So. . . . . we were right

kaos16

How many times do we see posts in "Etiquette" where a special snowflake pulls the "but none of my friends care. . . . they all said it was a great idea" in response to truly dreadful ideas? 

Dear, dear friends of myself and DH are currently planning a wedding.  They have mentioned a destination wedding without a real marriage occurring, and then signing the paperwork later.  They have also mentioned an informal wedding stateside where they would put out some chairs for the elderly, but everyone else would stand because it would be quick.  I just smile and nod because I love them both and don't have the heart to tell them their ideas are sucky and rude, but on the inside I'm cringing.

So, we were right. . . . your friends think your ideas are terrible, but feel bad telling you.  That's why we are here to set your straight and make their experience at your wedding more comfortable and pleasant!  You're welcome!

ei34

If I'm really close to someone I let them know if they have a plan that's heinous.  My sister, who's my best friend, had one or two ideas that would've gone against etiquette, and I had no problem telling her. (And she changed her plans.)  A random coworker or a fb friend- I'm not saying anything unless I'm asked.  Someone I'm close to, I'll speak up.  

SP29

eileenrob said:

If I'm really close to someone I let them know if they have a plan that's heinous.  My sister, who's my best friend, had one or two ideas that would've gone against etiquette, and I had no problem telling her. (And she changed her plans.)  A random coworker or a fb friend- I'm not saying anything unless I'm asked.  Someone I'm close to, I'll speak up.  

Agreed. Depends on the relationship. Or I try to gently steer them toward another direction, "If you don't want to have ceremony chairs, why not have guests sit in their reception seats and have the ceremony in the same location? That would save you a bunch of money!!".

photokitty

Regardless of who they are, if they feel close enough to tell me, unprompted, about their wedding plans, then I feel close enough to gently tell them if what they are planning is rude. I figure if you brought it up, you must want my advice, otherwise why are you discussing it with me when I didn't bring it up. 

The only time I refrain is when it's a gap and the invites have already been sent. Nothing I can do to help your guests at that point, they'll just have to suffer for your vision.

PrettyGirlLost

eileenrob said:

If I'm really close to someone I let them know if they have a plan that's heinous.  My sister, who's my best friend, had one or two ideas that would've gone against etiquette, and I had no problem telling her. (And she changed her plans.)  A random coworker or a fb friend- I'm not saying anything unless I'm asked.  Someone I'm close to, I'll speak up.  

This.  We can't stop the madness if we just grin and bear it.

We can't educate people if we keep our mouths shut.

MobKaz

kaos16 said:

How many times do we see posts in "Etiquette" where a special snowflake pulls the "but none of my friends care. . . . they all said it was a great idea" in response to truly dreadful ideas? 

Dear, dear friends of myself and DH are currently planning a wedding.  They have mentioned a destination wedding without a real marriage occurring, and then signing the paperwork later.  They have also mentioned an informal wedding stateside where they would put out some chairs for the elderly, but everyone else would stand because it would be quick.  I just smile and nod because I love them both and don't have the heart to tell them their ideas are sucky and rude, but on the inside I'm cringing.

So, we were right. . . . your friends think your ideas are terrible, but feel bad telling you.  That's why we are here to set your straight and make their experience at your wedding more comfortable and pleasant!  You're welcome!

If it is truly a dear friend, I feel compelled to tell them that their ideas are not appropriate.  In this case, since the wedding has not occurred and the plans are fluid, I would absolutely share my thoughts with them.  The cycle will continue if someone does not speak up.  I don't understand why people have difficulty being honest with loved ones.

I was invited to a wedding with a huge gap.  It was "local" in the sense that the wedding was in the city and I live in the suburbs.  However, it was too far to drive back and forth.  I declined the invitation.  The bride actually called to ask why I was not attending.  I told her exactly why.  Her response?  "Well, that's how my sister did it, so......."

Maybe if someone had voiced an opinion then, this bride would have had a chance to consider other options.

CMGragain

Sometimes it helps to word your objection as a question.
"Oh, really!  Interesting.  How do you think your guests will feel if they find out that this isn't your legal wedding?"
"Gee, do you think that the people who are standing up will mind?"
"Oh, wow!  But, I am confused.  When are you really going to be married?"

