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Heya how is everyone? Just seeing if anyone is going through what I am. This is my second wedding (first didn't last long at all for many reasons) but its his first. I really don't want to go through all the bells and whistles like my first wedding (bridal showers and being given away, all the special dances etc.) I just want a sweet little ceremony and a big celebration of our love.  I honestly had a plan to have it be  a Halloween party that ended up being a surprise wedding but He didn't want that.  We are going to have maybe 50 people there and 8 of them are children (6 of them being 4yrs old and under).  I wanted it to be more about the family and friends-- those that have always been there for us instead just about us. 


Another reason I don't want to go through the whole thing again is because I don't think my family would be very supportive of it. They are great with me getting married again but not about having all the big stuff.



what are your thoughts? I don't want to be selfish and I know that a wedding (and of course a marriage) is about him also. Most guys I know don't want the whole big thing but he keeps saying "I know this is your second time but its my first."  So that makes me think he wants a big shindig.  Is there a compromise or do I just do the big thing because he's never experienced it before?

If it makes any difference I'm 37 and he is 33.


Thanks

Jells2dot0

Welcome!

There is no right or wrong way to have a second wedding as long as you host your guests properly. Some second or third timers on here have had very traditional weddings, others have smaller courthouse weddings. It's all what the couple feels is best for them. 

That being said, I'm assuming you are paying for everything? He who pays, has a say. So, if your family is contributing, then they might have a say in what type of wedding you have. If they aren't paying, then pay no mind to the comments. Don't discuss your plans with them and do what you and your FI decide on.

It sounds like you FI does want a more traditional wedding, so why not compromise? Have a smaller wedding- maybe no more than 50. But, you can keep it simple yet have a reception- rent out a private room at a local restaurant or maybe a park. You don't have to have a wedding party, but if he wants one, then he can! You don't have to have the big poofy dress or do any tosses. You can also walk yourself down the aisle or maybe walk together. There are so many options, but the important part is to talk to your FI, compromise, and come up with a joint plan!!! 

CMGragain

PhoenixFyre7 said:

Heya how is everyone? Just seeing if anyone is going through what I am. This is my second wedding (first didn't last long at all for many reasons) but its his first. I really don't want to go through all the bells and whistles like my first wedding (bridal showers and being given away, all the special dances etc.) I just want a sweet little ceremony and a big celebration of our love.  I honestly had a plan to have it be  a Halloween party that ended up being a surprise wedding but He didn't want that.  We are going to have maybe 50 people there and 8 of them are children (6 of them being 4yrs old and under).  I wanted it to be more about the family and friends-- those that have always been there for us instead just about us. 


Another reason I don't want to go through the whole thing again is because I don't think my family would be very supportive of it. They are great with me getting married again but not about having all the big stuff.



what are your thoughts? I don't want to be selfish and I know that a wedding (and of course a marriage) is about him also. Most guys I know don't want the whole big thing but he keeps saying "I know this is your second time but its my first."  So that makes me think he wants a big shindig.  Is there a compromise or do I just do the big thing because he's never experienced it before?

If it makes any difference I'm 37 and he is 33.


Thanks

You need to sit down and talk to him.  Ask him what part of your wedding is important to him.  Maybe he wants an open bar for his buddies?  Maybe he wants a religious ceremony?  Maybe he wants all his family and friends to be there.  Ask him.  My DH wanted a quick religious ceremony in a church, and then off to "happily ever after".  (Been married 40 years.)

There are a few rules that apply to second weddings.  One is that the bride is never "given away".  Really, lots of ladies don't do this the first time.  Feminism is changing a few of our traditions.

You can have the white wedding dress.  You can have whatever size a wedding you wish.  However, it is very rude to invite some people to the ceremony and then more people to your reception ("celebration").  Everyone must be invited to the entire event, not just part of it.  The only exception to this rule is if you have a private ceremony with immediate family ONLY!

Most people on The Knot have recently voiced the opinion that surprise weddings are a terrible idea, and that your guests won't be pleased about being deceived.  Please don't do this.

