I had a friend yesterday ask me if we would be offended if he didn't want to come to the wedding and only came to the reception. His excuse was - "I hate going to church and I might burst into flames if I walk in the door. Can I just come to your reception and eat and drink?" I told him that I wouldn't be offended (I don't get offended too easily) but that the whole purpose of a WEDDING RECEPTION is for FI and I to thank the people who came to celebrate our wedding with us. So...if he didn't come to the wedding then why are we thanking him by giving him free food and an open bar? He said we would be thanking him for giving us a gift.
I kind of see both sides? I honestly don't care if he doesn't come to the wedding, I won't even notice if he's not there and it's nothing that I would be upset about anyway. I guess it just got me thinking...the reception is where we get to see and spend time with our friends and family and if he (or anyone) hates the idea of spending at hour at church then so be it. However, I do know that *technically* the reception is to thank the wedding guests. But I also see what he's saying that if he decides to get us a gift, he wouldn't have to feel bad for not coming to the wedding itself right? So is the purpose of the reception to thank someone for celebrating our actual wedding with us? Or is it rude to only show up to the reception?
OP, here is your post and your question. You received many answers. Now you are having a hissy fit instead of thanking people for taking the trouble to advise you. You are welcome.
Some of the guests at my own wedding were conservative jews. I doubt they were comfortable in a Methodist Church, but they came to witness my ceremony because they cared about me. My daughter's wedding was also in a Methodist church, and most of her friends were not Christians, either. Some were Pagan, one was Jewish, and many were atheists. They came because they cared about both her and her FI, and wanted to witness the ceremony. You do not need to share religious beliefs with someone in order to join them as guests at their wedding ceremony. I think your friend is full of bullshit.
You also couldn't possibly know his rationale for feeling uncomfortable in a church. Maybe he was abused by a priest, maybe he belongs to a community the church is actively fighting against and demonising. You have no idea if something traumatic happened to this person. I think snapping to quick judgements is bullshit.
The point of this is a friend is trying not to make a fuss (and yes, make light of the situation) but is saying "I'm really uncomfortable in a Catholic Church". This is allegedly your friend. Maybe treat him like one and trust his judgement. If he says he is uncomfortable, you allegedly say you don't care and won't notice- act like it!
Dismissing them as disrespectful and not caring about you when they've tried to say "I'm really uncomfortable" is completely attention seeking and frankly, very unChristian.
I agree somewhat -- but I think there's a difference between saying "I'm not into church" and "I'm really uncomfortable in a house of worship for a specific denomination."
That said, I think a true friend can respect that being invited to attend someone's wedding at a house of worship doesn't equal being asked to convert to that religion or to agree with all its practices -- just to attend and keep one's own mouth shut about whatever differences one has with the religion in question for the short period of time that the ceremony will take place. Attending a wedding ceremony at, say, a Catholic church doesn't equal endorsing abuse of children by priests.
Look, all OP has done is whinge and moan about this 'friend' which makes me just think: why did you invite them? If they are constantly acting immature and disinterested, why did you expect them to change? Or is it just this one thing this one time?
Former? Let them go as a friend. Latter? Cut them some slack and let it go.
But if you say you don't care, act like it.
Hey, I told you that I agreed that this "friend" needs to keep his problem with not wanting to attend a ceremony at a church to himself if he's a true friend. But the OP can't disinvite him. All she can do is just let it go and hope he enjoys himself at the reception. He's being a jerk.
FWIW, I can't really remember who attended just the reception.
But what would miff me is if I was greeted with the attitude that the ceremony was a hassle in some way because it was in a church.
If a friend/family member didn't attend because of logistics it's no skin of my back. It's when I hear, "But I'm just not into church," that I roll my eyes.
Does that make sense?
I totally understand your point of view.
I'm not a fan of churches at all. And I grew up in Catholic churches.
These feelings are 100% mine and have nothing to do with the couple themselves. In no way do I feel the couple is creating a hassle for having a church wedding. I do not roll my eyes at church weddings at all. The ceremony is 100% about the couple and if that is what they want, I 100% support their choice.