YogaSandy

MobKaz said:

kaos16 said:

How many times do we see posts in "Etiquette" where a special snowflake pulls the "but none of my friends care. . . . they all said it was a great idea" in response to truly dreadful ideas? 

Dear, dear friends of myself and DH are currently planning a wedding.  They have mentioned a destination wedding without a real marriage occurring, and then signing the paperwork later.  They have also mentioned an informal wedding stateside where they would put out some chairs for the elderly, but everyone else would stand because it would be quick.  I just smile and nod because I love them both and don't have the heart to tell them their ideas are sucky and rude, but on the inside I'm cringing.

So, we were right. . . . your friends think your ideas are terrible, but feel bad telling you.  That's why we are here to set your straight and make their experience at your wedding more comfortable and pleasant!  You're welcome!

If it is truly a dear friend, I feel compelled to tell them that their ideas are not appropriate.  In this case, since the wedding has not occurred and the plans are fluid, I would absolutely share my thoughts with them.  The cycle will continue if someone does not speak up.  I don't understand why people have difficulty being honest with loved ones.

I was invited to a wedding with a huge gap.  It was "local" in the sense that the wedding was in the city and I live in the suburbs.  However, it was too far to drive back and forth.  I declined the invitation.  The bride actually called to ask why I was not attending.  I told her exactly why.  Her response?  "Well, that's how my sister did it, so......."

Maybe if someone had voiced an opinion then, this bride would have had a chance to consider other options.

Exactly. I'll admit it. I had a gap. I was young when I got married (and it was 12.5 years ago) I had only been to one other wedding in my life. She had a gap. Many of the invitation websites' examples seemed to have gaps. I just thought that was how things were done. No one told me I shouldn't do it. I didn't know any different. Had someone explained to me why it is rude, I would have changed it. 

That being said, no one in my circle would have said it was rude - because every local (and two not local) weddings that I have been to since, have had gaps. I've only been to three that have not (and they were all after mine). During those weddings, I definitely thought the no gap was so much nicer and more convenient. 

ETA - I only mentioned it was 12.5 years ago, because I definitely wasn't on an etiquette form back then. Did TK even exist then?

OurWildKingdom

YogaSandy said:

MobKaz said:

kaos16 said:

How many times do we see posts in "Etiquette" where a special snowflake pulls the "but none of my friends care. . . . they all said it was a great idea" in response to truly dreadful ideas? 

Dear, dear friends of myself and DH are currently planning a wedding.  They have mentioned a destination wedding without a real marriage occurring, and then signing the paperwork later.  They have also mentioned an informal wedding stateside where they would put out some chairs for the elderly, but everyone else would stand because it would be quick.  I just smile and nod because I love them both and don't have the heart to tell them their ideas are sucky and rude, but on the inside I'm cringing.

So, we were right. . . . your friends think your ideas are terrible, but feel bad telling you.  That's why we are here to set your straight and make their experience at your wedding more comfortable and pleasant!  You're welcome!

If it is truly a dear friend, I feel compelled to tell them that their ideas are not appropriate.  In this case, since the wedding has not occurred and the plans are fluid, I would absolutely share my thoughts with them.  The cycle will continue if someone does not speak up.  I don't understand why people have difficulty being honest with loved ones.

I was invited to a wedding with a huge gap.  It was "local" in the sense that the wedding was in the city and I live in the suburbs.  However, it was too far to drive back and forth.  I declined the invitation.  The bride actually called to ask why I was not attending.  I told her exactly why.  Her response?  "Well, that's how my sister did it, so......."

Maybe if someone had voiced an opinion then, this bride would have had a chance to consider other options.

Exactly. I'll admit it. I had a gap. I was young when I got married (and it was 12.5 years ago) I had only been to one other wedding in my life. She had a gap. Many of the invitation websites' examples seemed to have gaps. I just thought that was how things were done. No one told me I shouldn't do it. I didn't know any different. Had someone explained to me why it is rude, I would have changed it. 

That being said, no one in my circle would have said it was rude - because every local (and two not local) weddings that I have been to since, have had gaps. I've only been to three that have not (and they were all after mine). During those weddings, I definitely thought the no gap was so much nicer and more convenient. 

ETA - I only mentioned it was 12.5 years ago, because I definitely wasn't on an etiquette form back then. Did TK even exist then?

