Uninviting Guests Etiquette

KnotCat2016

So many have this problem. Our guest list is huge (note - never make a guest list right AFTER the passing of a loved one with the MOB, haha) and the cost will be astronomical and I have found onesie-twosies that would make sense to cut, but etiquette/protocol dictates if they receive a Save the Date, they should be invited to the wedding. Well, I wanted to know about the following scenarios and advice anyone could offer:
1. I know it's the PETTIEST, but at about $175 per guest for a free NYE bash, I know you do not have to send a bridal shower gift if you do not attend the bridal shower (obligated for wedding of course), but any leeway on that? 
2. I invited a few close coworkers. One become my manager while I was engaged and became a mini monster clone of our ultimate boss. Can her invitation not make it?
3. I got engaged and sent out a Save the Date to an old high school friend that I've seen and kept in touch with and seen. She got engaged shortly after me. She is getting married in October, and we are CLEARLY not invited, haha. Is it okay to repeal that invite?
4. There are those whom we put on the invite list because we were invited to theirs. Then we read the whole, 'if you have not been in touch for a certain amount of years'. They, like a few guests, have shown no interest or have not engaged in responding to reaching out for a personal RSVP request for just the bridal shower. Is that indicative of people that we might hold onto their invitation?

Thank you!

ShesSoCold

KnotCat2016 said:

So many have this problem. Our guest list is huge (note - never make a guest list right AFTER the passing of a loved one with the MOB, haha) and the cost will be astronomical and I have found onesie-twosies that would make sense to cut, but etiquette/protocol dictates if they receive a Save the Date, they should be invited to the wedding. Well, I wanted to know about the following scenarios and advice anyone could offer:
1. I know it's the PETTIEST, but at about $175 per guest for a free NYE bash, I know you do not have to send a bridal shower gift if you do not attend the bridal shower (obligated for wedding of course), but any leeway on that? 
2. I invited a few close coworkers. One become my manager while I was engaged and became a mini monster clone of our ultimate boss. Can her invitation not make it?
3. I got engaged and sent out a Save the Date to an old high school friend that I've seen and kept in touch with and seen. She got engaged shortly after me. She is getting married in October, and we are CLEARLY not invited, haha. Is it okay to repeal that invite?
4. There are those whom we put on the invite list because we were invited to theirs. Then we read the whole, 'if you have not been in touch for a certain amount of years'. They, like a few guests, have shown no interest or have not engaged in responding to reaching out for a personal RSVP request for just the bridal shower. Is that indicative of people that we might hold onto their invitation?

Thank you!

Oh FFS.

lyndausvi

trolls out today. 

[Deleted User]

Well of course you could not invite those people. Really, none of us are going to stop you. But it's pretty rude to send a save the date to someone and then not invite them and expect your relationship with those people to be damaged. 

I don't get #1. Are you saying you don't want to invite the person because they didn't give you a shower present? 

drunkenwitch

glasgowtolondon

levioosa

Looking at OPs former posts makes me think she's actually for real.  

No, OP, you can't "uninvite" people without being incredibly rude.  And really, you are basing inviting people off of what gifts you get?  And you want to jeopardize your professional relationships by uninviting your boss?  JFC. You should have figured out your budget first and then gone from there.  Looks like it is time to adjust your expectations and downsize some flowers, decorations, etc. in order to accommodate the mess you made.  

glasgowtolondon

levioosa said:

Looking at OPs former posts makes me think she's actually for real.  

No, OP, you can't "uninvite" people without being incredibly rude.  And really, you are basing inviting people off of what gifts you get?  And you want to jeopardize your professional relationships by uninviting your boss?  JFC. You should have figured out your budget first and then gone from there.  Looks like it is time to adjust your expectations and downsize some flowers, decorations, etc. in order to accommodate the mess you made.  

For real. I guess these people just aren't cheerleaders for her happiness......

madamerwin

You can't be serious.

geebee908

There's no etiquette for uninviting guests- this is something that should never happen unless they've made threats of bodily harm or some similarly egregious behavior. 

Sounds like all your reasoning for considering the uninvite is petty. Suck it up and send the invites.

