Who attends the rehearsal dinner?

ahoywedding

FILs have offered to host the rehearsal dinner, which is awesome. FMIL was talking with my mom about it, and it seems they have differing ideas of who all should be invited. Traditionally, I've usually only gone to rehearsal dinners if I was in the WP, which is what my mom thought also. However, FMIL wanted to invite all OOT family. As much as I LOVE that idea, my mom and I don't want to significantly burden FILs, as my side of the family is about 60-70 people. 

It could be a cultural difference, as I grew up in the Midwest US and FI's family is from the Southern US. I know either way, WP and our immediate families need to be invited. Are there any other etiquette rules, or just as many people as FIL's budget will allow? Is it too...over the top...to invite all OOT family? I'm not sure that all of them would attend but as we're dispersed all over they might appreciate the extra time spent together.

charlotte989875

ahoywedding said:

FILs have offered to host the rehearsal dinner, which is awesome. FMIL was talking with my mom about it, and it seems they have differing ideas of who all should be invited. Traditionally, I've usually only gone to rehearsal dinners if I was in the WP, which is what my mom thought also. However, FMIL wanted to invite all OOT family. As much as I LOVE that idea, my mom and I don't want to significantly burden FILs, as my side of the family is about 60-70 people. 

It could be a cultural difference, as I grew up in the Midwest US and FI's family is from the Southern US. I know either way, WP and our immediate families need to be invited. Are there any other etiquette rules, or just as many people as FIL's budget will allow? Is it too...over the top...to invite all OOT family? I'm not sure that all of them would attend but as we're dispersed all over they might appreciate the extra time spent together.

Beyond including everyone needed for the rehearsal and their SO's any additional guests is up to the host. If your FILs want to invite all OOT family, and they're offering to pay for it all, that is perfectly fine. I've been to weddings where just the WP and SOs and invited, and others where all OOT guests were included. It really is the preference of the host. 

lnixon8

I'm assuming FMIL is asking for your help with the guest list right?

For my RD the only out of town guests we invited were first cousins and aunts and uncles, and gradparents. So people we see regularly (plus WP and SO's, and immediate family of course).

I know its an invitation and not a summons but I think some distant out of town relatives that you're not super close with might feel obligated to get another hotel room, leave work early etc. I was really happy that my rehearsal dinner was smaller (25 ish people) because those people are who I'm closest to and I felt a little strained to talk to everyone (212 people) at the wedding the next night.

ahoywedding

@lnixon8, yep, she had asked me who I wanted to invite. After I mentioned just WP (and significant others), she asked about OOT family. She has been aware that I have a large family (only including aunts, uncles, first cousins) and is comfortable with that size guest list. You bring up a very good point about people feeling pressured to come in the night before, but realistically they probably will anyway, as most of them have to fly in, or they're like a 6-7 hour drive. 

I guess my point is, if FMIL is comfortable with a larger guest list, I think it would be awesome to have both families get to know each other the night before the wedding. I just want to make sure we're not...taking advantage...of them in any way (can't find better words).

charlotte989875

ahoywedding said:

@lnixon8, yep, she had asked me who I wanted to invite. After I mentioned just WP (and significant others), she asked about OOT family. She has been aware that I have a large family (only including aunts, uncles, first cousins) and is comfortable with that size guest list. You bring up a very good point about people feeling pressured to come in the night before, but realistically they probably will anyway, as most of them have to fly in, or they're like a 6-7 hour drive. 

I guess my point is, if FMIL is comfortable with a larger guest list, I think it would be awesome to have both families get to know each other the night before the wedding. I just want to make sure we're not...taking advantage...of them in any way (can't find better words).

Nope, if they offered knowing the size of the OOT guest list then you're welcome to accept without feeling guilty about it. It's a generous offer!

On the "feeling obligated" thing, I actually disagree with this. I think that you invite people if you truly want them there, and let the decide if they can/want to attend. By not inviting them because you (general you) think they might feel pressured then you're essentially making that choice for them. 

SP29

charlotte989875 said:

ahoywedding said:

@lnixon8, yep, she had asked me who I wanted to invite. After I mentioned just WP (and significant others), she asked about OOT family. She has been aware that I have a large family (only including aunts, uncles, first cousins) and is comfortable with that size guest list. You bring up a very good point about people feeling pressured to come in the night before, but realistically they probably will anyway, as most of them have to fly in, or they're like a 6-7 hour drive. 

I guess my point is, if FMIL is comfortable with a larger guest list, I think it would be awesome to have both families get to know each other the night before the wedding. I just want to make sure we're not...taking advantage...of them in any way (can't find better words).

Nope, if they offered knowing the size of the OOT guest list then you're welcome to accept without feeling guilty about it. It's a generous offer!

On the "feeling obligated" thing, I actually disagree with this. I think that you invite people if you truly want them there, and let the decide if they can/want to attend. By not inviting them because you (general you) think they might feel pressured then you're essentially making that choice for them. 

Agree with all the above.

You have made it clear your only expectation is WP + SOs, FILs have offered to host OOT guests, so have asked for a list. It is their offer to make.

I agree that if you want to invite someone to an event, invite them and let them make the decision- don't make it for them.

ahoywedding

Thanks everyone! I think my mom & I were thrown off because we had never seen things done like that before, but if FILs really want to host everyone, I can be comfortable with that! We haven't sent out invites yet or anything of course & no one besides my mom and FI know this is what FMIL would like to do.