It certainly did! It existed 15 years ago when my brother and SIL got married. I don't remember what my screenname was back then (I was a bridesmaid).

crowsgirl15

I have a coworker who had a PPD, and I brought it up to two of my friends during a work bitch session as sort of a snarky "I like her, even though she had a PPD, haha!", and one of my (single) friends got offended at my being snarky about it because "religious people don't see courthouse weddings as their 'real' wedding, and there could be reasons, like taxes, that people would get the marriage license before their religious wedding".

I made my point that there's never really a reason not to get the legal and religious marriages done on the same day, and it somehow ended with her being pissed at me for being judgy about this.

So...I probably wouldn't bring up the rudeness of someone's PPD plans in the future. Apparently some people think it's so ok that I end up looking bad for having an issue with it.

MobKaz

crowsgirl15 said:

I have a coworker who had a PPD, and I brought it up to two of my friends during a work bitch session as sort of a snarky "I like her, even though she had a PPD, haha!", and one of my (single) friends got offended at my being snarky about it because "religious people don't see courthouse weddings as their 'real' wedding, and there could be reasons, like taxes, that people would get the marriage license before their religious wedding".

I made my point that there's never really a reason not to get the legal and religious marriages done on the same day, and it somehow ended with her being pissed at me for being judgy about this.

So...I probably wouldn't bring up the rudeness of someone's PPD plans in the future. Apparently some people think it's so ok that I end up looking bad for having an issue with it.

I would continue to voice my opinion.  It's one point of view.  The unfortunate component in your example is that you shared your opinion with someone that is not capable of having a reasonable discussion. If this co-worker can make sweeping generalizations about "religious people" and how they view courthouse weddings, then you are certainly in the right to voice your view.

lovesclimbing

crowsgirl15 said:

I have a coworker who had a PPD, and I brought it up to two of my friends during a work bitch session as sort of a snarky "I like her, even though she had a PPD, haha!", and one of my (single) friends got offended at my being snarky about it because "religious people don't see courthouse weddings as their 'real' wedding, and there could be reasons, like taxes, that people would get the marriage license before their religious wedding".

I made my point that there's never really a reason not to get the legal and religious marriages done on the same day, and it somehow ended with her being pissed at me for being judgy about this.

So...I probably wouldn't bring up the rudeness of someone's PPD plans in the future. Apparently some people think it's so ok that I end up looking bad for having an issue with it.

This is so silly and wrong. I'd argue most religious people would view a courthouse wedding as a real wedding. The only sect that I know of that doesn't is Catholics (maybe Mormons as well?) and technically, even they consider a courthouse marriage a real one. If they didn't, they wouldn't require people who have been married civilly previously to get an annulment If they want to get married again and be in compliance with church requirements. 

ILoveBeachMusic

lovesclimbing said:

crowsgirl15 said:

I have a coworker who had a PPD, and I brought it up to two of my friends during a work bitch session as sort of a snarky "I like her, even though she had a PPD, haha!", and one of my (single) friends got offended at my being snarky about it because "religious people don't see courthouse weddings as their 'real' wedding, and there could be reasons, like taxes, that people would get the marriage license before their religious wedding".

I made my point that there's never really a reason not to get the legal and religious marriages done on the same day, and it somehow ended with her being pissed at me for being judgy about this.

So...I probably wouldn't bring up the rudeness of someone's PPD plans in the future. Apparently some people think it's so ok that I end up looking bad for having an issue with it.

This is so silly and wrong. I'd argue most religious people would view a courthouse wedding as a real wedding. The only sect that I know of that doesn't is Catholics (maybe Mormons as well?) and technically, even they consider a courthouse marriage a real one. If they didn't, they wouldn't require people who have been married civilly previously to get an annulment If they want to get married again and be in compliance with church requirements. 

Yep, Catholics do consider a courthouse wedding a legal marriage just not one sanctified by the church. 

CMGragain

Except for Episcopalians, protestant Christians do not view a marriage ceremony as a sacrament.  It is a legal contract between two people, and the religious ceremony simply asks God's blessing on their union. Protestants generally recognize two sacraments: baptism and communion.  Some churches also recognize confirmation as a sacrament.

I would be highly insulted if someone made such a sweeping generalization about "religious people".  I am religious, and I do not know anyone who thinks that a courthouse marriage isn't a "real wedding".