ScottishSarah

We verbally invited a few guests when we first got engaged that we lost touch with.  Guess what, they RSVPed no.  Left money for us in our honeymoon fund as we still invited AND budgeted for them.  No, you can not just uninvite them.  

monkeysip

"1. I know it's the PETTIEST, but at about $175 per guest for a free NYE bash, I know you do not have to send a bridal shower gift if you do not attend the bridal shower (obligated for wedding of course), but any leeway on that? "

All the other ones are a clear "It's always rude to uninvite" but this is the one I'm stuck on.

Are you asking if you can uninvite people who didn't give you a bridal shower gift?  Or are you asking if showers gifts are obligatory, even if people don't attend, because you're hoping that if you invite tons of people to your shower, they'll all give you gifts?  Either way, it's INSANE, but I just want to make sure I understand which insane question you're actually asking.

Also, wedding gifts are not obligatory either.  Whether you attend the wedding or not, gifts are not mandatory.  And you REALLY shouldn't invite people just for a gift because a lot of people do not send gifts for weddings they're not attending.  

This whole post is gross.

Just face it--you invited way too many people, and now you have to pay for it.  There's no way out of this.  You made a mistake.  And weddings are not for-profit events.  You can't rely on getting gifts here.  You can either figure out a way to pay for all these guests, or you can uninvite them and appear very rude. Make your choice.

TrixieJess

KnotCat2016 said:

So many have this problem. Our guest list is huge (note - never make a guest list right AFTER the passing of a loved one with the MOB, haha) and the cost will be astronomical and I have found onesie-twosies that would make sense to cut, but etiquette/protocol dictates if they receive a Save the Date, they should be invited to the wedding. Well, I wanted to know about the following scenarios and advice anyone could offer:
1. I know it's the PETTIEST, but at about $175 per guest for a free NYE bash, I know you do not have to send a bridal shower gift if you do not attend the bridal shower (obligated for wedding of course), but any leeway on that? 
2. I invited a few close coworkers. One become my manager while I was engaged and became a mini monster clone of our ultimate boss. Can her invitation not make it?
3. I got engaged and sent out a Save the Date to an old high school friend that I've seen and kept in touch with and seen. She got engaged shortly after me. She is getting married in October, and we are CLEARLY not invited, haha. Is it okay to repeal that invite?
4. There are those whom we put on the invite list because we were invited to theirs. Then we read the whole, 'if you have not been in touch for a certain amount of years'. They, like a few guests, have shown no interest or have not engaged in responding to reaching out for a personal RSVP request for just the bridal shower. Is that indicative of people that we might hold onto their invitation?

Thank you!

What the fuck did I just read?

InLoveInQueens

I have no advice because this post is disgusting, just want to say for any lurkers reading this is why you set a budget and guest list before you send out invites/book a venue. 

downtondiva

You invited too many people, sent save-the-dates to too many people, and NOW you want to cut your guest list?

Wow. Also, no.

Jen4948

No, you can't uninvite them.

aurianna

Also, on the shower thing... once you invite someone to a shower you MUST invite them to the wedding (insanely rude to invite someone to your gift giving party and then not invite them to the wedding). So the idea of not inviting people who didn't send presents doesn't fly (not that it flew anyway).

SP29

ANY guest who receives a STD MUST receive an invitation. This is why it is recommended to only send STDs to VIPs.

#1. I am not sure what you're asking here??? Gifts are never required.

#2, #3, #4- if you sent a STD, you still have to invite them. Not sure why you chose to invite these people in the first place, but you made the guest list, now follow through.

OP, you've clearly planned backwards here. You start with a budget, then make your guest list, then find a venue to accommodate.

Instead of downgrading guests, downgrade your decor, flowers and meal if you can. Heck, find a new venue if you have to. I realize NYC is expensive, but if $175/plate is not in your budget, then find a place that is in your budget. Since invitations have not gone out, it is easy for your to change your venue (minus losing your deposits of course). Otherwise, be prepared to pay for who shows up.

ETA: Yes, a shower is a gift giving event. I mixed that up in my head with the OP saying she wasn't going to invite guests because they didn't attend the shower or send her gifts.

short+sassy

Anyone who got an STD or was invited to any pre-wedding events (ie shower, engagement party) needs to receive an invite.  To not send one, is exceedingly rude and possibly friendship-ending.  And to not send one to your boss, whom you have already invited?!?!  That could be career-ending!!  Don't be crazy.

