Wedding Woes

I'd bring takeout. Every time.

Dear Prudence,

My mother does not believe in food issues, except deadly allergies. My sister and I are both made sub-lethally ill by fish. My mother has, on several occasions, lied about what was in something only to have my sister rush away from the table upon attempting to eat it. My mother insists that my sister is making it up. Should I keep trying to explain to my mother or encourage my sister to adopt my don’t-take-food-from-Mom strategy, which my mother insists is rude?

—Food Issues

Re: I'd bring takeout. Every time.

  • Bring your own food. For you safety and that of your sister. IMO life-threatening allergy trumps mothers feelings (and etiquette). 
    MesmrEwecowgirl8238SP29
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    I'm confused. Are they or are they not allergic to fish? What does sub-lethally ill mean? If they get that sick from fish, is that not an allergy? If mom believes in allergies and you get "sub-lethally ill" from fish, tell her you're allergic to fish!
    VarunaTTernursej
  • How can the sister be making it up if she doesn't know she's eating fish?  This mom seems so determined to be right that she doesn't care if she hurts her daughters in the process.  Ugh.
    DrillSergeantCatSP29
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    My mom and her one sister both have a similar sort of allergy to seafood.  If they eat too much their throat can close up and restrict their airways.  My mom's isn't so bad, but she does watch the amount of seafood she will eat.  I'm not sure how bad her sister's allergy is.  Sometimes my mom's throat will get tingly.  It seems like this is similar to what might be happening with LW and the sister, although theirs seems worse. 

    So while the allergy may not be "deadly" it can certainly cause very adverse effects and potential hospitalization.  So this allergy is basically one step below deadly and mom is an asshole for serving seafood and not telling them. 

    I could encourage sister to not eat mom's food anymore.  If mom wants to have people over for dinner, LW and sister should start saying that is fine, but don't make too much food as they are bringing their own.  Anyone else can eat mom's food, but LW and sister will provide their own.  Then they can either get take out or bring a casserole that they can both eat. 

    I can't even imagine what mom is cooking that she "hides" seafood in?  It's not like its a spice or seasoning that can be snuck in, it's a full on protein!  Does mom secretly blend it up and mix it in?  If so, then mom has other issues to deal with - like attempting to kill her children!

    short+sassyeileenrob
  • VarunaTT said:

    Hell, when I make dinner for people, I even ask what they don't like to eat, b/c I don't want to make food for someone to eat that they don't like.  I certainly wouldn't make food with that would set off an allergy or sensitivity for my guests or family.
    THIS!  DH's cousin's wife is like 95% vegan (for dietary/health and personal reasons).  When they came to stay last month, I made sure to have stuff on hand she would/could eat even though she was all, "Oh don't worry about me!" 

    Mom is a fucking asshole, full stop. 
    charlotte989875sparklepants41
  • LW's mother needs to see a professional about what she's doing.

    Also, there's times you can suddenly develop an allergy. My mum's stepdad loved strawberries and one night had ice cream. Within ~4 hours, my parents got a phone call that he had gone into allergic shock! He was then taken to dr's - it was a mild case and didn't need hospital - and he's suddenly allergic to strawberries.
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  • LW's mother needs to see a professional about what she's doing.

    Also, there's times you can suddenly develop an allergy. My mum's stepdad loved strawberries and one night had ice cream. Within ~4 hours, my parents got a phone call that he had gone into allergic shock! He was then taken to dr's - it was a mild case and didn't need hospital - and he's suddenly allergic to strawberries.
    This happened to me as a kid. I was drinking orange kool-aid one day and broke out in hives. I had eaten dyed foods for years, but one day I developed an allergic reaction to yellow food dye. 

    I grew out of it years later, but for about 10 years I couldn't eat anything with yello dye #5. Turns out that wasn't uncommon and most food that used that particular dye switched to a different formula. 
  • LW's mother needs to see a professional about what she's doing.

    Also, there's times you can suddenly develop an allergy. My mum's stepdad loved strawberries and one night had ice cream. Within ~4 hours, my parents got a phone call that he had gone into allergic shock! He was then taken to dr's - it was a mild case and didn't need hospital - and he's suddenly allergic to strawberries.
    This happened to me as a kid. I was drinking orange kool-aid one day and broke out in hives. I had eaten dyed foods for years, but one day I developed an allergic reaction to yellow food dye. 

    I grew out of it years later, but for about 10 years I couldn't eat anything with yello dye #5. Turns out that wasn't uncommon and most food that used that particular dye switched to a different formula. 
    I'm wondering if LW's mother doesn't realize this also. Regardless, sounds like she doesn't take people's health into consideration
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    I'm wondering if LW's mother doesn't realize this also. Regardless, sounds like she doesn't take people's health into consideration
    I think she does, but since LW's sister is not allergic she thinks she's blowing it out of proportion. Like people who say they have a gluten sensitivity. Some people truly do, most people who say they're gluten free, don't. If they are getting this violently ill, it's not simply an aversion. Mom is a dickhole, but she's probably assuming they're just being dramatic. My son decided he didn't like beans so he forced himself to throw up. He's not allergic, he just doesn't like them. I wonder if it could be that kind of thing with LW mom.
  • LW needs to start using her adult words "sub lethally sick" tells us NOTHING.  Was it a food borne pathogen/illness, an intolerance, mild allergy, etc.  Big difference in all the above and the best response/reaction.  Words - they're important!

    Yes, I'd adopt "dinner at Moms is pot luck from now on - you bringing the entre' from X restaurant this time or am I?"  I have several allergies and intolerances - I can tell you the intolerances are FAR more miserable than the allergies.  Allergies I've got just make me itch and swell like a balloon along with needing the inhaler and Benadryl until they've worked out of the system entirely, intolerances have me doubled over in severe gut punching and twisting pain wishing I was dead...

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  • Allergies can change and responses can get worse overtime. I'm wondering if this could actually be criminal.

    As someone with an anaphylactic allergy that started out as an allergy with GI distress, this is appalling. I'm so glad that those around me are so careful (even though I don't expect people to deal with my allergy.

    HeffalumpMissKittyDanger
  • ernursej said:

    Allergies can change and responses can get worse overtime. I'm wondering if this could actually be criminal.

    As someone with an anaphylactic allergy that started out as an allergy with GI distress, this is appalling. I'm so glad that those around me are so careful (even though I don't expect people to deal with my allergy.

    DH and I were just talking about this with fire ant stings, of all things.  We're both noticing that we seem to be having more severe reactions to them.  (Still only localized, thank goodness.)  Either we have some extra-nasty fuckers living in our neighborhood, or we're getting more sensitive the more we're stung.
    MissKittyDanger
  • I assume LW means her mom only thinks of an allergy as anaphylactic shock, where as there are many variations in allergies. I have friends with various food allergies where they end up with severe GI issues- no, they aren't going to die, but it's not something anyone wants to deal with.

    Agreed, LW and her sister need to stop eating mom's food if she won't be respectful, and starting bringing take out.

    I have a friend who has some food intolerances, so she prefers to follow a certain diet that she feels makes her feel better. She's an adult, she can eat what she wants (or doesn't want). And who am I to question that? I always make sure there is something she can eat (generally everything in the main and side), and I don't force her or make her feel bad for not eating something else that's available.
    OurWildKingdomMesmrEwe
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