Stressing about inappropriate Groom's Maid: Rant and questions

Knottie1462142971

Taken down.

Knottie1462142971

ADDED: Is there a way for FI to have the boundary talk again, or remove her from the wedding party, and still salvage the friendship? He still loves her and considers her a best friend and great person but also sees the need for a serious boundaries talk regarding the wedding.

CMGragain

Knottie1462142971 said:

When we got engaged my fiance asked one of his best female friends (who we lived with at the time, we got engaged when I was 22 and he was 23 and we had roommates) to be his groom's maid (our wedding parties are mixed-gender). We got engaged very soon after moving in together, and I didn't know her very well prior to this. During the months following our engagement, she and my relationship grew very tense. She began making a lot of snarky comments toward me consistently to the extent that others would point it out and ask what was going on. Additionally, she and FI cuddled during a horror film. She initiated cuddling while I was upstairs changing into pjs so they were cuddling when I came downstairs. FI didn't think I would mind but afterwards he and I talked about it and I explained that I see that as crossing a boundary that makes me uncomfortable whereas he sees it as a platonic action similar to hugging, but he respects my boundaries and talked to her about not cuddling in the future because it makes me uncomfortable. She laughed in response and continued to text him asking him to cuddle and he would just not respond (and of course not cuddle). While growing increasingly rude toward me she grew increasingly physical toward him, hugging him from the back around the waist at times, slapping his ass, trying to sit in his lap (he edged away very smoothly), so he had another talk with her about boundaries. I talked to her privately about how it made me feel as well. She continued, doing different things each time so it wasn't necessarily the exact thing we discussed but clearly fell into the same category. We eventually decided to move out, which we were planning on doing soon to live with just each other before marriage but the decision was expedited due to discomfort with the living arrangement. She had been acting similarly toward another male friend, he was also getting uncomfortable with it, especially since her boyfriend was getting upset at her behavior as well. After she brought up that she thought her boyfriend was in the wrong for being upset my FI and I talked to her again, especially because FI wanted to keep the friendship because he valued it and thought making the boundaries very clear would help. After we moved out we didn't see her much at all before we moved states for a job opportunity. One of the last times we saw her she made a comment about how great his ass looked, which I thought was rude considering we've had so many conversations about boundaries, and if I were in her position I would be extra-considerate about my words. FI was very uncomfortable with the comment and her previous actions, he isn't at all a flirty guy. He didn't see the cuddling as inappropriate but respected that I did and he did see her later actions as increasingly inappropriate. FI feels like the conversations are working to some extent since she changes her actions a little after each talk, but I feel like she is just finding a way around the specifics of each talk. If you know somebody is uncomfortable with your actions you change the tone of your actions, not just find loopholes, right? 

FI was leaning towards asking her not to be in the wedding party anymore (I know many people on here are against removing somebody from the wedding party so I am sure this will be seen as drastic) but she has a history of vengeful actions, like successfully convincing a girl to pee in the mop bucket of a bar employee who continually thought her ID was fake so that he was mopping the floor with pee and so "the pee sloshed on his shoes when mopped" (her words), peeing in the closet of a guy who cheated on one of her sorority sisters, and putting exlax in her ex's food. I am worried that she will do something vengeful if she is removed from the wedding party. If we aren't removing her FI is going to have a very thorough conversation about wedding day boundaries because the wedding is not the day to look for loopholes or push buttons. 
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MAIN QUESTION: Is it completely inappropriate to lay out boundaries for the wedding day with the warning that if they are crossed she will be asked to leave? What is a way to lay out boundaries without motivating her to push buttons? Feel free to call me out if I'm being to centered on myself, I will be honest I know I'm being self-centered wanting as little stress as possible. Also, how much time will I spend with the wedding party? I adore every other groom's person but I don't want to spend most my day near her. 

Your problem is not that the lady's behavior is not appropriate.  (It isn't.)  Your problem is that your FI declines to stand up for you and your relationship.  He needs to tell her "Back off or the friendship is OVER!"  No more chances!  If he doesn't want to do this, you might think twice about marrying this man.

Your fears of her reprisals are a little over the top.  I would wait for the next outrageous act, and have FI tell her that she is not welcome at your wedding.  If she threatens, get a court order.

I had a second cousin who was an alcoholic.  When she was drunk (which was pretty much every evening) she would behave outrageously.  At a party, she sat in my husband's lap, kissed him on the lips, and put her hands where they didn't belong.  My husband simply stood up, dropped her on the floor and walked away in disgust.  She never tried it again - with him.

CMGragain

Knottie1462142971 said:

ADDED: Is there a way for FI to have the boundary talk again, or remove her from the wedding party, and still salvage the friendship? He still loves her and considers her a best friend and great person but also sees the need for a serious boundaries talk regarding the wedding.

No.  This is a part of your problem.  It isn't about your wedding at all.  It is about your husband's respect for your future marriage.  You sound like you both need pre-marriage counseling !  I strongly recommend that you stop planning your wedding and get to work on your relationship.  I think your FI wants to eat his cake and have it, too.

artbyallie

Yeah, I don't think this is a friendship you or he should want to salvage. If he ends the friendship, she'll be out of the wedding by default, and that's the route to take rather than kicking her out of the wedding.