That said, it doesn't mean I'm going to be comfortable. I suck it up and attend church weddings but it makes me very uncomfortable. Almost panic attack level. Even witnessing the joy in my friends/family faces never overrides how uncomfortable I feel in the church. I can't get out fast enough.
I understand why others do not understand how someone can have such strong feelings over a building and/or religion, but trust me these feelings are very real. But again have nothing to do with the couple themselves.
If I could get away with not attending a church wedding and go to the reception I would do it on a heartbeat. The people pleaser in me doesn't skip the ceremony in a church so I end up spending an hour+ being uncomfortable instead. I do not fault people who choose other wise.
That's interesting. Usually I hear others complaining about length of the service. Believe me I get it. And the priest that married us wouldn't STFU.
This is definitely a learning experience for me. I know I'll be a little softer in my stance.
I totally agree with @lyndausvi and I answered your questions previously. Receptions are two-fold 1) a thank you and 2) a party to celebrate your marriage.
I'm a brat because the majority of you are exhausting. You can't just come on here and ask a simple question without everyone taking it out of context and running with it. The majority of these boards spiral out of control. I asked a question expecting an answer to the question. Not an answer to some random thought somebody had after everybody played a game of Telephone with the original post. Apparently expecting an actual conversation about my actual topic makes me new to the internet. I give up. Not all of you but the vast majority are too much for me to handle. Wedding planning isn't a contact blood sport fyi. Sometimes it would be nice to be in a forum of people who don't dig and poke and prod until they feel better about themselves by belittling others. I would encourage everyone to just a step back and remember the point of all this. Stop making these posts a "who offended who better" competition. Guess what, you all win. I wish this site had been as fun and uplifting as it should have been. Have fun with your catty replies to this post BTW. It should hopefully feed your egos until the next post comes along for you to rip apart. I applaud you all for your stamina in snark. It's been a lovely learning experience, truly.
I answered your question, quite well. You are choosing to take things badly.
Here's the thing, not everyone wants to sit through an hour mass no matter how much they love you and if there is a gap between the ceremony and reception (not saying there is, just tossing out a scenario) I'm less inclined to go to the ceremony.
Be gracious. Say thank you, move on with your life. You are making things a bigger deal than anyone else has.
I'm a brat because the majority of you are exhausting. You can't just come on here and ask a simple question without everyone taking it out of context and running with it. The majority of these boards spiral out of control. I asked a question expecting an answer to the question. Not an answer to some random thought somebody had after everybody played a game of Telephone with the original post. Apparently expecting an actual conversation about my actual topic makes me new to the internet. I give up. Not all of you but the vast majority are too much for me to handle. Wedding planning isn't a contact blood sport fyi. Sometimes it would be nice to be in a forum of people who don't dig and poke and prod until they feel better about themselves by belittling others. I would encourage everyone to just a step back and remember the point of all this. Stop making these posts a "who offended who better" competition. Guess what, you all win. I wish this site had been as fun and uplifting as it should have been. Have fun with your catty replies to this post BTW. It should hopefully feed your egos until the next post comes along for you to rip apart. I applaud you all for your stamina in snark. It's been a lovely learning experience, truly.
Oh please. You have been overly dramatic this whole thread. You posted. You got responses to your post. If you can't handle a tame thread like this, then maybe the internet isn't for you.
I love weddings, but I'm pretty ready to tap out after 20-30 minutes. I'm not religious, so loooooong church-y weddings aren't any more meaningful to me than a nice short-and-sweet 10 minute ceremony. So I get where he is coming from, although I would still attend to be supportive.
However, contrary to how some people behave, there is no law that says you must speak out loud every goddamn thing you are thinking. He could have just quietly not attended the service if he didn't want to go. You probably wouldn't have noticed his absence anyway. But to point out to you that he is just going to show up for the "fun" part makes him an immature jerk. I think you would have every right to be hurt. But you also can't rescind the invite without being an even bigger jerk yourself.