As for #4, it was unclear to me if the friends on the "invite list" were actually sent an STD or not.  If not, cut them.  No worries there.  Though you also mention a bridal shower so, if they had been invited to that...whether they went or not...they must receive an invite.

Good lesson for lurkers.  STDs do NOT need to be sent to every person on the invite list.  If there are people on your invite list who are "maybes", don't send an STD.

kimmiinthemitten

KnotCat2016 said:

1. I know it's the PETTIEST, but at about $175 per guest for a free NYE bash

SITB 

Bad news about that "free" bash - a recent study found that attending a wedding costs guests an average of $673.00 per wedding. I personally find this number to be a bit inflated compared to my experience, but last weekends wedding cost me about $335 when all was said and done.

So much for that free bash for your non gift giving slacker friends. 

ILoveBeachMusic

SP29 said:

ANY guest who receives a STD MUST receive an invitation. This is why it is recommended to only send STDs to VIPs.

#1. I am not sure what you're asking here??? Gifts are never required, shower or wedding.

#2, #3, #4- if you sent a STD, you still have to invite them. Not sure why you chose to invite these people in the first place, but you made the guest list, now follow through.

OP, you've clearly planned backwards here. You start with a budget, then make your guest list, then find a venue to accommodate.

Instead of downgrading guests, downgrade your decor, flowers and meal if you can. Heck, find a new venue if you have to. I realize NYC is expensive, but if $175/plate is not in your budget, then find a place that is in your budget. Since invitations have not gone out, it is easy for your to change your venue (minus losing your deposits of course). Otherwise, be prepared to pay for who shows up.

I would disagree about the gift at a shower. If you go to a shower, you should take a gift - a shower is a gift giving event. If you don't go to the shower, you don't have to send a gift. I agree with everything else.

ETA: OP's whole post shrieks of entitlement. There is not etiquette approved way of doing what you want to do, OP. The whole thing is disgusting!

ei34

There are very few reasons why you wouldn't invite a guest that you sent a STD to.  Extreme reasons, like a restraining order.  Nothing you mentioned qualifies.
Lurkers, theres nothing wrong with sending STDs to VIPs only. 

LD1970

I think you definitely should cut your manager from your guest list.  That's a stellar idea.

kylexo

I hope alienating a whole bunch of people in your lives, including your BOSS (seriously??!!) goes well for you. Truly. Best of luck with this plan.

STARMOON44

If you can't afford to invite all of your guests, elope and cancel the event. 

lovesclimbing

This is why I come on this forum. 

OurWildKingdom

STARMOON44 said:

If you can't afford to invite all of your guests, elope and cancel the event. 

Best advice I've seen all day.

CMGragain

If you cannot afford your wedding, then you must cancel it.  No other choice.
Send out wedding cancellation noted to EVERYONE you invited to your wedding.

The wedding of

Bride's Full Name

and

Groom's Full Name

will not take place

as previously announced.

Now you can plan a sensible wedding within your budget.  It must be on a different date than your current plans.  You need to start from scratch and plan it all over again, or just elope.

climbingsingle

Posts like this make me lose faith in humanity. What a tacky nightmare. 

thisismynickname2

Why am I not surprised potential guests are flaking on this bride?

And it is too harsh of a judgement call to say if they're already planning on $175 a head for a "huge" guest list that money's not as much of an issue and a few extra guests won't break that particular bank...

Just send all the invites, budget for 100% attendance, and when you don't get that, use the extra funds for extra food or upgraded bar. Or save it. 

And for the sake of all lurkers, don't send freaking save-the-dates to your entire guest list. Just don't. 

OliveOilsMom

Well uninviting guests doesn't seem to be the only etiquette blunder OP is working with here.  She wants to have a 3 PM Catholic ceremony, so there is some day light left afterwards for pictures.  And if then having a NYE reception, how long is THAT gap going to be!  She also wondered why Churches won't alter their set in stone weekly mass schedule to accommodate brides!  LOL!

I hope you aren't giving us Catholics a bad name by having a gap in between your ceremony and reception!  That is very rude!