ok, i guess i know the relationship
is over but i would love some feedback as i can’t figure out what went wrong/did i do something?
a friend got engaged last summer and married a month ago. though we lived 15 minutes from each other and work/school 1.5 blocks from each other deveyrday, we rarely saw each other. i went over about a week after her engagement, gave her a wedding planner and we watched a say yes o the dress marathon. this was august 2015.
right at the same time i started dating someone from my school program who just happened to live in her building. in the seven months they lived in the same building, despite numerous attempts on my part to get them to meet, she never would (they didn’t know each other at all). i tried planning something and i tried spontaneous texts, like when i would see her car home, etc. but after a couple months of her literally just not answering the texts i stopped.
in November she mailed me a birthday present. t was novelty ice cube tray that appeared to be regifted. we rarely exchanged birthday gifts and this was really out of character for her, but i was just gracious said thank you. first kind of weird thing…
also in November she made plans with me to go dress shopping in a city two hours away. i was super excited, she said i was the only BM she wanted to come and told me the first week of December on my off day would be probably be the date. the she called back a couple weeks later she had scheduled the appointment for the one day i literally could not leave the state (previously scheduled meeting, could not get it moved at all). i thought she might try to reschedule once she realized that but…nope, and before you say so, as far as i know this wasn’t a crazy upscale place that was booking out months in advance. and these were weekday appointments because both of our off days were doing the week. she posts a picture to Facebook after and she’s there with another friend who i’ve never heard of but turns out to be one of the bridesmaids (i find out six months later). shed made such a big deal about only wanting me there, i was sort of confused.
at Christmas she sends me a gift, too weird. It’s a $30 visa gift card with 6.95 activation fee (so basically, $24) from her and her fiancee. this was SO weird. we never talk about money but she obviously knows im still a student. i would never ask for or take money from her. but here she was, basically giving me $24 cash. it felt so weird, and maybe i was projecting some of my own feelings about working on this degree and not being able to spend like my friends that have already started their careers but man it just felt weird.
I got a huge job offer at this time that I was simply unable to take because of logistics, but I was really proud of myself and my potential future with this company at a later date. I share this with her and she scoffs about it. that felt sh*tty but again, trying not to project my own stuff. in the same convo she says her mother has decided to throw her bridal shower because she "just wants it to be nice.” idk, that felt like an insinuation i wouldn’t do a “nice” job.
i started to get pretty uncomfortable at that point. in january and February in the space of two weeks i found i needed dental surgery that insurance wouldn’t cover and huge tree branches fell on my car during a storm, the repairs for which my car insurance also wouldn’t cover. though my family was able to help me with both i still started to feel a little tight about cashflow and wasn’t sure i was going to be able to leave that stash i’d set aside for the wedding untouched. with all the weird vibes from her lately and simply not seeing her for six months despite our proximity i started to think about backing out. i let her know about the teeth and car and asked if she could start giving me some estimates on dress, etc. so i could see if i could still swing it. there had been NOTHING up until this point. she was leaving for vacation in a week or so and said she let me know after that. i really wanted to see her in person and kind of lay out what budgetary stuff looked like for me since she hadn’t asked what i could afford for the dress and i was uncomfortable texting about it but she didn’t have time to meet.
i think it ended up being more like a month. she never asked about budget but just sends a mass text to me and seven other recipients one day (no idea who they are at this point) with the dress. so from that text i find out the dress is about twice what i was figuring for price, im going to need to buy a strapless bra which was the one thing i asked for not to happen when she has me to be MOH, i’m a 28HH and strapless bras are insanely expensive and uncomfortable at that size, and oh the wedding party has now grown to 16 PEOPLE! this is no longer the mid-sized wedding i thought i was getting into.
i suck it up. at the same time my BF leaves for a months long project for school that has a 13-hour time difference and one of my other very good friends, who the bride doesn’t know, attempts suicide. i.e. i was in a pretty bad place in april/may, but i don’t say anything the few times i talk to the bride. just sharing this to point out that maybe i did do something unkind in my bad mood that i wasnt aware of.