Not even going to touch the bizarre and out-of-the-blue thread drama.
I love weddings, but I'm pretty ready to tap out after 20-30 minutes. I'm not religious, so loooooong church-y weddings aren't any more meaningful to me than a nice short-and-sweet 10 minute ceremony. So I get where he is coming from, although I would still attend to be supportive.
However, contrary to how some people behave, there is no law that says you must speak out loud every goddamn thing you are thinking. He could have just quietly not attended the service if he didn't want to go. You probably wouldn't have noticed his absence anyway. But to point out to you that he is just going to show up for the "fun" part makes him an immature jerk. I think you would have every right to be hurt. But you also can't rescind the invite without being an even bigger jerk yourself.
Not even going to touch the bizarre and out-of-the-blue thread drama.
This this this. Attend or don't attend for whatever reason you want. But being like, "well I'm not coming because I don't wannnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaa" is what makes him a jerk.
I love weddings, but I'm pretty ready to tap out after 20-30 minutes. I'm not religious, so loooooong church-y weddings aren't any more meaningful to me than a nice short-and-sweet 10 minute ceremony. So I get where he is coming from, although I would still attend to be supportive.
However, contrary to how some people behave, there is no law that says you must speak out loud every goddamn thing you are thinking. He could have just quietly not attended the service if he didn't want to go. You probably wouldn't have noticed his absence anyway. But to point out to you that he is just going to show up for the "fun" part makes him an immature jerk. I think you would have every right to be hurt. But you also can't rescind the invite without being an even bigger jerk yourself.
Not even going to touch the bizarre and out-of-the-blue thread drama.
This this this. Attend or don't attend for whatever reason you want. But being like, "well I'm not coming because I don't wannnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaa" is what makes him a jerk.
That's how I feel as well. He can skip the ceremony for whatever reason (though I'd probably feel a bit sad if a friend wasn't there if I even noticed) but the fact that he had to whine about it makes him the rude one. He could have just come to the reception only and OP probably wouldn't have noticed, but he had to make it a big deal. Unless there was a gap I wouldn't personally skip the ceremony but if I did I'd keep it to myself and not make a big to-do about it.
Re: Purpose of a Wedding Reception?
This is definitely a learning experience for me. I know I'll be a little softer in my stance.
Here's the thing, not everyone wants to sit through an hour mass no matter how much they love you and if there is a gap between the ceremony and reception (not saying there is, just tossing out a scenario) I'm less inclined to go to the ceremony.
Be gracious. Say thank you, move on with your life. You are making things a bigger deal than anyone else has.
Oh please. You have been overly dramatic this whole thread. You posted. You got responses to your post. If you can't handle a tame thread like this, then maybe the internet isn't for you.
I love weddings, but I'm pretty ready to tap out after 20-30 minutes. I'm not religious, so loooooong church-y weddings aren't any more meaningful to me than a nice short-and-sweet 10 minute ceremony. So I get where he is coming from, although I would still attend to be supportive.
However, contrary to how some people behave, there is no law that says you must speak out loud every goddamn thing you are thinking. He could have just quietly not attended the service if he didn't want to go. You probably wouldn't have noticed his absence anyway. But to point out to you that he is just going to show up for the "fun" part makes him an immature jerk. I think you would have every right to be hurt. But you also can't rescind the invite without being an even bigger jerk yourself.
Not even going to touch the bizarre and out-of-the-blue thread drama.
This this this. Attend or don't attend for whatever reason you want. But being like, "well I'm not coming because I don't wannnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaa" is what makes him a jerk.
That's how I feel as well. He can skip the ceremony for whatever reason (though I'd probably feel a bit sad if a friend wasn't there if I even noticed) but the fact that he had to whine about it makes him the rude one. He could have just come to the reception only and OP probably wouldn't have noticed, but he had to make it a big deal. Unless there was a gap I wouldn't personally skip the ceremony but if I did I'd keep it to myself and not make a big to-do about it.