Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to say "no kids" on wedding website?

edited September 2016 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We are having a small wedding, and are not able to accommodate children. The venue is meant for 75, but can accommodate up to 100. We do not have children in the wedding party. However, due to the limited capacity of our venue, we won't be able to accommodate children because that would put us well over the capacity if everyone brought their kids. This is purely a capacity issue, not budget or because we don't want children there (our preference is that they not be there, but if the venue had space we wouldn't mind). Is it appropriate to put something like this on our wedding website:

"Due to the limited capacity of our venue, we are not able to accommodate children at the Ceremony or Reception. We thank you for your understanding and hope arrangements can be made that allow you to still attend our big day. Please contact us with any questions!"

Thoughts? 
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Re: How to say "no kids" on wedding website?

  • MeetTheLarasMeetTheLaras member
    100 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper First Answer
    edited September 2016
    We are having a small wedding, and are not able to accommodate children. The venue is meant for 75, but can accommodate up to 100. We have slightly over 100 on our adults-only guest list, knowing that several will not be able to make it. We do not have children in the wedding party. However, due to the limited capacity of our venue, we won't be able to accommodate children because that would put us well over the capacity if everyone brought their kids (primarily family). This is purely a capacity issue, not budget or because we don't want children there (our preference is that they not be there, but if the venue had space we wouldn't mind). Is it appropriate to put something like this on our wedding website:

    "Due to the limited capacity of our venue, we are not able to accommodate children at the Ceremony or Reception. We thank you for your understanding and hope arrangements can be made that allow you to still attend our big day. Please contact us with any questions!"

    Thoughts? 

    I personally think that message is fine. I wouldn't have any problems seeing a message like that. 

    I will say though, not many people that I invited looked at the website. So, be prepared to spread the word to family and friends as well. Usually, if the invitations are addressed correctly, most people should know whether or not their children are invited.

    As for your guest list.. you should be careful inviting over the limit. I gave in to my FI's family, and there were several people we invited because we felt obligated, but we didn't expect them to attend (family living out of the country). It was something we were told we had to do to be polite. Surprisingly, they are attending! Which is exciting, since I haven't met them yet. But if we had been over our limit, it could have been a problem. Just be careful with that situation. 
  • Nope, invites haven't been sent yet (wedding isn't until August 2017). I'm aware of the etiquette that only those on the invite/envelope are invited, but I know that not everyone knows this and some may still assume their children are invite when they are not. I feel rude stating on the invite "no children" but want to make sure it is available somewhere. 

    I always stalk check out people's wedding websites so I could totally be over-estimating how many people will look :)

    I'm wary of over-inviting but I think it is few enough (maybe 8-10 over) that if we get the unlikely 100% attendance we'll be ok, but we do expect at least 10% won't make it. Especially if they can't bring their kids.
    kmcknight15
  • kylexokylexo Finger Lakes, NY member
    500 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Nope, invites haven't been sent yet (wedding isn't until August 2017). I'm aware of the etiquette that only those on the invite/envelope are invited, but I know that not everyone knows this and some may still assume their children are invite when they are not. I feel rude stating on the invite "no children" but want to make sure it is available somewhere. 

    I always stalk check out people's wedding websites so I could totally be over-estimating how many people will look :)

    I'm wary of over-inviting but I think it is few enough (maybe 8-10 over) that if we get the unlikely 100% attendance we'll be ok, but we do expect at least 10% won't make it. Especially if they can't bring their kids.
    How are your RSVPs being handled? That's a great way to reiterate that kids aren't invited without putting a what lots of people would consider rude disclaimer on the website. If paper RSVP cards, have  a line that says ___ seats have been reserved in your honor and fill in the blank for each invite. If online invites, appycouple will prompt you to RSVP for each member of your party from a list created by the couple, so it's impossible to RSVP for lil Johnny cause he wasn't invited on either the invitation or RSVP.
    SP29
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    "if" I check out a website, it's only once.  So if you do any updates then I would definitely miss them.  I'm going to a wedding next week and I still haven't looked at their website.  


    My family is use to no kids, so they go by who is on the invite.  Still then I casually slipped the information to the big mouths of the families that kids would not be invited.  Those big mouths passed on the information.   By the time the invites went out pretty much everyone knew already. 

    Every family/group has a big mouth.  Aunt G on my mom's side, MIL on DH's side.    Word of mouth early on is a good way to pass on the message. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • I had a kid-free wedding. The only etiquette approved way to do this is to simply not invite them - i.e. don't put their names on the invitation. My family also spread the news via word of mouth before invites went out. 