i leave for a planned summer job out of state. this had been known for almost the whole time since she was engaged. it would be expensive for me to get tickets to constantly come back and forth for wedding stuff so i let her her know in advance that if her mom wanted help with the shower id be happy to help up to the day i leave. the shower ends up scheduled two weeks after i leave. but i still decide to go back. i really felt like it would be unkind to not go and i wanted to meet the seven other bridesmaids because at that point i was planning a bachelorette party in the location i was working for the summer (resort area). my family owns property there and said i could host the party. so besides a travel cost of about $50 each, these girls were going to get a weekend vacation for free in a really nice area. they seemed enthusiastic about it i let the bride know ahead of the shower so we could all discuss it there.
the shower was only the second time i had seen her since she got engaged a year before. at the shower i knew no one but tried to make the best of it. this was also only the third time i met her fiance despite them being together 3+ years at this point. just an all around uncomfortable day. i left a little early since the sister-in-law seemed all over stuff and there was little i could do to help.
the bachelorette is supposed to be about six weeks later. maybe four weeks before it as im trying to get a final head count so i can finish purchasing things like “last sail before the veil” shirts, etc (having already put out some money for things that i can’t return now because its past the date) the bride sends me a message that says “not enough people can come, i don’t think it will be much of a party.” i had opened my doors to the bridesmaids, groomsmen, and her work friends. i knew exactly 0 of them except for meeting at the shower, but was doing my best to communicate online and everyone seemed excited about this. but i wasnt going to fight it.
this is where i think things went really sour. she decided to do a party at a venue about an equal distance as where i was but in a different direction (i.e. travel was not the issue). this venue was insanely expensive, like hundreds of dollars a night. i literally just could not afford it. and i was very upfront with her about that, but essentially it meant she was throwing her own bachelorette.
she said i could come along and watch but not stay over, and i was like…what? if the roles were reversed i certainly wouldn’t put her in a comprising financial situation. But if i somehow decided i had to have something she couldn’t afford, i would would have wanted her to participate enough to pay for her. im NOT expecting money from her, im just saying i would have bent over backwards to make sure she could come and enjoy herself.
so i didn’t go. and my feelings were really hurt, i sincerely felt so left out and like she hadn’t wanted me around at all. it almost seemed like she had made everything from getting the dress, to the shower, the bachleorette party totally inaccessible to me. this is when i stopped paying for anything else. instead of a personalized gift i got a generous gift card with my family and BF. i decided not get my hair and makeup done there (would have been another $200). i did my own nails and make-up, had my hair done by own hair dresser. she started confirming RSVPs for all the wedding weekend events and would only refer to my BF of a year as my “plus 1.” girl, you have Facebook. you know his name. he was your neighbor for fucks sake!
about a week before the wedding she asked me if was going to stay at the hotel. i already explained my new apartment was 20 minutes from venue/hotel. but i looked it up for shits and giggles. $200 a night, that was the “group” rate. i was like, has she listened to anything I’ve said in the last couple months regarding the money issues? i had a family vacation planned for the week before her wedding which i was going to be leaving early for the wedding. i get a text from her the day before rehearsal that says “how’s your speech coming?” my blood just about boils then. she never, not once asked me to write a speech. i honestly didn’t even answer her at that point. two days notice, while im on vacation with my family. come on.
not staying over after the rehearsal dinner seemed to really piss her off but honestly i lived a few minutes away and wasn’t going blow $400 so that i could get drunk two nights in a row. when i showed up the next day to help her get ready she was pretty stony towards me. the SIL totally took over the MOH roles to the point where the bride’s grandmother, who i have known since childhood, questioned why i wasn’t in any of the professional photos of her getting ready and the SIL was. i wanted to be like “yeah, no kidding” but at the point i was super checked out. I spent the night dancing with my BF, we went home around 11:30 (venue was open til midnight). it was a nice night and a moving ceremony, but the vibe was uncomfortable the whole time. i saw her once at the reception, when i said goodbye.
it’s been a month. i haven’t heard from her at all. haven’t been tagged in any pictures, haven’t gotten a text. haven’t gotten a thank you card. i really just wanted to vent and if i didn’t anything super shitty, tell me, but i felt like i was doing my best the whole year and somehow it was just not coming together.