I am posting a good site for second wedding etiquette.  It has a lot of good information.  http://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/home/

I do like your ideas of simplicity.  Have that long talk with your FI!

CMGragain

I'm making this a separate post for easier reading:

Wedding styles:

Private ceremony.  This means the two of you, a marriage license, an officiant, and legal witnesses.  It can be in a courthouse, or anywhere.  It doesn't sound like this will please your FI.

Small afternoon ceremony followed by cake, coffee, punch, and maybe tea sandwiches.  This can be done anywhere, and it is easy to plan.  You may want a wedding dress. You will need chairs for your guests, and written invitations.  (Try Vistaprint.com to save money.)  Options are attendants, music, flowers.  This is very budget friendly.

Morning ceremony followed by brunch reception.  Everything above applies, but you will be serving a full meal to your guests.  The bacon and sausages were a big hit with the guys at my daughter's wedding.  Dancing is OK, too.  For a small guest list, try your local restaurants, especially if they have private party rooms.  This is family friendly, and costs much less than a full dinner reception.

Evening ceremony with full dinner reception.  This is the big deal, and it is expensive.  I think you are trying to avoid this.  It usually means alcohol in some form (though not necessarily).  The men may wear tuxedos.

As I posted earlier, find out what is important to your FI, and work together.

Options:  Picnic wedding in a park shelter with picnic food and sheet cake from the grocery store.  Beer and sodas in a cooler, if the park rules allow it. My sister did this.

Jells2dot0

CMGragain said:

PhoenixFyre7 said:

Heya how is everyone? Just seeing if anyone is going through what I am. This is my second wedding (first didn't last long at all for many reasons) but its his first. I really don't want to go through all the bells and whistles like my first wedding (bridal showers and being given away, all the special dances etc.) I just want a sweet little ceremony and a big celebration of our love.  I honestly had a plan to have it be  a Halloween party that ended up being a surprise wedding but He didn't want that.  We are going to have maybe 50 people there and 8 of them are children (6 of them being 4yrs old and under).  I wanted it to be more about the family and friends-- those that have always been there for us instead just about us. 


Another reason I don't want to go through the whole thing again is because I don't think my family would be very supportive of it. They are great with me getting married again but not about having all the big stuff.



what are your thoughts? I don't want to be selfish and I know that a wedding (and of course a marriage) is about him also. Most guys I know don't want the whole big thing but he keeps saying "I know this is your second time but its my first."  So that makes me think he wants a big shindig.  Is there a compromise or do I just do the big thing because he's never experienced it before?

If it makes any difference I'm 37 and he is 33.


Thanks

I am posting a good site for second wedding etiquette.  It has a lot of good information.  http://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/home/

this site is AWESOME!!!

climbingsingle

Do what feels right. Talk to your FI about the kind of wedding he wants. 

I recently got married for the second time. My first wedding was 10 years prior. It was my husband's first wedding. I also didn't want another shower, even though my MIL really wanted to throw me one. To me, it didn't feel right. I didn't want a big bridal party again, so I chose to have just a MOH. 

When I first started planning, I was worried what people would think, this being my second wedding. I have friends that haven't even been married once, and here I am planning wedding# 2. I was so concerned with everyone else's perception of me. Eventually I realized I was being ridiculous. Just because I was married once before doesn't mean I shouldn't be excited/happy about this one. I was finally marrying my person. So, I wore a big, white dress. We picked a fabulous venue, and invited all the people we wanted. We did a first dance, and we both danced with our parents. I chose to not do a cake cutting our bouquet toss, because I honestly can't stand them. 

So, plan what you want! Have fun! 

[Deleted User]

I appreciate all the help! We are keeping it to the 50 people. He and I with help from his parents are paying for it. My parents and myself (no financial help what so ever from my then fiance or his family) paid for my first wedding about 50/50 so my parents aren't helping at all this time.   We are still discussing the little things as we go along but I think a sit down with his parents (and his siblings as they are all very close) and ourselves will help us guide what is going on. 

Thanks!!!

CMGragain

Keep in touch!  We will be happy to help you with any questions.