    You can also put #s on your RSVP cards like:

    "We have reserved _2_ seats in your honor..."
    "___ of _2_ guests will attend"
    "We look forward to celebrating with you!
    ___number of guests attending
    ___decline"
    "Please write each guest's name by their menu choice"

    Then you just follow up with anyone who adds their kids and tell them "I'm sorry, but we can't accommodate children. We hope to see you there!"

     ETA But it is against etiquette to note who's NOT invited on your invitations. So any wording about kids not being invited or "adults only" is against etiquette.
    I agree it shouldn't be on the invitation (which I don't think OP was planning  on doing.. I hope). But I suppose I'm way more relaxed when it comes to the website. May or may not be theoretically correct, but I wouldn't side-eye that message on a website. But I suppose some may. So it looks like the best option would probably be a combination of RSVP cards and word of mouth. Best to not offend when possible. 
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    If you really wanted the children there, why didn't you choose a venue that could accommodate them? Also, you say the venue limit is 100, but you invited over that number hoping some won't show up, then say but it's okay if they do, they'll fit. What's the true limit for the venue? I'm confused.
    PrettyGirlLostHeffalumpInLoveInQueensSP29
  • levioosa said:
    PPs have covered the no kids thing.  I want to touch on the over inviting part.  This is a bad plan.  If your venue does not fit your guest list, it is not the perfect venue.  I have been in two weddings now where the bride figured she wouldn't get 100% attendance because it was a DW/high number of out of town guests.  Everyone came.  It was cramped and miserable.  The fact that your venue is meant for 75 but "can fit" 100 means it will be cramped, miserable, and you won't have much of a dance floor.  I also hope you are counting you, FI, and your vendors in that number.  
    ^ This. It's early on in your planning, and it's the perfect time to trim. Trust me, you don't want to be freaking out a month before when you're way over the comfortable amount. And if you're anything like me, you'll realize you forgot a few really important people days before the invites go out. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • kylexo said:
    How are your RSVPs being handled? That's a great way to reiterate that kids aren't invited without putting a what lots of people would consider rude disclaimer on the website. If paper RSVP cards, have  a line that says ___ seats have been reserved in your honor and fill in the blank for each invite. If online invites, appycouple will prompt you to RSVP for each member of your party from a list created by the couple, so it's impossible to RSVP for lil Johnny cause he wasn't invited on either the invitation or RSVP.
    We're doing paper invites since not everyone (some of our older family members) has an email address or is web-savvy. Is there a less formal way to say "____ seats have been reserved in your honor"? 
  • levioosa said:
    PPs have covered the no kids thing.  I want to touch on the over inviting part.  This is a bad plan.  If your venue does not fit your guest list, it is not the perfect venue.  I have been in two weddings now where the bride figured she wouldn't get 100% attendance because it was a DW/high number of out of town guests.  Everyone came.  It was cramped and miserable.  The fact that your venue is meant for 75 but "can fit" 100 means it will be cramped, miserable, and you won't have much of a dance floor.  I also hope you are counting you, FI, and your vendors in that number.  
    This. If the venue is meant for 75, it will be SUPER cramped with 100, let alone 110 people. Also, there is a good chance that fire code dictates a hard limit on the number of people in the venue. If that number is 100 (which it sounds like it probably is), that would include you and your FI, venue staff, and vendors. I highly recommend checking with your venue on this. In the event that you do get 100% attendance (it happens more than you think), you really, really should not assume that 8-10 extra people won't be an issue. Fire codes are strict; they will kick people out. And it would mean kicking out more than those 8-10, since you need to factor in vendors and venue staff as well.

    You really should rethink your numbers. Just because the venue "can" fit 100 people doesn't mean it will be comfortable. Were you planning on having a dance floor? Because cramming an extra 25 people into the space probably means getting rid of the dance floor.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    PrettyGirlLostDrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueens
  • Listen to the others about 100+ adults.

    As for the message I would not mention limted capacity. Someone that will ignore the fact that kids names are not on invites may be the person that think becasue they know Aunt Sue and her husband will be in Europe, then "of course Maddisyn and Houstyn can take their seats!"


    SP29
  • lnixon8 said:
    Listen to the others about 100+ adults.

    As for the message I would not mention limted capacity. Someone that will ignore the fact that kids names are not on invites may be the person that think becasue they know Aunt Sue and her husband will be in Europe, then "of course Maddisyn and Houstyn can take their seats!"
    Thanks for the advice everyone! We have not even sent out save the dates yet so we have some time to shave down our guest list a little bit to get to the 100 mark. 100 is the seating capacity for dinner (98 guests, plus us). They know vendors, waitstaff, etc will be in the room as well! 
    ei34
  • lnixon8 said:
    Listen to the others about 100+ adults.

