine mom and dad are okay with that. The church won't look too kindly on any of this as well!

jacques27

Hate to break to you, but being disgusted by liars and hypocrites is pretty universal, not just on Wedding Wire. 

Good luck repairing all of your relationships, including those with your in-laws when they find out you're a liar who doesn't value the sanctity of marriage.  That should really endear you to them.

[Deleted User]

Jells2dot0 said:

monkeysip said:

STARMOON44 said:

How did the day mean nothing but also make it okay to move in together?

This is what I never understand about these PPDs for supposed "christian" reasons.

First, like STAR said above, the day is somehow official enough for them to move into together, but not official enough for it to "be important" or tell people about.  Riiiggghhhtt.

Second, the parents think it's immoral to live together before marriage and yet perfectly fine to lie to people about it?  Stop with your fake, hypocritical christianity.

So, they are going to get married so they can appease the religious parents, yet they get married outside of a church?? I can't imagine mom and dad are okay with that. The church won't look too kindly on any of this as well!

Depends which church. Mine (protestant, not catholic) is fairly conservative but has no issues with weddings not within a church building. Of course, the weddings need to actually be legal and legit with a legal officiant and an actual marriage license....

DrillSergeantCat

I'm sorry (actually I'm not) but you deserve all the boos. Sister. When you MARRIED your fiancé he stopped being your Future Husband and became your HUSBAND!! Signing the paper is exactly what makes you married. The pretty dress, the party, gifts, and guests are just extras. A reception is to thank people for witnessing your Union. You e already done that. 

Your idea that "it's just a piece of paper" is gross and I seriously hope this is MUD and that you're just a troll. 

OurWildKingdom

If you're looking for someone to co-sign your nonsense, you won't find that here. As half of a non-heterosexual couple, I find your attitude towards marriage being "a piece of paper" disgusting. 

ThisShamanluvsaMage

You know, I wish someone had told me that my marriage to my exH wasn't real, since all we did were the legalities.  No dress or cake or reception.  Would have been cheaper not having to pay for a "real" divorce.

climbingsingle

I'm at a loss for words. 


Oh wait. No I'm not. 

Boooooooooooooo! 

You should do some soul searching to figure out why you think it's OK to lie to your loved ones, including your husband's parents! Holy shit. What do you think their reaction will be? Wow, girl. Good luck. 

[Deleted User]

What's your question? Why are you posting this? Are you suddenly feeling bad? Or did someone say something to you? It appears you've been fine with this decision for quite a few months now so why have you posted this on two different wedding forums? What's different now?