SP29

Agreed that this is on your FI to deal with. Take the wedding out of it, and deal with the friendship (if they aren't friends, she won't be in the wedding).

A lot of inappropriate things are going on, but FI is the one who needs to but his foot down. "Friend, Knottie#s is my fiance and I will not have you being disrespectful to her. You don't have like her, but if you can't be civil then you can no longer be in my life". As for the physically inappropriate things that happen, FI needs to stop them right then and there. "Friend, it is not appropriate that you slapped my butt/ try to kiss me/ etc".

But how many times is FI going to have these conversations before enough is enough?

climbingsingle

Knottie1462142971 said:

ADDED: Is there a way for FI to have the boundary talk again, or remove her from the wedding party, and still salvage the friendship? He still loves her and considers her a best friend and great person but also sees the need for a serious boundaries talk regarding the wedding.

First, your most important problem is with your FI. This woman continually behaves in an inappropriate way and makes you uncomfortable. He's talked to her numerous times, and the behavior hasn't changed. If your FI respected you, he would no longer have this woman in his life. 

Also, someone that's a "best friend" wouldn't disrespect their friend's relationship like the way she is. That's not what a best friend does. And a "great person" is not someone who urinates in another person's closet and poisons someone's food for revenge. That's the behavior of a seriously immature and troubled person. 

OliveOilsMom

Thanks for quoting CMG, but I am going to disagree with you a bit.  OP's FI is trying to get this woman to understand boundaries, its just not sinking in and she is finding other ways to be in appropriate.  I do agree that in the moment, her FI needs to say - stop, this is inappropriate.

As for OP, I think its time to end the friendship.  You said that you moved farther away.  How far away are you?  Can you just ghost her, it might actually be better since she seems to be so vindictive.  She must have other issues going on for her to act this way.  At first it seems like jealously, but if she does this to another male friend and in front of her BF, I don't think that is the case. 

Is the wedding going to be close to where this woman lives?  Does she know all of the details?  Can your mutual friends keep the wedding information from her?  If so, end the friendship now.  "Friend, I feel like we are moving in two different directions.  While I appreciated our friendship in the past, I just cannot continue it any longer.  I wish you nothing but the best in the future."  No specific reasons need to be given if she questions why.  Ending the friendship will naturally end her being in the WP.

Then follow-up with your vendors, if she knows any of them.  Tell them all that only you and FI can make changes. (Long ago on TK, a poster canceled another posters vendors.  It was a huge thing!)  Also contact your venue and give them her picture, tell them she is to be asked to leave immediately and carefully watched until she leaves.

Are you also friends with her BF?  I'd be liable to end the friendship with him too.  If you continue to stay friends with him, it can become an awkward situation when you invite him to the wedding, but not his GF.  This is ok because the woman has flirted with and seemed to try and break you two up; which is one of the only reasons in which you do not have to invite a SO to a wedding.  I would also want to keep out of this woman's life as much as possible.

Vivandiere8

If this had happened in either direction to me or my husband leading up to our wedding I know we would have removed that person from the wedding party. This falls under consistently undermining your relationship, and such a person has no place in a wedding party.

That said I agree with previous posters in that this is bringing up a more serious issue about how far friends are allowed to push boundaries with out consequences etc. I think most of the time when one finds themselves wishing someone wasn't in their wedding party it means it's time for the friendship to end.

Good luck. Hope it all works out

CMGragain

I knew this one was going to try to delete.

southernbelle0915

OP, why would either you or your FI want to be friends with someone who makes you uncomfortable, doesn't respect your wishes, and doesn't change their behavior when they're told they're doing something that offends you? 

I can tell you right now that y'all aren't going to be friends with this person in 5 years,so you may as well cut the cord now.

Also, I'm sorry but wtf is your FI doing cuddling on the couch with her at all...let alone when you're in the house?! Oh it's a platonic thing? Does he cuddle with his dude friends? Probably not. I'm calling bullshit on that and the fact that he doesn't want to cut it off with this chick after everything she's done to you. You have an FI problem, honey. Fix it before you get married.

banana468

southernbelle0915 said:

OP, why would either you or your FI want to be friends with someone who makes you uncomfortable, doesn't respect your wishes, and doesn't change their behavior when they're told they're doing something that offends you? 

I can tell you right now that y'all aren't going to be friends with this person in 5 years,so you may as well cut the cord now.

Also, I'm sorry but wtf is your FI doing cuddling on the couch with her at all...let alone when you're in the house?! Oh it's a platonic thing? Does he cuddle with his dude friends? Probably not. I'm calling bullshit on that and the fact that he doesn't want to cut it off with this chick after everything she's done to you. You have an FI problem, honey. Fix it before you get married.

So much this.

Your FI sounds like he just doesn't understand what is and isn't OK behavior.   And if he doesn't understand what's acceptable behavior in himself that honestly doesn't speak of huge longevity potential.