    As for the message I would not mention limted capacity. Someone that will ignore the fact that kids names are not on invites may be the person that think becasue they know Aunt Sue and her husband will be in Europe, then "of course Maddisyn and Houstyn can take their seats!"
    Thanks for the advice everyone! We have not even sent out save the dates yet so we have some time to shave down our guest list a little bit to get to the 100 mark. 100 is the seating capacity for dinner (98 guests, plus us). They know vendors, waitstaff, etc will be in the room as well! 
    You need to include the number of people in your vendors as people in that 100 limit though. So you, FI, 1 photographer, 1 officiant....etc. Then the seats you have left are the number of guests you can invite. 
    image
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • justsie said:
    You need to include the number of people in your vendors as people in that 100 limit though. So you, FI, 1 photographer, 1 officiant....etc. Then the seats you have left are the number of guests you can invite. 
    Our officiant will be a friend that we are inviting to the wedding anyway. I've counted myself and FI. For the photographer(s?) and DJ, can they sit outside of the room? It seems weird to place those strangers with our friends and family. The venue has some tables in the area where we will be having the cocktail hour. Couldn't they just sit there. It is just the 'ballroom' where dinner is being served that has the capacity, not the whole building. So I feel like those vendors could sit outside the room (still at a table) and eat there. Yes? There's a chance some professional photographer family members would do photos so we may only have the DJ to worry about as an 'extra'. 
  • The thing is, if you list # of seats, people could still say 2 are attending... without mentioning that they're leaving their spouse and bringing the kid. You could prefill the RSVPs:

    Mr. John Doe ___Accepts ___Declines
    Mrs. Jane Doe ___Accepts ___Declines

    (Okay, technically formal etiquette would be that she's Mrs. John Doe but I fucking hate that and know almost no married women that prefer to be identified by their husband's first AND last names)
    Good point. However, the issue is not that a child is present, it is that we can't invite Mr. & Mrs AND the child(ren) due to a low capacity. If a child takes the place of a parent, that's less of a problem because its a capacity issue not a child issue. 
  • The thing is, if you list # of seats, people could still say 2 are attending... without mentioning that they're leaving their spouse and bringing the kid. You could prefill the RSVPs:

    Mr. John Doe ___Accepts ___Declines
    Mrs. Jane Doe ___Accepts ___Declines

    (Okay, technically formal etiquette would be that she's Mrs. John Doe but I fucking hate that and know almost no married women that prefer to be identified by their husband's first AND last names)
    Good point. However, the issue is not that a child is present, it is that we can't invite Mr. & Mrs AND the child(ren) due to a low capacity. If a child takes the place of a parent, that's less of a problem because its a capacity issue not a child issue. 
    I'm confused now. Then you shouldn't be spreading the word that it's a no kid policy if that's not true. Imagine how upsetting it would be to be told kids are not invited, and then show up to see little Johnny because Daddy wanted to go golfing that day instead of attending the wedding. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • edited September 2016
    I'm confused now. Then you shouldn't be spreading the word that it's a no kid policy if that's not true. Imagine how upsetting it would be to be told kids are not invited, and then show up to see little Johnny because Daddy wanted to go golfing that day instead of attending the wedding. 
    What's confusing? Did you read my original post? We can't accommodate kids because it would put us over capacity. If we reserve 2 seats for people, we don't have space for them to RSVP with themselves PLUS their children.  As many people have said, not everyone understands the etiquette that only those on the invite are invited and some assume an invite to Mr. & Mrs. includes their family even if it is not stated. That's why no children. Do you have a better suggestion of how to word this more clearly? Or do you just want to have an attitude?
  • justsie said:
    You need to include the number of people in your vendors as people in that 100 limit though. So you, FI, 1 photographer, 1 officiant....etc. Then the seats you have left are the number of guests you can invite. 
    Our officiant will be a friend that we are inviting to the wedding anyway. I've counted myself and FI. For the photographer(s?) and DJ, can they sit outside of the room? It seems weird to place those strangers with our friends and family. The venue has some tables in the area where we will be having the cocktail hour. Couldn't they just sit there. It is just the 'ballroom' where dinner is being served that has the capacity, not the whole building. So I feel like those vendors could sit outside the room (still at a table) and eat there. Yes? There's a chance some professional photographer family members would do photos so we may only have the DJ to worry about as an 'extra'. 
    Seating the photographers and DJ outside of the room sounds weird at best and bad planning at worst. I'm going to assume the DJ won't need a seat at a table but will be sitting/eating at his equipment (that's what ours is doing). If he's outside then who is manning the music? And the photographers should definitely be in the room because they may still be taking photos etc. 
    Also, if you are this tight on space now, what if one of your single friends gets into a relationship? Based on some of my friends relationship history, they could not only be in a relationship by next August but already married as well. 
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • Ironring said:
    Seating the photographers and DJ outside of the room sounds weird at best and bad planning at worst. I'm going to assume the DJ won't need a seat at a table but will be sitting/eating at his equipment (that's what ours is doing). If he's outside then who is manning the music? And the photographers should definitely be in the room because they may still be taking photos etc. 
    Also, if you are this tight on space now, what if one of your single friends gets into a relationship? Based on some of my friends relationship history, they could not only be in a relationship by next August but already married as well. 
    We are already planning for single friends to have a plus one. :) Even if they don't take advantage of bringing a guest, it felt weird not to give them the option. 
    [Deleted User]charlotte989875
  • OP - the problem is that telling people it's no kids causes resentment among guests who get sitters then see other people's kids and feel they've been treated differently.

    Your wedding is not a "no kids" wedding, it's a only two people per person invite wedding which is not the same thing
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueensSP29redoryx
  • kylexokylexo Finger Lakes, NY member
    500 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I'm confused now. Then you shouldn't be spreading the word that it's a no kid policy if that's not true. Imagine how upsetting it would be to be told kids are not invited, and then show up to see little Johnny because Daddy wanted to go golfing that day instead of attending the wedding. 
    What's confusing? Did you read my original post? We can't accommodate kids because it would put us over capacity. If we reserve 2 seats for people, we don't have space for them to RSVP with themselves PLUS their children.  As many people have said, not everyone understands the etiquette that only those on the invite are invited and some assume an invite to Mr. & Mrs. includes their family even if it is not stated. That's why no children. Do you have a better suggestion of how to word this more clearly? Or do you just want to have an attitude?
    i think you're underestimating people here. we invited 150 guests, with no kids expect for my niece and nephews (who we are super close with and were in the wedding). no one brought their kids besides my sister and one of DHs Aunts who called us up when she got the invite and said she'd love to make it but wouldn't be able to get childcare and couldn't come unless her kids could, so we made an exception for them. most people understand how to read an invite and PPs about telling the family loudmouth that kids aren't invited is good advice too.
    ILoveBeachMusicSP29
  • I'm confused now. Then you shouldn't be spreading the word that it's a no kid policy if that's not true. Imagine how upsetting it would be to be told kids are not invited, and then show up to see little Johnny because Daddy wanted to go golfing that day instead of attending the wedding. 
    What's confusing? Did you read my original post? We can't accommodate kids because it would put us over capacity. If we reserve 2 seats for people, we don't have space for them to RSVP with themselves PLUS their children.  As many people have said, not everyone understands the etiquette that only those on the invite are invited and some assume an invite to Mr. & Mrs. includes their family even if it is not stated. That's why no children. Do you have a better suggestion of how to word this more clearly? Or do you just want to have an attitude?
    Hahahahaha. Your sass doesn't make it make anymore sense to me. If you're going to tell people not bring children, but then be okay if a guest decides to bring his or her child instead of his or her SO.. that doesn't make sense and I'd imagine it will upset those people who left their children at home. 

    If you're going to do the no kids route, you really have to do the no kids route.
    DrillSergeantCatgeebee908InLoveInQueens
  • Heffalump said:
    I'm confused now. Then you shouldn't be spreading the word that it's a no kid policy if that's not true. Imagine how upsetting it would be to be told kids are not invited, and then show up to see little Johnny because Daddy wanted to go golfing that day instead of attending the wedding. 
    What's confusing? Did you read my original post? We can't accommodate kids because it would put us over capacity. If we reserve 2 seats for people, we don't have space for them to RSVP with themselves PLUS their children.  As many people have said, not everyone understands the etiquette that only those on the invite are invited and some assume an invite to Mr. & Mrs. includes their family even if it is not stated. That's why no children. Do you have a better suggestion of how to word this more clearly? Or do you just want to have an attitude?
    That escalated quickly.
    Yeah... also pretty sure I wasn't the first to say I'm confused. But ooookay. 
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    What's confusing? Did you read my original post? We can't accommodate kids because it would put us over capacity. If we reserve 2 seats for people, we don't have space for them to RSVP with themselves PLUS their children.  As many people have said, not everyone understands the etiquette that only those on the invite are invited and some assume an invite to Mr. & Mrs. includes their family even if it is not stated. That's why no children. Do you have a better suggestion of how to word this more clearly? Or do you just want to have an attitude?

    InLoveInQueensSP29ThisShamanluvsaMage
  • Stuck in the box...


    OP, the issue is because at first you said it was no kids but now you're saying people can do a tradesies on the invitations and kids are fine. These are two different things. Most invitations are for Mr and Mrs X. But you are saying above that your invitations are for any two people in the X family. See the difference? Hence the confusion. If you are going to go that route, you can't say "no kids" because that's not true. You would need to just be firm in the numbers that people respond back. 
    MeetTheLarasSP29MesmrEwe
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